M a y 2 1, 2 0 0 5

someday, someone will love me enough to ask me to marry them with this, even if they dont exactly love it. and they will know exactly what store it needs to come from:

so lately ive been thinking alot about my old friends from high school. im not on the same terms with any of them as i 2 and a half years ago. im not sure if i miss that though? i dont know.

i hate it that you can make me cry. you always had that power though, so easily. and i hate it that i care what you think. i hate it that i can have the arguement all planned out in my head, just right, so that ill make all the right points and finally win for once, and then you make me forget everything instantly and i just stand by and let you be right, again. i hate it that she is so perfect for you and that she is everything that youve wanted. you can love her without hesitation. and you can say all you want that i chose other people, but it never worked out with those people and i think it never worked out for a reason. and you can say all you want that youll always love me more than her, but i dont think that matters when youll always hate me more than her as well. oh how i wish that werent true. i am saying all of this but yet there is nothing really holding me back from wanting to persue this. you are the one who is holding back, but i can most definitely see why. you have yer life just how you want it, with who you want in it. and i come along and turn everything upside down and expect you to be okay with it. i shouldnt expect any sympathy.

the part that makes this hard, is that for some reason i always believe what you tell me. as much as i dont want to, i always end up doing it. sometimes i wonder if i shouldnt believe it, but i cant really believe that youd go to all this trouble just for it to be some elaborate joke that you play on me, to make me feel stupid. or maybe it is. im sure you had at one point (or still have) enough hate in your heart for me that you would go to all the trouble to actually do that. i dont know. i wish there was some way i could have you prove it to me. wait prove what? i dont even know what i want from you anymore. i dont know what you want from me. or what i want from me. but is it alright for me to want you? i dont know. i want to be what you want. but i feel like that no matter what i am it wont be what you want. maybe by definition what you want is whatever is most different from me.

youre right, you cant ever be attracted to me again. have you seen me? i disgust you. you said so. but thats okay, because i disgust myself too. i can never be like her, in looks or in action or in personality or in ethnicity or in social status. but what is her heart like? has she given it to you in the way i did? you said yourself that she probably would put up with the way you treated me if you treated her the same? is that true? you began that treatment to me even before i loved you, and i stuck around anyway. would she do the same? i am a bit offended that you think her love is as strong as mine. no offense to her or anything, but i just cant believe that. it would destroy me to believe that so i guess ill just ignore that you ever even said it.

Melysa could barely look at you at 6:25 PM.

M a y 2 0, 2 0 0 5

new layout. snow patrol.

so, ive been gone for a while. i moved to los gatos, in an apartment with some friends, but it didnt work out due to the immaturity of some certain people. so for now i am back at my parents house until i can figure something else out. this shouldnt be a permanent arrangement though. i hope it isnt at least, because it just felt to much better living away from home. i mean, i missed my family and all, but i just felt that mentally it was healthier for me, and i felt happier. i think thats important too. i need to remember to care about melysa. for a while there i think i had forgot to do that, but im back now.

also, i got a tattoo. i tried to keep it a secret for a while, but apparently my dad is on myspace now, so everyone knows. i guess its better though, to not have to worry about hiding anything.

so its been weird to talk to you again. not in a bad way, just different. i sure have missed you. im glad that we talk to much now. but at the same time, it sort of hurts, you know? i dont know, maybe im just crazy. maybe i want to see something that isnt there. to believe that you might give certain things in your life up for me, to believe that you really want to be there for me, to take care of me. i need that, so badly. to be taken care of. someone hasnt taken care of me for a very very long time. its always been me taking care of everyone else and trying to remember to take care of myself in the process. yes, its been a long time. yes, we both have changed. but i feel like that is still okay. i dont think either of us has changed in a negative way. in fact i think our changes may help anything that could happen. i dont know. maybe you secretly hate me. maybe this is just a big joke on melysa. so everyone can laugh. but really, i want someone more capable than me, more mature than me, more stable than me. is that you? it sounds bitchy, but for the past couple years my whole life has revolved around the other needs because it seemed i was the stronger or smarter one in the relationship. i dont want to be that. it sounds crazy. but i want to be weaker than you. dumber than you. but really i just want to be with you.

Melysa could barely look at you at 7:55 PM.

April 12, 2005

so i havent been on this junk for a while...no im not dead if anyone was wondering...which i doubt. but yeah that was dumb and random...so for spring break we went to mexico (again) to build 3 more houses...this year we had to stay in a hotel the last night because 60mph winds had ripped our tents to shreds. the hotel was still in tecate though (it was too late to cross the border) so it was kinda scary staying there. i was so glad when we finally got home though. so lately i have just been going to school and not really much else, because i am a loser.

lately i have been really spoiled with seeing joanna, but now who knows when i will see her again. this makes me sad...

i have the flu :(

Melysa hoped for rain at 3:31 PM.

March 22, 2005

okay everyone, i have huge news...melysa. finally. got. on. myspace. yessss people its really true, i have given in...its alright though. actually what made me give in was when i was down in la at joanna's some of her dormmates wanted to add me to their friends and stuff, and so i thought that would be cool and it is easier to stay in touch that way. go to the contact page for the link. so um yeah...i am really sick with a bad cold and i feel disgusting. thats all i have to say.

Melysa hoped for rain at 6:30 PM.

March 20, 2005

sooo....this weekend i went down to see joanna at biola university...sooo fun. oh i mean hecka fun. i got there friday afternoon (after driving all day and spending 2 hours in LA traffic) and we went out to dinner at applebee's (yum) and then we met up with her brother and some of his friends at Downtown Disney. There we went to ESPN zone and watched all the basketball games and they played arcade games. theeeeen on saturday we went to brunch on campus (yay waffle bar) and then joanna and i went to hollywood, yeah thats right hollywood and we went to grauman's chinese theater and put our hands in the hand prints and looked at the star walk and went to the kodak theater and shopped and took pictures in front of the hollywood sign....then we went back down to newport beach and walked on the pier at night and it was really pretty. we ate at the old spaghetti factory and we went to alberstons and there were some scaaary guys there. but anyway it was really fun and click to the right ---> for pictures. joanna if you read this i love you and you are so hot.

Melysa hoped for rain at 5:57 PM.

March 15, 2005

that is an actual valentines day card. i love it. it pretty much describes how i have been feeling lately. i am trying to come up with reason to hate you. trying to do things that get you off of my mind. but it just wont work. get out of my head! why are you so special? youre not. you are just like any other guy. you could easily be replaced by anyone else. or at least thats what i keep telling myself.

my sister got a computer in her room today, so basically everyone in my family has their own computer now. i love my sister, she is so cute. when we were kids, we shared a room, the same room i have now. but i am chronically messy and she is insanely neat, so she got her own room. but then she rolled her bed into my room (she has 2) a while ago and she has been sleeping in here every night ever since...its like a nonstop sleepover! haha aww i love my little sissa... except now all her guy friends have lesian fantasies about us or something...thats just gross.

yay 3 more days till joanna's!

Melysa hoped for rain at 9:23 PM.

March 14, 2005

so today was interesting because i drove all the way to novato and back, pretty much non-stop. i had to deliver a proposal for work. my back was really starting to hurt, which is a really bad sign because it was only a couple of hours of driving and when i go down to see joanna this weekend it is gonna be way longer than that. so yay i have gotten lots of compliments on my new layout so i feel excited and proud. and jessica signed my guestbook go me! so i am weird, i keep "discovering" bands way later than everyone else, like the killers and snow patrol... but i dont seem to ever like whatever hit they have out... like i dont like snow patrol's "run" very much but i really like "spitting games"... i dunno i am weird and my music taste is really varied. why am i writing about this?

Melysa hoped for rain at 8:57 PM.

March 13, 2005

so it seems that i am really good at changing layouts but not so good at updating, haha... i really like this one...it features brand new... so i did the whole airport theme because it looked to me like they were sitting in an airport... but now that i am studying it, maybe they aren�t in an airport... but who cares we will just pretend it is an airport for my sake... also, i finally got the photos link up and i added a site and contact section... so i am dumb and i got the weekends confused...i thought i was going to joanna's this weekend but i guess really i am going next weekend... so yay that will still be fun.

lately i have been feeling so...hmm how to say it, uncomfortable with myself? self-conscious? i dunno i feel awkward and exposed, like im turned inside out and everyone can see my faults and insecurities... i dunno maybe i am just stupid. i shouldn�t let what people say get to me like it does. i used to be so much stronger. more independent. more opinionated. fearless. and then i let people get inside of me. you think you are handing over your heart to someone because they are going to take care of it and love it. and then when they smash it into pieces you realize that it was more than just your heart that you gave to them... it was everything that you are, and now you are left not just broken hearted but broken as a person. i thought over time i could get back to normal, become the person that i used to be. but its been a couple years now and i am just so tired of being angry. i hate it that a person can get inside of you like that. i just want to scream "get out!!!" and have it all be over with. but it wont work. for days after, i scrubbed my skin raw in the shower, trying to get him off of me but it was like he was always there. even now as i think of it i get sick to my stomach. people say that once you forgive you can let it go... and i have tried to forgive so many times; wholeheartedly given total forgiveness... and yes i felt liberated for a while... but then i am just randomly reminded of something and it all comes back to me and suddenly i am angry again. i want you to know that even though i sometimes talk to you and sound friendly, i hate you and i hope you never experience happiness. ever.

but do i really mean that? i dont think its really right to say that. i am not a bad person. i have to keep telling myself that until i believe it. and wishing eternal unhappiness on someone is not a nice thing to do. but i guess i also know that people like that, who are so mean and have so much hate in their hearts, will probably have a really hard time finding happiness anyway, with or without my wishing for it.

i just want you to know, because i know you read this, that someday i am going to get over it. someday someone is going to be great enough and nice enough and caring enough to make me realize that i am a good person. but there will probably never be anyone who is a good enough liar to convince you that you are a good person.

Melysa hoped for rain at 8:44 PM.

March 5, 2005

what is it about you that makes it so hard for me to talk to you? i don't understand it...i've never been like this before. i've been going crazy inside my head for days, and i just want it all to go away. its almost to where i'd rather feel nothing at all... not good or bad. you know what i mean? its like too many emotions running all over the place... anyway, i am for sure going down to see JoAnna on the 11th. im really excited. i know fer sure it will be lots of fun. today i went shopping with my sis...but i didnt really buy anything... just some earrings for me and some bling bling for dexter. this was the most boring post ever. goodbye.

Melysa was perfect as she could be at 9:57 PM.

February 26, 2005

So today my sis and I went to Santa Cruz...my parents met up with us there and we went to the boardwalk...we rode some rides with my mom which was really funny, and then we left my parents and went shopping downtown at the little thrift shops. Didn't find anything good this time though, except for a CD and LP at Streetlight. There are so many homeless punk kids in downtown Santa Cruz...its like they all ran away from home to live there. They seem pretty happy to live like that though. I remember when Gregg and I used to go there, it seemed like he knew almost all of them. So I didn't spend much in SC but then after we got back to San Jose we went to Valley Fair and I ended up spending enough money there to make up for not spending any in Santa Cruz, haha. So turns out I probably am going down to LA in about two weeks to see JoAnna, yay. She was so happy when I called to tell her, hehe. I think I'll go watch Garden State now, or maybe Napoleon Dynamite, or Breakfast at Tiffany's....again.

Melysa was perfect as she could be at 8:01 PM.

February 25, 2005

Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a kid again...I remember when I was younger, the most stressful things I ever went through were trying to be good for Santa or having to go to the dentist. I didn't have to worry about grades, the balance in my checking account, car insurance payments, or a job. It seems like as soon as I stop stressing about one thing, there's something else to be stressed about.

And remember how when you were a kid, the littlest thing made you happy? Like going to Chuck E. Cheese or getting a new Batman action figure or something. Now it seems like I can't really be happy, even if I really want to. I'm not exactly depressed or anything, but I don't know, I don't enjoy life in the same way that used to I guess. I used to always go out with friends, go to Identity N/A's or Bitchin' Ayatollahs or Asphyxiated's band practices, go out to shows every night of the summer, raise hell with the guys downtown or watch stupid movies in Nathan's garage. Now most of my friends have either moved away, gone to college out of town, or just turned into jerks.

I need to see JoAnna. Part of me actually wants to be mad at her for going away to LA (haha) but I know that isn't fair. My mom says she's cool with me driving down there to visit her sometime soon, which sounds really fun to me. I think she said she is allowed to have overnight visiters in her dorm, so all I'd be paying for is gas and food. We'll see how it goes though. Knowing my dad, he'll want to find some reason for me not to go. Anyway, I guess I should stop complaining about everything and go to my English homework. Gotta keep up my reputation for having perfect paragraphs.

Melysa was perfect as she could be at 10:21 PM.