In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate, but in no way equally important groups: Those of us who have a sense of humor, and those who don't. This is for the former...
Clang-Clang!
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SUPERIOR COURT
PART THX1138
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 16
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Judge Wright: Oh no, McCoy...not another product liability/charge the manufacturer with murder case..
McCoy: Your Honor, these people recklessly and knowingly created a faulty tire using shoddy materials and...
Judge: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get the idea, but in order for you to get the murder 2 conviction, you must prove beyond a mini-scintilla of a doubt that the defendant intentionally made the tire so it would lose its tread at high speeds, thereby causing SVU's...
McCoy: That's SUV's, Your Honor...
Judge: Yeah, SUV's--Ford Explorers in particular, to lose control, roll over and, thus, get some of those ridiculous, unnecessarily huge monstrosities off the road...
McCoy (sotto voce to Abbie): Why not throw in the Kennedy Assassination while he's at it?
Judge: I heard that McCoy--In addition, you must prove that Oswald acted alone and the existence of Big Foot.
Clang-Clang!
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OFFICE OF DISTRICT ATTORNEY
RENATA LOWERY
THURSDAY, AUGUST 17
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Lowery: No wonder Adam's head exploded, Jack!
McCoy: But--
Lowery: But nothing. Why do you get yourself into these situations?
McCoy: I--
Lowery: Oh, forget it, that was rhetorical...From now on, leave the product liability and civil matters to The Practice--OKAY?
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After a short s�ance in which JFK, J. Edgar Hoover and Jack Ruby testified that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone, Jack calls Big Foot to the stand.
Abbie [whispering to Jack]: Don't you think Judge Wright'll notice that's just a guy in that stupid Giant-Monster costume from the Muppet Show?
Jack: You don't know what you're talking about--you weren't even born when the Muppet Show was on! His name was Sweetums, by the way...
Abbie: Hey, I was 4 when it first came on, but now that I think about it, you do remind me a lot of Sam the Eagle...
Jack: I don't look a thing like Sam the Eagle!
Abbie: Yes, you do--look at the monitor!
Judge: As much as I hate to break up this installment of the Bickersons--what are we gonna do with Big Foot, here?
McCoy: Your Honor, you just called him "Big Foot," Lhasa Apso, confirming his existence...
Judge: Isn't that "ipso facto," Mr. McCoy?
McCoy: Whatever...We proved our case--
Judge: You still have one condition to meet: prove that the CEO of Bridgestone/Firestone intentionally made the tire so it would lose its tread at high speeds, thereby causing SVU's...
Abbie, Jack and Sweetums [in unison]: That's SUV's...
Judge: Whatever...
Abbie: The prosecution calls Mr. Barrow and Ms. Parker, CEO and CFO of Bridgestone/Firestone, respectively, to the stand.
Bailiff: Raise your right hand, yadda, yadda, yadda...State your names and occupations for the record.
Ms. Parker: I'm Bonnie Parker and this here's Clyde Barrow. We -- rob -- banks.
Judge: Wait a minute--Bonnie and Clyde? What the heck is this? A blatant attempt to influence my decision by flaunting the fact that Law & Order's new East Coast EP is the critically acclaimed director Arthur Penn?
Abbie: Yes, Your Honor.
Judge: Well, it's working. Carry on. [looks carefully at "Clyde"]. Hey, I know you -- you're not Clyde Barrow, aside from the fact that you died over 60 years ago, you're too tall, skinny and bald-headed to be Clyde Barrow! You're Stanley Tucci--what're you doing here pretending to be Clyde Barrow? Aren't you in that show "Bull" written by L&O alum Michael S. Chernuchin?
Tucci (formerly Barrow): Yes, Your Honor, but I owed Billy a favor after he wrote all those great scripts that should've won me the Emmy in 1996. Wolf was lucky to sign him--Billy's one of the greats!
Judge: Billy? Who's Billy?
McCoy: Finkelstein, Your Honor...
Tucci [winks conspiratorially to McCoy]: You got a place on your mantel cleared off for the golden winged statue--you're getting her in September!
[Wolf howls at the full moon...credits roll]