Carmichael: "See if he has a history."
Briscoe: "OF what? Punching babies?"
Psychologist Emil Skoda: "You saw him. He can't connect the dots. He doesn't grasp that other people exist apart from his needs."
Lennie: "Sounds like half the people I know." THPOGLL
"Scented soap, lavender candles. . . Maybe Michaels went to the east side to take a bath."
"Good old Ray-Ray. Trick was giving him a number he couldn't forget--3. Rhymes with squeegee."
"We got some nice magnifying glasses at the station. Maybe you want to check them out?"
"Think any of these kids can go 30 seconds without lying?"
"I'm not helping you pin a body on a cop just for doing his job."
"He probably pees a circle around his desk in the morning."
"Not everybody's in it for truth, justice, and the American way."
"I haven't been eating my Wheaties lately. My memory's getting kind of hazy."
"If I'm not out in an hour, call for backup."
Mike: "The future Mrs. Briscoe?"
Lennie: "The future ex-Mrs. Briscoe."
"'Oh, Mike Logan's drowning. Get Briscoe, the life guard.'"
"You dive off a bridge, you hit the water alone."
"Poor Clarence. Too sick to shoot up his last score."
(Rey & Lennie take a man who makes "junk art" to the alley where he found his wares):
Junk man: "Who's gonna keep an eye on my sculptures?"
Lennie: "Oh, I wouldn't worry about that."THPOGLL
Junk man: "You can't believe what people throw away."
Lennie: "Or pick up."THPOGLL
"You want us to lie to your wife, fine, but don't play us for idiots."
"Come on, Robinson Crusoe."
High-priced call girl: "I'm a massage specialist."
Lennie: "What part of the body do you, ah, specialize in?"THPOGLL
(holds up knife): "This is a great gift idea."
"Even psychos have to eat."
(Lennie & Rey are discussing the ethics of a fertility clinic.):
Rey: "These place don't even need licenses, Lennie. Barber shops need licenses."
Lennie: "Oh yeah, get the government involved. That'll really make it better."THPOGLL
"I thought my sex life was complicated when I had to wear a condom."
Lawyer: "I've advised my client not to answer questions."
Lennie: "Fine, just don't stuff cotton in his ears."
"She practically punches a time clock establishing an alibi."
"So unless they're clones and we don't know it, that's Doris Nichols's own blood."
Barnett: "You mean you fellas didn't stop to see the Falls?"
Briscoe: "Nah, too painful. They remind me of my honeymoons."
"A little Nazi philosophy with their beer and pretzels?"
"Get up, Adolf."
Rey: "Too much to drink, took a wrong turn."
Lennie: "Not unless he was drinking through the bullet hole in his skull."
"He confessed so fast, I thought I'd have him do the paperwork."
M.E.: "There's a fractured fibula. Maybe a skiing accident."
Lennie: "What about the shooting accident?"
"Grady's got selective Alzheimer's. He forgets what he remembers to forget."
"I got one word for ya, Rey: plastics."
Rey (watching a tape of a 60's protest demonstration): "Nothing but a helmet and a nightstick."
Lennie: "And you had to supply your own cup."
"Cooperation, Al -- it's the grease that makes the world go round."
"You're our lucky caller of the day."
"I'm beginning to lose my faith in man's inherent dishonesty."
"If Canada ever invades New York, this guy's ready for a fight."
"My personal favorite: The guy who died three years before you sold him two .38's and a Magnum. He's the best armed corpse in Green Point Cemetery."
"I realize you've been busy since then blowing babysitters away, so it probably slipped your mind."
(looking around a bail bonds office) "Busy. You know I once
had an idea about putting my money into a place like this."
Munch: "Can you get that?"
Lennie: "What, under there? Forget it."
"We start with the lesbian bars. John, I'm sure you have a list."
Rey (to Munch): "John, John. . . perseverance - that's what makes a great detective."
Lennie: "What makes a great detective is a great snitch."
"We're just here about a nice, simple murder. No high crimes and misdemeanors."
"Better luck on the next revolution, John."
"If it doesn't make sense, it belongs in Baltimore."
"Oh, why ask a sweet, innocent rube like me?"
"What can I tell you? I got Ned Burkes up here and I specifically asked the shift commander to put him on suicide watch. Yeah....unfortunately at Riker's Island that seems to mean they stand around and watch you commit suicide"
Rey: "The guy was some kind of lawyer."
Lennie: "Doesn't mean he deserved to get beat, Rey."
"A straightforward divorce matter? That's a new one on me."
"The only think I hate worse than going to a doctor is going to a doctor who lies to me."
Briscoe: "What did she want?"
Desk Sergeant: "Ah, the usual female crap."
Briscoe: "Oh, what's that? I forget."
Curtis: "Maybe she fell."
Briscoe: "And maybe I'm Santa Claus."
(Investigating a man whose past doesn't go beyond 1985):
Van Buren: "If he's not Fallon, who the hell is he?"
Lennie: "Well, the FBI says he's not in the Witness Protection Program. But they might've had their fingers crossed."THPOGLL
"We'll give you a free cup of coffee--worst on the west side."
Anita: "She came in about an hour ago, wanting to get some things off her chest."
Lennie: "The matching ensemble?"
(When told of the real reason behind a fund-raising event for an under-privileged kids organization): "Oh yeah, the new Spector Stadium. The one that's gonna displace ten thousand under-privileged kids."THPOGLL
Ludlow: "Is "detective" your first name?"
Rey (pauses & grins): "Rey."
Lennie: "Yeah. You can call me Lennie--as long as we're getting to know each other. THPOGLL
"Let's root, root, root for the home team."
Man: "We're not a strip club, we're a "Rudy" club."
Lennie: "What's that, a poetry reading?"
Man: "She an actress?"
Lennie: "She moonlights at a Hooters bar when she's not playing Lady Macbeth."
Attorney: "You people are all over the map. He loved her, he hated her."
Lennie: "Maybe he just got so confused he wanted her dead."
Malone: "You have a pain in the back, Detective, we can help you."
Lennie: "Yeah, well, the pain I'm getting isn't in my back."
Airline worker: "What are we supposed to tell the passengers?"
Lennie: "Hey, you're the guys with a million excuses."
"We're your friendly movers from the NYPD."
"In other words, everything except the family snapshot and the rubber in your wallet."
Suspect: "What's the charge?"
Lennie: "Oh, there's no charge. This one's on us."
"Take it from me, sometimes a mistress is just a mistress."
Woman: "How much does New York detective make?"
Lennie: "In a year? Probably enough to keep you girls happy for a week."
Woman: "She wants fun, she wants husband."
Lennie: "That's two different things."