Causa Mortis

Officer: "We got six unmatched shoes, a dozen panties, condoms by the bucketful. . ."
Briscoe: "Sounds like the back of my first car."THPOGLL

Cervantes: "Everybody carries it."
Briscoe: "Well, here in Belmont, 'everybody' is you and two other places."

McCoy: "A few weeks before it happened, she wanted to quit. I talked her out of it."
Briscoe: "Yeah, well, I could've kept walking past that bar."

I.D.

"We're going to have to take numbers."

"Nowadays, elevators are very smart."

Possible suspect (explaining the attractive women in & out of his office): "I'm an accountant."
Lennie: "Oh right. That's why so many beautiful women come to visit you. My accountant, Manny Loper, has to beat 'em off with a stick." THPOGLL

"She looks like someone you might've talked to on the phone?"

"Don't they have food in New Jersey?"

"And on his lease, he gave a home address that put him in the middle of the East River. You didn't think that was strange?"

"I always get butterflies just before I shoot somebody."

"Let me guess--Mom always liked her best."

Judge Marks: "Where were you, Detective Briscoe?"
Briscoe: "Me? Uh, I was here."
Marks: "Maybe here?"
Briscoe: "No, definitely here."

Good Girl

Curtis: "Lennie, look at this. Mycenaean Amphorae."
Briscoe: "Yeah, I'm expecting my copy from the Book of the Month club."THPOGLL

Curtis: "Remember what I said about my wife and me in the stacks at the library?"
Briscoe: "You trying to spoil my appetite?"

"With friends like her to cover for me, I'd still be playing around on my first wife."

Curtis: "We've got Gina's book in Charley's apartment on a subject Danielle was studying."
Briscoe: "I saw this problem on an aptitude test."

(Looking around a dead guy's apartment)
Lennie: "There's two empty wine glasses in the sink."
Rey: "There's two empty condom wrappers over there_ a near perfect Sunday afternoon."
Lennie: "Yeah, I'd almost trade places with him."

Survivor

Lennie: "You're the Contessa of Alto Peruggio?"
Contessa (with a thick Southern drawl): "Thah-at's rah-ight. "Alto" means "upper.""
Lennie: "I take it you're from the Southern part of the upper." THPOGLL

Man: "Some people just like to hold them."
Briscoe: "Oh, yeah, and think about how Socrates used them to buy a kielbasa."

"If it meant having to give up my 747, I think I'd be a little upset."

"Mr. Petersen, even though you are a taxpayer, technically, we don't actually work for you personally."

Corruption

Two-Tone: "Do I know you?"
Briscoe: "Oh, yeah, we got the same hairdresser."

"If you don't take her out of there right now, I'll kick your ass from here to Hoboken."

Double Blind

"I'll call the CIA and ask if they've counted their bullets lately."

Van Buren: "All these people ordered the book?"
Briscoe: "If you see one of my exes in there, let me know."

"Little Orchid? Who's she, a friend of Pocahontas?"

Deadbeat

woman: "He's cute."
Briscoe: "You've been at this too long, honey. He's dead."THPOGLL

"If you don't need me around here, I'll go home and take a nap."

"Excuse me, young parents. My kids' idea of high technology was Barbie's convertible."THPOGLL

Rey: "If I found Weber, I might have shot him and scraped the bone marrow out myself."
Lennie: "I don't think that's how the operation's performed."

"Ah, garlic, Rey. The secret of fine cuisine."

"I think I win the chocolate bunny."

Family Business

"I sure as hell don't buy those 'now-you-see-her-now-you-don't' visits to the old man."

Entrapment

"In your line of work, subtlety isn't required."

"'I couldn't commit the crime because I was busy committing another crime.' That plays."THPOGLL

Curtis: "Another palace coop?"
Briscoe: "Unless it was Elvis in the car."

"Getting arrested together can be a bonding experience."

Legacy

"Zero minus one leaves us, I believe, with less than zero. Is that possible?"

Mueller: "You're not afraid of policemen?"
Briscoe: "They're underpaid and, as a group, they're stupid."THPOGLL

Menace

"Hey! I know a guy in the 8-3 lost an eye doing that."THPOGLL

Briscoe: "What's with Rey?"
Van Buren: "He's your partner."
Briscoe: "Maybe you should remind him, cause he doesn't say squat to me."

Barter

Rey: "You know what this looks like?"
Lennie: "Yeah, looks like somebody gets a parking spot."

"I hate to burst your red, white, and blue bubble."

"I don't see Hello, Dolly up there."

"One man's do-gooder is another man's busybody."

"In this light, I'm lucky I recognize you."

"Sounds like he gets his cars from Rent-a-Wreck."

Car salesman: "How does it feel?"
Briscoe: "Like I can't afford it."
Salesman: "What would it take to get you into this car, Detective?"
Briscoe: "Next week's lotto numbers."THPOGLL

"Times like these, I'd rather be wrong."

(to McCoy, after Flores has a heart attack in the interrogation room): "After you."

Lennie: "Would you look at those girls, Rey? Thirty degrees, freezing rain, but they haven't taken a break since we got here."
Rey: "The politicians who complain about the vanishing work ethic should meet these women."
Lennie: "Bet they have!"

Matrimony

"If I had a 22-year-old wife running around town, I'd be doing aerial surveillance."

(to Curtis): "If you were a married lawyer hanging out with strippers, would you use your real name? Well, maybe you would."THPOGLL

"You think a Chippendale piece is a male stripper, huh?"

"Can we stop fooling around?"

"I just hope nobody throws the vase with the microphone in it."

Working Mom

Lennie: "Barnum Woods. They make a nice golf club. Titanium."
CSU guy: "I don't play."
Lennie: "Yeah, well, if you did, you couldn't afford those." THPOGLL

"Would you happen to have any copies of Elvis's money orders?"

Ricardo: "Some people think it's, you know, not right."
Briscoe: "What, knowing what you're going to get up front? I call that practical."

"Suburban mommy hookers. I wonder what the tabloids would pay for the exclusive on this."

"We got two radio cars waiting outside. You want to go tell them we felt sorry for the perps?"

(Rey & Lennie are both working on the same phone line):
Lennie: "Hey, only one of us needs to push a button, alright?
Rey: "Okay, fine, you do it. You don't have to wait to hear all the options."
Lennie: "I caught the case, okay? So I'll push the button when I want to."

D-Girl (LA Trilogy Part One)

"We're the police. We know everything."THPOGLL

man: "I was just looking for recyclables."
Briscoe: "I don't think this [Ellison's head] qualifies."

"He ran off to LA. That makes me reasonably suspicious."

"All I know is you're young, unattached, devilishly handsome, and we're going to LA. If that isn't destiny, what is?"

"How about NYPD with an 'N'?"

"The whole thing'll take two minutes and then you can get back to 'Sit-ups of the Rich and Famous'."

"Got the wrong shoes."

"Eh, I still got the wrong shoes."

"I feel like Nixon at San Clemente."

TV News: "New York City detectives have questioned unnamed suspects and appear to be close to an arrest."
Briscoe: "We are? Oh, good!"THPOGLL

"Rey's just...powdering his nose."

"She's a woman, Rey, and she's a Hollywood player. She started strategizing the minute she saw you."

Curtis: "See what you got me into?"
Briscoe: "Yeah, I got you a date with a beautiful woman, I'm a real sonofabitch."

Briscoe: "WHAT?! She wanted to shack up, and you turned her down?!"
Curtis: "I told her I was married."
Briscoe: "WHY?!"

"I don't know what it is, but you guys get a better class of garbage out here."

"I was wrong. The orange juice was only six and a quarter. The bagel was $12."

"I was hoping this time Grant might escape to the Bahamas."

Turnaround (LA Trilogy Part Two)

Rey: "Fifty miles on the LIE on a weeknight? That's pushing it."
Lennie: "Yeah, if you drive like an old lady."

"They don't take steroids to build brains."

"You could jump start the 60's with what's in here."

"I know rehab's like a religion out here, but he can't just check into a treatment center and yell 'sanctuary'."

"No, he's Curtis, I just hold his hat."

"We're not going to get into a slow speed chase with the guy."

"Maybe this judge thinks smoking gun is a famous Indian chief."

Briscoe: "Girl flies in all the way from California_"
Curtis: "What, jumpin' into the sack with her's not gonna save my marriage, Lennie."
Briscoe: "Well, neither is your on and off separation -"
Curtis: "The expert speaks."
Briscoe: "Hey I know what _doesn't_ work. Believe me, if your wife wanted a doormat, she'd go to Sears. Hey put a clock on it, Rey, so the two of you can get on with your lives."

Briscoe: "So when are you gonna give Giuliani your two weeks notice?"
Curtis: "I ain't going anywhere."
Briscoe: "Yeah, right. Why give up all this for a six-figure income and free travel to exotic countries?"

Showtime (LA Trilogy Part Three)

Mad Dog

"He'll be relieved to hear he didn't do it."THPOGLL

Woman: "How 'bout my windows? What do you recommend?"
Briscoe: "Moving."

"We don't get out of bed for parole violations."

"If rape was my business, I'd shave before going to work too."

"What you learned is a fancy way to blow smoke up our ass, Lewis."

Darnell: "This is one hell of a system."
Briscoe: "Well, it wasn't designed for your enjoyment."

"We're conducting a lawful investigation. You live with a rapist and murderer, you have to put up with a few minor inconveniences."

(reading report): "9:00 A.M. Subject exited premises to purchase a newspaper. 2:26 p.m. Subject exited premises for cigarettes. 2:29 p.m. Subject looked in the direction of surveillance car and made an obscene gesture."

Double Down

Rey: "Some kind of lawyer here, Lennie."
Lennie: "Why don't you take him outside? Show him how much we like lawyers tonight."THPOGLL

Lennie: "Maybe he really did go to get baseball equipment."
Rey: "What, on the run, bleeding?"
Lennie: "Hey, some people really love the game."

"Congratulations, McCoy. You just bought the Brooklyn Bridge from a double murderer."

"Aw, what happened? Somebody put iron in your Cheerios this morning?"

"I was too slow for a shortstop, but I always wanted to be a shortstop."

"Bad career move, pal -- going into business with Henry Harp."

"You're going to want to kiss us."

"So he walks for killing a cop, but you nail him for killing the cop killer?"

"I want to go to law school and learn to turn gold into lead."

Jack: "No one's asking you to commit perjury."
Lennie: "Just tell me where to show up."

We Like Mike

"This is New York. Everybody looks scary."

Garcia: "Can I say how I didn't mean to do it?"
Briscoe: "You mean how you only shot him because he wouldn't give you his watch? Yeah, the D.A.'ll like that."

"Never trust lawyers."

"I guess we'll just have to convict you the old-fashioned way."

"I thought our intimidator had retired."

Passion

"We come down on her and we're wrong, we could be breaking up one very snooty couple. It might actually ruin my sleep for minutes."THPOGLL

"On Monday mornings, I usually take a chopper."

"Uh, class dismissed!"

Past Imperfect

"Mooching from your mother seems to be genetic."THPOGLL

"I guess she's not going to make 'employee of the month'."

Terminal

"He sends people to exotic hospitals."

"I would've worn my red silk but it was in the wash."THPOGLL

Return to the Quotes Page: