"Lying affects all age groups."
"If Ann-Margaret had asked me to go dancing when I was standing at the altar, I would've turned to the preacher and said, 'I don't.'"THPOGLL
C-Square: "I'll have my lawyers all over you."
Briscoe: "Oh, no--not the lawyers." QLB
Van Buren: "You guys single?"
Lennie: "Three times." THPOGLL
"The old lady keeps trying to make him look like Liberace."
Mike: "You were here?"
Lennie: "Yeah, for about 3 years when I was a kid. You could steal a comic book from that drug store and be skippin' down 103rd Street before the old guy at the counter even knew you were gone. I was, eh, interested in the criminal mind even then." THPOGLL
"New York City. You don't like the neighborhood? Wait ten minutes."
"A bar where white guys make racist remarks? Can't be too many of those around."
"Kids hate their stepmothers on principle. Read Cinderella."
"Not now, Popeye."
Logan: "Your kid's about 18, right? Well, you don't hear from her for a few days, what do you do?"
Lennie: "I hear from her, that's an occasion."
Mike (after reading from a treat letter:) "Get this, return address: '476 Avenue Bearing the Initial of Our Lord into the New Kingdom.'"
Lennie: "Great. This time of day it's gonna take us an hour to get downtown."
Mike: "Since when do you have a roadmap to heaven?"
Lennie: "I don't. But I've been up and down Avenue C."THPOGLL
"What's this -- animal, vegetable, or mineral?"
Lab technician (trying to establish the age of a skeleton): "Once we get the chemical analysis, we can narrow it down."
Lennie: "Great. When you get an answer, give me a call at the retirement home." THPOGLL
"Swim with sharks, bring band-aids!"
Lennie: "I had a girlfriend once -- Katrina. In two months, she took me to hell on a hand basket, but it was a lovely ride."
Mike: "And if she called tonight?"
Lennie: "I'd been waiting at the curb."
(Briscoe and Logan have entered a seedy male strip joint): "Mike... Don't touch anything."THPOGLL
"So long, Mrs. Chips."
Van Buren: "Wives always shoot husbands? Do you happen to have a motive?"
Lennie: "He's 56, she's 26. He's rich, she's gorgeous. I gotta be a genius?"THPOGLL
Man who runs Russian bride service: "How about you fellas? You still cheek-by-jowl with your blushing brides?"
Lennie: "Two priors, no conviction."THPOGLL
Russian bride broker: "You guys single?"
Briscoe: "Yeah, three times." QLB
"'Disgruntled' is when they're picking your underwear up off the floor."
"This guy made a note to himself every time he hiccupped."
"I want to cheer up an old lady, I buy her a ten year subscription to TV Guide,"
Suspect's attorney: "Miss Gonzalez says that Mrs. Bower gave her the candlesticks. Now there's no one alive to say she didn't."
Lennie: "Which kind of brings us to the main event, counselor."THPOGLL
"Aruba! Guess who's going to miss the dinner flight?"
"Hey, guys, want to work off some donuts here?"
Shaw: "What do you think you're doing?"
Lennie: "Our favorite thing. Steven Shaw, you're under arrest. . ."
"We let her go, we might as well get a head start and arrest the kid right now."
Mike: "The bank said they wired ten grand out of his account to Western Union in Midtown this morning."
Lennie: "That'll buy the baby some formula." THPOGLL
"There's no statute of limitations on murder. Sweet dreams, pal."
"So she felt she deserved a little more than just an honorable discharge."
"Usually I'm just hoping the week will end."
Forensic scientist: "You got a suspect with a nuclear reactor in his basement?"
Briscoe: "Yeah, as a matter of fact, we do!" QLB
Suspect/scientist: "I'll make it simple for you. This reactor could not irradiate that bomb."
Lennie: "I'm afraid that's a little too simple." THPOGLL
(leaving the room after interrogating a suspect): "I'll pass your sentiments on up the food chain." QLB
(in response to finding out about the Nobel Prize winner's snootiness): "So he never stopped in to borrow a cup of protons?" QLB
"I used to tell my mom I was getting A's in chemistry."
"Mike, haven't you learned every homicide has social and political ramifications?"
Man: "This isn't what you think."
Lennie: "Yeah, I know. It's a meeting of the Rotary Club."
"I got X-ray glasses."
Logan: "One of these days I'm going to pack up a Winnebago."
Briscoe: "And go where?"
Logan: "Upstate,...New Hampshire."
Briscoe: "Right--I spent a year there one weekend." QLB
"We're familiar with his teflon suit."
"Don't worry, we'll water him once a day."
(To a woman who has just castrated her husband, saying she's going to sue him for divorce): "I think your husband might have a better case, Mrs. D'Angelo."THPOGLL
Pool player: "This is not a game of chance."
Lennie: "Oh, you mean you didn't make anything on the break on purpose?" THPOGLL
"Checks your back and takes your jack."
"Go crazy, Profaci."
"John DeSantis. Blame it on the Jews, sometimes you get an Italian by mistake."
Lennie: "We don't really give a damn about these people looting and bustin' up people's cars. That's not our department. We're homicide."
Suspect: "So?"
Lennie: "So, your friend there is homicidin' somebody."THPOGLL
"Did the blur say anything?"
"Right, and he whacked her with his magic wand."
"I'm a fan of Patrick Ewing -- I don't send him threatening letters."
"The guy's got tennis balls between his ears."
Mike (discussing infidelity as a motive for murder): Don't wives always know?"
Lennie: "Mine did.""
Mike: "Yours didn't hire a hit man."
Lennie: "Not yet." THPOGLL