Season Thirteen

Season Thirteen Season Thirteen

American Jihad

"Some bulbs don't burn as bright as others."

Lennie: "There's expensive artwork on all the walls."
Anita: "And you're a conneisuer now?"
Lennie: "Hey, if it ain't 'Dogs Playing Poker'..."

Lennie: "Neighbors say they were quite the party givers."
Ed: "No, all they said is there was a lot of people coming in or out."
Lennie: "Hey, to me, two or more people is a party."

Telemarketer: "A tape? Sure, piece of cake."
Lennie: "What, no donut?"

"I guess I missed that day on Sesame Street."

"Ballistics? My kind of scientists."

"Murder isn't just a sin, Mr. Scott. It's also a felony."

"From what I hear, you kill more cells drinking a beer than doing stem cell research."

"I used to call it tea, too."

"What's that from, 'The Center for the Advancement for Wife Beaters'?""

Strickland official: "Greg is highly intelligent but has trouble fitting in. I'm sure you know the type."
Lennie: "Yeah, I read about them in the Columbine News."

"You know if you were on your way down to the precinct, we can give you a ride."

Shangri-La

Lennie: "Just once, I wish the bad guys would work at a reasonable hour."
Ed: "Yeah, like you got something better to do."
Lennie: "Hey, I was smack in the middle of a 4-star dream."
Ed: "Alone?"
Lennie: "What, are you hosting a talk show?"

"Gets an A+ for neatness."

M.E.: "What we got here is one very dead body."
Lennie: "You went to school for that?"

Ed: "So my theory on dreams dying once you wake may have just gone bust."
Lennie: "Huh? I didn't have any coffee yet, Ed."

"Let's go to the videotape."

Ed: "I'm starting to think that school vouchers aren't such a bad idea."
Lennie: "Sure, why shouldn't a bunch of Bible-bangers brainwash the next generation?"
Ed: "Man, you're just lucky your kids are grown. I'm sorry about that."
Lennie: "You're lucky you don't have any."

Rodgers: "Notice the feet."
Lennie: "I'm more of a leg man, Doc."

Bergen: "Let's go, Mets."
Lennie: "First good thing you said."

Ed: "I had the Mets on the back end of a three team parlay."
Lennie: "Hey, I love 'em, but don't bet on them."

Tech: "He never tells the little man working the clock with the VCR."
Lennie: "That explains why I keep missing Sex and the City."

"Life's a caberet, old chum."

"Hell hath no fury like a pissed off teenage girl."

Ed: "Did you keep tabs on the guys your kids spent time with?"
Lennie: "Does an alphabetized list count?"

Ed: "Hey, I told you about Darlene, right? Senior year, girl had legs up to here, body was like pa-dow. What was she doing with a scrub like me?"
Lennie: "Mine was a cheerleader."
Ed: "Anyway, like an idiot, I believed her when the 'I can't live without you' turned into 'No, I'm sorry, I got to study."
Lennie: "Or 'I got to go shopping with the girls'."

True Crime

"He [the garbage truck] wakes me up every Tuesday and Thursday morning."

Officer: "I already tore him a new one, OK?"
Lennie: "Well, there goes my fun."

EdL "That's a tough first day on the job."
Lennie: "It's an even tougher last day."

"Oh, please tell me she's got her name and address tattooed somewhere."

Lennie: "Call me old-fashioned, but plastic cools my engine."
Ed: "Well, you seemed to enjoy Shirley what's-her-name from the spaghetti joint."
Lennie: "Believe me, everything about Shirley was real."
Ed: "Well, I guess you two never went jogging."
Lennie: "Hey, when did you become such an expert on what's real and what isn't?"
Ed: "Man, I'm a regular Rene Descartes."
Lennie: "Renee . . . I think I got a lap dance from her once."

"So, was hell anywhere near where she lived?"

"My kind of book: short."

"I don't think Jeffrey Dahmer got mail this bad."

"She gets more hate mail than I get junk mail."

"I guess forensics missed that CD."

"We got us one hell of a guy here, Ed. Girl throws him out, leaves him crawling on dirt for nickels and dimes and he wishes her nothing but the best."

Anita: "Do you believe him?"
Lennie: "I believe on a good day, he couldn't find his ass with both hands."

"Could you stop being a lawyer for a minute?"

Ed: "we're part of your fan club, Travis."
Lennie: "Yeah, we're having a meeting tonight and you're the featured speaker."

Tragedy on Rye

"When are people gonna learn a good friend can be your worst enemy?"

(referring to the plasma screen TV): "For six grand it ought to make coffee and do the dishes."

"When she wasn't not acting, she was not earning a buck as a musician."

"We also have something called material witness orders. That means we can keep you here until all those apples grown back."

"Now all we gotta do is put out an APB for two badly dressed out of towners."

"I love the ponies."

Lennie: "Third race -- I gotta go with Ed's Pepper."
Ed: "You gotta be kidding."
Lennie: "She's a gray. I always bet the gray."
Ed: "And you wonder why you always lose."
Lennie: "She's got the inside post."

"I guess selling swag is recession proof."

"Only thing my cousin ever gave me was the mumps."

"The name of the guy who pays the legal fees isn't priveleged -- my second divorce."

(to Ed): "You look fine. Have a nice time at the prom."

The Ring

"What are you, Steven Spielberg?"

Ed: "This reminds me of science class."
Lennie: "Reminds me of home."

"I grew up in the meat packing district."

"They missed that day in charm school."

Green: "Why do people waste that much money?"
Briscoe: "This coming from Mr. Rolex."
Green: "Hey, there's a big jump between my Rolex and that ring."
Briscoe: "You just don't get it, do you?"
Green: "What, spending that much money on diamonds? No, I don't."
Briscoe: "You are _so_ single. You know, jewelry isn't just something for a woman to look at, it's a safety net."
Green: "Oh, here we go. Safety net?"
Briscoe: "Yeah. Something to fall back on when the man in her life decides he wants another life."
Green: "Or drown his in a bottle of bourbon?"
Briscoe: "Something like that."
Green: "Lennie, I know a whole lot of women that would kick you in your jewels for a theory like that."
Briscoe: "After they got the rock. "

Ed: "All these monied elite are starting to bore me."
Lennie: "Hey, I voted for alphabetical. You're the one who said you wanted to go geographical."

"Call me Sidney the Cynic."

Van Buren: "You want to indict a guy because of a dessert?"
Lennie: "Well, it is killer chocolate cake."

"I knew a guy only dated women named Mary. Kept things simple."

Hitman

Green: "Man, you are such a cynic when it comes to love."
Briscoe: "Not love: marriage."

"This guy owes the butcher, the baker, AND the candlestick maker."

Lennie: "Well, there's a refreshing change."
Ed: "What, a wife leaving her husband for a younger guy?"
Lennie: "No, a wife who doesn't want her ex-husband dead."

"If you were my kid, I would've lost your number the day you learned to talk."

"This lady makes an insurance claim before she takes care of the funeral arrangements."

"I'm not a sand and sunblock kind of guy."

"Sherri's not Miss Congeniality."

Lennie: "Well, May-December romances, you know what they say."
Ed: "You're the matrimonial expert, you tell me."
Lennie: "Cherchez le pre-nup."

"My lieutenant wouldn't let me anywhere near her dinner table."

"Hey, I saw Body Heat three times."

Ed: "You know what they charge for a drink in this place?"
Lennie: "Why do you think I quit?"

"I hate to point it out, but that's a twelve dollar drink you're sipping."

Van Buren: "Where the hell are the Turks and Calcos anyway?"
Lennie: "Somewhere in the Sargasso Sea."
Van Buren: "Which is?"
Lennie: "I know it's out past Queens."

Lennie: "You like guns, huh?"
Porter: "So does our President."
Lennie: "I didn't vote for him."

"Of all the cell phones in all the gin joints in the world. . ."

"Well, I'm no Serena Williams, but I know one thing -- it's all in the wrist."

Open Season

"I guess every adversarial system needs a bad guy."

"I doubt they wear their Armanis to bed."

Lennie: "Grodie gets me on the stand and starts quistioning me about my extracurricular activities."
Ed: "Oh, you mean the liquid kind."
Lennie: "He had the jury convinced I was running around solving cases in between shots."

Officer Vitelli: "Your partner needs to loosen up."
Lennie: "That is loose."

Lennie: "YOu know where the money from all that source goes?"
Suspect: "We have a lot of expenses!"
Ed: "Yeah, guns, explosives . . ."
Lennie: "All those copies of Mein Kampf."

* (Asterisk)

CSU Tech: "The neck was snapped like a stalk of celery."
Lennie: "I hate celery."

Rodgers: "Neck was snapped like a --"
Lennie: "I know, like a stalk of celery."

Ed: "He was killed somewhere else and then dumped."
Lennie: "Damn litterbugs."

"Maybe you ought to keep your mouth shut before you talk yourself into a felony."

"Where can we find the artist known as Hades?"

Anita: "What is it with the male of the species?"
Lennie: "You got a couple of months?"
Anita: "Well, I'm referring to how you could just about melt in front of a guy who could hit a ball with a bat."
Ed: "All I said was if the kid stays healthy, he's a lock for Cooperstown."
Anita: "Yeah, only it's how you said it."
Ed: "How'd I say it?"
Anita: "Like a six-year-old talking about a banana split." (to Lennie) "Oh, please, like you're any better. 'Maybe he'll sign his rookie card for me.'"
Lennie: "See, that was a business proposition. That rookie car could put my grandchildren through medical school."

Lennie: "Sort of a Marcus Welby thing, huh? You make a lot of house calls?"
Doctor: "I'm a Ph.D. in chemistry."
Lennie: "Yeah, I can guess what kind of chemicals you're cooking up."

Doctor: "You guys are funny. I hear there's an opening at Cardine's."
Lennie: "Yeah, we'd check it out, but we're getting our laughs working on a homicide."

"Makes it harder to believe the Babe hit 60 on hot dogs and beer during a 154-game season."

"That asterisk is getting bigger as we speak."

Lennie: "The trouble is we like fact, not fiction."
Seleeby: "Screw you."
Lennie: "Oh, that kind of attitude is not going to get you on a Wheaties box."

"Juries love ball players. I mean, you saw what happened with O.J."

"Two outs, bottom of the ninth, and you just struck out, pal."

The Wheel

"My ex-wife talked me into seeing a counselor and the counselor talked me into getting a divorce."

"I sprained my ankle once. My foot blew up so bad I couldn't wear a shoe for a week."

"Ididn't it sound like that Deputy General knew an awful lot about lawsuits for somebody who wasn't being sued?"

Driver: "Mr. Chen get girls for money."
Lennie: "Ah, the international language."

"A guy like this -- you put the chains on his wrists, he'll crack like a year old fortune cookie."

Mother's Day

Ed: "What the hell was she doing all the way up here?"
Lennie: "You mean other than being a crash test dummy?"

"Who is this guy, Frosty the Snowman?"

"He's frosty, all right."

Payton: "Maybe I got my day wrong."
Lennie: "Maybe I'll run for pope."

Chosen

Lennie: "What happened to 'bug American?'"
Ed: "What happened to American quality?"
Lennie: "Hey, my suits were made right on Sixth Avenue."
Ed: "Yeah, ten years ago."
Lennie: "And your point is?"

Ed: "What do you want to do with this [money]?"
Lennie: "Well, there's this Ferrari I've had my eye on..."

Betsy: "'Pre-engaged.' What the hell is that?"
Lennie: "Don't ask me. All I know i s post-married."

Under God

Officer: "Said he was partying at some club nearby, took a wrong turn home."
Lennie: "I'd find that more convincing if his fly was zipped."

"It's a good thing you're not narcotics. Oh, wait a minute. You ARE narcotics!"

(To a father whose son died from drugs): "Sometimes the big guy answers your prayers."

(To the same man): "In a perfect world, I'd hold him down while you smacked him with that pipe you chased him with."

"Let's just say that when the prophylactic doesn't work out, we're the punitive."

"The thing is... I get up every morning and I brush my teeth, I shave, and I kick myself for not putting a .38 between his eyes."

Lennie: "Couple of weeks ago, I'm sitting in this joint in the East side having a hamburger. Guy sits down at the table next to me, and I blurt out, "Ron!"
Ed: "Who you talking about? Litchenstein from the 1-6?"
Lennie: "Ran Darling from the '86 Mets. You know what my first thought was? 'I gotta call Cathy.' She always had a thing for him. She's been gone six years. I dunno. You lose a kid, everything stirs up memories."

All right, Ed, read the box its rights."

"Confessions R Us -- we deliver."

Absentia

Briscoe: "Hey, any of you guys want to join your friend, there's plenty of room in Riker's!"
*The Russians back off*
Green: "Guess they understood that."
Briscoe: "Yeah, Riker's is Riker's in any language."

(as he's leaving a Russian bar): "Dosvidanya!"

Woman: "Get the hell out!"
Lennie: "Don't you love innocent bystanders?"

"How do you say 'We're screwed' in French?"

Star Crossed

B*tch

Suicide Box

Genius

Green: "The best way to get a drunk to talk is to let him drink. Right Lennie?"
Briscoe: "Here here!"

(Arresting a suspect who's a writer of some rather violent poetry)
Briscoe: "Don't you just love it when art imitates life?"

(Briscoe's reading a book of somewhat violent poetry written by a murder suspect)
Anita Van Buren (pointing at the book): "Book report's due at 3."
Briscoe: "Eh, my dog ate it."