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Claudia sat in her room, staring at the blank pages in her journal. She flipped to her last entry as she read the last line. She needed to sort through her feelings and writing in her journal always helped her to do that. But the words would not come...and the confusion was still there. Claudia hadn't left the cabin in the last three days as Mark's words still echoed in her heart. She kept everyone at a distance, even Kori and Anna. Claudia didn't know what to tell them, she didn't know how to express what she was feeling. Three years of Psychology classes couldn't even help Claudia. Psychology was helpful when the mind was at odds but was useless in the ways of the heart. Mark had tried talking to Claudia several times in the last three days but was cut off by Anna and Kori. They knew their friend needed time, not sure the reason why but they would honor Claudia's feelings.
Claudia stood up from her bed, walked over to her desk, set her journal down as Mark's words began to haunt her. She closed her eyes as she tried to shut out his voice but his image was still fresh in her mind. She had opened up to Mark, she had shared her true feelings with him, she had revealed herself to him and he denied her. Maybe he was in shock from the honesty but Claudia could not shut out the hurt that he caused. The words that went through her like a knife.
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"I don't love you in that way." he said as Claudia laid on the blanket staring at him. She had just told him that she loved him and wanted a future with him. But as he spoke the words, Claudia went numb. She thought she had sensed that he felt the same, she thought she saw it in his eyes but she was wrong. She read him totally wrong and now she was hearing the words loud and clear. "I don't want to marry you, Claudia but I do want to have sex with you." Mark continued. Claudia had shared with him that she was a virgin, that she wanted to wait until she was married to have sex. That it was on her wedding night that she wanted to give the most precious part of her to the man she loved. But even in his words, even in his words that rejected all hopes of a future with him, all the wants and desires for him were still raging in her. She didn't run from Mark that night, she ran from herself.
"I try but I can't seem to get myself to think of anything else but you, your breath on my face, the taste of your kiss..."
She tried tuning out the music, not wanting to hear the words. She picked up her journal, went back to her bed and began writing....
I know that I want to be with Mark. I know that I love him but when he said that he didn't think that he would ever marry me. I don't know. I just always thought that I would fall in-love and then get married... "the truth, I taste the truth. you know what I came here for, so I won't ask for more...."
I have never wanted anything more right now then to be with Mark. I don't care if we don't have a future... NO!! I can't. I can't feel this way. Being with Mark is not sensible...
"I wanna be with you, if only for a night, be the one in your arms, holding you tight. There is nothing else to say, nothing else more that I want then to feel this way, I wanna be with you..."
Claudia put her journal down as she leaned back on her bed and closed her eyes.
"I can't fight this feeling anymore, drives me crazy when I try, call my name, feel my hand, make my wish your command."
She listened to the words of the song as her heart began to beat faster with the images of Mark and how he would gently kiss her, hold her and brush her hair out of her face. She longed to see his smile and his blue eyes as they looked into hers. She knew that she shouldn't feel the way she did, she knew that she couldn't have a future...
Claudia's thoughts were interrupted by a sweet kiss as she slowly opened her eyes to see Mark before her. He gently sat down on the bed as he kissed her lips again. Mark had missed Claudia in the last three days. He had sat in his room, alone, waiting to tell Claudia how he truly felt. He wanted to revive his heart in the same way that Claudia had. He loved Claudia even more because she had opened up to him but he couldn't. Once again, he held back everything that he felt for Claudia. But he had come over that night to tell her, to show her and to make a future with her.
Everything in her mind was telling her to resist, to push him away but her body wanted him. She wanted him, she wanted to be closer to him in only the most intimate way. He leaned back as he traced her face with his finger, following the lines of the lips that he just kissed. He could still see the hurt in her eyes that he caused and he was willing to do anything to take that away. He just had to say the words, he just had to tell her that he loved her and that he only wanted to make a future with her. His heart was beating for her, his heart was screaming to say the words but as he sat beside her, he couldn't find the strength.
"I wanna be with you , if only for one night, be the one in your arms, holding you tight."
"I like this song." Mark said softly as he continued to trace Claudia's face.
"Mark, I ..." Claudia stopped speaking as she pulled Mark down on her. She kissed him more passionately then she had before, her very being was screaming for him.
"Claudia, I want to make sure that this right. I want you to be sure that you are ready." Mark said as he pulled himself from Claudia. 'Just say the words', he thought, 'Just tell her that you love her more then anything in the world, tell her that you would never leave her and that it was never about sex.' But he said nothing and continued holding her hand.
"Mark, there is only thing that I know, and that is this...you...right now. I don't know about tomorrow or even care about tomorrow. I just want you, want you so close to me." Claudia began unbuttoning her blouse and then pulled Mark's shirt off. Mark did everything he could not to jump at the occasion. He knew that he had to go slow, he knew that everything that Claudia would be comparing in life would be this moment. The music stopped as Claudia laid before Mark, wanting him more then anything.
"Tell me one thing." Claudia said finally getting the courage.
"Anything, Angelface." Mark said as he kissed her cheek.
"Tell me that you love me. I don't care if you don't but for this time, just tell me." Claudia waited as Mark laid on her staring into her eyes.
"Claudia Sommerhill, I love you. I love you more then I have ever loved anyone before..." He stopped as he looked into her eyes. He saw it for the first time, he saw what he had feared..."I don't know what the future will bring us but I do know that I love you now." Mark leaned down kissing her lips, the lips that were so sweet. He moved his lips to her chin, down her neck and then to...
Claudia laid in Mark's arms while he slept. She felt pure exhaustion as she caressed his chest. Mark was everything that Claudia had hoped and her first time was one that she would cherish her whole life. He was gentle, he was loving and he made her feel like a woman. She watched his chest move up and down as he breathed, she traced the lips that she loved. She loved the way that his lips made her feel. She saw her journal sitting on the end table as the light flickered in the room from the hallway. She reached over Mark and grabbed her journal. She wanted to write down how wonderful she felt before the feeling left her. She fumbled with the pages as she came across the entry....she focused her eyes on the last sentence.
"I have just met the man of my dreams...."
Claudia quickly closed the journal as her heart began to beat faster. She looked at Mark who continued to sleep...she opened her journal again and quietly ripped out all but the last pages....the pages of her feelings for Mark.
She closed her eyes as she could hear Anna, Bryan and Shane in the living room watching TV. She could hear Shane talking and laughing. Her mind began to wander to Shane and the kiss that almost happened. She could see his eyes staring at her as they became closer, his hand touching hers...Claudia began to drift off to sleep in Mark's arms as her thoughts were consumed of Shane... the kiss that didn't happen...the touch...the love that she saw in his eyes...
Mark woke up in the early morning. He gently got out of bed, trying not to disturb her as he stood thinking about Claudia and how beautiful she was, how pure she was and how he was the one that her heart wanted to be with. Claudia gave him something that no man would have again. He felt honored but then he also felt like he was cheating Claudia. He was honest with her, he didn't know what their future was but he wasn't honest in the reasoning why. He wasn't honest because he couldn't face it himself. He tuned out his own thoughts as Kori entered the kitchen startling Mark.
"Sorry, well, well...looks like our little Claudia became a woman last night." She said laughing. Mark just smiled as he finished his glass of water.
"Promise me something, Mark." Kori said as Mark began walking back to the bedroom.
"What?" He said, stopping to look at her.
"Promise me that you will love her, no matter what happens between you two. Promise me that you will always love her." Kori's tone may have been playful, but underneath he knew she was deadly serious.
"Forever." Mark simply said and turned around to be with Claudia. To be with woman that he knew would never truly be his....
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