Mark looked down at Mattie again, not liking how she had suddenly gone so quiet. �Alright Mattie,� he said. �I�m going to get off of you now, but I want no funny business, do you hear me? Now. Why don't you and I try to have a calm, rational conversation?" There was no answer from Mattie. "I'm going to take that as a yes. Now I'm going to take my hand off your mouth, slowly, and you're not going to make a fuss when I do, right?" Still no answer. "I'm going to take that as a yes too." Mark started to take his hand slowly away from Mattie's mouth, and to his relief, she didn't start screaming when he did. He climbed off of her and sat beside her on the bed, and Mattie sat up also, propping herself up against the headboard and crossing her arms defiantly, her expression a stormcloud.
Mark sat back and studied her for a few minutes, and once he was satisfied that she wasn�t going to run off or do anything similarly dramatic, decided to speak. "Alright then. Would you mind explaining to me why you're acting like such a prat?"
"A prat!"
"Yes a prat. Actually, not just a prat, a massive prat. Like, a MONSTER prat." Mattie fell silent and turned her head to the side, but Mark reached out and turned her head back gently so she was facing him. Only her eyes were focused on anything but his face. "Hey. Look at me." Her eyes finally met his then, and though anger was the predominant expression in them, it was the hurt and the sadness behind it that Mark picked up that tugged at his heart. "What happened to you tonight?" he asked softly, reaching out for her hand. Mattie snatched it back and Mark withdrew, hurt.
"Nothing happened to me tonight," Mattie said dully. "I had some fun for once. I can have fun without you, you know."
"What does that mean?" Mark asked, shaking his head. "You're not having fun here? You want to go home?" He held his breath, hoping she would say no. He didn't think he could make it through this week without her, he needed her with him.
"That's not it," Mattie said irritably.
Mark breathed a silent sigh of relief. "Then what is it then? Why are you being this way?" He reached out again and touched her cheek, and she didn�t resist him. But she kept her eyes trained on the ceiling, still refusing to look at him. Suddenly, a light dawned on Mark's face. "Is this - " he began slowly. "Is this about what happened earlier this evening?" Mark asked hesitantly.
Mattie froze. Did he mean - had he been awake when... Please, please tell me he wasn't awake when I was in his room, she pleaded silently. Her mind ran frantically through the events right before she and the others had left for the club, when she had gone to get Bryan's wallet. She had been sitting on the bed, tears running down her cheeks....she had kissed him....she had said the words....I love you. Mattie's hands started to tremble and she clenched them tightly to stop the shaking. She closed her eyes, unwilling to look into his face, afraid of what she might see there. Oh God, does he know? Mattie was on the verge of panic.
"Mattie?" She opened her eyes at the soft tone of his voice and it took all her self control to look at Mark's face. Mattie looked up at him, scared to death as she willed her whole body not to tremble.
"What happened earlier - " she stammered shakily. "I - I can explain..."
"No, it was my fault," Mark cut in.
Mattie stared at him in confusion. "What?"
Mark shook his head. "I don't know what got into me...I just got - caught up I guess you could say. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry if you're mad at me about that, if I made you uncomfortable....I'm sorry."
Mattie stared at Mark in puzzlement for a few more seconds. What was he - then realization dawned on her and she almost choked on the wave of relief. Mattie recalled what had happened earlier, when they had been sitting in the moonlight...that's what he had been talking about...he didn't know about what happened later. Mattie let out a breath she had been holding for what seemed like forever and rubbed her hands over her face tiredly.
�Look Mark,� she said, looking down. �That wasn�t anything. Just forget about it�I did.�
Mark sat back. That had hurt. He wasn�t expecting her to react like that�.she seemed so cold and distant. Not like the Mattie he knew. �What�s up with you, anyway?� he asked.
�What are you talking about?� Mattie asked crossly.
�What do you mean, �What am I talking about�?� Mark asked incredulously. �Why are you being such an arse?�
�What?! You know what, I do NOT have to sit here and listen to this.� Mattie made to get up, but Mark reached out quickly and grabbed a hold of her hair so that she couldn�t escape. When he yanked on it, Mattie sat back down hard on the bed with a yelp.
�OW! Let go!�
�No! Will you quit being such a brat and hear me out? You�re making this MUCH harder than it has to be.�
�Oh shut up Mark! You can just take your speeches and shove them up your arse, cos I�m sick of them! I�m sick of everything! I�m sick of YOU! God, why can�t you just leave me alone?!� Mattie wrenched away from him and stalked out the door, leaving him sitting shocked and bewildered on the bed. It took several moments for Mark to gather himself before he started getting angry again. He pushed himself up off the bed and started out the door after her. He made it into the hall just in time to see the lift closing, with Mattie in it.
�Shit,� he swore as he ran over to the elevator and pushed the button for the next one. It came quickly and Mark stepped inside. He pushed the button for the lobby, reasoning that that was the only place she would go. When the door opened for the lobby, he stepped out and looked around to see Mattie pushing her way through a set of doors that led outside. Mark set briskly after her, muttering obscenities to himself under his breath. He pushed open the doors and stepped into the cool night air. He spotted her immediately, curled up on a bench, her legs drawn up against her chest, her forehead resting on her knees.
Mattie looked up when she heard him approach and she averted her eyes from his angry expression. �Please Mark�not now,� she begged him tiredly. �I can�t handle this now. Not tonight.�
�No,� Mark said determinedly. �We�re going to settle this right now. What the hell is your problem? What the fuck is going on with you?� He saw her flinch, tears filling her eyes as he spat out the words and Mark immediately regretted being so harsh. The hurt on her face tore at his heart, and Kian�s words from earlier that evening came to him once more. I�m sick of Feehily acting like such an idiot he can�t even see what he�s doing or who he�s hurting. Mark searched his brain for something, anything that might be causing Mattie to act like this, but he couldn�t find anything. He hadn�t the least clue of why she was being so cold to him. �Have I hurt you?� he asked helplessly. �Have I done something to you?�
Mattie choked back a sob at the confusion in his voice. If he only knew�but he could never know. She brushed away her tears angrily and fisted her hands in her hair, still refusing to look at him. She couldn�t. Everytime she looked at him, into his eyes, a piece of her defense broke down. She couldn�t let that happen. Suddenly, Mattie just felt completely overwhelmed, a wave of tiredness washing over her. There was a loud relentless pounding in her head that wouldn�t go away. She was just so tired, of everything. Tired of hiding the way she felt, tired of feeling the way she felt. Tired of all the pain. When did things get so complicated? Mattie longed to be back at home, to sleep in her own bed and have a cup of tea and a chat with her dad and have a laugh with her friends. How long had it been since she�d been in Ireland? It seemed like years. (mebbe cuz this story has been going ON for like a year. Dang!) �Oh God�� she whispered. �I just�I just want to go home.�
Mark�s heart sank. �Why?� he asked.
Mattie shook her head. �I just � I need to go home, I have to go home,� she babbled incoherently. �I can�t stay here anymore. I can�t handle this.� She stood up and began to pace around.
Mark looked at her in bewilderment. �What? Handle what? Mattie what are you talking about? What�s wrong? Why won�t you tell me? Jesus Mattie! Stop doing this, it�s killing me!�
Mattie kept shaking her head slowly, twisting her hands together. She slowly started backing away from him. �Please�Mark�I can�t � I cant � �
Mark ran his hand through his hair in frustration. �Can�t WHAT? What are you talking about? Please, would you just tell me what�s going on with you, because I can�t stand another minute of this!�
�For God�s sake!� Mattie burst out. �Just stop it! Shut up! Do I have to tell you every goddamn thing about me? Why do you always have to know EVERYTHING? Why can�t you just leave me alone? That�s all I want! I just want to be left the hell alone! So just fuck off, Mark!� She turned on her heel and began to walk away quickly, hoping he wouldn�t notice how she was shaking. It hurt her unbearably to walk away from him, knowing that she had just caused him pain, but she had to shut him out somehow. She had let her guard down once before, and he had broken her heart. Mattie wasn�t about to let that happen again, she didn�t think she could survive another heartbreak. It just hurt too much. Maybe shutting Mark out wasn�t the best answer�but she was desperate and it was all she could think of right now. All she knew was that she couldn�t let him in again, just so he could take another piece of her sanity�and of her heart. Mattie had vowed to herself that she wouldn�t let Mark do it again, and planned on sticking by that resolution.
Mark stood still in shock, watching Mattie walk away from him. God, what was wrong with her? Why was she being like this? The argument in the hall with Kian still resounded sharply in his mind. With a harsh intake of breath, Mark started after her at a furious pace. When he reached her, Mark took her by the arm and turned her roughly, grabbing both of her arms firmly.
�What have I done to you?� Mark demanded heatedly. �Tell me, Mattie, what have I done? Just tell me what I�ve done, if I�ve hurt you in any way, and I�ll make it right. I promise you, I�ll make it right, I�ll do anything! Just please, don�t do this to me anymore! Because it�s killing me, it�s killing me Mattie. Why are you being this way? God, will you just tell me! Please�� Mark finished brokenly.
Mattie tried to twist away from him. �Please, Mark, let go, you�re hurting me!�
Immediately, Mark loosened his grip on her Mattie but still kept a firm hold. God, he just wanted to shake some sense into her, ask her what in God�s name she was on about. She might still be drunk, but the anger and the pain in her face was real, he knew that much. But what he didn�t know was why it was there. Mark tried to look at Mattie�s face, into her eyes, but she was doing everything she could to avoid his gaze. �Why won�t you look at me?� Mark asked slowly. Mattie made no reply, maintaining her defiant silence. Slowly, Mark began to slide his hands up her arms, across her shoulders�Mattie shivered when his warm hands came into contact with her bare neck. He cradled her face gently, his thumb wiping away the single tear that had managed to escape. �Why are you crying Mattie?� Mark�s voice was a mere whisper, but the words made her heart constrict painfully. �Mattie,� Mark said softly. He started to lift her face up, slowly. �Look at me.�
Mattie shook her head, still avoiding his intense gaze. �I can�t,� she said in a faint voice.
�Why?�
Why? How was she supposed to tell him why she couldn�t? How was she supposed to tell him that everytime she looked into his eyes, she fell deeper, and harder? That sometimes just being near him hurt so much she could hardly breathe? How was she supposed to tell him�that she loved him?
Another hot tear burned a trail down Mattie�s cheek and she closed her eyes. �Please don�t, Mark,� she begged him weakly. �Please, just let me go.�
Mark stared at her in wonderment. Mattie�s eyes were shut tightly and he could feel her trembling, and it frightened him. This was not Mattie. His Mattie was strong, willful, intractable. This Mattie�this Mattie was defenseless, fragile�scared. She almost seemed a stranger, and that scared him more than anything. Mark touched her closed eyes gently, those eyes that he loved. Those eyes that had always been beautiful and deep, and above all, familiar. �Open your eyes Mattie,� Mark asked desperately. �Please, I need to see them, please, Mattie.� She choked a little on a sob, but kept her eyes closed. She reached her hands up and grasped Mark�s wrists in a bid to let go of her face, but he only tightened his hold. �No!� he said, shaking his head adamantly. �Why won�t you look at me? Why can�t you look at me? That�s all I want Mattie, that�s all I�m asking! I want to see your eyes. I want you to look at me, Mattie. Look at me.�
Still trembling, Mattie began to open her eyes, keeping them cast downwards. Her hands were gripping Mark�s wrists so tightly that her fingers were turning white, but neither of them seemed to notice. Slowly, she began to lift her head, slowly, slowly, until she finally brought herself to look him full in the face, into his eyes. Mattie bit down hard on her lower lip to keep another sob from escaping. His eyes, God, those eyes, were filled with so much hurt and confusion, but they were still Mark�s eyes. Still a steady blue, steady and familiar and tender. Mattie fought to keep herself from breaking down, but it was getting harder with each second. She wanted so badly to collapse in his arms, just let him hold her, forever, and cry until the pain went away. She wanted to cry the tears that it seemed she was always holding back. But Mark couldn�t take the pain away, and she still had to hold back. All her life she had turned to Mark for comfort when she was hurt, angry, confused, scared. But now, when Mattie needed him most, she couldn�t turn to him. He had always been her rock, there to catch her when she fell, and she was falling now, but he wasn�t there�and that was her fault, and hers alone. She had made the choice to shut him out�but in Mattie�s mind, that was the only way she could spare herself more pain.
Mattie tried to turn her head away, but Mark�s hands held firm, forcing her to keep looking at him. He looked deep into her eyes searching for something, anything, that would let him read what she was thinking. It used to be so easy, just one look and he would know�but it wasn�t easy anymore. �What is it you need?� he asked helplessly. �What do you want, Mattie? Anything you want, you know I would give it to you if I could, you know that.�
You, I want YOU, Mattie wanted so desperately to say. But instead, she shook her head. �I don�t need anything from you,� she said emotionlessly.
�Why are you being like this?!� Mark exploded. �What the HELL is wrong with you?!� Mattie winced as he snatched his hands away from her face and walked off a distance. Suddenly, Mattie legs felt very weak, and she managed to make her way over to the bench she had been sitting at. She lowered herself down on the seat, another wave of exhaustion overcoming her. Mattie looked up at Mark, who was standing with his back to her, staring at nothing in particular.
It seemed like forever until he finally turned around. Mark looked directly at her, and Mattie willed herself to not look away. She wouldn�t be the weaker one anymore. Mattie stared back at him unwaveringly as he came closer. Slowly, Mark knelt down in front of her and took her hands in his. She didn�t react to that, only kept looking at him defiantly, as if daring him to make her break down. Mark searched her face carefully, taking in every detail, trying to find his Mattie behind this distant mask. �Where�s my Mattie?� he asked slowly. �Where�s the Mattie that I know? This isn�t you�I know you, and this isn�t you.�
Mattie gave a short, bitter laugh before shaking her head almost sorrowfully. �Oh Mark,� she said in an icy tone. �You don�t know me.�
Mark stood still as the words cut through him like a knife. Of all the things she could have said�that one broke his heart. �How can you say that?� he asked disbelievingly. �How can you say that I don�t know you? After twenty years? Twenty years of sharing hopes and dreams and sadness and happiness�how can you say that?� Mark was on the verge of breaking point, but Mattie sat still, looking back at him calmly. Mark shook his head in astonishment. �Mattie, you know me better than anyone else in the world�how can you � � Mark broke off, not trusting his own voice. He looked into her eyes trying to find some kind of warmth from them, but they were still cold and steely.
Mark hardened his own eyes. �You and I always promised each other that we would always be there for each other.� Mark took a deep breath, ignoring the tear that had run down his face. �You said you would always be there for me. Where are you now? You promised me�no secrets, no demands�the best of friends�always. And now you�re turning away from me and you won�t even tell me why.� He touched her face, and Mattie flinched only slightly, almost imperceptibly. �Where are you? Where�s my Mattie?�
Mattie shook her head slowly. �She�s not there,� she whispered softly. �Because you never knew me.� Gently, Mattie took Mark�s hands away from her face, holding them for just a second before she let them go. She turned and walked away then, slowly, back into the hotel, never looking back once. And left Mark standing in the cold night air, both of them feeling more alone than they ever had.
�Well look who�s awake!� Georgina said brightly as she noticed Mattie attempting to wake up.
Mattie tried to sit up on her own, then gave up and dragged herself up against the headboard, rubbing her eyes tiredly. �Where am I?� she moaned.
Georgina paused. �Still in Kansas, Mat,� she said. �How you feeling this morning?�
�Like a load of shite.�
�That�s lovely!� Georgina replied cheerily and she bent to put something in her suitcase.
�What time is it?�
Georgina looked at her watch. �Almost eleven. We�ve got a few hours before we go back to the airport.�
�Oh God. Where are we going now?�
�Back to New York. The lads are going to do a few radio shows, two in-store appearances, and then we catch another flight to Pennsylvania, where they�ll do another radio show and then a live television show where the lads will sing a few songs, and then we catch a late-night flight out to California, I believe.�
Mattie stared at Georgina in shock, then collapsed against her pillows again. �Holy shite! All this in ONE day? Argh!�
Georgina sat on the edge of the bed and patted Mattie�s arm sympathetically. �I know, Mattie. We were actually lucky that today was a later start than usual so you didn�t have to get over early, seeing as you didn�t get much rest last night,� she added meaningfully.
�Errgh,� was Mattie�s reply.
Mattie had come in late last from whatever she had been doing with Mark downstairs. The expression on her face hadn�t been too inviting for questions, so she, Nicky, Kian, Shane, Bryan, and Caitlin had all kept their mouths shut, although they were all dying to know what had happened. In fact, it was taking all the restraint Georgina had not to just burst out with some kind of highly untactful explosion of curiousity. But she managed to hold herself back, and instead gave Mattie a friendly pat on the cheek. �Why don�t you get up and get dressed and head down to the restaurant for a cup of tea? You shouldn�t be cooped up in here until we leave, maybe it will do some good to walk it off?�
Mattie sighed heavily. �I suppose you�re right. And I could really do with a cup of tea.�
Georgina smiled as Mattie threw back the covers and staggered from her bed to the bathroom. Once she was gone, Georgina flew into the hallway where Bryan, Shane, Caitlin and Nicky were all standing in a suspicious huddle. �Well?� Georgina asked as she joined them. �Did you get anything out of him?� All eyes turned to Bryan.
He sighed. �Not a thing. He came into our room last night looking like he�d lost his favorite sheep. I tried to get him to talk, but he just mumbled something incoherent and went to bed. He was already awake when I woke up this morning, believe it or not, but I couldn�t get him to talk then, either. He�s still in the room, just moping around.� Bryan shrugged. �I�ve no idea what went on last night, but frankly, it�s making ME depressed. Obviously there was no forward progress on Operation M&M.� A collective sigh went up and there was quiet for a moment.
The silence was broken when they heard a door slam and Mattie stepped out of her room. She looked suspiciously at her five friends, who were trying their best to look innocent. �What�s going on here?�
�Ohh, nothing,� Nicky said. �Just�ya know�talking about�guy stuff.�
She gave him an odd look. �With G and Cait?�
Nicky�s expression had faltered, he�d forgotten them. �Erm�they give us a womanly perspective.�
Mattie arched an eyebrow. �Right. What are you lot up too?�
�Nothing!� they all said hastily, a little TOO hastily.
She eyed them skeptically. �I don�t know what it is, but you all look a little suspicious here�what�s going on?�
Shane managed a nervous laugh. �Nothing�s going on here, Mattie! Why would you think something�s going on? You must be reading too much Poirot. It must be terrible to be so suspicious.�
Mattie looked at him oddly. �What � �
�Weren�t you planning on going downstairs and having a cup of tea?� Georgina interjected helpfully.
�Well, yes��
There was a chorus of over enthusiastic agreement as they commended the merits of tea, praised the restaurant downstairs and its wide selection of fine teas and urged her to take advantage of the restaurant�s impeccable service. Mattie gave them all another odd look. �What are you all on about? Why are you so eager to get rid of me? You�ve got to be up to something.� She crossed her arms and looked at them expectantly. �Well? I�m waiting.�
�Erm�� Bryan looked at the others for some help, but found none. �Well�so�erm�what happened with you and Mark last night?� Immediately everyone�s head snapped up and Bryan was hit with five death looks. Everyone�s gaze soon switched over to Mattie though, who had gone rather pale.
�Erm�nothing happened,� she mumbled uncomfortably. �I � I think I�m � just going to go get some tea now.� Mattie quickly made a beeline for the lift as if she couldn�t get there fast enough. Once she had got in and was safely gone, Bryan was assailed from all sides.
�Bryan, you complete eejit!� Caitlin exclaimed as she smacked him upside the head. �What the hell was that?!�
�Way to be tactful, Bry,� Shane remarked, shaking his head.
�You�re an arse, McFadden!� Nicky chimed in remorsefully.
�Excuse me, but I got rid of her didn�t I?� Bryan said defensively. �We couldn�t very well plan out the next step of Operation Mark and Mattie with her lurking about in the hall!�
�I suppose you�re right,� Georgina said grudgingly.
�Of course I am!� Bryan nodded. �Now. What are we going to do next? Personally, I haven�t a clue.�
�What, the Love Master has run dry already?� Nicky remarked wryly.
�Don�t get smart Byrne. What have YOU done for Op M&M lately?�
�Alright, alright,� Shane cut in hastily. �Let�s not start on each other. We�ll have plenty of time to discuss this later, but right now, we�ve got to finish packing. We�ve got a flight to catch in a few hours and a heavy schedule ahead of us.�
Immediately, Bryan�s face fell as Shane�s words reminded him of their packed itinerary. �Jaysus, it�s going to be hell today,� he said mournfully.
Caitlin smiled sympathetically and rubbed his back. �Just hang in there Bry, this week is almost over. And next week won�t be nearly as bad, you know that,� she said comfortingly.
Bryan sighed. �Yeah�well I guess we better get back to packing.� Everyone else filtered back into their rooms to do their errands, but Shane stayed in the hallway, reflecting. He was dead curious to know what had gone on last night, and he had this nagging feeling that something had happened between Mark and Mattie that was going to take a while to fix�and it was going to involve even more pain and frustration. Shane sighed heavily. Well�Fate has a way of working itself out, and all he could do was hope that it would work out.
�Would you like something, miss?� She looked up and squinted at a cheery waiter in a pristine quite uniform.
�Could I have a tea please?� The waiter nodded briskly and trotted off to get her tea, and was back almost immediately. Mattie thanked him and slowly sipped at it while she observed her surroundings. There weren�t many people in there just yet as the breakfast had just ended. Just then she noticed the tinkling of music and her eyes searched the room to see where it was coming from. She smiled when she saw Kian messing about at the piano in the corner. Finishing the last of her tea, Mattie paid her tab and went over.
Kian smiled at her as she sat next to him on the bench. �Hey Mattie.�
�Hey Keebs.� Mattie leaned over to give him a peck on the cheek and felt him tense up as she kissed him. She pulled back and looked at him oddly. �What was that?�
Kian smiled sheepishly. �Sorry Mattie. I thought you were going to try to�well, try to snog me.�
�Try to what?!� Mattie sat back and looked at Kian in astonishment. �I mean, don�t get me wrong Ki, you�re a good looking lad and all that, and you know I adore you to bits, but what on earth makes you think I would try to snog you?�
Kian squirmed, blushing brightly. �Well�erm�you know�like last night�.�
Immediately, Mattie�s face turned an alarming shade of grey. �What � what happened last night?� she managed to squeak.
�You don�t remember?� Mattie shook her head slowly. �Well last night, at the club, when you fell on top of me � � At this interval Mattie squeaked again audibly. �Well, you�erm�you told me that I was sexy�dead sexy, in fact�.and�erm�you�kissed me.
Mattie stared blankly at Kian for a long while. �Are you taking the piss?� she asked finally as she gave him a suspicious look.
�What? No, I�m not taking the piss!� Kian said indignantly. �You did kiss me!�
�But I wouldn�t � I couldn�t possibly - � Mattie spluttered. �I mean � how could I have?� She looked helplessly at Kian, who responded by solemnly pretending to knock back a shot. Mattie let out an small cry of horror. �Oh, Kian, was I that drunk? Kian, please tell me you�re joking,� she begged him. The look on his face said otherwise. Mattie�s face was now several shades of red. She banged her head down on the piano in mortification, the dissonant sound of the keys causing several restaurant-goers to give them curious looks. �Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God,� Mattie moaned over and over.
�Mattie, stop!� Kian whispered. �People are staring�wow, your ears are getting pretty red there.�
She sat back up and buried her face in Kian�s shoulder. �I�m too humiliated to look at anyone. I can�t believe what a bloody arse I was,� Mattie said mournfully. �I want to die. Right now would be preferable. And I�m going anywhere near anything that resembles alcohol again.�
�Aw now Mat, it wasn�t that bad,� Kian said as he put his arm about Mattie and rubbed her arm. He kissed her comfortingly on top of her head. �We�ve all had our moments. Remember that time Greg O�Malley had his sixteenth birthday party and his older brother bought a load drinks and we all got completely pissed? And you and I decided it would be a laugh to revive the 70s and we ended up dancing on top of the O�Malley kitchen table singing �I Will Survive�? And then I decided to get really mad and stripped down to my boxers and did a Kissogram for you in front of everybody?� Another moan from Mattie. �And then you went around telling all the blokes that you were in love with them? You even told Ellen Kierney that you were in love with her, but I don�t blame you, since after a few drinks she does start looking a bit masculine. Haha, Mark and I were pissing ourselves laughing.� Kian chuckled in fond reminiscence. He pointed at her. �And then you ended up snogging Jeff McClanahan! Haha! Remember that? Ah, that was a laugh. The sham always did fancy you. That was a great party, come to think of it�one of the best,� he remarked thoughtfully. Kian�s reminiscent expression turned into a sheepish one when he noticed that Mattie was giving him the Look of Death. �Sorry.�
Mattie sighed heavily but managed a weak smile. �Well Ki, what�s done is done. I apologise for being such an arse last night. How about we just�forget it ever happened?� she asked hopefully.
Kian pretended to think. �Well I don�t know�I rather enjoyed it!� He grinned at her cheekily. �And by the way, I am highly insulted that you don�t even remember snogging me, Kian Egan, the most desired man in all of Ireland.�
Mattie pinched his side. �You�re a right caffler, Egan.� (that means eejit! Haha, gotta love the Everyday English And Slang In Ireland website :P).
�Alright, alright, it�s forgotten,� Kian agreed. �We�ll never speak of it again.� They did a �pinky swear� to seal their agreement. Mattie smiled at him, relieved. �So how is the hangover anyway?� he asked her.
Mattie groaned. �Don�t remind me. I feel like there are little elves (get it? elves? hahaha! okay I�ll shut up now) inside my head beating on the walls of my skull with their wretched little elfin fists. The little bastards.�
Kian grinned that �Kian� grin (y�alls know what I am talking about). �Anything I can do to help?�
�Not unless you have some kind of elf exterminator.�
�Nope, sorry,� he answered smiling. �I can play you a song if you want?� Kian suggested as he ran his hands lightly over the keys.
�That would be lovely,� Mattie smiled.
�What would you like?�
Mattie thought. �Oh I don�t know, just anything. Something pretty.� Kian reached to place his hands on the keys. �And if you play �Everything I Do� I�ll beat you senseless.� Mattie laughed when Kian withdrew his hands from the keys, a disappointed expression on his face. �Kian, really! You�ve got to give it up, it doesn�t work anymore! Now tell me, when was the last time you got a girl playing that song?�
Kian squinched up his face in thought. �I think I was twelve.�
�You see? Just let it go Ki,� Mattie laughed. �You�ve got to know something else!�
Kian thought for a moment. �I�ve got one.� He placed his fingers on the keys again and began to play a beautiful, haunting melody that was unfamiliar to Mattie. She closed her eyes, letting the music wash around her, fill her senses.
�That�s beautiful, Kian,� she said softly. �Does it have words?�
Kian nodded. �You want me to sing it?�
�If you would?�
�Alright then.� Kian stopped the song and began playing it again in his key.
Mattie closed her eyes again, listening to each note as Kian�s fingers hit the keys, striking the first chords. She smiled when he began to sing, she had always loved Kian�s voice, soft and mellow.
�Cannot touch
Mattie stiffened as the lyrics began to register inside her head.
�Cannot love
�Must be strong
Each word hit her like an arrow, piercing straight into her head, into her heart.
�How can I not love you
Mattie clenched her hands tightly, as if to steel herself against the words.
�How does one waltz away
Kian kept on playing, oblivious to what he was doing to her. Every word he sang, reminded her of what she had lost by falling in love � and that was everything. It seemed as if her whole world had crumbled, and she had never even told him � and never would. And that hurt, more than anything else. Mattie couldn�t stop the tears from trickling down her face.
While he played, Kian turned his head to look at her when he noticed that she was crying. Suddenly, he realized the significance of what he had been playing and stopped abruptly. His arms immediately went around Mattie and pulled her close in a comforting embrace as she cried into his shoulder. �Oh God, I�m so sorry Mattie, I didn�t realise,� he apologized. �I wasn�t even thinking, please don�t cry, I�m so sorry.� Kian stroked her hair gently as he held her close, silently cursing himself for being so thoughtless.
Mattie pulled back and looked at him through her tears. �Why are you apologising?� she asked him as she wiped her cheeks.
�Because�because�� Kian trailed off. Shit, he thought. You�ve got yourself into a fix now, Egan.
Mattie studied his face carefully. �You know, don�t you?� she asked him softly.
Kian relaxed his shoulders and looked her straight in the eye. �Yes, I know.� Mattie bit her lip and looked away, but Kian put his finger on her chin and turned her back to look at him. �Mattie. Don�t give up�he loves you.�
Mattie looked back at him, fear and uncertainty etched in her eyes. She shook her head slowly. �No�you don�t know.� She stood up shakily and walked away from Kian, who remained sitting helpless at the piano. He didn�t know.
**********************
�Oh Jesus.�
************************************
Mattie walked into the restaurant and sat down heavily at a small table. She rubbed her temples, trying to ease the pounding of her head.
Cannot hold
Cannot be together�
Cannot kiss
Cannot have each other
And I must let go
Cannot say
What my heart must know�
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you
Here in my arms�
From all of the memories
How do I not miss you
When you are gone��