“Oh dear LORD!” Georgina cried as she flopped facedown on her bed, her yell muffled by the pillow. Mattie laughed wearily as she sank down in a soft armchair and settled into it with a tired sigh. “How do they do this ALL THE TIME?” It was the third day into the Midwestern tour and the signs of stress were beginning to make themselves known. They were hitting city after city, non-stop, across who knew how many states already. They were in Kansas at the moment, it was ten in the evening and everyone had been up since four in the morning. The lads had several interviews and photoshoots that morning, a performance, and then it was on a plane flight to yet another state for even more performances and meet and greets. It had been nonstop work for the lads since the beginning of the week, and the girls had followed them faithfully, opting to go to each function to support their boys instead of mucking about in the hotels being idle and unproductive. And truth be told, the lads were glad for the presence of Georgina, Mattie, and Caitlin. Along with Anto and the rest of their road crew, they managed to help maintain a sense of order and stability for which they were grateful. Under pressure like this, it was easy to crack, but the girls tried their hardest to give as much support as possible, which was rather taxing in itself, as Mattie, Caitlin and Georgina returned to the hotels every night almost as exhausted as the lads themselves.
Mattie sighed and rubbed her eyes. “I have no idea how they do it, but I don’t know if I could take another week after this!”
Georgina rolled over on her back and closed her eyes. “Well, I don’t think it’s like this all the time, it’s only hectic cos they’re trying to break the States. But after this week is over, we’ll be off to glorious California….sunshine, beaches, the whole bit.”
Mattie smiled dreamily, imagining California in the summertime. “I can’t wait for that.”
“And the good thing is, Anto says that once we get to California, the schedule will be a lot less chaotic. The lads will only be splitting their time between San Diego and Los Angeles,” Georgina continued, her eyes still closed.
“Really? Thank God!” Mattie sighed, rubbing her temples. “I think we could all use a break. I’ve been a bit worried about the lads since we’ve started in the Midwest.”
“I know, me too,” Georgina said in a troubled tone. “I know we should trust that they know what they’re doing and how to handle things…but I’ve got a bit of a nagging feeling that they should be looking after themselves better. But who am I to say?”
Mattie bit her lip. “Well, it’s just a few more days of this anyway. They’ll have plenty of time to rest up in California.”
“Yeah….” Georgina still sounded unsure, and Mattie herself was feeling a bit uneasy. It really had been a pounding week in regard to performing and making appearances, and the week was far from over. Tomorrow they would have to fly all the way back to Pennsylvania on the East Coast and film a live appearance before heading back to the Midwest to hit some more dates. All in all, the week was looking pretty grim.
There was a silver lining to this however, in Mattie’s opinion anyways. The frantic schedule left few moments of idle time for anyone, and Mattie was relieved of that. She thought she had been doing an admirable job of keeping things normal between her and Mark, but it helped that he was often too busy to be with her. That made things a little easier for Mattie. Even so, every day was still an effort to get by. She would get up, drag herself through the day, trying to act as if nothing had changed, like her heart wasn’t in pieces, when inside, she was slowly trying to gather the bits of her emotions and put them back together. It was much harder than she had imagined, but Mattie forced herself to do it. It was the only way. Those dreams and those hopes that she had cherished only a few days before had been merely foolish notions, she could see that now. It hurt to admit it, to admit how thick and naïve she had really been. Mattie had always prided herself on her sensibility, and to know that she had given into the imprudence and impracticality of her feelings just because she believed there might be some small chance…it stung that pride. But she had to be brave, to save herself, and her own sanity, as well as a treasured friendship.
That was the hardest part. Working so hard to save something that could have been so much more. It was harder at night. During the day, there were enough distractions, things to keep her busy and her mind off of Mark, if only for a little while. But at night, everything would close in on her, and Mattie would be enveloped in a veil of loneliness that she couldn’t escape. Everytime she closed her eyes, she could see his face and could almost feel his touch…but then, she would be pulled back into reality, the reality of being alone. Mattie sighed wearily. She had to keep reminding herself that it wouldn’t be long until she was home again. That was the only thought that sustained her and kept her from losing it. Soon, she wouldn’t have to deal with this anymore and things would get back to normal, they way it had been before. For now, she would just have to wait it out. It was hard and it was painful, but it was something Mattie knew she had to do.
Just then, the door to the room swung open and Caitlin all but crawled into the room before collapsing on the floor. Georgina laughed. “You alright, Caitlin?” she asked.
“Mmmtrrd,” she mumbled.
“What?” Georgina asked, still laughing.
“I’m tiiiiiiired!” Caitlin complained. “Being a popstar is really hard work, you know!”
Mattie laughed at that. “I’m sure you know all about it,” she remarked.
“I do!” Caitlin insisted. “You know, when I started out, I thought it was going to be all glamour and big parties, but now I know what hard work this business really is!” Caitlin shook her head wisely. “It’s work work work, all the time, and management is always on your back, and you’ve got to be nice to all the fans…I don’t know if I can take much more of this!” she exclaimed dramatically, adding a whimper for effect.
“You poor baby,” Mattie said in feigned sympathy.
“Oh, go ahead and laugh, you!” Caitlin returned indignantly. “You will never know what it is really like to be an world famous superstar!” She wagged her finger at Mattie in warning as the other two girls erupted in laughter. Caitlin sighed a regretful sigh. “No one appreciates me.” Just then, the door opened again, and Mark stuck his head into the room.
“What’s so funny?” he asked, an odd look creasing his brow as he glanced at Caitlin sprawled across the hotel room floor.
“Oh, it’s just the trials and tribulations of Caitlin Shaw, international popstar,” Mattie said, still laughing. Mark smiled and stepped into the room. Immediately, Georgina stood up.
“I think I’m going to go see what Nicky and Kian are up to,” she declared as she edged her way over to the door. Georgina gave Caitlin a nudge with her foot on the way.
“Oh!” Caitlin got up and dusted herself off. “Erm, I think I better go and make sure that Shane isn’t going through my things. My bags are unattended in our room, you see, and there are things in there that aren’t meant for a lad’s eyes, you know what I’m saying? I think I’ll just – ” Her words were cut off as Georgina dragged her out the door and slammed it behind them, leaving Mattie and Mark alone in the room.
Mark stood awkwardly in the middle of the room before finally deciding to sit on the window seat. He gestured to Mattie to come over. She got up hesitantly from her chair, but then went over to sit across from him on the seat. She still couldn’t bring herself to look at him directly, so she leaned the side of her head against the cool glass and looked out the window at the clear night sky of Kansas. Mattie touched her fingers to the window pane, as if trying to touch the stars outside.
“It’s pretty here, in Kansas, isn’t it?” she said softly. “It’s so quiet and peaceful…it reminds me of Sligo a bit.”
Mark didn’t answer. His eyes were fixed on Mattie’s wistful features as she gazed outside. The moon shined pale on her face, casting a luminescent glow around her. She looked…almost magical. He couldn’t resist reaching out and taking her slender hand in his.
At the warm touch of Mark’s hand, Mattie took her eyes away from the window and looked at him, the first time she had really looked at him since – since that day. Mattie’s shoulders dropped and she exhaled sadly. He looked so tired, so worn and exhausted…he looked like he barely had the strength to stand up…and she hadn’t even noticed until now. Mattie’s eyes filled with tears and she reached out her free hand, willing for it not to tremble. She touched his face timidly, letting her fingers graze lightly over his skin. Mark closed his eyes as her cool hand touched his cheek. Mattie reached up further and ran her fingers through his soft dark hair, smoothing it out. She bit her lip as she noticed the bags under his eyes and gingerly touched the dark circles that indicated how well he had been sleeping.
Mark opened his eyes to see Mattie looking at him, a forlorn expression on her face. She looked tired and her expression a bit regretful, but even so, she was still beautiful to him. Sometimes it seemed to Mark that no other woman in the world could hold a candle to Mattie. She was beautiful in so many ways, in every way. Everytime he looked at her he’d be filled with a sense of overwhelming pride. He was proud of Mattie for everything she was - for the girl that she used to be, for the woman that she had become, for all the things that she would ever be…and he was proud that he had the privilege of knowing her. Mark found it funny that even though they had shared everything together, she still seemed to be a mystery. Perhaps it was all just a part of being a woman. Mark studied Mattie’s face carefully, wondering what lay behind those familiar, yet inscrutable eyes of hers. He wondered what put that almost indiscernible despondency in her expression.
“Why do you look like that?” he said softly, as his grip tightened on her hand.
“Look like what?” Mattie asked.
“Sad…you look sad,” Mark replied.
“Do I?” she said, turning her head. Mattie could feel her face growing warm, and she knew her cheeks were flushed pink. Mark reached out and took her chin gently in his hand, turning her face back towards him. Mattie tried to resist at first, but then let herself look at him again. She smiled weakly, the regretful expression not leaving her face. “I don’t know…no reason really. It’s been a busy day. I guess I’m a bit tired…” Mattie trailed off, hoping that he would buy her explanation.
Mark’s blue eyes clouded with concern and he studied her for a long while. “Was it stupid of me to ask you to come?” he asked regretfully. “I’m sorry Mattie, I must not have been thinking when I asked you…I just wanted you with me so badly. It was selfish of me, I’m sorry if you’re not having any fun.”
“No, don’t say that,” Mattie said, shaking her head. She reached out and took one of his hands in both of hers. “It’s alright really, I didn’t mean – ” Mattie stopped. Mark looked at her curiously. “It’s okay Mark, I’m having fun, I really am.”
He gave her a searching look. “Really? You don’t have to say that if you don’t mean it, if you want to go home – ”
“No,” she replied gently, squeezing his hand. “I want to be with you – I mean, I want to be here for you,” Mattie corrected herself quickly.
Mark smiled at that, a smile that lit up his whole face…a smile that made her heart ache. “God, I am so glad to hear you say that,” he told her in a relieved voice. “If you weren’t here, if you left – I think I’d fall apart.”
Mattie smiled weakly at him. “Well, I do what I can,” she said, forcing herself to sound lighthearted.
Mark smilied again, then leaned over to pull her into his arms. Mattie hugged him back, then turned herself around so that they were both facing in the same direction and her back was against Mark’s chest. His arms circled around her waist and Mark pulled her closer to him, resting his chin on top of her head. He cocked his head to the side when he noticed her feet, which were laying between his. “Nice socks,” he remarked. Mattie smiled and wiggled her toes, which were attired in thick white socks scattered all over with the Westlife logo.
“Bryan sent them to me for my last birthday,” she said proudly. “He said he had them made especially for me. I’ve got another pair actually, and on each place where a toe is supposed to be, there is a head shot of each of you lads from the front cover of your album! You know, the blue faces? I thought those were dead wicked. Sadly, I left that pair at home. I’m rather distressed about that, because I like the head-shot socks better than these logo socks, because I always thought Nicky looked quite dashing on the cover of that album,” Mattie finished regretfully. “But then again, I accidently washed those socks with a red shirt of mine, and so now those are a pink color and your faces are now an odd shade of lavender. I hope Bryan can get me another pair.”
Mark shook his head and laughed. “Is THAT the reason that you gave him the t-shirt with your face silk screened on it for his birthday?” he asked incredulously.
Mattie smiled, obviously quite proud of herself. “I had to outdo him somehow,” she said innocently. “Didn’t you like it?”
“Man, Bryan wore that thing every day for a week after he got the package from you!” Mark exclaimed. “It was so embarrassing!”
“Excuse me?” Mattie retorted, trying to hide a smile. “You thought it was embarrassing?”
“Well erm…” Mark stammered. “You looked lovely on the shirt, of course Mat…but wouldn’t you think it would be odd if you saw some bloke going around wearing a t-shirt with a girl’s face emblazoned on it?”
Mattie smiled. “Did he really wear it for a week?”
“A solid week. Didn’t even bother washing it.”
Mattie wrinkled her nose at that and laughed again. “That’s sweet.”
“Sweet’s not the word. You weren’t there to smell him.” Mattie turned her head around to look at Mark and they both broke out into laughter. There was an extra ring to Mattie’s laugh, she felt like a weight was being lifted off her shoulders, if only a little bit. It was like they were normal again, like things had never changed, and it felt so good. For the first time in what seemed like forever, she felt happy…almost carefree. Mattie looked up at Mark and gave him a genuine, happy smile.
Mark caught his breath at the blissful expression that seemed to make her whole face glow. My God, this woman is beautiful, he thought for the second time that night. He reached up and gently smoothed a few locks of hair away from Mattie’s face before looking deep into her clear blue eyes which seemed to be lighted from within. The crystal clarity of them was bewitching, and he couldn’t take his eyes off her face.
Mattie’s smile faded from her face when she saw the way Mark was looking at her. All at once, her heart started to beat faster and she could feel her face getting warmer. Oh God no, she thought in a panic. Not now. Mattie wanted desperately to look away but found that she couldn’t. Mark licked his lips then and that movement all but rendered her helpless and she let out a shaky sigh as she could feel herself tremble inside. Mattie clenched her hands, resisting the urge to take Mark’s face in her hands and kiss him right then and there.
At the same time, Mark was fighting a similar battle. Sitting there in the moonlight with Mattie in his arms, the way she was looking at him with a mixture of uncertainty and longing in her eyes, the way she was biting her lower lip…it was driving him out of his mind. He wanted so badly to kiss her, but was struggling against the consequences of what would happen if he did. After all, wasn’t it he who had been the one to say that they shouldn’t give into what they were feeling, because it might not be real? Mark was seriously questioning the logistics of that decision right about now. He looked at Mattie, looked into her eyes, trying to find the answer, to figure out what he should do. The confusion and frustration he saw there mirrored his own, but there was something else…Mark searched deeper into Mattie’s eyes…and that’s when he realized it. She wanted this just as much as he did. That realization took his breath away, and the decision was made. Damn it all, he was going to do it. Mark closed his eyes then and leaned in.
“No, don’t!” Mattie gasped as she pushed herself away from him.
Mark’s eyes flew open as he felt himself being pushed back, and he stared at Mattie in shock. The two of them sat frozen, neither of them able to say or do anything. Mattie could feel her heart still pounding wildly inside her chest and she clenched her fists again to keep her hands from trembling. She drew in a long shaky breath before finally pulling away from Mark and standing up, leaving him sitting dumbfounded on the window seat. Mattie turned her back to Mark and squeezed her eyes shut as she ran a hand up her face and through her hair in a frustrated gesture. Damn it, this was killing her. Why did he have to look at her like that, to hold her like that, why now? Why now, when she was just beginning to feel that they actually had a chance at being normal again? It seemed as if every time she thought she was moving forward, one gentle, sweet touch, a simple glance from his deep blue eyes, and would send her a million steps back. Mattie cursed herself for being so weak, that she was so susceptible to Mark that a single touch from him could bring her crashing down. She shivered and wrapped her arms around herself, suddenly feeling very cold.
“Mattie?” Mark’s soft voice broke into her thoughts. The sound of it, the sound of the confusion mixed with the uncertainty in his voice brought tears to her eyes and she fought to keep them back.
“I guess we got a little carried away there, didn’t we?” Mattie said, trying to keep her voice light. She forced a short laugh for effect.
Mark didn’t say anything more. He couldn’t. He was still trying to recover himself from what had almost happened. His heart was still pounding, he was still tingling from the mere touch of her. They had been so close he could almost taste her. Mark stared at Mattie’s form as she stood with her back to him. What was it about her? It seemed that lately, all he could think about was Mattie. The way talked, the way she smiled, the way she laughed and walked and carried herself…the way a shiver ran down his spine at the simple thought of touching her. He remembered earlier that afternoon, before their performance at the fair he had gone looking for her, and found her with Caitlin and Georgina amidst a group of Westlife fans that had come, and judging from the bursts of laughter that would sporadically erupt, he had no doubt that Mattie and the girls were regaling the fans with embarrassing stories about the unfortunate Westlifers. He had stood back and just observed her, reflecting on what an amazing woman she had grown into. Mark had chuckled over her ability to get on with a group of complete strangers as he watched her talk so animatedly, her hands moving enthusiastically as she conversed. He smiled at the way her hair shined in the light, and the adorable way she would reach up to push away wisps that would escape from her ponytail and he admired the way her skin glowed in the warmth of the afternoon sun. The simplicity of her beauty took his breath away. It was then that he realized, maybe really for the first time, that she wasn’t a little girl anymore, and she was no longer just his childhood comrade he had shared everything with. She was still the same Mattie, but so different at the same time. There were a million little things about her that he had never bothered to notice before that stood out in his mind now. All her little habits and mannerisms suddenly seemed so adorable and endearing. And there was a new mystery about her that puzzled as well as intrigued Mark. He didn’t know what it was, or why it was suddenly there…but he wanted to.
“Mattie…” Mark began hesitantly. When she didn’t answer, he got up slowly from where he was sitting. Mark walked to where she was and stood behind her for an uncertain moment before putting his hand gently on her shoulder. “Mattie, I think we should – ”
She stepped away from him at his touch. Mark drew his hand back, a hurt expression on his face. Mattie sighed and then turned around to face him finally.
“Mark,” she started. “I – I think it’s just best that we forget that happened.”
“What happened?” he asked her knowingly.
Mattie looked at him with a pained expression. “Don’t do that. Please, Mark.”
He looked down. “Sorry.” A loud, uncomfortable silence hung in the air. Mattie twisted her hands anxiously as she waited for him to say something else. Finally, Mark lifted his head and crossed the short distance so that he was standing directly in front of her. This time, it was Mattie’s turn to look away. She looked around the room, trying desperately to find anything that would distract her from the nearness of him, but Mark reached up and gently turned Mattie’s head back to face him. He searched deep into her eyes, so deep that Mattie felt she was getting lost in the blue depths of his own. He caressed her cheek softly with his thumb, the gentle touch making her shiver. “Do you really want to forget what just happened?” Mark asked in a low whisper. “Is that what you really want?”
All she could do was nod, and that alone took every ounce of her willpower. But her mind was screaming no. She didn’t want to forget. She wanted to take that feeling that had just almost swept them both away and go with it as far as it would take them. She wanted to be in his arms, she wanted to feel his touch and taste his lips. But still, she nodded.
Mark’s eyes dimmed a bit and he finally stepped away from her. “Alright then,” he said slowly. “I guess I should go…” When Mattie didn’t say anything, Mark turned and left the room, shutting the door behind him quietly. Mattie was left standing alone in the middle of the room. Trying to collect herself, she sat down on her bed.
“What does he want from me?” Mattie asked herself, her hopelessly confused whisper lost in the silent emptiness of the room.
“Hey, look here!” she exclaimed, showing Shane the menu. “It’s says that you can have a masseuse come up to the room for a private massage without having to go downstairs to the spa!”
“Really?” Shane answered, intrigued. He leaned over to take a look and then let out a little yelp. “Cait, that’s a hundred and fifty dollars!”
“Well, you’re a popstar! I’m sure you can shell out a bit of cash for a little rest and relaxation for two, eh?” she asked, nudging him. She laughed when Shane gave her a stern look. “Well then, how about you and I split the cost, and then I can have him for half the time, and you can have him for the other half!”
Shane raised an eyebrow. “Him? Why can’t it be a her?”
“Well, then that’s no fun for me,” Caitlin replied in prentended confusion.
“No Caitlin, no massages for you!” he said, wagging his spoon at her severely.
“Fine then! I didn’t want a massage anyway!” she said huffily, before turning back to peruse the menu. Shane chuckled at her while he continued to pick at the bowl of melting ice cream. He stirred his spoon around in the hot fudge, a pensive expression on his face. Shane was deep in thought, reflecting on the whole Mark and Mattie situation. To him, it seemed to be running rather smoothly. Shane had seen the way Mark was looking at Mattie this afternoon, when he had found her with the fans. He was looking at Mattie not in the way a friend looks at another friend, but in the way a man looks at a woman. There was no doubt in Shane’s mind that they were meant to be together, and that perhaps Mark was beginning to realize that himself. He couldn’t be more pleased with the turn of events. It might be just the beginning, but from the way things were going, it looked like everything was headed in the right direction.
Just then, Caitlin became aware that Shane had been silent for a while. She put down her menu and looked him. Shane was smiling to himself, lost in his own thoughts. “What are you smiling at?” she asked curiously.
At that, Shane was pulled from his reverie. “Just thinking about Mark and Mattie,” he told her.
Caitlin smiled too. “It really looks like things are going our way, doesn’t it?” she remarked.
“It sure does. Did you see the way he was looking at her this afternoon?” Caitlin nodded, still smiling. “That was definitely a look of love. I guess all our hard work paid off.” Shane leaned back in his chair and gave Caitlin a proud grin.
“Whoa there partner, we’re not quite there yet,” Caitlin said in a warning tone. “We can’t let our guard down, we can’t give up until they are firmly and completely together.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” he agreed. “With those two, who knows what’s going to happen next?”
Caitlin nodded absently. “I hope…” she trailed off, lost in thought.
“You hope what?” Shane asked curiously.
Caitlin gave him a troubled glance. “I hope no one gets hurt,” she said softly. “That’s the most important thing we have to worry about.”
“What makes you think that will happen?” Shane asked.
She shook her head slowly. “I don’t know…I just have this feeling…” Caitlin looked at Shane. “I don’t think this is all going to be smooth sailing.”
“Why not?” Shane was surprised. Out of everyone, he’d have thought that Caitlin would be the last one to have doubts about all this. “What makes you think someone will get hurt?” Shane studied Caitlin’s face seriously when she didn’t answer. “Caitlin? What’s wrong?”
She sighed. “It’s just that – I’ve seen Mattie hurting over Mark…and it was awful, Shane. I don’t want that to happen again, I don’t want to see her hurt.”
Shane’s brow furrowed. “How do you mean, ‘it was awful’? What happened? When was this?”
Caitlin sighed again and looked up at the ceiling. “Shane, do you remember when you left with Westside to support Boyzone on their tour?” He nodded. “I know you don’t know this…and I’m sure Mark doesn’t…but when he left, it was like Mattie’s world fell apart. She barely slept or ate, she stayed in her room all the time – it was like she wasn’t even the same person anymore. When people asked after her, she just played it off or excused it. But when her marks in school started to slip, we all knew something was definitely up. When people even mentioned his name you could see her face dim. Sometimes it seemed like the only thing that got her through were the phone calls that came every day from Mark. It was the only time she would act like herself again. But when she wasn’t talking to him…it was like the life just left her.”
Shane stared at Caitlin as she spoke, his hazel eyes wide. “I can’t believe this…I had no idea…”
Caitlin smiled regretfully at him. “You weren’t there to see it. It was so painful for all of us, her friends, the Feehilys, her family, especially her dad, to watch her slip away from us. She never told us what was wrong with her, but we all knew. This went on for weeks while you were away, and it had us all scared stiff that Mattie would just go on being this way and ending up making herself sick.”
“Oh God…” Shane whispered incredulously. He shook his head. “I always thought Mattie was so strong…I never dreamed that it affected her the way you say.”
“She was in love, Shane,” Caitling responded. “Love does funny things to a person.”
He heaved a big sigh. “Poor Mattie.” Shane looked at Caitlin. “What made her start acting normal again? Obviously something must have happened to snap her out of it.”
Caitlin nodded. “It was Mark’s mum actually. Of course, she knew full well what was going on, and she called Mark up about it.” Seeing Shane’s shocked face, she hurried to reassure him. “Oh, don’t worry, she didn’t give anything away. She was too aware to do anything like that, bless her. But she told him that Mattie hadn’t been getting along so well since he’d gone. She didn’t go into the full details, just told him she’d been moping around and the like. He could understand that of course, he missed her as well.” Shane nodded, remembering how much Mark had missed Mattie while they were on the Boyzone tour. He rang her faithfully at least once a day, and was always writing letters and picking up souvenirs for her at every stop. Caitlin continued on. “When you lads came home for that short break, he took her out and they had a long talk, about everything. Mattie never told me what he said to her, to this day I still don’t know, but whatever he did, I’m thankful for it, because almost immediately, she was the same Mattie again. Like nothing had ever changed.”
Shane sat back in his chair, trying to digest all the information he had just heard. It didn’t seem possible that someone like Mattie, someone as strong and independent and hard headed could seem so despairing and helpless. It pained him to think of how much she must have been hurting then. And Mark, damn him, had still never had a clue. His best friend had been despairing, her life turned upside down, and he never suspected. But Shane had to admit that it wasn’t entirely Mark’s fault, he had no doubt that Mattie had disguised her real feelings flawlessly. Someone needed to give that girl an Academy Award, she sure as hell deserved one. Shane shook his head, wondering how two people could both be so stupid and foolish.
“So do you see Shane?” Caitlin’s voice broke into his thoughts. “You do see why we have to be extra careful, don’t you?”
He nodded emphatically. “Yeah. But don’t worry, they’re meant to be together. Things will work themselves out, and soon we’ll only have to be worrying about keeping them off each other, eh?” Shane joked with a half-hearted smile.
Caitlin nodded and smiled for Shane’s benefit. She just wished she could shake off the uneasy feeling that she had inside. For some reason, she suspected that there was about to be a tempestuous journey ahead, for everyone.
She was busy reflecting on this, when there was a knock at the door. Shane got up to open it, and Bryan came into the room.
“Hey guys,” he greeted them.
“Hey, Bry, what’s up?” Shane asked.
“Well, I just wanted to ask the both of you if you feel like going out tonight,” Bryan said.
“Out where?” Caitlin asked.
“I called the front dest and they say there’s a club in town, it’s supposed to be pretty good. Anto says we can go since we don’t have to be anywhere until one tomorrow.”
Shane nodded. “That sounds good to me. It feels like it’s been ages since the last time we went out and just relaxed.”
“Who else is coming?” Caitlin wanted to know.
“So far, everyone except Mark,” Bryan replied. “He was getting ready for bed when I asked him, said he just wanted to stay in tonight and rest.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to do the same?” Caitlin asked concernedly. So far, this week had been leaving them all drained, but out of all the lads, it was Bryan that she was most worried about. He had lost some weight and his energy level had depleted considerably. At that moment, he looked pale and tired, like the last thing he should be doing was going out to a club and partying. But he shook his head emphatically.
“No way,” he said. “I can’t stand another night being cooped up in a hotel, I need to get out and have some fun for once. Are you two coming? We’ve got two taxis on the way.”
“Yeah, sure, I’d love it,” Caitlin said.
“Okay then!” Bryan said with a pleased smile. “You get dressed then, and we’ll all meet downstairs in ten minutes.” With that, he turned around and left the room.
“Finally, a night out!” Caitlin exclaimed when he had gone. She went over to her suitcase and started rummaging around in it for the perfect clubbing outfit. “I’ve been here for almost a week, and not a party have I seen. You must be the most boring popstars ever!”
Shane laughed. “Well Cait my dear, tonight you are going to see just how hard us popstars can party.”
“Now you’re talking!”
“Alright, I’m ready to go party!” he announced, grinning. “Let’s go!”
They all started towards the exit when he stopped. Everyone turned around to look at Bryan, who was standing there with a confused expression on his face.
“What is it Bry?” Georgina asked curiously.
“I have a feeling I’m forgetting something…” he said. Then he smacked his forehead. “I’ve forgotten my wallet!” Bryan sighed. “I’m such a deutz, I’ll have to go back upstairs and get it.”
“Do you want me to get it for you?” Mattie offered, noticing the tired expression on his face.
Bryan gave her an thankful look. “That’d be great Mattie, thanks love,” he said.
“No problem Bry,” she said smiling.
Bryan handed her his room key. “The wallet is…erm…well, it’s somewhere in my suitcase,” he told her sheepishly. Everyone else groaned and Mattie laughed.
“Oh, don’t you lot worry, I’ll find it and be back soon and we’ll be out of here before you know it.” With that, she took off towards the elevator and pressed the button for their floor. Soon, the lift opened and she got out, heading down the hall to Bryan and Mark’s room.
Mattie opened the door quietly and stepped into the room, closing the door gently behind her. She smiled when she saw that the room was dark except for the light coming from the tv. Mattie walked over to the set and turned down the volume. She knelt down on the floor and zipped opened Bryan’s suitcase, and rummaged around in it, trying to find his wallet. Mattie felt around, but couldn’t feel anything that resembled a wallet and the light was dim. She got up to turn on the small table lamp and made sure to dim it so that the light wouldn’t wake Mark up. She bent again beside the suitcase and began pulling things out, looking for the wallet. When her fingers picked up a familiar looking sweater, she stared at it, puzzled. A look of understanding crossed her face when she realized that she was looking through Mark’s suitcase, not Bryan’s. She began to put back the articles of clothing. Mattie picked up a shirt and moved to place it back in the valise when an envelope fell from it and its contents spilled out. She gathered them up quickly and was about to put them back in the envelope when she realized that they were pictures. Her curiosity got the better of her and she began to sift through them slowly, looking at each one.
The first few pictures were of family. There was one of the whole family at Marie and Oliver Feehily’s fifteen year anniversary celebration, and one of Mark, Barry, Colin and Mr. Feehily at a football match. Mattie smiled at the picture of a six year old Colin riding atop Freddie the donkey with a smiling Mark holding him up, and another of Barry riding one of the horses. Mattie laughed a little, looking at the pictures of the boys. She touched the photographs fondly, suddenly realizing how much she missed everyone back home. She missed playing football with Colin and helping Barry with his math homework and helping Mrs. Feehily prepare dinner and gardening with Mr. Feehily and her own dad. Mattie sighed, a wave of homesickness overcoming her. She didn’t know how on earth Mark dealt with being away from home so often. But maybe that’s what these pictures were for.
The next picture made Mattie smile. It was a picture of her and Mark at around five years of age, on their first day of primary school. Mattie was wearing a light blue dress with a little navy blue coat and hat, while Mark was dressed in very smart looking slacks and a green sweater. They both had on their book bags and were carrying their lunch sacks. Mattie laughed softly, remembering that first day of school. When they found out they hadn’t been put in the same class, they had both staunchly refused to set foot in the school, but then were carried in screaming and kicking by their parents, and they both continued to cry hysterically for hours after until neither of their teachers could take anymore and Mark had been sent across the hall to Mattie’s classroom where there was space. They had remained in the same class for years after until they were forced to go their separate ways academically, with Mark having to go to Summer Hill and Mattie attending St. Mary’s, the all girl sister school to Summer Hill.
Mattie continued looking at each photograph, treasuring every one. Another smile lighted her face when she came across a picture of the Feehilys and her own family on the occasion of Barry’s baptism. Her mum and dad had been Barry’s godparents and they had all taken a picture after the ceremony. Barry, less than a month old at the time, was being held by Mattie’s mother, and he had on a long flowing white traditional baptismal gown. Herself and Mark were standing in front of Mr. O’Shaughnessy. Mattie’s face was scrunched up at the camera while Mark was trying to touch his own tongue to the tip of his nose. Mattie laughed at the next picture, which must have been taken just a few moments later. Her dad had grabbed the back of her and Mark’s necks and while their faces where twisted in annoyance, Mattie’s father was still beaming proudly at the camera as the other adults laughed. Mattie turned to the next picture. It was a photograph of an eight-year-old Mark and Mark’s best friend Rowen on the day of their First Communion. They were standing outside the church side by side, in their pristine white suits, their rosaries and prayer books clasped in their hands, which were in a praying position, and their eyes turned up angelically to the sky. And they were both wearing veils. Mattie laughed as she remembered how Mark and Ro had convinced her and Caitlin to give up their veils because they thought it would be funny to take a picture like that. Mark was wearing Mattie’s flower crowned veil and Rowen had on Caitlin’s veil, which was adorned with clusters of teardrop pearls. Mattie and Caitlin were standing off to the side, laughing hysterically in their own lacy white dresses.
She turned to the next picture, which had all four of them standing in a row, with their arms around each other and smiling brightly at the camera. Mattie and Caitlin had taken back their veils, and at the insistence of all their parents, the four of them were posing for a decent picture for once. A nostalgic look crossed Mattie’s face as she touched the picture fondly. She, Rowen, Mark and Caitlin had always been inseparable, all their lives. Mattie sighed, remembering all the good times they used to have as kids. Why couldn’t things have stayed simple, Mattie wondered. Now she was off living her life in Dublin at university. Rowen was studying medicine at the national university in Co. Cork, hoping to someday become a doctor. Mattie could hardly remember the last time she had seen him. Caitlin was studying in Sligo, working towards her degree in accountancy and dreaming of someday joining or even owning her own international business corporation. She had always been a whiz at maths and ambitious to boot. The three of them were all hoping and dreaming, working towards fulfilling what they wanted out of life. And Mark…Mark was already living his dream, every day. They were all so proud of him. Mattie gave one more wistful look at their innocent, happy faces before looking at the next picture. What she saw made tears fill her eyes.
It was a picture of her and Mark at the lake at Hazelwoods. They must have been only three or four years old. The two of them were standing at the edge of the water and holding hands, their backs turned toward the camera, looking out at the water. She and Mark were in perfectly clear focus, while the rest of the background was a bit blurry. Mattie had never before seen this picture, and it took her breath away. It was absolutely beautiful. It seemed to capture everything that was innocent and precious about their friendship together. A tear slipped down Mattie’s cheek and she wiped it away gently. She drew in a shaky breath, and then slowly, she put the pictures back into the envelope, remembering what she had come up for in the first place. After putting Mark’s things back in his suitcase, she found Bryan’s and got his wallet. Mattie stood up to leave, but her eyes fell on Mark’s sleeping figure on the bed.
She walked over to him slowly and gingerly sat down on the bed. For a long while, she just stared at him, watching his chest rise up and down rhythmically as he breathed. Mattie could feel the ache inside her heart slowly grow as she bent over Mark, gazing at his face wistfully. As she watched him sleep, Mattie couldn’t resist touching him. She reached out and smoothed his downy brown hair gently, marveling at the feel of its softness. Her fingers lightly made their way down to his face, and Mattie caressed his smooth pale skin with a gentle, loving touch. God, he was so beautiful. A tear slipped down Mattie’s cheek, landing on Mark’s own. She bit her lip and softly wiped it away. Mattie closed her eyes tightly, trying to keep the rest of the tears at bay. It didn’t work. They started to come, one after the other, until soon, she was sobbing quietly. Mattie pressed a hand to her heart, hoping that somehow the act would hold back the hurt, but the pain of being near him, of loving him – it was too much for one person to endure. Mattie lifted Mark’s hand and pressed it against her damp cheek. She almost wanted him to wake up. She wanted him to hold her and comfort her and try his best to make this hurt and this despair go away – but she knew that couldn’t happen. Drawing in a shaky breath, Mattie took Mark’s hand, now wet with her tears, away from her face and kissed it tenderly before putting it back down. She reached out and touched his face just one more time. She touched her finger to his full lips, gazing longingly at his face. On impulse, without even fully knowing what she was doing, Mattie’s head began to lean down toward Mark’s. She hesitated a little when her face was a hair’s breadth away from Mark’s own, but then she bent her head and softly touched her lips to his. She kissed him tenderly and then pulled back a little, her desolate eyes fixed on his handsome face.
“I love you.” The words came out in a soft, broken whisper against his lips. Slowly, Mattie sat back up. She waited a bit, trying to collect herself before standing up on shaky legs. Mattie made her way slowly towards the door, closing it quietly behind her. She walked a few steps before her legs felt as if they would give out and she leaned her back against the wall for support. Slowly, Mattie sank down until she was sitting on the floor, and buried her face in her hands as she began to cry in earnest. Her heart was aching, and the pain was almost more than she could bear. Mattie pressed a shaking hand to her mouth, in an attempt to hold back a sob. Why me…and of all the people in the world…why did it have to be him?, she asked herself despairingly. This hurt too much, she didn’t think she could take this kind of pain. It felt as if though she were dying inside - but no, dying had to be easier than living with this agony. The agony of loving Mark, yet not having the freedom to tell him that he was the one thing that gave any meaning to her life. The constant hurt of having to pretend that she cared nothing more for him than as the boy she had grown up with, all the while praying that someday he would look at her as more than the girl he had grown up with. She couldn’t tell him that she wanted him to look at her in the way a man looks at a woman. “This isn’t fair,” Mattie whispered to herself through her quiet, broken sobs. Why did it have to be Mark? It was a cruel world. It had been so easy for her to find love…she had only to look at Mark to see it. But to have that love…it was a struggle she would never win.
This couldn’t go on. She couldn’t do this to herself, day after agonizing day. Mattie had tried to convince herself that she could somehow manage it, but that was merely a flight of fancy. It seemed naïve now to believe that she had thought she could actually go on and pretend that being around Mark, trying to act as if nothing had chaged between them, wasn’t killing her. I can’t do this anymore, Mattie thought desperately. It was about time she realized that. Mattie took a deep, shaky breath and slowly, stood up again. A resolutely determined look entered her eye and she could feel her spirit hardening. This was going to change, and it was going to change tonight. She couldn’t go on another day like this, she refused to put herself through another day of pain. It was time to put this all behind her, and she knew what she had to do.
Mattie dried her tears quickly and touched her face. She took a mirror out of her purse and studied her reflection. “Shit,” she muttered. She looked like hell. Mattie took out her makeup and began trying to make herself look more presentable, and make it look like she hadn’t been sobbing her heart out for the past five minutes. They were probably wondering what she was doing right about now.
When Mattie finished, she gave herself one more glance in the mirror. She had done a good job. Her eyes were still red, but that couldn’t be helped now. She put the mirror back in her bag and headed towards the elevator. When she got to the lobby, she quickly handed Bryan his wallet.
“Here it is,” she said, trying to avoid looking at him. “Can we go now?”
“Thanks, Mattie,” he replied. Bryan stared at her downcast face in puzzlement. “Is something wrong, Mat?”
“No, nothing’s wrong. In fact, everything is quite grand,” she responded abruptly. “Come on, let’s go.” Mattie headed out towards the front entrance, knowing that everyone behind her was staring at her in bewilderment. She didn’t care. Tonight was the beginning of a new Mattie. She wasn’t going to be the lovesick puppy anymore, that would all change tonight. It was time. It was time to move on.
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Meanwhile, Shane and Caitlin were sitting in their room making the most of the room service they had ordered up. Caitlin scooped up a spoonful of ice cream from the banana split they were sharing and put it absently in her mouth as she studied the “Guest Services” menu.
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A few minutes later, most of them, minus Mark, were gathered around in the lobby. They were all waiting around for Bryan, when he came running up.