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Mattie awoke the next morning to the sounds of birds chirping in the trees outside. She stretched luxuriously and sighed, while reaching over to the nightstand to see what time it was. As she groped around for her watch, her fingers touched a sheet of paper. Mattie picked it up and skimmed it.
�Dear Mattie, I�ve gone out with the boys to their morning and afternoon performances. Shane told me not to wake you and to let you sleep cos you were out late with Mark last night. Be sure to pack up for the flight to Orlando today around four o� clock (Anto says it�s going to be a shuttle flight, lasting only fifteen minutes, thank God). The lads are giving a show tonight in Orlando at some place called Pleasure Island. The show starts at eight, and apparently the performance is going to be at some kind of dance club, so be sure to dress to par-tay, girl! We�ll be back around two or three. Hugs and kisses, G.
Mattie put down the note and rubbed her eyes. What time was it? She reached over and grabbed her watch. It was eleven in the morning, and she guessed everyone else must have woken up at about six. Mattie threw back the covers and got out of bed, heading straight for the bathroom where she quickly washed up. When she was done in there, she changed out of her pajamas into a pair of light colored khaki shorts and a short sleeved blue shirt.
�Well now what?� she said to herself. �All dressed up and nowhere to go.� Mattie shrugged and began to gather her things that were laying around the room, putting them away in her suitcases. That was done soon enough and once again she had nothing to do. So she opened up one of her bags and rooted through it, looking for something to amuse herself with. Mattie came upon several of the books she had brought along to occupy herself. She furrowed her brow, trying to decide on which one to read until finally settling on her old copy of Sense and Sensibility and curled up on the window seat to read.
Within minutes Mattie was completely engrossed in the story. Although she had read it a hundred times, it never seemed to get old to her. She knew the characters like they were her family. There was Elinor, the dutiful, sensible, stoic older sister that knew her place and not her own feelings. And then there was Marianne, the impulsive, reckless and ever optimistic younger sister whose dreams of romance and adventure always took priority over what she was expected to do. Mattie had always identified with Marianne herself. Although Marianne was brash and heedless, she followed her heart, and she lived her life. Elinor, on the other hand, was a character Mattie had always had trouble comprehending. She�d always wondered why Elinor had held back her love for Edward when it was clear that he must have loved her back. If Edward hadn�t come back to her, if he hadn�t told her that he loved her and wanted to marry her, she would no doubt have lived the rest of her life without him, sacrificing her whole life�s happiness for the sake of duty and decorum. Marianne wouldn�t have done that. If it had been her in Elinor�s shoes, she would have told Edward she loved him the moment she realized it. She wouldn�t have waited for him to come to her. Mattie shuddered when she realized what would have happened if Edward had never come back to Elinor and had instead married Lucy. They would�ve had to live the rest of their lives without each other, neither one of them ever being truly happy. It almost seemed incomprehensible, really, how Elinor placed what she thought was her duty above her own happiness, how she refused to admit to herself what was in her heart, how she fought her feelings every step of the way �
�Oh my God�� Mattie whispered in shock, a cold feeling spreading through her body. The book slipped from her hands and onto the floor as the realization hit her with full force. �I�m Elinor.� She pressed her hands to her mouth and sat in shock as the thought sank in. It was true. She wasn�t Marianne. As much as she identified herself with Marianne, it was Elinor�s course of action that she was mirroring. The way Elinor kept her feelings inside, the way she fought so hard to keep the love out so that she could avoid the heartache�she was doing it all. Mattie sat motionless for several moments, unable to do anything at all as her mind grasped the reality of the truth of what she had just realized. She was doing it all. Mattie thought back to what had happened last night. Why had she walked away from Mark when he had wanted to talk about what was happening between them? Why had she tried so hard to push him away? What would he have said to her? What would she have said to him? The endless questions of this new revelation were overwhelming her. What would have happened�if she had only listened? If she had only waited to hear what he wanted to say to her? Mattie squeezed her eyes shut. Her thoughts were fighting each other again. She drew in a deep breath, trying desperately to clear her mind. With shaking hands, she picked her book up from off the floor, and clutched it to her chest, trying to collect herself.
Mattie stood up and began to pace around the room confusedly. �What do I do, what do I do?� she whispered to herself over and over. Mattie sighed in frustration and pushed her hair back in an impatient gesture before glancing down again at the book in her hands. She sat down on her bed, staring at the cover like it was going to come alive and bite her. She gingerly opened the book and began to flip through the pages, the words going by in a blur. She had read this book so many times, it was a part of her. And she knew too well the events that had transpired within these worn pages. Her heart contracted painfully when she remembered the hurt, and the heartache Elinor had forced herself to live through for so long, never being able to admit to anyone her true feelings�all because she had convinced herself to believe that Edward didn�t care, that he didn�t want her.
Tears pricked at Mattie�s eyes as she recalled the events of the past few days. She remembered the way he had looked at her, into her eyes, the way he had touched her�she remembered it all. And yet she had tried so hard to convince herself that it didn�t mean anything. But why? Mattie racked her mind for reasons and it didn�t take her long to come up with one. She�d been scared. Scared of giving in to what she had fought for so long, scared of losing the person that meant the world to her�so afraid of getting hurt. Mattie didn�t know what was worse, the thought of getting hurt or the pain of having to keep it all inside. She stared down at the book in her hands once more, a gaze so hard and intense it could have burned a hole through the cover. Suddenly, Mattie stood up, a new fire of determination in her eyes.
�Not me,� she declared vehemently as she tossed the book back inside her suitcase. She wasn�t going to hold back anymore. She wasn�t going to be anything like Elinor. Mattie had no idea what she was going to do but she knew that if things were going to happen, this time she wouldn�t be the one to stop it.
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