“Having a good time Bryan?” Mattie shouted over the music.

“Fantastic! Why don’t you guys come out to the floor and quit hanging around here like a bunch of wet rags!” He held out his hand to Mattie, who took it. “You’ll come and dance with me, right girl?”

She got up from her seat. “Aren’t you worried that if girls see you with me they won’t want to approach you?” she asked as she waved goodbye to Mark and Shane.

“Are you kidding? Birds love guys who are taken. They can’t keep their hands off ‘em! Which means they won’t be able to keep their hands off me!”

Mattie laughed and rolled her eyes as Bryan led her out to the dance floor. “Well, whatever I can do to help.”

She and Bryan went into the crowd and started to dance. Immediately, Mattie started to laugh at Bryan’s antics. Bryan’s rule of life was to never take anything seriously, and apparently, that applied to his dancing as well. At the moment he was flailing his arms and legs around in a ridiculously haphazard manner, causing Mattie to go into spasms of laughter so that she could hardly dance.

“Bryan, dance normally for god’s sake!” she shouted, still laughing. “You’re embarrassing me!”

“You know you like it!” he replied grinning. Mattie shrieked with laughter when he started to do the Running Man.

“Stop! Stop!” she protested weakly, holding her stomach. “I’ve got to get away before people think I’m with you,” Mattie laughed. “And I think I need water,” she gasped. With that she abandoned Bryan on the dance floor and went to the bar. He didn’t seem to notice she had left. At the moment, he was occupied with trying to do the “Hammer” move, holding on to an ankle while he hopped around with a hand placed behind his head. Mattie shook her head and groaned. She hoped he wouldn’t hurt himself.

“Could I just have a glass of ice water?” she asked the bartender. He nodded and turned around to get one for her. Mattie sat on a stool and waited for her water.

“Well, well, look who’s here.”

Mattie knew that voice. She turned around slowly on her barstool.

“Peter!” she exclaimed. Mattie hopped off of her stool and gave him a hug. “It’s good to see you!”

Peter laughed. “That’s a nice greeting. I’ve missed you. I thought you had gone back to Sligo a week ago!”

“It’s a long story,” she told him smiling. “But, in short, I’m going on tour with Westlife for the next three weeks.”

His eyes widened. “Are you kidding? That’s incredible!” Peter laughed. “I remember when you first told me that you knew Westlife and I thought you were trying to put one over on me.”

Mattie waggled a finger at him. “You see that? People never believe me.”

“Are they here right now?”

“Yes! Come on, I’ll introduce you,” she said, grabbing his hand.

“Wait! I don’t know how to act around big popstars!”

Mattie rolled her eyes impatiently. “All guys are the same. You are no different from they are, trust me. They burp, they’re rude, they scratch inappropriate places in public. Believe me, you’ll fit right in.”

“Ah, I’ve missed that endearing wit of yours,” Peter said playfully pinching her cheek. She led him over to the table where Shane and Mark were still sitting. When she came over, they looked up and her and Peter in surprise.

“Shane, Mark, I want you to meet Peter Donnelly, a good friend of mine,” she introduced. He stuck out his hand and shook with both Mark and Shane.

“Peter Donnelly…” Shane said trying to remember. “Didn’t you two-”

“Yes,” Mattie answered hastily. She didn’t want Shane to mention the connection that the two of them had had. It would have made things too uncomfortable. Shane got the hint and dropped the subject.

“So…” Peter looked slightly uncomfortable. “Mattie’s told me a lot about you guys. Especially you, Mark.”

Mark gave him a suspicious look and grunted a reply. Mattie groaned inwardly. She could tell that Peter was a bit nervous and uneasy and Mark wasn’t making it any easier on him. Of all times to get into one of his moods! He never did find it easy to talk to people he didn’t know. What Mattie didn’t notice was that Mark was too busy staring at the way Peter was holding Mattie’s hand as if he were insulted that this guy was even touching her.

Finally, Peter couldn’t take it anymore. “Um, I’m gonna go out to the dance floor. You wanna dance Mattie?” She only hesitated for a moment before following him out to the floor.

“Bye Peter, it was nice meeting you,” Shane said in a friendly voice as they walked away.

“Yeah, nice meeting you too Shane,” Peter replied. He looked at Mark and hesitated. “Nice meeting you as well Mark,” he said finally. The only response he got was another grunt from Mark’s direction.

He looked at Mattie who shrugged. “Come on, let’s go dance.”

“He’s your best friend?” Peter hissed as they made their way toward the floor.

Mattie grimaced. “Well, he’s not like that once you get to know him…” As they began to dance, she noticed Bryan standing nearby with a cluster of other people. She tapped him o the shoulder and he turned around. “Bryan! I want you to meet a friend of mine! This is Peter!”

“Nice to meet you Peter!” Bryan yelled back over the noise. “Hey, have you guys seen this?” Peter and Mattie both peered around him where someone was break dancing in the middle of the circle. “I gotta learn how to do that,” he said in an awed voice.

Mattie and Peter both laughed and she patted him on the back. “Keep on trying, hun.” Meanwhile, back at the table, Nicky and Georgina had decided to take a break from dancing and join Shane and Mark for a few drinks.

“Who’s that bloke Mattie’s with?” Nicky asked nodding in her direction.

“That’s Mattie’s boyfriend,” Shane said, hoping to elicit at least some kind of reaction from Mark. It worked.

“Ex-boyfriend,” he corrected vehemently. Georgina raised an eyebrow. “And they didn’t even go out for that long anyway.” Just then Bryan and Kian emerged from the crowd and joined the rest at the table.

Kian noticed Mark’s seething expression. “Something bothering you Feehily?”

“What’s wrong with everybody? Nothing’s the matter alright?” Mark narrowed his eyes at Peter, who, in his opinion, was dancing a little too closely to Mattie for his taste. “I don’t like the way he’s touching her.”

Bryan turned to look at the two of them. “Well she sure doesn’t seem to mind it,” he remarked. Mark shot him a dirty look.

“It’s a fast song, he shouldn’t even be that close to her.” The others exchanged knowing glances.

Hmm…I think we could have a little fun with this Bryan thought mischievously.

“You know, Mattie introduced us when we were out on the floor, and he seems like a top sort of lad. Real smooth, ya know?”

“And cute,” Georgina chimed in, catching on.

“And he must be smart, considering he goes to Trinity with her,” Kian said.

“He’s every girl’s dream,” Georgina offered helpfully.

Nicky gave her a sardonic look. “Oh really?” She elbowed him in the ribs.

Shane shook his head smiling. In a minute, Mark would explode and he didn’t want to be there ti see it. “Well, I don’t know about you but I’m sick of moping around at the table. I’m going out there are partying my arse off.”

“Sounds like fun,” Kian said getting up also. Bryan also decided to give up on Mark and headed with the other two lads out to the dance floor. Nicky and Georgina followed suit, leaving Mark simmering at the table alone, watching Mattie and Peter. Just then, “Forever” by Mariah Carey came on and he watched as Peter pulled Mattie even closer to dance.

Great, now this song is ruined for me he thought bitterly. He felt a twinge in his stomach as she looked up at him, smiling adoringly. When Peter reached up to gently brush a stray hair off of Mattie’s face, he felt he couldn’t take it anymore. He stood up and went to the private bar, which was in a smaller room that adjoined the larger dance room.

He sat down at one of the stools on the bar. “Just a beer,” Mark told the bartender when he came over. He put his elbows on the bar and began to rub his temples tiredly. For some reason, he still couldn’t get the picture of Mattie and that Peter guy out of his head. What’s the matter with me? he thought silently. He didn’t understand why he reacting this way to Peter. Mattie was a big girl, and she could keep company with whomever she pleased. The thing was, he couldn’t figure out what it was that he didn’t like about this Peter person. He seemed to be a decent enough bloke. Obviously he was. Mattie would never go out with someone who wasn’t.

Mark sighed and took a swallow of the drink that the bartender handed him. He forced the matter out of his mind. Didn’t matter anyway. After all, she had broken up with him. There was nothing between them anymore. But Mark still couldn’t help feeling uneasy, and he had a feeling that it had nothing to do with Peter.

Meanwhile, Mattie and Peter were still dancing, and since the song was slow and the music toned down as a result, they had been talking and catching up with each other. They had broken up a few weeks before school had let out, and she had secretly avoided him for those past few weeks. Mattie had almost forgotten how well they got on together. When she saw him, there was no awkwardness at all, like they had never even been apart. Peter always did have a way to put people at ease.

They had been laughing over a joke when Mattie caught sight of Nicky and Georgina danging together closely. Their heads were bent together and they looked like they were sharing some precious secret with each other.

Peter craned his head to see what had caught Mattie’s attention and smiled also. “They’re good together, aren’t they?”

Nicky leaned in to whisper something into Georgina’s ear, who smiled and pulled him close for a kiss. “They’re so adorable it’s almost detestable.” Mattie looked wistfully at the happy couple. “It’s when I see couples like that I am definitely reaffirmed that there’s someone out there for everyone, and the only thing left to do is…to find him.”

Peter pulled back to look down at Mattie’s face tenderly. She looked so beautiful and felt so good there in his arms. “Mattie…” he said softly.

Something in his tone made Mattie stiffen. She tried to look away, but Peter gently took her chin and turned her face back towards his.

“I’ve missed you,” he said simply.

“You’ve-you’ve already said that.”

“I know. But it’s true. I haven’t stopped thinking about you, ever, Mattie. I miss talking to you, just being with you.”

“Peter, I don’t-”

“Wait, let me finish Mattie,” he interrupted. “Ever since we broke up, all I could do was sit around and wonder ‘why’? And I couldn’t come up with a reason. I know that when you decided we shouldn’t see each other anymore, you said that we just weren’t right together, but Mattie, we are right together. Even you have to admit that. When we’re together, it’s just like the world is ours and nothing else matters.”

“Peter, maybe that’s how you feel but-”

Peter held up his hand. “No, I don’t want to hear any more empty excuses that you don’t even believe yourself. Mattie…I care about you so much. I want to be with you again Mattie. Don’t you see?” He gestured to where Nicky and Georgina were dancing. “That could be us. I want that to be us. Don’t you?”

Mattie stared at him. He was right. They were so right for each other. He was everything she should want. Her mind screamed at her to say yes, but her heart was holding back, and she couldn’t understand why. But it was on the tip of her tongue to look into his eyes and say ‘yes’. At that moment, Mattie noticed that Peter’s face had gotten considerably closer to hers. His head was leaning down ever so slowly, and instintively, she began to lift her chin. Suddenly, Mark’s face flashed into her mind and she jerked back. Tears came to her eyes as she stared at Peter’s surprised face.

“I’m sorry,” she choked out as the tears began to fall freely from her cheeks. She held back a sob as she watched his expression turn from shock to hurt. “I’m so sorry.” Mattie began to back away slowly from him. All at once, she turned and began to run.

“Mattie, wait!” she heard him call, but she kept on going anyway.

Shane’s head went up when he heard that. He turned to see Mattie running away from Peter and stopping by the table only a moment to grab her jacket before heading towards the door.

“I’m so sorry, will you excuse me? I’ve got to go,” he said to the girl he had been dancing with before he rushed after Mattie. He caught up with her out in the street.

“Where are you going?” For the first time he noticed her tear-streaked face. “Mattie, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

“I’m going back home,” she sniffled, ignoring his last two questions.

“Home? How?”

“Walking.”

“Back to Sligo?

“No! To Georgina’s house.”

“Are you kidding? That’s like six miles away!”

“I don’t care.”

“Then I’m coming with you,” he insisted.

“No, you don’t have to do that Shane. I’m fine. I can take care of myself.”

“I have no doubt about that, but I still wouldn’t be a gentleman if I let you wander around the streets of Dublin on your own at night.”

Mattie blew air out of her lips. “Fine then. Do what you like.”

He ignored her irritated tone. “Let’s just go back inside and tell the others that we’re leaving.”

“No. I’m not going back in there. I’ll just stay out here.”

Shane studied her carefully. “You promise you won’t run off?”

“I promise.”

“Okay. But you better be here when I get back out.” With that, Shane went back into the club. The dance music had started up again, but it didn’t take long for him to find Bryan. “Hey mate,” he began. “Mattie’s not feeling so well, so I’m taking her back to your house, alright?” Bryan’s home was closer, less than a mile away from the club.

“Okay,” Bryan nodded. “What’s wrong? Is she okay?” Shane shook his head. “I have no idea. See you at the house.” He went over to the table and grabbed his own jacket quickly before heading back outside. Sure enough, Mattie was still standing there. “Come on, let’s go,” he said gently. They began to walk in the brisk night air. Mattie was silent, and Shane didn’t dare say anything that might make her snap. Instead, he just walked next to her without uttering a sound. Once in a while he would steal a glance toward her. Something was definitely wrong, he could see that every few minutes her eyes would well up with tears and she would have to fight to keep them back. By the time they got to Bryan’s house, however, she had stopped trying and the tears were now slipping silently down her cheeks.

Mattie didn’t say anything until Shane gently guided her in the gate to Bryan’s house. She looked up, surprised that they had arrived at Georgina’s house so quickly, when she realized that that wasn’t where they were.

“Why are we at Bryan’s house?” she asked finally, breaking the silence.

“It’s closer,” Shane said simply. “We can talk here. Georgina and the lads are coming by here after clubbing anyway.” He led her to the porch steps where they both sat down.

“So what’s wrong, Mattie? What’s happened?” Shane asked bluntly.

Mattie sighed and rubbed the back of her neck with one hand in a tired gesture. “He wanted…he wanted us to get back together,” she said finally. Shane wisely said nothing, waiting for her to continue. “He told me that he missed me, and that when we’re together, nothing else matters, and that we’re so right for each other…and Shane, he was so sweet and lovely, and for a minute, I thought I just might say yes…” she paused, trying to keep the tremor out of her voice. “But then all I could see was his face.”

“Whose face?”

“His. Mark’s.” Shane leaned back in understanding. Mattie put her head in her hands. “What the hell is wrong with me Shane? Why can’t I just let go?” A hint of anger had crept into her voice. “Here I am, with this perfect man in front of me, telling me he cares about me and wants to be with me…and – and all I can think of is the one person that I can’t be with. And that scares me Shane. It scares me so much. I’m petrified to think of what might happen if I never get over these feelings for him. If I have to go through life only wanting to be with one person and him not wanting to be with me.”

“So why don’t you tell him?” Shane said simply. “Then you’ll know for sure.”

Mattie gave a short laugh. “You make it sound so easy. Like there’s no pain or hurt or fear involved at all.”

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear,” Shane quoted smiling. “First John, 4:16.”

Mattie rubbed her eyes. “What is it with you and Bible quotes?”

“If you get to quote Shakespeare, I get to quote God.”

Mattie smiled at him. But her smile quickly faded when she remembered what they had been talking about in the first place.

Shane noticed her expression. “Mattie,” he began gently. He stopped, thinking carefully about what he would say next. “You know our song, ‘Can’t Lose What You Never Had’?”

“That’s a stupid song.”

Shane laughed. “You only think it’s stupid because you’re in the situation. At least, I hope that’s the only reason you think it’s stupid.” His expression became serious. “But maybe you should listen to the lyrics Mattie. It might help you decide what you want to do.”

“I know what I have to do. And that’s to keep quiet. With any luck , this will all just fade away.”

Shane shook his head. “Somehow I doubt that. You can’t just go on keeping this inside of you. It’s just going to end up hurting everyone, including you. You want to be strong, and take what you think is the easiest way out, but you will get hurt, more so than you are hurting now. It’s only going to get worse, I can promise you that.” He looked at Mattie’s dull expression. “Can’t lose what you never had,” he said softly.”

Mattie looked up at that. “You think I have nothing to lose if I tell him, Shane? Is that what you really think? Well let me put you straight. I have everything to lose. Don't you understand? Everything! If I tell him, he’ll never speak to me again, I know he won’t. He’s that kind of person. If I lose him, I’ll lose everything that’s important to me, and that means more than some childhood crush.”

“You think this is all this is?” Shane asked incredulously. “A crush?” He was beginning to get angry himself. “If you think that what you feel for him is only a crush, then you don’t know anything about anything. What you feel for him is love, pure and simple. Don’t bother tossing your head at me like that. I know what I’m talking about, okay? Listen, I know you as well as I know Mark and I know that you two belong together. God knows that I don’t understand why you insist on being so stubborn. Sometimes I just-” Shane stopped, unable to articulate his words. “Sometimes I just think that maybe I’ll just tell him myself!” he said suddenly, rising to his feet in a sudden burst of anger and frustration.

Mattie looked up in a panic. “Please, no Shane,” she gasped, pulling him back down. “Please. You promised you wouldn’t, you swore to me that you would never say anything. You can't tell him Shane," Mattie begged him. "If you tell him, it’ll ruin everything. "You can't - Shane, please - I - I - I don't - I can't..." She held to Shane's arms with trembling fingers. Please, Shane."

He took one look in her eyes, filled with fear and pain, and let out a frustrated breath. “Fine. I won’t say anything. I promise. Again.”

“Thank you,” Mattie said softly. Just then, Nicky’s car and Georgina’s pulled up in the driveway. “Oh god, I can’t let them see me like this,” she said putting a hand to her tear streaked face. “I’m going into the house to freshen up a little, tell them I’ll be out in a second. With that, she let herself into the house just as the others were coming up the walk.

“Hey Shane,” they greeted him.

“Where’s Mattie?” Georgina asked curiously.

“She’s in the house, she’ll be out in a second.” As if on cue, Mattie stepped out the doors.

“Hey guys,” she said brightly. No hint that anything had gone wrong was registered on her face. Shane marveled at how well she could hide her feelings. But then, she had had years of practice.

Nicky yawned. “We should get on home now,” he said in a tired voice. “I’m already knackered and we’ve got interviews to do tomorrow.” They rest of them sleepily agreed. Kian went with Nicky to his car, while Mattie went with Georgina to hers. Bryan, Shane, and Mark waved as the two cars backed out of the driveway and sped off.

Bryan promptly went inside the house, leaving Mark and Shane still outside. Mark was looking at his friend, curiosity burning inside.

“So what happened to Mattie?” he blurted out finally. “Why’d you guys leave before us?”

Shane barely hesistated before answering. “Peter wanted to get back together with her.”

Mark stiffened at Shane’s answer. “What did she say?” he asked, trying his best to sound nonchalant and disinterested.

“She said no.”

Mark’s shoulders dropped with relief and he let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. She had said no. “How come?” he asked now, in a more casual tone. “He seemed like a decent enough bloke. Maybe they could have had something.”

Shane stared at Mark. “Well, sometimes some people don’t know what they have right in front of their faces.” With that, he went into the house and closed the door behind him.

*******************************************************

Georgina and Mattie had chatted normally on the car ride home, and Mattie was relieved that Georgina hadn’t brought up the fact that she and Shane had left early, had only asked her if she were feeling better.

Georgina was silent now, though, as the two were getting ready for bed. Every so often she would open her mouth like she wanted to say something, but then would decide against it. Finally, she spoke.

“So what’s going on between you and Mark?”

Mattie gasped and dropped her hairbrush which rolled under the bed. “What do you mean?” Mattie asked, her voice muffled as she got down on all fours and tried to retrieve it. She was glad that Georgina couldn’t see her face at that moment. She was sure she was blushing furiously.

“I mean…” Georgina paused, choosing her words are carefully as she could. “What kind of a relationship do you two have, exactly?”

Mattie grabbed her brush and sat back on one of the twin double beds in the room. “We’re friends. We’ve been friends for a while.”

“How long?”

“Pretty much since we came out of the womb.”

“And you never been…more than that?”

“No!” Georgina looked at her in surprise. “I mean, no,” she said lowering her voice. “Only friends. He’s my best friend. Or one of them anyway,” she said, thinking of Caitlin back home.

“That’s nice to have a friend like that, that you’ve known for so long,” Georgina said as she climbed into her bed.

“Yeah,” Mattie agreed. “It’s nice.”

“Well, goodnight Mattie,” she said as she clicked off the lamp that stood on the night table that separated the two beds.

“Good night,” Mattie replied softly. Within minutes Georgina’s breathing became deep and even, already in a deep slumber. But although Mattie was tired, it was a long time before she got to sleep that night.

Chapter 12

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