I was still sitting in the same place I had been since I got home. I was watching the darkness set in over the city. We had always loved looking out this window. It was a huge picture window in the bedroom, our bedroom. I moved my gaze from the window to the object in my lap. Going through this box was the hardest thing I had ever had to do, although it brought the memories of the past five years back to me. Photographs and letters, among other things, gave me a window to the past. Once again, the haunting notes signaling the beginning of our song filled the room. It had been on repeat for a while now. I couldn�t bear to let it stop playing. As the song began to play, I lost myself in the memories.

**Flashback**

~�I�ll be your dream; I�ll be your wish; I�ll be your
fantasy
�I�ll be your hope; I�ll be your love; be everything
that you need
�I�ll love you more with every breath
�Truly madly deeply do
�I will be strong, I will be faithful
�cause I�m counting on�
�new beginnings, a reason for living,
�a deeper meaning�~

I could hear thunder in the distance but still I walked along the edge of the water. This was my thinking spot. Even with the slight drizzle of rain falling, I let myself sink to the sand. I needed to clear my head. On one hand, I had what every girl my age wanted. High school had just ended and I had two scholarships waiting for me at home. One was to the school my parents wanted me to go to; the other was my dream college. It was for a prestigious dancing school in London and I knew that�s where I wanted to be.

I was so confused. I had always done what my parents thought was best. Always been their little girl. Deep in my heart though, this time I knew I couldn�t be their little girl. I had to be me. I brought my knees up to my chest and rested my head on them. I tried to clear my mind of my decision, with thoughts of my friends and the time we all spent together. Thought of graduation and the parties. Here it was, the middle of summer and I was missing school, missing my friends.

The one thing I didn�t miss was relationships. Throughout high school, I had a couple. They didn�t work out, never lasted longer than a couple months. I must have lost myself in thought around that time because the next thing I remember is an extra loud boom of thunder. It was then that the rain began to fall. I stood up and started running back to my family�s summer home. I don�t remember exactly what happened next, but I remember colliding with someone. We both ended up on the ground and when I looked up, I found myself staring into the bluest eyes I had ever seen.

The summer passed. Mark and I found each other that rainy night and we spent the first few nights after our chance meeting getting to know each other. He was a singer and was in the middle of a tour of the States. He was in California for only a few days and we spent as much time as we could together. Even though it had been only a short time, I knew that a bond had formed between the two of us. I told him everything about me that I could, about my dilemma. About wanting more out of this life than what my parents wanted. He told me of his life on the road, of his homesickness. He talked constantly about his family in Ireland and how he couldn�t wait to see them again.

It was our few nights together that endeared him to me. His soft spoken way, his innocent charm. It was that small time together made the confusion in my mind grow stronger. It was the night before he left that I finally accepted the truth. I was in love with him.

�Mark, did you ever look at the stars? I mean really watch them?� We were sitting on the beach, holding each other. I knew that tomorrow he would be gone and yet another case of summer love would be ending. Inside my heart, I had hoped it would have been more than just a seasonal romance.

�Des, I�ll write you and call all the time. Believe me you�ll get sick of me. Ask the lads how I am with me mobile phone.� His eyes were shining and I was trying to put everything about him inside my memory. His eyes, his voice, just the feeling of being with him. I knew it then, as we said our goodbyes, as we held each other, I knew. This was not going to be a goodbye; this was far from the end. I knew that night that Mark was my soul mate.

**end flashback**

present time

I could feel the tears making paths down my face. The memories were tearing me up inside. I held up the first sheet of paper from the stack in the box. His writing was right there in black and white. I recognized the letter immediately; it was the first he had ever written me. Somehow while traveling the world, he made the time for me. He was my guiding force throughout the rough decisions I made. I traced my finger lightly across the words on the paper and began to read. Destiny,
Hey love.� I�m not exactly sure what to write, as I
just got off the phone with you.� I�m warning you now;
I�m not the best at writing things down so if this
little note is silly, I apologize now��

The note went on to tell details of what was going on in Ireland, as the lads went back home for a while. That was the first of many many notes and late night phone calls. Somehow the two of us managed to keep our long distance relationship going and finally I got the phone call I had been waiting for. **flashback**

~�and when the starts are shining brightly in the
velvet sky
�I�ll make a wish, send it to heaven then make you
want to cry
�the tears of joy for all the pleasure in this
certainty
�that we�re surrounded by the comfort and protection
of
...the highest powers
�in lonely hours
�the tears devour you�~

As soon as I walked out of the dorm, my mobile began to ring. �Ahh, Des, let it ring. It�s our night to party tonight!!� My roommate winked at me as I lifted the phone out of my purse. The familiar number flashed across the screen. It had been a little over a year since we met, but Mark and I were going strong. I had seen him a couple of times since last summer, but never long enough to count. �Ooh, is it Markie?� Laughing I stuck my tongue out at her. �Don�t call him that, he hates that.� She rolled her eyes at me and began walking away. �Just don�t talk to long to lover boy. Remember, we�re having a girls night out.�

�Hello?�

�Hey love. I miss you.�

I smiled at the sound of his voice. �Hey Mark. I miss you too. How are things?� As we talked, I sighed wanting so much to be in his arms even if only for one night. Cari-anne, my roommate, was always telling me what a hopeless romantic I was, but I couldn�t help it. I must have lost myself in my own little world when I heard the tail end of what Mark was saying. ��London in the next few days. Well, what do you think?� I could hear the happiness in his voice and cursed myself for getting wrapped up in my own thoughts.

�Well, i�uh�� I couldn�t think of what to say when the realization of his words, or what I had heard, hit me. �Wait, Mark? Did you just say you guys were coming here? To London? You mean, I�ll be able to see you? When?�

It all came out in one long sentence and I could hear light laughter on the other end. �Somebody wasn�t paying me full attention. Maybe I shouldn�t tell you now.�

�Mark Michael Patrick Feehily, you had better tell me right now�� We were both laughing now and spent the next few seconds calming down.

He told me then that the lads had some promotional work for Westlife�s newest single in London and he would be here for over a week. I took it all in that I would be seeing him again in only a few days. Those days passed me by slower than any in my whole life. I couldn�t concentrate on anything. My schoolwork and my dancing suffered while I waited for the day I would see Mark again. Even Cari-anne became impatient with me. Finally the day came.

**end flashback**

present time

I held the picture that Cari-anne had taken of the two of us the exact moment we embraced each other. It was in the airport, in front of everybody that we hugged until we were both numb. It had felt so wonderful being that close to him again. I could still remember the way he felt, the way he smelled, and the way his voice sounded. We spent that whole week and a half with each other as much as we possibly could. The week ended all to quickly for the two of us and he was off again. Days passed, weeks passed and it was months until I saw him again.

There were many times when I wondered if our long distance relationship was worth it. I would question it when different guys asked me out here and there on campus. Much to Cari-anne�s dismay, I never took them up on any offers. I was always faithful to Mark, no matter how far away he was. Deep down, I knew that I didn�t want any of the other guys. It was Mark I wanted to be with, so I waited as patiently as I could. Cari-anne would pick on me mercilessly. Being a hopeless romantic in the nineties didn�t suit her right, but I knew she was just looking out for me.

I could remember one other day clear in my mind. I smiled as I thought back. He took me by surprise during the whole night, but when it was over, I had a new life stretched out in front of me. It was the night that started our lifetime together. **flashback**

oh can�t you see it baby?
�You don�t have to close your eyes,
�Cause its standing right here before you,
�All that you need will surely come�
�I�ll be your dream, I�ll be your wish, I�ll be your
fantasy,
�I�ll be your hope; I�ll be your love
�Be everything that you need
�I�ll love you more with every breath
�Truly madly deeply do�~

I was in bed nursing a cold that seemed to not want to quit. No matter what I did, I couldn�t get my head to stop pounding and breathing had become a chore. I had always hated being sick and was at the moment, babying myself. I must have been a sight on the couch in my flannel pajamas and fuzzy puppy slippers. I made sure the blanket was up around my neck and I had just made myself comfortable when I heard the buzz of the doorbell.

�Dammit.� There was no way I was about to move so I just let the buzzer go off. I figured that soon enough, whoever it was would get sick of waiting and leave. Five minutes later the buzzer was still going off and I was pissed. I threw myself off the couch in a fit of anger, stormed over to the door and flung it open. The person behind the door got the beginning of one of my best tongue-lashing, until I realized who it was.

�Mark? I�.� I gazed at him sheepishly, suddenly embarrassed. I let him into the living room and together we sat on the couch. I apologized profusely for screaming at him and then listened as he explained why he was there. The band had an unexpected television show to do in London the next morning and he thought he would surprise me. I guess he was the one who got the surprise.

I was still worn out from being sick, so as he talked, I laid my head down on his shoulder. Maybe it was the sound of his voice, or maybe it was just the fact that he was there with me, but I fell asleep. The next thing I remember was waking up completely covered on the couch. Mark wasn�t next to me anymore and I briefly wondered if I had dreamed that he was there earlier. I turned over slightly and that�s when I heard him.

He was in the small kitchen of the dorm room, singing his heart out. It was a Savage Garden song that I vaguely remembered. �I�ll be your dream, I�ll be your wish, I�ll be your fantasy�� I stood up and walked quietly to the kitchen. He still hadn�t noticed me as I approached him and I wrapped my arms around his waist. He turned to face me and his blue eyes filled with concern.

�Hey love. You shouldn�t be up. I don�t like to see you sick.�

I smiled and then noticed the seriousness on his face. �Mark, it�s only a cold. I�ll be alright.� Secretly, I didn�t mind at all that he was making such a fuss over me. As I said, when I�m sick, I love being babied.

�I told the lads I would be here for most of the night. They understood. Me mobile is on and if they need me, they can reach me. Now, get yourself back to that couch while I finish this soup.�

�But��

�Go. I�ll be in when the soup is done.� I knew he was serious, but I could see a sparkle in his eye. I made my way back to the couch laughing. It was all I could do. The sight of Mark in the kitchen was just too funny.

We spent the night on the couch together in each other�s arms, just watching old movies and being close. His chicken soup was wonderful and so was the fact that he was with me. There were quite a few times where I dozed off, only to awaken to find him watching me. One of the last times that happened, I noticed a thoughtful look in his eyes.

�Mark? Is everything all right?� The glow of the television illuminated his face and I watched as he stood up.

�Destiny. I had a reason for coming here tonight.� The seriousness in his voice and on his face began to make me nervous. It was then that I had the only doubts that I ever had with him. Was he breaking up with me? I watched him intensely as he paced the living room for a few seconds and finally stood directly in front of me. �This isn�t exactly the way I thought this would happen, but I have to do this now.� Now I was curious, as his voice got quiet almost instantly. He seemed almost nervous. He walked a complete circle around the room, then sat down beside me, then stood up again.

I laughed as he stood watching me. �Mark, whatever it is, just tell me. I�m a big girl I can handle it. Anyway, it�s nearly two in the morning. We both need sleep, so just tell me.�

�You�re right.� I was still watching him and I could feel my heart beating faster as he knelt down on one knee beside the couch. Time stood still for me during the next few minutes. I watched as he pulled a small velvet box out of his pocket, I could see the almost childlike innocence in his eyes as he asked the question. �I know this probably isn�t the most glamorous way you thought this would be�I mean, I just felt the time was right�� I couldn�t take my eyes off of him as he stammered over exactly what to say. I still couldn�t believe what he was doing. He took another deep breath and that is when the actual question came out.

�Destiny, I have fallen in love with you. I�ve been thinking and thinking and that�s what it all comes down to. So I need to ask you this one question�Destiny Rose McAllister, will you honor me by becoming my wife?�

I was stunned for a few seconds. I couldn�t form the words that were on the tip of my tongue and I could feel the tears threatening to spill over. I recovered quickly and threw my arms around him, nearly knocking him over. �Is that a yes?� I could hear the laughter in his voice and I pulled away from him slightly. �Yes Mark. I will marry you. I love you.� It was then that he slipped the delicate silver band on my finger and then, we lost ourselves in each other�s arms that night.

present time

I instinctively turned the small silver band around with my finger as I thought of that night. Seems like a lifetime ago thinking back now. I looked back in the box and saw one of our wedding invitations. That day was an event in itself. The media did their best to get in on the church service, but after the fiasco that Nicky and Georgina�s wedding turned out to be, we were ready. We had a very tight security and a very small guest list. Only mine and Mark�s family, the other lads and their families. Of course Cari-anne was there and there were a few other people. Thinking back, I only remember one part in my mind.

Mark and I had cheated when it came to our vows. We both took a verse of our song to recite to each other. There was so much truth in the lyrics that nothing the two of us could have written would have said it as well. I can still hear him reciting the words, putting so much emotion in his voice. It hurt so much to think of that day, how much I would give anything to go back there now.

I tried to turn my thoughts to the reception. For as emotional the ceremony was, the reception was just insane. Bryan had started directly in on the drinks and was soon the life of the party. Many many conga lines later, Mark and I managed to escape the madness of our wedding reception. We sat together under the blanket of the velvety night sky. �I love you Mark.� It was such a simple statement, one that didn�t even need to be said. His lips found mine then and I shuddered at his touch. It had been our first true kiss as Husband and Wife and I could still feel his lips on mine. Could still feel his arms wrapped around me.

One month exactly after the wedding, Mark was back on the road. A lot of times I would join him, but I was in my senior year at college and I had finally gotten a role for a ballet. It was small but it was something I wanted to do. So, we went back to talking as much as we could. I managed to see him nearly once a week but I still missed him when he was gone. Everything was fine until that night. The night when everything changed for me. It was his twenty fourth birthday. I closed my eyes and tried to push the memories of that night away.

**flashback**

~�I want to stand with you on a mountain,
�I want to bathe with you in the sea
�I want to lay like this forever
�until the sky falls down on me�~

�Can I speak to Mrs. Feehily please?� Something about the tone the gentleman used made my blood run cold. I knew it then, something was terribly wrong. �This is Mrs. Feehily. How can I help you?�

�I�m very sorry, Mrs. Feehily. There�s been an accident��

That was all it took for me. Everything began to happen around me, I don�t remember most of it. I had become numb to my surroundings. I remember Shane taking the phone after I dropped it. He spoke to the gentleman and then somebody�s arms were around me. Comforting words circled around my head. They all tried so hard to make it better for me but I knew there would be no amount of words that could console me. No words would be able to give me what I wanted, what I needed. No words could bring Mark back to me.

Time was lost to me after that night. Hours turned into hours, days into days. There was a numbness that stayed with me throughout that whole time. I remembered talking to one of the policemen. He explained to me that it had been a complete accident, that there was nothing anyone could have done. That thought hurt me almost as much as the fact that I would never see him again. I needed someone to blame. I needed someone who could take the pain away.

The rest of the lads stayed with me the whole time. I was grateful for the fact that I didn�t have to be alone. Shane was nearly inconsolable and I relied on Kian for being my strong point during the week after Mark�s death. His family wanted me to speak at the funeral, and I tried. But there was something about getting up in front of all of those people, trying to be strong when I was dying inside, I couldn�t do it. I broke down on the podium after saying barely two words. It was Kian who walked me back to sit down, Kian who stayed there with me.

After I placed a white rose on the gravesite, I let Kian lead me back to the car. I stopped him for a second and made my way over to Marie. We didn�t even need to say anything as she embraced me. It was hard enough for me to lose a husband, I couldn�t imagine the pain that she was feeling losing a son. I pulled away from her and began to turn away.

�Destiny, wait.� I turned back to her and she took one of my hands in hers. �He loved you so much. We do too. You�re still a daughter to us. You can�t go through this alone. I know it hurts, but you have to let someone in. Take care of yourself Destiny. I�m here if you need me. I love you. We all do.�

I embraced her again and whispered the only thing I could. �I love you too, mom.� We separated and again, Kian led me to the car. Sitting in the passenger side, I looked to the gray sky and wondered if I would ever feel happiness again.

Present time

I had come to the bottom of the box. There were only two things I had not yet glanced at. One was the newspaper clipping from when it happened. There were so many different tributes and such when he died, but I only saved this one thing.

�Pop star killed in tragic accident. Twenty-four year old Mark Feehily, a member of the world famous pop group, Westlife, was killed this morning in an automobile accident.� That was the headline the day after Mark was taken away from me. It went on to a beautiful tribute to him, for his fans. I smiled even now thinking about how they had all been there for me. To this day, I would get stopped on the street, a younger girl telling me how sorry she was, how much she had loved Mark. His spirit lived on in so many people�s hearts, even a year later.

Yes. It had been a full year since we lost Mark. That is the main reason I was sitting here looking out our window. It has been the hardest year of my life; one I never thought I would make I through. Without out the support of certain people, I know I never would have made it. Almost as if on cue, the phone rang. I let it ring once, twice and then the machine picked up.

�Yup, this is one of those annoying machines that tell you that we�re not here. Hopefully, if we think you�re important enough, we�ll call you back. Here comes the beep.� I had never changed the message on the machine, as corny as it was. I laughed despite myself as I waited to hear who was on the other end.

�Des, I know you�re home. Pick up the phone.� It was Kian. I paused at first. I really didn�t think I could talk to him today. �Alright well, I talked to Bry and Nicky. We�re getting together in a little bit. Just wanted to see if you would come. Shane�s not answering his phone either, so I�m guessing you two wanna be left alone. Des, it isn�t a good time to be alone, but I won�t push you. You know how to reach me if you need me.� He hung up then and I went back to my mourning ritual. There was one last thing in the box.

It was a plain envelope like all of the others he had given me and my name was written across the middle. The only thing that was different was the fact that I had not received this letter until after he passed away. Days after the funeral, Shane brought it to me with only the explanation that I was to read it as soon as possible. I hadn�t been able to read it yet. A year later, somehow I knew it was time. Carefully, I opened the envelope and pulled out the letter. To my surprise a small silver object tumbled out. I picked it up carefully and saw it was a small Irish cross pendant. I turned it over in my hands as I unfolded the letter.

Dearest Destiny,

Hey Love�

I honestly don�t know if you will ever even see this letter, or if you do, I hope it isn�t until we are both much older. Bryan caught me writing this to you, or attempting to, and he called me crazy. He couldn�t believe that I would even think of things like this, my being gone. But you know me, I sometimes think too much of things, especially when I�m out here on the road. That�s all there is to do.

The matter at hand now, is how do I write this to you? What do I even say? I could tell you how much I love you, but somehow that falls short of its own meaning. I�m sitting here, looking out the window of the bus. I can see the sky and I know that even though you�re so far away, I know you are watching the same sky. You always helped me take time out to remember the little things, the peaceful things. That is another reason I love you.

Again, I�m off on a tangent. You know me. I�ll try now to continue with what I need to say. I know that you will grieve when I�m gone. I know the way you feel everything so deeply. I just hope that somehow, you�ll be able to carry on after a while. I don�t want you to stay sad over me. You deserve to have everything good for the rest of your life. You need somebody there to share everything that life can hold with you.

Now I have sat back and reread all that I have written. I�m starting to think maybe Bryan is right. Maybe I am crazy for writing this to you. It all sounded worse than some greeting card, but you know how I get. I just want to make sure you�ll be all right. As awkward as it is for me to be saying this while in a bus, on our way to some town in Florida, I want you to know, that I will be watching over you no matter where I am. I won�t be happy until I know you are. You have to promise me that you�ll let your self live life to the fullest even if I�m not around. Promise?

Well, I�m this close to getting all teary eyed and if Bryan decides to come back in here, I would never live it down. Just know this, Destiny. I love you, and I always will. When you need me, just listen to our song; imagine me right beside you, singing it. I�ll be there.

Love you always and forever�truly, madly, deeply�

Mark

The tears were running freely down my face now, some reaching the paper in my hands, blurring his words. I refolded the letter and placed it back in the box. I stood up then, the cross still in my hands. I made my way to the stereo and hit stop. I couldn�t listen to our song any longer. I reached down and picked up the small framed photo on top of the stereo. It was our wedding picture, the only picture of him I kept in view. Our smiling faces stared back at me and I sighed as I looked at the picture.

�I promise Mark. I just miss you so much. I just wish��

�You wish I was still right beside you. I told you I was.� My heart began to beat faster as I turned around. The space behind me was empty but as I turned back to the stereo, I could hear the song began to play once more. Only it wasn�t the usual voice as the song started. It was a voice I thought I would never hear again. I stood almost in a trance as Mark�s voice washed over me.

~I will be strong, I will be faithful
cause I�m counting on a new beginning
A reason for living,
a deeper meaning�~

As the end of the song came, I realized that I was singing along with him. It was then I realized that my voice was the only voice I heard. Mark was gone again. This time though, I knew I would be able to let go. I could feel it. It had been a long year for me, for everyone who had known him, but now was the time to move on. I knew I would never find another like Mark. And I knew I would never marry again, but I would keep my promise to Mark. I would find someone to share the rest of my life with; find someone that I could be happy with. I went to the phone then, to begin the process of moving on. Picking it up, I dialed a familiar number. �Ki? I think I�d like to come with you guys. I�d rather not be alone anymore.� I knew then I would be ok as I made my way back to the window. �I�ll miss you Mark. You�re always in my heart.� I traced the path of a shooting star as I waited for Kian. Waited to move on. Waiting for my new beginning, I looked ahead to a brighter day.

Truly, Madly, Deeply by Savage Garden