Alone. That�s how I felt in that moment. The moment he walked out, never even looking back. Six years of broken promises and the trails of heartbreak that followed behind. I had no idea what to do, where to go. He had been everything in my life and I thought that we would be together through it all. Now he wasn�t there, and I felt completely alone. Heavy-hearted, I stood up and began to pick up the roses he had given me. He thought that they would ease the blow he was dealing and I had thrown them to the floor. With each petal I picked up, a new thought would dawn on me. How dare he just leave like that? What right did he have to play with my heart like that? What right�. I let myself fall back down to the floor, feeling defeated. It was then that the tears came, and I did nothing to stop them. Alone in my misery, I held myself and cried for the love that I had lost.

I�m not sure how long I had been there, just sitting. Minutes, maybe even hours passed when I heard the sound of the doorbell. I was going to ignore it, will the person on the other side of the door, but there was a fleeting thought that maybe it was him. Coming back to tell me he was sorry, to tell me he didn�t mean it. I stood up, wiping the tears from my eyes with the back of my hand. My hand paused on the knob, as I wondered if I could face him again.

Hesitation left me and curiosity got the best of me as I slowly opened the door. �Bry? What are you doing here?� I knew my shock was written on my face. Bryan was the last person I expected to see standing in the hallway in from of my apartment. He was away, with the band. Or so I thought.

I stepped aside, motioning for him to come in and I felt myself being picked up into a big bear hug, like only he could provide. I hugged him back, glad for the distraction that came with him. I only hoped that he wouldn�t be able to see the pain that I was in. �Heya love. I got worried when I found out your mobile was off, so I decided to come here myself. How are you?� He put me down then, and I could feel him looking me over. I shifted under his gaze and I couldn�t bring myself to look him in the eyes. �Amber, have you been crying? Is there something wrong?�

I turned from him and walked to the couch, not answering him. I knew I wouldn�t be able to. I could feel that he was right behind me and I kept my head down. I couldn�t tell him how I felt. How truly alone I felt. With as much strength as I could gather, I gave my explanation. �I�m fine, Bryan. Just not feeling that great. Hay fever and such�� I felt his hand on my face, brushing away a piece of hair from my eyes. He lifted my chin so I was staring directly into his eyes. I knew then that he didn�t believe me.

I heard him promise you forever
But forever�s come and gone
Baby he would say whatever
It takes to keep you alive
Tell the truth between the lines

It all came out at once. Maybe it was the comfort that Bryan�s arms held, or maybe I just needed to say the words myself. To make it final. I told him everything that had been said. Told him how he just left, left me without so much as an explanation. I told him how alone I felt now, that I didn�t know where to go, what to do. That was one of the main things I loved about Bryan. No matter when I needed him, he always seemed to be there for me, pulling me through.

He held me for a long time, just listening as I spoke. I wondered what he must be thinking, seeing me like this. I knew he probably had a million and one other things to do, something with the lads maybe. I stopped talking and pulled away from him. �Bryan, you should go. I�m sure you�ve got something else to�� He stared intently at me for a few seconds, and then his face broke out into the smile that I loved.

�Amber, even if I had someplace else to be, I�d be here. I haven�t seen you in so long. And do you honestly think I�d leave you now?� I just watched him as he spoke, not knowing what to say. �He�s a fool, Amber. To play with your heart like that. I know you may not want to hear this right now, but he�s a fool. Plain and simple.� A fresh batch of tears welled up in my eyes, threatening to spill over. �I just thought�He told me forever�doesn�t forever mean anything? How can I let myself fall in love again? It�s all just empty words now.� I looked at Bryan as I spoke and I saw that his eyes were sad.

Oh I will love you more than that
I won't say the words, then take them back
Don't give loneliness a chance
Baby listen to me when I say
I will love you more than that

Bryan stood up as noiselessly as he could from the couch. Amber had fallen asleep and he didn�t want to wake her. All he wanted to do was hold her, take away her pain. But he knew he couldn�t now. The timing was wrong. The truth was, he had always been in love with her, but he was never able to do anything. He wondered how Alex had been so quick to give her up, after all the years they shared together. He wondered how he had been able to hurt her like that. He knew it was something he would never be able to do. She looked so peaceful when she was asleep. Bryan stood watching over her, noting the trails of tears streaking her face. He had known her forever, as he was one of her childhood friends. She had always been a friend to him, even when others weren�t as nice. He let his mind wander back to the Billie Barry days and the fun times they had shared then. As they grew older, Bryan began to take notice how beautiful his friend had become, but he was never able to tell her. It was always too hard for him. Then came the audition, and the band, and the tours, and the time away from Dublin. They grew apart, but he always made time for her when he came home.

And she made time for him, even though she was with Alex. Whenever Bryan was home, they would have a day to themselves. In the earlier days of Westlife, they would shop like two crazy people and in more recent times, they would share an afternoon home together. At either of their houses, they would sit and watch videos and just talk about everything. Then came the night out together, clubbing at the finest clubs and pubs in Dublin. They always had a laugh when they got together.

He sat down in the chair beside the couch and watched her sleep. If only she knew, if only there was still a chance for me to tell her. Bryan wondered if there would ever be a right time to tell her how he felt. As he drifted off to sleep, he thought of exact ways he would tell her, even if it was only in his dreams.

Baby you deserve much better
What's the use in holding on?
Don't you see it's now or never?
Cause I just can't be friends
Baby knowing in the end
That I will love you more than that
I won't say those words, then take them back
Don't give loneliness a chance
Baby listen to me when I say

I woke up to the sun shining into my window. Disoriented at first, I started to stand up and then looked around. It was then that I noticed him, asleep in the chair. He looked so peaceful like that, so beautiful. I wondered why I had never noticed how handsome he was before. I moved closer to him, careful not to disturb his slumber, and just stood and watched. I wasn�t sure exactly how long I stood there, lost in my own confused and hurt thoughts, but when I looked down at him again, he was stirring.

�Mornin� Love.� He gave me a sheepish smile and for some reason I began to feel warmth rising up my neck. I turned away embarrassed by my sudden onslaught of affection. I couldn�t let him get the best of me like that. I mean, this was Bryan we�re talking about. Bryan McFadden, who I had known for the most part of my life. Through my ups and my downs, he was always there. Always there for me, to be my shoulder to cry on.

Thoughts of Bryan whirl winded through my mind and they all came back to one single thought. One single word. I looked back down at him again and noted the knowing smile he held on his face. I turned from him and walked away. I wouldn�t let myself fall again, not this soon. Not ever. I felt his arm surround me as I tried to brush him off. A lone tear made its way down my cheek as I felt myself being turned around to face him. �No. Bryan, I can�t�It�s too hard��

I tried to push against his embrace, but I soon gave up. It felt so good just being in his arms. I felt terrible and confused. I didn�t know what I wanted, what I was feeling at that moment. �Amber, listen to me. What I said last night was true. Alex was a fool to let you slip away from him. And I know that you�re hurting. God, I don�t want to make you hurt anymore, but there�s something I have to tell you.�

I shook my head and tried to pull away from him. I caught his stare and what I saw in his eyes shocked me. There was such a sincerity in them. A light, a glow. I had seen that look only one other time�in Alex�s eyes. �Bryan, I�� I knew he saw my hesitation, but it didn�t stop him. He placed his finger on my lips and whispered softly, �Shhh�Just let me get this out. Please?� I stood frozen in my spot, unsure of what I should do. �We�ve been friends forever, Amber. I love you as a friend more than anything else and I will no matter what. But�and I know this is terrible timing�I love you, Amber.�

There's not a day that passes by
I don't wonder why we haven't tried
It's not too late to change your mind
And take my hand, don�t say goodbye

�Bryan, I don�t know what to say.� Again, he stopped me from talking. �Don�t say anything. Just know what my feelings are, see where I stand. I can wait for you; wait as long as it takes for you to believe me. Just do me one favor? Tell me that I�m not alone in my feelings.� I walked away from him then. It wasn�t that I didn�t love him, I knew I did. There was something holding me back, keeping me from telling him my true feelings. �Amber?� I could hear the confusion in his voice and I was at a loss for words.

�Bryan, I�m sorry�I just can�t tell you what you want to hear. Not yet.� I went to my bedroom and closed the door. I hated hurting him the way I knew I was, but I didn�t think I had the strength to love him back just yet. I listened to the silence in the living room for a while, expecting to hear the click of the door. I never heard it. After a long while, I opened my door as quietly as I could.

He was sitting on the ledge, staring out the window. He looked so sad, so lost that my heart went out to him. It was my own fault, I know, but even though I couldn�t tell him, I still cared for him. More than he would ever know. I stayed quiet for a long time, just watching him. I wondered what he was thinking and wondered if he hated me for doing what I did. After what seemed like a silent eternity, I made my presence known, breaking his world of thoughts.

�I�m sorry, Bryan.� He looked up at me and a regretful smile crossed his face. He said nothing and turned back to the window. I began to walk the short distance to where he stood when I heard his voice. I knew the song, and as he sang it, I knew that he was singing it just for me. I sat down next to him on the ledge and pulled him into my arms. I knew it was the right time to make my choice. It seemed so clear to me now, even though I had just denied it. Looking into his eyes as he sang, I made my choice. �I love you too, Bryan.�

I will love you more than that
I won't say those words, then take them back

Oh I will love you more than that
I won't say those words, then take them back
Don't give loneliness a chance
Baby listen to me when I say
I will love you more than that

Oh I will love you more than that
I won't say those words, then take them back
Don't give loneliness a chance
Baby listen to me when I say
I will love you more than that

More Than That by the Backstreet Boys

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