Right after my freshman year of college, I had made the decision to take a year off. I needed a break from everything to try to find myself. What I never expected was to find him. It was funny how we met. I had been a fan of pop music all my life and followed the Backstreet Boys very closely. When I found out that they were playing in Syracuse, I could not believe it. I had waited so long to see them live and managed to find myself with not only second row tickets, but backstage passes. The show started and i could remember getting so caught up in just being there. There they were, the BSB, right in front of me in all their glory. They knew how to get the crowd going. I smiled everytime one of them pointed my way or directed a smile at me. I nearly fainted when THE Nick Carter had sung the line "I'll be the one, to hold you and make sure that you'll be alright." directly at me. I knew the night wouldn�t get any better, but somehow it did.

Westlife took the stage and and I was wrapped up in their voices from the first note. I had heard of them before but they were relatively new to the States. As I let their voices wash over me, I took the time out to study them. First was a tall blonde, who, of course was Bryan. He had a nice smile and laughter seemed to shine from his eyes as he sang. Next I saw a shorter blonde, who introduced himself as Nicky. Another friendly smile graced his face. One of the main voices I heard that night was Shane's. He had a beautiful voice and had the prominent good looks to match. Next, was who I came to know as Kian. Another blonde who seemed to be flirting with all of us at once. He was wonderful at getting the crowd going. It was then that I saw the fifth member of Westlife. I couldnt believe that that show had been over a year ago. Thinking back now, I remembered it had been a night of magic. It had been the night I met Mark.

His face materialized in my mind as I thought back on the times we had spent together . His bright blue eyes that I always seemed to get lost in. His dimples when he smiled. How I had always teased him about his Irish accent, I found it sexy, he thought he sounded like a farmer. His soft full lips that still sent a shudder through my heart when I remembered his kisses. His voice and the way he used to sing to me. Now these things were just distant memories for me. I had given it all up in one moment of weakness that I felt I would always regret.

My thoughts then went back to the last time I had seen him. The hurt in his eyes, hurt that I had put there. I could still see the mask of anger he had hidden behind and could still hear the tone in his usually soft voice rising higher than I had ever heard before. Now, a year later, I understood just how much I had hurt him. I took a deep breath and poised my hand to knock on the door in front of me. Shaking my head and turning away I said, "I can�t do this." I began to walk down the hall as quickly as possible. Too many memories, its still too soon. It was then that I heard him. "Dani???"

**....I would like to visit you for a while,

get away and out of this city,
Maybe I shouldnt have called but someone had to be the first to break,
We can go and sit on your back porch,
Relax, talk about anything,
It dont matter,
I'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me...**

I was afraid to stop, but just the thought of seeing him again forced me to turn around. I felt as though frozen in the moment as I gazed at him. It had been so long since I had seen him, yet he was still the same. His hair had been shaven off and maybe he looked a bit older, but his blue eyes held the same laughter. It was then I found my voice to speak. "Mark. I wasnt sure if you had gotten the message. I knew you were in town and..."

He motioned me closer to him and led me into the room. "Of course I did, Dani. I'm glad you rang me up. You know, alot has been going on. Can you believe? Our own tour in the States." His eyes sparkled with everything that had happened and I was glad to see him so happy. There was such a big part of me that still wished I was part of his life. Over the past year, we had tried a couple of weak attempts at keeping in touch, but they never seemed to work. Him in Ireland or traveling the world and me still here in the States. His few phone calls and letters seemed to hurt more than make me happy and it was better off not hearing from him. But right now, this close to him was different. We could no longer run from the past. Though I hoped that with the talk of the band, the lads and school, we could avoid it.

**...Because I dont know you anymore,
I dont recognize this place,
The picture frames have changed and so has your name,
We dont talk much anymore,
We keep running from the pain,
But what I wouldn�t give to see your face again,
...Springtime in the city,
Always such a relief from the winter freeze,
The snow was more lonely than cold if you know what i mean,
Everyones got an agenda,
Dont stop...keep that chin up...you'll be alright,
Can you believe what a year it's been?
Are you still the same?
Has your opinion changed?...**

He led me further into the hotel room and opened the door to the balcony. I gasped at the beautiful view that he had. It was mid-April and trees seemed to be in full bloom. The lake was just in the background and flowers seemed to jump out at me in every color. It was easy to forget we were in the middle of a crowded city, easy to forget the confusion in my mind. Mark had always loved showing me the scenic places he had found and I thought to myself, "This time is no different." Then I shook my head and a chill ran down my spine. "...but it is different..." My own voice echoed in my mind. I stared out at the scene in front of me and could feel the warmth of the sun on my face. I was glad that the winter was over, it had seemed so long and lonely. It had been a winter without Mark. I scolded my self for thinking those thoughts and I almost forgot where I was when I heard his voice again.

"D'ya want something to drink?" He must have followed my gaze for he said, "It's beautiful isnt it?" I nodded slowly and he sat down in the chair next to me. It was then that we began our marathon chat. He told me stories about the lads. Nicky and Georgina had finally done it, they had married. I told him to pass on my congradulations. They had always been a happy couple. Both Shane and Kian had found someone and Mark thought they would both be soon to follow Nicky down the road to marriage. It hurt to hear him mention Kian, but I told myself again, its been a year, things change. I was glad when he started in on his stories of Bryan. I laughed as he told me stories about him that were more bizarre than any tabloid could come up with, but I knew deep down that Bryan was a great young man. "He's just enjoying his fame." I told him, still laughing. Looking at him, I saw he was laughing too.

I lost myself in the moment but then the question came to me. I tried hard to push it away, thats what I had spent the past year doing. Getting on with my life. Not thinking about what I had done. My friends and family were constantly telling me to stick it out, that it was a mistake. "People make mistakes, you know." Those were the words of wisdom from my best friend. Everyone said I should continue on with the normal things. Dont stop living your life, they would say. It was my mother who told me to just keep my head up. I laughed now thinking back. I really didn�t understand what I was going through then and realized I still wasnt sure of myself now. I didn�t want to ask it, but I had to know. "What about you Mark. Are you happy?"

**...Because I dont know you anymore,
I dont recognize this place,
The picture frames have changed and so has your name,
We dont talk much anymore,
We keep running from these sentences,
But what I wouldn�t give to see your face again...**

He looked away from me then, but not before I caught the look of pain flash in his eyes. His eyes had always given away his true emotions. "Mark, Im sorry. I had no right to ask you that." I watched as he stood up and walked back into the main room. I wasnt sure if I should go after him. So I sat there, confused as ever. He was almost a stranger to me now and for the first time ever in his presence, I felt like I didn�t belong. I made my decision then.

Standing up, i followed him into the main room only to see he wasnt there. I walked slowly through the hotel room to the door and that is when I saw the pictures laid out ontop of his suitcase. He always kept pictures from home out if he got lonely. I saw one of his mom and dad, one of his brothers. I laughed in spite of myself when I saw the picture of Snoopy, his dog. I felt bad looking at them, knowing I had no right, and was about to stop when one caught my eye.

He still had it. Him and I at a carnival during one of the last times Westlife was in the States. We were feeding each other cotton candy and our smiles were a mile wide. We were so happy then, I missed feeling like that. I noticed then how the picture was bent, right between Mark and myself. I stood there, unsure of what to do. I didn�t want to leave anymore, but I knew I couldnt stay. I could feel the threat of tears in my eyes and did the only thing I could. I gently picked up the photo, kissed it and set it back down. As I turned to leave, the only sound was my whisper. "I'm sorry Mark."

**...I know I let you down,
Again and again,
I know I never really treated you right,
I've paid the price,
Im still paying for it everyday...**

I was only a couple of steps down the empty hallway, consumed by my thoughts. I hadnt let myself revisit that night in over a year. It was as painful now as it had been then. If only I had done things different. If only I hadnt let myself get so drunk. If only I hadnt let myself be with him like that, when I knew he wasnt Mark. It had been my final moment of weakness and an end to the best thing I ever had. As if it were yesterday, I remembered everything clearly.

**flashback**

I knew this was wrong. Every single warning in my head was going off. I kept picturing Marks face in my mind and remembering my promise to him that I would never do anything like this again. I felt awful and I knew it wasnt just the alcohol. Maybe in my drunken mind i couldnt see how Kians kindness was bad. I mean, all he was doing was watching me to make sure I would be alright. Nothing more. I forced myself to open my eyes and watched as normally stationary objects in the room took flight. I moaned and held out my hand, whispering, "Ki? Can you come sit with me? I dont feel so well." He was next to me then, holding my hand and moving a few strands of hair from my face. His touch was soft, but didn�t give me the electricity that Mark's did.

"Dani? you gonna be alright?"

I lifted my eyes up to see him better and saw that his blue eyes were filled with concern. I felt bad because I knew that he had drunk just as much as me, maybe more. I wish I knew his secret for staying so sobered. I wasnt sure how much time had passed, but I knew that we couldnt stay in here all night. "I...I think so, Ki. I should...I gotta...leave." I had good intentions of standing up and walking out of the room, but my body refused to agree. After my third try, I knew I wasnt leaving. "Looks like I'm stuck here for a while."

I could see that Kian had begun to laugh, probably at my failed attempts to stand up and I began to laugh too. It was then that he moved closer. "Is that really so bad?" He said it softly, in between laughter, but I had heard him loud and clear and I knew then that I wouldn�t be able to stop myself.

He moved in closer still and began kissing my neck, softly at first. When his lips found mine, I hesitated at first. "Wait, Ki...wait. What about Mark?" This thought must have struck him as funny for he laughed again. I fought to keep my composure, but his laughter was again infectious. So there we were, the two of us, both drunk beyond belief, on the bed in Kians hotel room, kissing and laughing. It never went any farther than that, but that night it was far enough. In the next minute I would realize it had been too far.

"Oh, i'm sorry, I.....Dani?" It was then I looked up and I doubt any cup of coffee could have sobered me more than the look on Marks face. The light from the hallway illuminated the area around him and I could clearly see the mask of pain, anger and confusion on his face.

"Mark, I can explain..." I watched as he took another step into the room and saw the sickened look when he realized it was Kian I was with. He shook his head as if to erase the image of us together and i tried again to force an explanation out. "Mark? Please, just let me..."

"NO!" I could see that his eyes had grown large, almost wild, which scared me. I had never seen him angry before, at least not like this.

A thick silence hung over the room and I felt Kian move beside me. I watched as he stood up and could see the hateful glare that Mark was throwing at him. "Mark, we did nothing. She had a little too much to drink and..."

"And what??!? You thought it would be a nice time to take advantage of her? HOW COULD YOU??!!??!" His voice rose with every word as he moved closer to Kian.

I was afraid of what would happen next and felt that i should defend Ki, or maybe I was trying to defend myself. "It's true. Nothing happened, Mark. I wouldn�t..."

"Oh wouldn�t you? I can not believe I set myself up for this again." He turned and took a few more steps closer to Kian. "You know what, mate? She's all yours. You keep her. Then you'll understand." His words hit me harder than anything I had ever felt. Surely he didn�t mean that. I watched as he turned and walked out of the room.

I looked over at Kian who looked just as shocked as I was. Tears were flowing freely down my face, and i tried to speak. Tried to make sense of what had just happened. "Ki...I...Why did he say that? He can�t mean...Oh God, Ki, what should I do?"

He made a motion to hug me then stopped, thinking better of it and shook his head. "Go to him." His voice was strained and I knew that he was beginning to get lost in his own thoughts. I looked at him for a few more minutes and then ran out the door as quickly as I could in my half drunken state.

**end flashback**

The memory of that night still hurt. I remembered running back to our hotel room, opening the door and finding him gone. I knocked on every single one of the guys doors and finally found him in Shane's room. Well, I didn�t find him, Shane told me he was there right before he not so politely told me to get out of his sight. I ended that night by going back to the room I shared with Mark, putting on one of his long sleeved shirts, just to be close to him and turned the tv on full blast. He always had it on like that, or else he couldnt sleep. It almost made me laugh thinking about how the other guys refused to share a room with him because of his loud sleeping habits. I had grown used to it and that night, the sound of it was comforting. Somehow I managed to fall restlessly asleep.

The days that followed were filled with harsh words and confusion. It seemed any words I said to Mark were lost. I couldnt blame him him at all. He had every right to be angry, but somewhere inside of me i thought we would be able to continue our relationship. He had different plans. After a week of fighting and empty stares, I made my decision. It was on a rainy night over a year ago, that I left him behind. I had decided it would be best if I just left so while the guys were performing, I packed up as many of my things as I could find. Without a word or even a note, i left. It was hard but I knew it was the best thing for both of us. Maybe with me gone, the tension between him and Kian would calm down. The future of the band rested on their friendship. I felt so bad about that, as they had been the best of friends before. My last thoughts of Mark that night were, "and maybe he'll find love again. Love that will treat him the way he deserves."

The memories washed over me hard and I cleared my head the best I could. I needed to get out of there, needed to get away from this hotel. Needed to get away from him. Still deep down I wondered what he thought of me now. Was he still as hurt as that night, that week? Was there any chance of being with him again? I knew that I would never find an answer to these questions. I was halfway down the silent hall when I heard the sound of a door opening. "Why'd ya come back Dani?"

**...So maybe I shouldnt have called
Was it too soon to tell?
Oh what the hell,
It doesnt really matter
How do you redefine something that never really had a name?
Has your opinion changed...**

I could hear his footsteps moving closer and I refused to turn around. I needed to leave. I couldnt keep doing this, to myself, to him. I had to put the past behind me. I quickened my pace and still held my ground, refusing to turn to face him. I felt a hand grab my arm and I was turned around, coming face to face with him. "Why did you come back?"

I couldnt read the look in his eyes and it was then I realized I didn�t want to anymore. It didn�t matter anymore, we had both changed so much in a year. We were no longer a part of each other. I asked myself the same question he was asking me. Why did I come back? Was I really foolish enough to think time would change his opinion of me? I looked into his eyes and shook my head. "I dont know Mark. I really dont know." We had reached the elevators now and I fumbled with the button. "I shouldnt have called you. I shouldnt have bothered you again. You've got your own life now, as do I. I've gotta leave Mark. Please."

**...because I dont know you anymore
I dont recognize this place
the picture frames have changed and so has your name
we dont talk much anymore
we keep running from the pain
but what I wouldn�t give to see your face again...**

"No. Dont leave." He followed me into the elevator and his face softened into a smile. "You know, it could be worse, you could be in here with Nicky." I knew he was trying to lighten the mood with Nicky's fear of elevators and I was grateful. There was so much tension between us that it hung thickly around us. But no matter what was said I held firmly to what I was doing. The seriousness was written on Mark�s face again and he began to speak. "Dani, dont go. The way you left before, I couldnt deal with that again. We could still try to work things out." He placed his hand on my chin and tilted my face up to his. "I still love you Dani." His touch sent electricity through my whole body and I almost let myself give in. The opening of the elevator doors brought me back to reality.

Hurriedly, I walked to the front of the hotel. I could see a small mob of fans waiting outside for any sign of the guys in Westlife and that is when I saw my chance. I turned to him, taking in every inch of his face. I knew it was the last time I would ever see it up close. "Mark, I can�t stay. As I said, you've got your own life. You need to find someone that will make you happy, treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You know I love you, I always have. I know i always will. But this can�t happen. Please understand."

We were nearing the mob of fans and I could feel Marks grip on my arm tighten. "Dont do this. Dani, please?" I reached out and ran my finger gently across his face. When I reached his lips, he kissed it softly.

It was then that I hugged him, harder than I had ever hugged him before. I stayed in his arms for a few minutes then finally, broke away. I knew I had to do it now, or else I would lose my nerve. I began to walk away from him, approaching the crowd of fans. They still hadnt spotted him and I was thankful. It gave me one last moment with him. As loud as I could without attracting attention, I said to him, "Take care of yourself Mark. I love you." He mouthed it back and i could see the mirror of my own tears in his eyes.

I turned away from him then and seconds later I heard somebody say, "OH My God! Its Mark!!" It took all my strength to force myself to walk to the cab and get in. As the cab drove off, I turned back one last time. Sure enough, there he was in the midst of about 50 girls. He was signing autographs and smiling for pictures but something made him glance my way. That was the last time I saw Mark, except for on tv somewhere. But when I get lonely, I can see his face clearly in my mind and I always find time to get lost in the memories.

**...I see your face.....
I see your face.....**

I Don�t Know You Anymore by Savage Garden