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Archive 'daily journal" 2006
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04/22/06 - Well it's Saturday afternoon. I have been in kinda a cloudiness the past few days, sort of had high expetations for this 'alone weekend' and I guess they didn't really work out. Not sure exactly what I wanted to do, but the little daydreams I had, are just that...daydreams.. I spent a lot of time with mom last night, it was soo nice; to just open up and talk about some (ALL) feelings I had been dealing with on my own. It was nice to cry and get it out. It was sort of sad, but good. I have some things I want to say and can't bring myself to say them, not even to myself really. But today was a bit better so far! No phone ringing...pure quiet. Which is kinda lonely, but I did a lot of "ebaying"! :-) got a lot of pictures taken and items listed, even packaged up items that were won last night to be mailed monday! So far things are going great, and items are selling like crazy. Insane I tell ya. I'm shocked. But happy! I have the dinner tonight with the place I volunteer for, the same place I applied for a job! Other than that I am just hanging out alone. Not sure what to do after dinner, but I have a lot of little things I need to mark off the 'list' so I better get going and do some more stuff. Been busy so far today so why stop now?! 5/30/06 - Well Not much has changed (besides everything), I sound like a broken record, I know so much more change is in the air, yet that is the constant thing right? (change). I am looking for a new job, my best friend and co worker is leaving next friday...But I think a new job will inspire me! I am sort of excited about that change. I am not saying I am 'ok' with all the change, but I have accepted that some change is in my control and some is not and within that realization I have found some peace. I can't make anyone act a certain way or do certain things, no matter how hard I think about it or want it; I can not change the things out of my control. So I can accept them and learn from them and keep moving forward right? 04/20/06 - Well, not much going on, the job offer is still up in the air. They had a lot of applicants and are still going through resumes....not holding my breath, but REALLY hoping it happens! Had a bunch of weekend plans, since i am on my own for a few days, but they are kinda falling through, I have a ton of things to do around the house so I think I will be just taking it easy, still no real set plans! It's kinda amazing how alone a person can feel. I feel I am a pretty happy, comfortable with myself type person. But I love company. I have realized and now can admit that. I love attention and miss it so much when it's gone. BUT it's kinda nice, just up for whatever right now, and I have a long list of 'to do's' so I hope to mark some of those off! The weather is so beautiful. I want to enjoy the outdoors some this weekend! 4/17/06 - What a good weekend. Easter was great. Spent time with family and the weather was good. Except for the bad storm Saturday night that broke mom's windshield. I want to live in a place without these bad summer wind storms! I spent a lot of time with my little niece Sunday, she is so innocent and cute. We had a blast. Looked for flowers all over the WHOLE yard, played, ran, just had some innocent fun. Nothing was on my mind, I didn't care what others thought, wasn't wondering what others were doing or thinking, etc. Just her and I and the open outdoors! I posted some pictures of us and some misc. ones I took that day! Made me do some reflecting last night once I got home. I have said I write here for others, then I have said it's for me. I guess it's both. I mean I have some thoughts and emotions and feelings I would like to express to others, sometimes I write them in sort of 'riddles' here, other times I blurt them out to their face, but I haven't really told some people how I feel or what I am thinking. And I think I realize now that I shouldn't. Sometimes our feelings and thoughts are ours alone. Not to push off onto that other person. I mean if I feel for someone (positive or negative) should I blurt that out to them ALL the time? Nope...I've come to learn that sometimes you just need to deal with those feelings on your own. Do I believe that?! I think I do...I'm beginning to at least. I still have that struggle with "if you think something you should say it, or never think it again"..I sure hope that others do that for me or to me, if they think something tell me! Let me know. Ah, but then what?..I miss a lot of people. Old friends, new friends, co workers, etc. Even old High School friends! I miss those people and that point/time in my life. I would love to just sit and chat with all of them, talk about me and my life, my feelings, listen to their feelings, etc. Laugh, joke, smile, catch up. I know that dad's illness and how bad he is doing has been affecting how I think too, but I am sort of torn right now. Do I blurt out all my feelings, or keep them inside..deal with them? It's not just about other people either, it's about the whole picture, what am I doing with my life, etc.. All those big questions. Even with that said, I am surprisingly happy, calm, content, hopeful. Just a lot of questions in my head that I have been asking myself. Maybe this is a sort of 'reflecting place' for me. I wrote a lot in my journal last night, bur even there I didnt' blurt out some thoughts I have in my head. I want to DO EVERY THING, and trying to figure out what to do first and what can I ACTUALLY DO, it's hard, but it's also fun and inspiring! :-) 03/21/06 - Wow! what a wonderful trip to TN. (See the pics via link above. Didn't take a lot. )I can't even begin to explain how much fun I had and how much I needed this trip. I could have stayed forever. I really could have. I enjoy the energy there, I enjoy the people sooo much, the entire setting. I love it. I already miss it. It's amazing how different it was, it was like stepping through to another place and time. It felt so good, stress free, carefree, wonderful. Just simply wonderful. I laughed so hard at times my stomach still hurts. I had a few drinks one night and lauhged more. Just every day life seems better there. Weird huh? Maybe it's just becuase of dad and everything going on here...it was nice to get away, it was a wonderful break. I am so thankful and blessed for Sherrie. I did a bit of thinking and soul searching, but mostly I just lived, laughed and was totally myself. It was like breathing fresh air. Ever go outside and just breath in fresh air as if you had never filled your lungs with such joy? That is what this trip was like. Refreshing, inspiring, magical. I can't wait to go back. I could seriously live there! (3/24/06) Now back to reality....;my reality....and figuring out how to deal with it all. I can do this right? All dark clouds have silver linings, I know my silver lining is near by. "I can handle this". (reapeat 10 times and follow through!) :-) As someone very special once reminded me "Tomorrow is not promised to anyone" So we have to make the most of every day and not dwell in sorrow for too long right? Yep...sounds good, lets see if Dana can do this. Trying to be happy on the outside to others and be happy on the inside seem like two totally different goals right now. BUT I'm not so sad that I have given up! I am doing 'ok'. Keeping busy, focusing, day dreaming, etc. Today I am doing better than yesterday, I am hopeful, so not all is lost! 03/09/06 - I can feel the growth happening. My mind feels it the most. I'm coming to terms with it, it's actually a bit exciting. I have a feeling my trip to see Sherrie will give me time to grasp the growth even more. I have even thought about getting a tattoo while I'm out there. I have something in mind that sort of relates to dad. I'll post some pics if I go through with it. I keep telling myself, bottom line is Life is Good. That is all I can really say. Changes happen, it's not a bad thing, and overall life is good. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have to just stop fighting who I am, what I'm about, etc. and accept it and help it flourish; help me flourish. "Living and loving it" that is the path I choose to take. Even if it's a "less traveled, even lonely at times" path. 03-02-06 Where is the year going?! Seems like such major things are happening. I'm not sure what emotions I am feeling at the moment. Maybe all of them. I guess this is what some consider a growth spurt in ones emotional being. Dad is really sick, he's much worse, it's hard to even talk about. I just want some people to automatically know. (like at work, volunteer organizations I volunteer for, etc.) Yet I need to talk about it. I have some great close friends and they are all supportive. I feel like this year will be a major year, major changes, etc. I can feel it in my bones. I know I am going to change this year. I guess it happent to us all. I think the last time this happened was about 5 years ago. It's time for me to grow some more. I'm looking forward to some of life's lessons; part of me is happy and interested, anxious even, but another part of me is sad and feels like something is slipping from my grasp and I can't hold on to it no matter how hard I try. Strange huh? That's change for ya....
04/13/06 - Wow is it getting warm?! Today is suppose to be 92! yesterday was so beautiful, about 77. Perfect weather! I'm not sure why I write here; it's a sort of living journal. I have things pop in my head and I don't have my 'hard back' journal at work with me, so I come here. I sometimes thought it was because of who might read it, but lately I realize it's mostly for me, if someone wants to read my rambles, great. but mailny its a place to ramble! I ramble so well :-). WELL starting next Tuesday night (thru Sun.) I will be on my own. Now what to do? What to plan? I am actually looking forward to the 'alone time' not sure if I will make a bunch of plans or not! I have an acceptance dinner to go to next saturday, but other than that I am thinking about not planning much! I'm sure things will pop up though, I need to see what events around town are happening! But doing whatever I want sounds good, maybe a hike, post more lyrics! lol. Maybe just breath and see what it's like to have my own space. Do some 'me' stuff. Maybe keep posting things on ebay! :-) Like I said, just go with the flow, breath, live, laugh, do what I want! I breath and laugh even when I'm not on my own, but there is something about being on your own and just doing whatever pops in your head; it's renewing and carefree! :-) 04/11/06 Well...Job interview went well I think! We'll see, they had over 100 resumes, so I am not holding my breath, but I feel hopeful. If it is meant to be it will happen. Now just sit and wait. Might have info on "round 2" interviews sometime next week. I'm calm about this, surprisingly calm. I really feel good about it, but I won't be too upset if it falls through, I will understand and keep volunteering for them. (now repeat 10 times til you believe!) :-) No i'm really being logical about it all. If this does'nt work out I will look for another job that is meaningful. At least I have a job right now !? I'm hopeful about a lot of things lately. One day at a time! 04/06/06 - Change is really starting to happen! I love it though. I'm kinda nervous about all the change happening, but the first major change is kinda exciting. I have a job interview next week for a place I volunteer for! Would be a dream job I think. I am really hoping I get it. Been doing a lot of thinking and trying to plan what I want to do this summer, what I want to accomplish, I want to travel more. I am content with travelling alone, if that is way it has to be, but I would love to share it with someone. There are things you learn about yourself and about others that can only be shared while travelling out of your 'normal comfort zone'. Or so I believe anyway. I want that feeling.... I feel more like me than I ever have before. I know not all change is bad. I'm ready to embrace it and make the most out of it. Why not?! I'm not going to give up on me or the dreams I have, I'm starting to put things in motion, plans that I have dwelled on far too long, I can travel where I want, if I just focus and save, etc. I can do this! Life will always have sitbacks and unexpected events, we can either sit and dwell on those or we can keep living, I'm going to keep living. Life is so precious.
