February, 2003

Dear _____________,

We need to clarify a few things.

If I feel like letting a girl kiss me, it doesn't mean you get to watch. If I'm talking about another guy in your presence, suck it up. I am not in love with you, nor am I dead. If you don't look cute enough on Monday, don't fucking complain about seeing me with someone else on Tuesday. I don't whine about that girl you work with, and even though she is ugly and wears tacky earrings, you are free to screw her all you want.

Also, do not introduce me to your family. I'm sure they're very nice people, but we're not serious. I don't even like you. I like your gay friend better, but he has a crush on my brother, so I've decided to move on.

Unless I specifically say "Get naked," don't. Men are generally unattractive when stripped of material possessions. Actually, I think I prefer your Rolex to you, even though I know it's a knockoff and you lied to me and should die.

I am a fangirl. Live with it; I am. I will squee over fictional Japanese men. I will draw fictional Japanese men. I will write about fictional Japanese men. I will profess my undying love for fictional Japanese men. And until I meet a guy who can compare to a fictional Japanese man, I guess I'll keep you around because batteries are too expensive. Except, you're only human, and I'd like to live by European standards and actually enjoy sex, so don't be surprised if that jacket you found in my room ends up belonging to your brother.

I do not want children. Unless you're willing to give birth, don't bother coming up with cute names. I will laugh at you, and then tell all my friends you have a small penis.

Don't ask me if I think hair is important. I do. If you get bald, I will be embarrassed to be seen with you. If I find myself attached to you as I would to a puppy (or if I need one of your kidneys), I might buy you a toupee, though it will be of poor quality, and I will seek out your brother, because he is young and hairy.

I will try to stay focused because you amuse me at the moment, but I am not monogamous. I am irresponsible and childish, and possibly insane. I will not cry over you, though I might cry if you wear that ugly shirt again.

If I want sex, I'm going to have it, whether it's with you or not. My neighbor is cute and has a big house. I will not apologize or feel guilty, but I will probably buy you a muffin and lie.

If you call and no one answers, it's 'cause I have caller ID, moron. I am lazy and probably don't want to hear about your stupid day. My day was stupider, but you don't see me calling you every five minutes. I swear, you're worse than my creditors, and I sometimes hate you.

If I'm stuck at school on Tuesday nights because Biology gets canceled, I will not call you. I will walk across campus until I find [name omitted], because he is the prettiest boy I've ever met, and even though he's as dumb as you, I'm attracted to him. If you do not hear from me by Friday, consider me gone.

I am smart. I know I talk about cartoons a lot, but life's fucking short. I can talk about whatever I want. I don't complain when you talk about coffee and coffee, and sometimes coffee. When I squee over manga, you will pretend I'm talking about important political issues. I'm not going to mind if you just nod and smile. But if I ask you who Miroku is, you better know his life history, and his influence on current events.

Speaking of current events, if I hear you're supporting Bush, I will cut off your penis and sell it to Fox as the basis for a new reality series.

Also, if you accuse me of being anorexic one more time, I will sleep with your brother.

Don't expect me to kiss you after you eat. God invented Trident for a reason. You have a job, you can afford it. If I refuse to kiss you in any other situation it's probably because:

a) I've just finished reading a doujinshi where Youko Kurama sacrifices his sanity, health, and ultimately life, just so Hiei and Botan can get out of Makai safely, and all you did today was drink beer and shoot pixelated deer, you lazy son of a bitch;

b) I've just finished worshipping Ketty's Inuyasha art, where Sesshoumaru and Naraku are naked and pretty and gay, and frankly, find you quite ordinary and repulsive in comparison;

c) You said something that upset me earlier, but I can't quite remember at the moment, so I'm sulking;

d) A cute guy is checking me out and I don't want him to think I have a boyfriend;

e) I don't want to ruin my lipstick. It cost eight bucks. It is worth more than you;

I'm a decent painter. You can't even draw stick figures. In fact, your stick figures have scarred me for life. I'm a decent writer. You misspelled the word "dinner". I can play the keyboard. You can't even hum Greensleeves. (You should be shot.) If I tell you I don't want to go out because I'm drawing, it's true. Photoshop 6.0 is more interesting than you. Besides, you always put butter on my popcorn.

If I tell you to say hi to your brother, do it. I wasn't joking when I said I wanted to see him naked.

I find Jackie Chan cute. You will not insult his English. If I catch you booing the screen, I will sic my dog on you. He has not been neutered. You, however, will be.

I have boobs. You've seen them. They're not magical. Do not grope them in public, unless I explicitly tell you to. Don't leave in a huff if I slip up and call you Ginta. After all, I'd prefer if he was the one unhooking my bra, so deal.

I write. If I tell you to read my stuff, you should. I will not force you to read, but there will be a quiz.

If I say Hugh Grant is hot, you will agree. If I ask you whether you find Sandra Bullock sexy, you will say yes. If I want to watch a romantic comedy, you're paying. We will not, however, hold hands because yours get sweaty and people could see us.

Sincerely,

Sandra

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws