Tim Hunter came onto the ice and gave the I-O staff a wake-up call by ricocheting a puck off the glass directly in front of I-O staffers Dubs and Jazz. Craig Billington decided to skate around the rink under his own power today (no zamboni ride), but the mite-on-ice waved a pleasant good morning to the ladies.
I-O staffer Emmaroo was late as always, and instead of the usual flogging, the other staffers demanded that she be cordial to the manwhore. (Note: she will never be late again. EVER.) However, in her possession, she carried a nice card for Mr. Halpern--from the entire staff of I-O--to let him know that even though he has SUCKED lately, we still supported him. (No manwhore references were made in said card, though it took a lot of willpower.) Said card featured a dog jumping in mid-air over a vacuum cleaner on the outside, reading" no news here..." Inside: "Just trying to avoid things that suck." Staffers signed said card with well wishes and encouragment ("we're in your corner", "good things happen to good people", and "you don't suck") using their screen names, assuredly leaving the manwhore to wonder why Cote had given him a card. Staffer Em then wrapped the card in saran wrap (hey, it was raining people)--with a note on the outside to assure Jeff it did not contain anthrax--and skipped outside, placing the card under the windshield wiper of Halpern's shiny new green Yukon.
Speaking of the manwhore, his ass was 10 minutes late getting on the ice, so his actual practice time was five minutes, which included a stretch and one drill. This did not instill confidence in the I-O staffers for tonight's fourth line.
Speaking of people having short practices, Jaromir Jagr left after ten minutes on the ice today. "I guess that's how it is when you're the king," said Tim Hunter (in previous conversations).
To the delight of the I-O staff, defenseman Sergei Gonchar was on the ice practicing. Also practicing was d-man Joe Reekie, who laughed hysterically after he missed a shot and then subsequently rang the iron with his next shot. No Reekielaps today, though, because no laps were performed by the team.
Not only is Jaromir Jagr having a profound effect on our offense, but his bizarre fashion sense has also affected many of the Caps on-ice, as they now tuck the back of their jerseys into their bloomers. This fashion trend can also be experienced during games by B-52 and Dainius Zubrus.
Jazz is a wonderful fan who brought cookies for the staff as well as the players. More info on player/coach reactions in later sections.
Goaltender Craig Billington continues to amuse the I-O staff on ice. Today, he struck the "teenage girl on the phone" stance (see Jazz for an explanation), lying on his stomach and propping up his head on his hand. He also made fun of Chris Ferraro and coaches Tim Army and Tim Hunter after he stoned them in an after practice practice.
Jeff Halpern exited next, saying a stiff "how's it going" to the trio as he and his manwhore afro made their way around the building to his car. He never waved or acknowledged the fact that I-O staffers had treated him with respect and kindness. NEVER AGAIN.
Wingers Peter Bondra and Jaromir Jagr exited almost simultaneously, and it gave I-O great pleasure to diss Jaromir Jagr in lieu of the Peter the Great, who NEVER comes out the main door. I-O staffer Em scared the crap out of Bondra in her surprise, as she screamed, "ohmygod, it's Peter Bondra!!" then yelled across the parking lot to staffer Dubs, "Bring the damn jersey over here!" Bondra was supremely nice about waiting for Dubs to get there, and he was pleasant and sweet about signing the autograph. He was also very gracious for the laud the staff gave him on his most recent accomplishment (tying for the franchise leader of goals scored).
Joe Reekie was ever the pleasant man today, smiling and pausing to speak to the I-O trio. Em was beaming with the Reekieluv!.
Rookie Matt Pettinger promised the I-O staff a hat trick tonight against the Canes. Rookie Mike Farrell, a favorite among I-O staffers, was nice enough to walk back across the parking lot to sign Em's jersey. (He also smelled really good, as we don't mind sniffing him.)
Olie Kolzig is a great guy. 'Nuff said. But I-O is thinking of buying him a thigh master for Christmas ("squeeze! squeeze!").
The UPS man made another appearance at the rink today, and inquired about the picture he had taken with I-O staffer Em, promising his adoring fan that he would autograph it for her the next time he saw her.
Steve Konowalchuk is a great guy. 'Nuff said.
Craig Billington has been doing some sleuthing of his own, remarking when he came out, "I see you guys up there taking notes, what are you guys, scouting?" I-O staffers replied, "Yes, we are scouting for Portland--we'll takeJeff Halpern." Tim Hunter found the exact same comment with regards to Halpern to be mean. Oh well, the truth hurts.
Chris Simon again leaned towards the I-O staff's pleas of beating up Igor Ulanov in exchange for some Samoas. It is I-O's belief that the tides may soon turn in our favor.
Coach Ron Wilson was the low-class driver today, arriving and leaving in a "measly" Jeep Grand Cherokee. (The wife must be driving the Jaguar.) However, he must have felt "down to the level" of I-O staffers due to his ride, as he managed to smile and greet us before we could speak first this time.
Rookie Stephen Peat complained that he didn't get any cookies, as the others had eaten them all up before he could get any. It was later disclosed by Tim Hunter that an unnamed player had actually taken the cookies home with him before everyone could get seconds.
Chris Ferraro assured I-O staffers that his brother Peter has no tattooes anywhere on his body. It was then concluded that the naked Cap featured in "the video" must be Brendan Witt. Ferraro also commented that there were "a lot of naked Caps" running around back there.
Tim Hunter was cordial and chatty as always. When asked AGAIN if he was going fishing due to the tan outdoor vest he wore, he replied, "No, I'm going hunting." He then admitted that he does not hunt, to I-O staffers Dubs' pleasure.
Hunter also commented that Olie was a great guy for including the Pentagon on his mask, stating that he was the only team member to recognize the event in such a way. Hunter then commented, "Yeah, the other guys are really lame when it comes to stuff like that." After telling the staffers the debacle with the cookies, he excused himself so that he could go get a haircut. I-O staffers asked him to take Brendan Witt with him.
HONORABLE MENTION: Peter Bondra, for not freaking out when I-O staffer Em freaked out in his presence.
HONORABLE MENTION: Jeff Halpern, just because.