You will find that today's practice report is short-sided on the Inside, and long-winded on the Outside. That's the way things go these days, people. You will also find a new section entitled, "Fashion Funk"--which players are exhibiting an off-ice funk in their fashion apparel. This section will replace the "Pants Watch Unit" we had previously established for one fashion victim, Capitals defenseman (?) Sergei Gonchar.
On to the report, as given by staff members Dubs and Em.
A.C. Tim Hunter seemed happy to see both Em and Dubs, who had not attended practice since November something-or-other. He smiled and waved at Dubs, and banged his stick on the glass when Em arrived. They both smiled and waved, then promptly forgot to take notes on what was going on on the ice.
C Trent Whitfield tried to show off his on-ice abilities during a drill, scoring on G Craig Billington when no one else could get a puck past him. However, during the empty net drills, Whitfield couldn't score to save his dying guinea pig.
I-O staffers were pleased to see Capitals wingers Peter Bondra, Jaromir Jagr, Steve Konowalchuk, and Ulf Dahlen on the ice for practice, along with injured defenseman Brendan Witt. All five were skating drills, and Kono even stayed after to continue practicing after everyone else had left. I-O staffers were surprised to see Kono's inability to "get it up" on Biller today; as Kono dropped a few f-bombs with regard to said inability, D Joe Reekie assured him it was a sign he was regaining his "Capital legs".
Speaking of players dropping the f-bomb, as LW Matt Pettinger dropped a large one after not scoring on Biller, I-O staffer Dubs commented, "No, f*cking hasn't worked for Jeff Halpern this season, Matt, so don't try it!"
Speaking of f*cking, Jeff Halpern was quite the "luvah" on ice today, getting his squeezes in on Matt Pettinger and having what resembled a mini make-out session with Ulf Dahlen in the penalty box. I-O staffers realized that Halpern missed his linemates, but perhaps we didn't realize to what degree...
Not one to be overshadowed by the luvah, Biller made sure to turn in his one rock solid performance today against the manwhore, stoning him in a drill with his catching glove. This was enough to bring momentous cheers from the I-O staffers.
Short-shifter Puffnuts came onto the ice for five minutes, left for another five minutes, and then returned to the ice for the final drill before leaving again before everyone else. In other words, he had a standard Puffnuts practice.
Dmitri Kristich and Andrei Nikolishin were the first to exhibit the silent "what are they DOING in there?" looks at the I-O duo. However, they continued on their way with smiles and thanks for the well wishes.
Sergei Gonchar exited from the building shortly after, and received high praise and lies from staffer Em. She commented to Gonchar that "he was playing really well" lately, which I-O would like to note would be true, were he a winger.
Kenny Klee is not just a player, he's also a fan. He left practice carrying more than a dozen Wives' Calendars, and took a compliment home from staffer Em, who commented, "Kenny, your wife is so cute!"
Dainius Zubrus was not only cordial today, but he spoke slowly and loudly to the I-O duo. Em yelled, "HI ZUBIE!" and he yelled in return, "HEY GUYS!" He also promised a hat trick for tonight's game. I-O staffer Dubs believes all the screaming in today's "outside" portion was due to the music playing in Em's car.
Trent Whitfield exited the building, and staffer Dubs asked him to sign something for her, which was in her purse, in the front seat of Em's car. After waiting for about five minutes, I-O staffers realized they had nothing for him to sign the cards WITH, so they sent him along his merry way without him signing anything. Dubs would like to note that Trent's new truck sucks and it's ugly.
I-O staffers were still laughing about the aforementioned incident with Trent when Jeff Halpern exited the buildling. All three fell silent immediately, and the thick silence continued until he passed around the corner to his truck, when I-O staffers began laughing and shaking their heads. If JH had glanced into the I-O car as he exited the parking lot, he would have seen a couple of gloved middle fingers waving "goodbye" to him.
Staffer Em launched her own atomic snot blast in the parking lot, much to the dismay of staffer Dubs.
Joe Reekie was in a fabulous mood today, also entering into a screaming match with Em about how he was doing. He threw a queer look in the direction of the I-O staffers crammed into the back of Em's car. After returning from signing autographs for a few kids, he came back over to the I-O moblie and asked the question of the day, saying it "didn't look like we were having much fun." After assuring him that we were, staffer Em invited him to come join them, to which Reekie replied, "I don' t think there's enough room for me!" He was right, but his butt would have been easier to fit than Jaromir "Ghetto Booty" Jagr's.
Newcomer cutie Colin Forbes was welcomed into the "scared by Em" fold today, as Em tried to get his attention since Dubs wanted a picutre with him. After recovering from his heart attack when Em screamed, "COLIN!!!", he came over to the car and graciously posed for a picture with Dubs. (Dubs is in love.) He was also very sweet and thankful for the welcome, laud, and blah blah blah he received from I-O staffers. Newcomers J.F. Fortin and Todd Rohloff snuck out behind Forbes, and therefore, I-O staffer Dubs did not get to harass J.F. about his mistake in the previous game.
Stephen Peat is a fighter. Yeah, that's about it. I-O staffers called him over to ask him a few questions about Portland, since they will be traveling there in two weeks, and he was less than helpful to them. When asked what there was to do in the area, Peat replied, "I don't know--I didn't do anything up there." He then asked, "Do you mean like going out, clubs and stuff?" Em replied, "There are clubs in Portland?" Peat answered, "Not really." Thanks Peaty. Dubs told Peat that the fan chants for him were requesting that he fight in the games, and he said, "I scored a goal, what else do they want?" (Fighting. They want fighting, moron.)
I-O staffers consider themselves to be easy-going and friendly, in the right circumstances and towards people that don't annoy the crap out of them. Such circumstances existed today, as they made a new friend in Assistant Athletic Trainer Tim Clark. He walked out of the building and promptly asked the Question of the Day (see title of section). He then asked us if we were coming to Florida with the team on Saturday, to which we replied, "No, but we're going to Portland in two weeks!" After telling him why ("well, half of Portland is up here, so we're going to go see the OTHER half"), I-O asked him if they could take Jeff Halpern back to Portland with them; Tim's reply was a definite "yes." He then offered us a ride on the plane down to Florida tomorrow night. He came over to the I-O mobile multiple times to chat about his job, wearing shorts and being cold, and the names of the equipment guys on staff. He also commented that he likes Puddle of Mudd, so he's a-okay with Em.
Frank Costello also asked the Question of the Day, and was then surprised when staffer Dubs told him, "There's a draft blowing up my pants!" "Is this good or bad?" Frank wondered. Dubs assured him it was NOT good. Massage therapist Curt Millar, not to be left out in the cold, also asked the QOD, inquiring if we were "selling something out the back of the car." Em offered to sell him her Kit Kat bar, but Curt declined, noting that we needed to eat "protein bars." Dubs had had one earlier, and Em (having tried it) assured him the Kit Kat was far better.
A.C. Tim Hunter seemed excited to see I-O staffers, standing outside in the cold for a good ten minutes to chat with them about everything. He encouraged the staffers with the news that there was plenty of room for them on the team plane to join them that evening. He chatted about the Caps cruise ("I wasn't invited to participate, but it's too expensive anyway"); fishing in Alaska ("it's so awesome up there with the glaciers..."); his daughters ("this is me" *sticks his arms out to his sides* "I'm just the money tree"), his first car ("it was worth $700"), which was a '76 Chevy that is older than 2/3rds of the I-O trio; and his tiring days as a coach ("I should just hand the exo-sketch to the guys and say, 'here, watch yourselves, I'm busy'"). Staffer Em asked if he could tell Jeff Halpern to stop being such an asshole to them, and after a little conversation, staffer Dubs added, "well, he IS having a bad year." Tim replied, "yeah, that's true!" On the same subject, Em said, "Can we PLEASE take him back to Portland with us?" to which Tim replied, "he's not THAT bad." Em and Dubs agreed that it was from OUR angle, but Tim said that his angle was a pretty good judge as well.
Not only regulars at the Orchard "Orchid" Cafe, I-O staffers now even receive phone calls there. Also, I-O would like to note that they encountered the famous UPS man again today, and he was excited to receive his picture with staffer Em. His name is also Tim.
Jaromir "Puffnuts" Jagr left driving a new Mercedes, as had been noted by a fellow practice-goer the other day. I-O was surprised that he left driving a sedan and not a sports car. Wimp.
Jaromir Jagr would like to be crowned the "fashion king" off the ice AND on; however, with the silver and black dress loafers he was wearing with jeans and no socks, we defer said title to someone more worthwhile. What, $122,000 a game and he can't afford socks?
Jeff Halpern, never known as the best dresser on the team, left sporting the latest horrid version of the white man half-fro, with only half of his hair combed. I-O will be accepting donations to buy Jeff some hair gel and a clue.
Olie Kolzig is an awesome guy, but a dapper dresser he is not. He would otherwise not make the list, but he tucks his t-shirts into his pants and pulls his belted jeans up under his armpits a la famous TV dork Steve Urkel. How could we leave him off?
Brendan Witt should trade in his Jaguar for a motorized scooter, as his orange detachable wind pants leave him looking less like a famous hockey player and more like a Tony Hawk protege.
HONORABLE MENTION: Tim Hunter, for being tired and slaphappy today. He was hilarious.
WHO'S SNOT: Jeff Halpern. We should never have to give a reason for this.
HONORABLE MENTION: Jeff Halpern, just because.