WARNINGS: DuoxHeero, Quatre’s POV, Death fic. Continuation of Merry Christmas

Sweet Agony

By: Skylar Inari

March

A.C. 196

We’ve lost him now. Ever since Heero died we’ve been keeping a close watch on Duo to make sure he didn’t follow the same route his lover did. And guess what? He did eventually take the same route. The moment we let our watch slide, he left us.

As far as we can determine he simply sat himself down in the middle of the road and waited there in the pouring rain for a car to hit him. And one eventually did, after all it was a rainy night and he does wear black.

Yes. We were stupid to let him go out alone but we were getting tired of having to follow him around all the time and it was beginning to stress us out more than the missions. Besides, he seemed like he was starting to recover. He’d smile every now and then and even poke fun at Wufei. So what else could we do? We couldn’t continue to act as nurse maids forever you know, but still.

It’s my first day out of bed since Duo decided to kill himself. I blame myself for his death. I should have gone with him I should have been there to comfort him. Trowa and Wufei are both worried about me. I can see it in their eyes. They don’t want me to follow the same path as Duo and Heero both did. They don’t want me to die.

Whenever I look in a mirror now I see a stranger. One who is too thin to be me and who’s eyes reflect nothing but sorrow and pain. Yet I know that is what I’ve become. I’m a pale, weak version of what I used to be. I’m wasting away and the worst part about this is that I don’t even care enough about my life to try to save it anymore.

I think that’s what bother’s Trowa the most. I’m fading away right before his eyes and he can’t do anything to stop it. Well, that’s not true. They force me to eat and exercise, but you can’t make the unwilling live, so little by little I fade.

They truly don’t understand all the guilt I feel. I’m the most sensitive of the group and that makes me feel even worse about not being able to stop Duo from killing himself. I should have seen it coming, but I didn’t, and now I don’t want to live because I failed in what I feel was my duty to protect and make sure they stay alive.

I hate myself for failing. Not once, but twice. Duo didn’t blame me for Heero’s death but I do. I never told him that because he’d have just laughed it off and told me to stop blaming myself. Well, I can’t and the pain I felt at losing Heero has now been painfully amplified with the loss of Duo also. I will die to atone for what I feel is my fault.

The pen I use to write now is becoming heavier. I’ve gotten that weak. Sometimes it scares me. Other times I find it most interesting to observe how weak a body can get before it leaves this world. I don’t tell Trowa and Wufei that. It would just worry them more and even as weak as I am and how determined to die I wish to cause them the least amount to pain possible.

Why? I don’t know. I guess it’s because I’m still a gentle person and I know that losing me shall be very difficult for them to face. I think that’s because I’ve never lost hope before, I’ve always been the one to hope for the best and now all I want to do die.

Trowa’s coming down the hall now. I guess that means it is time for supper. They still won’t let me out of my room, and they’ve taken away anything that’s even remotely sharp. Except this pencil, I asked to keep it and they let me, provided I promised not to kill myself with it. I’ll keep that promise. I can’t lie, even now I can’t do that.

So why haven’t they made me promise not to kill myself period? Simply because when they ask that I refuse to answer. I will kill myself, all that’s left now is how.

He’s opening the door. I don’t want Trowa to come in. I want to be left alone to wither away, which is why they won’t leave me alone for more than an hour.

I have to stop writing now. If he sees this, they’ll never let me go anywhere by myself and I don’t want to lose what little freedom I am still allowed. However, before I go there is one more thing I want to write.

I want to die outside. In the sweet agony my friends have sentenced me to.

~owari~

Okay, that’s it! *turns SD and grabs a hammer out of nowhere* Out you demons of angst! Out! Out!