WARNINGS: Deathfic, Duo POV

Merry Christmas

By: Skylar Inari

December 24th

A. C. 195

He's dead. I still can't beleive it myself. I never thought that he the "Perfect Soldier" would actually kill himself. Oh, I know he tried more than a few times but......he had always seemed to be as permanent as the rocks.

Come to think of it however, rock isn't permanent. It withers away with the passing of the season's under the torrent of nature's whimsical gifts of destruction.

Was that what he was like? Did this ongoing - and seemingly never ending- war finally reduce the rock to rubble? I will always wonder why he did't seek protection from the storms that wracked his spirit until he used such extreme measures as so that he could never return.

My english teachers would be proud. I've used more metaphors and similies in this entry than I have ever used in their assigned work.

I hate death.

Maybe that comes from being an orphan at such an early age because the fucking Alliance wouldn't supply the vaccine to the sickness that ravaged my colony to people they considered useless.

Do you know something? It's Christmas Eve. It's the most wonderful time of the year and you, you idiot just had to go and ruin it for me.

I've never had a real Christmas before and now, I don't think I'll ever be able to because every Christmas after this I shall be filled with this useless anger at not being able to stop you from killing yourself.

Do I sound selfish? I hope so. God knows that I'm trying hard enough to be.

I wish you'd answer this for me. Did you ever once consider the idea that some people might actually care for you?

I don't think you did. Why? Because if you had you probably wouldn't have thrown your life away so needlessly. At least.........I hope so. I don't think that even you could be so cold-hearted as to eliminate yourself if you knew it would cause pain to others.

You hated hurting others. I know that seems odd, but really if you think about it it isn't. Ever since you told me about that little girl and her puppy I've known.

So...........now what am I supposed to do? I feel so empty coming back from a mission and not hearing you tap away at your laptop. I even miss the sound of your snoring. Yes, you did snore. I didn't make that up.

I love you.

Does that shock you? Are you up in heaven with your hand to your mouth in shock? It's true. I've known for quite awhile. I just didn't want to get you killed because of the Maxwell curse. But, you managed to do that all by yourself didn't you?

I know that you didn't think you'd go to heaven when you died. But, I disagree with that. I think that God looks for the pureness of the soul, not the breaks and tears embedded in it. And you had one of the purest souls I've ever seen. That's why you must be in heaven.

I'm babbling now. I always babble to you. The sad part about it now is that you are dead and I'm still babbling to you. Only you can't tell me to shut up anymore or threaten to kill me just one more time.

I'm crying. I swore I wouldn't cry. Boys don't Cry. That's my mantra, I don't think it was yours. It's even more true though when you are a fifteen year-old terrorist. It wouldn't do to let the bad guys see you hurt.

I still don't understand. Why did you kill yourself? Did the pain of hiding your tears finally overwhelm you? You could've cried on my shoulder. I wouldn't have told anybody. I can keep my mouth shut - regardless of popular opinion.

I'm going around in circles now. I hate doing that. But since the answers I want can only come from you circles are the only way I can travel with this train of thought.

I'll just stop writing now.........I've said everything that really needs to be said. Oh, except one thing.

Merry Christmas, Heero.

~owari~

<blinks> Where did that come from?