In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, I just never got around to it.

There will always be death and taxes, however, death doesn't get worse every year.

I DON'T GET EVEN. I GET ODDER.

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

- MASSACHUSETTS STATE MOTTO HOME OF THE YOUNG GIRLS FROM NANTUCKET

Can I trade this job for what's behind door # 2?

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I get the same effect by just standing up too fast.

If you're going to lay around the house and drink beer all day, you gotta start early in the morning.

To all you virgins: Thanks For Nothing!

If we quit voting, will they all go away?

ONCE YOU'RE OVER THE HILL YOU PICK UP SPEED

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now!

Don't start vast projects with half-vast ideas.

If marriages were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

All men are idiots, And I married their king.

And your crybaby whiney-assed opinion would be...?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

MEETINGS A practical alternative to work.

So Many Cats So Few Recipes

NEVER KICK A FRESH COW CHIP ON A HOT DAY

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

KENNEDY COMPOUND KEEP OUT Trespassers will be violated

A picture is worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times the memory

Unless you are the lead dog the view never changes.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

Without C++ We would have to program in Basi and Pasal

The Village called. They're missing their idiot.

Digitarians are members of the First Church of Binary Science.

DRIVER CARRIES NO MONEY He's Married

Tell Me again how lucky I am to work here. I keep forgetting.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.

SITUATION DESPERATE! Send Chocolate.

If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it.

How long is this beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?

-bumper sticker-

Horn broken. watch for finger.

INSTANT HUMAN

(Just Add Coffee)

For Sale -- Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

Chaos, Panic and Disorder! My work here is done.

1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis movies. 1975 - 2002: Nothing.

Grow your own dope Plant a man !

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

Televangelists: The pro wrestlers of religion.

- NEW HAMPSHIRE STATE MOTTO - ALMOST AS EXCITING AS VERMONT

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

STOP REPEAT OFFENDERS! Don't Re-elect Them.

The statement below is true. The statement above is false.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

Jesus is coming! Look busy.

Cleanliness is next to "clean and jerk" in the dictionary.

To err is human To forgive is to err

Si Hoc Legere Scis Nimium Eruditionis Habes

It's not hard to meet expenses, They're everywhere.

DON'T SQUAT WITH YOUR SPURS ON

Think of the lottery as a tax break for the intelligent.

Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.

Two wrongs do not make a right. But three lefts do.

ATHEISM: A non-prophet organization.

Who are these kids and why do they call me "Mom"?

- RHODE ISLAND STATE MOTTO - SIZE ISN'T EVERYTHING

- bumper sticker - If a woman's place is in the home why am I always in this car!

Moosehead: A great beer and A new experience for a moose.

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

If you run out of sick days, call in dead.

186,000 mps: it's not just a good idea -- it's the law!

1.799 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight: 'Tis a grand Idea, and it doth be the Law.

If you hold a UNIX Shell up to your ear, can you hear the C?

Where there's smoke, there's dinner.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

All true wisdom is found on t-shirts.

Digital circuits are made from analog parts.

How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

One-Seventh of your life will be spent on Mondays.

Hello? Front Desk? Some guy named Gideon left his bible here.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

I got a sweater for Christmas. What I really wanted was a screamer or a moaner.

If there is no god, who pops up the next kleenex?

DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - BAN COUNTRY MUSIC -

Dyselxics Have More Nuf.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park elsewhere!

Hard work never killed anyone, But why chance it?

It's lonely at the top but you eat better.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on earth?

Failure is not an option! It comes bundled with the software.

The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

Evolution created anchovies. Man's ignorance put them on pizza.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Taxation WITH representation Ain't much fun either!

If Noah had been smart he would have swatted those two flies.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life. (unless I buy something)

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Welcome to Utah Set your watch back 20 years.

Life would be so much easier if we just had the source code.

I gave up smoking, drinking and sex. It was the worst fifteen minutes of my life.

Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.

The U.S. Congress 100 Senators; 435 Representatives; No Clues

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Hi, I'm bored, heavily armed and I have a bible.

To catch rabbits, Hide behind a bush and do carrot calls.

Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday 23% Tuesday 40% Wednesday 20% Thursday 5% Friday

I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect.

Question: Which is worse, Ignorance or Apathy? Answer: I don't know and I don't care.

I FOUND JESUS! He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana,

How come we have to choose from just 2 persons for president, and 50 for Miss America?

PATRONS ARE REQUESTED TO REFRAIN FROM DISPOSING OF THIER CIGARETTE BUTTS IN THE URINAL AS THEY BECOME SOGGY AND DIFFICULT TO LIGHT.

Power corrupts and absolute power is kinda neat.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE Sometimes I even put it in the food.

If life serves you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

God Made Pot. Man Made Beer. Who Do You Trust?

Preserve the Spotted Owl (in formaldehyde)

- customer service notice - Helen Waite is now in charge of all rush orders. If you are in a hurry, just go to Helen Waite.

No one ever says, "It's only a game." when their team is winning.

I still miss my ex. but my aim is getting better!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

I Live in my own little world, But it's OK, Everyone knows me here.

It's a small world so you have to use your elbows a lot.

If a thing is worth doing it would have been done already.

If your voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?

Stop the Slaughter! Boycott Baby Oil!

When things look dark, hold your head up high so it can rain up your nose.

WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.

It may be your sole purpose in life to simply serve as a warning to others.

News Item: It was announced today that Fairchild Electronics will be merging with Honeywell Computers. The new company will be called Fairwell Honeychild.

Gargling twice a day is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

I can't rememember whether I'm the good twin or the evil twin.

SOME DAYS IT'S JUST NOT WORTH GNAWING THROUGH THE STRAPS.

People who say you can't buy happiness just don't know where to shop.

Join the army Travel the world, Meet interesting people And kill them.

Money does grow on trees. It's just that the banks own all the branches.

A marine biologist developed a species of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

GOD IS LOVE. LOVE IS BLIND. Ray Charles is Blind. therefore, Ray Charles is God.

Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things.

24 hours in a day 24 beers in a case Coincidence? I think not!

If we weren't meant to eat animals then why are they made of meat?

Ham and Eggs A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime comittment for a pig.

I was only looking at your nametag, honest!

ILLINOIS the land of the voting dead

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

I spent most of my money on whisky, women and cigarettes. The rest I just wasted.

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

emordnilap is palindrome spelled backwards.

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES USE BIRTHCONTROL

They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

WELCOME TO VIRGINIA Two Hundred Years of History Unimpeded by Progress

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

After all that work, Alex Haley found out he was adopted.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?

When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine, "Fred".

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

If your kids ask where all the money went, show 'em the video tapes.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

when blondes have more fun do they know it?

Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.

money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't Drink and Drive You might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't suceed skydiving is not for you.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Time's fun when you're having flies. ......Kermit the Frog

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Police station toilet stolen ....Cops have nothing to go on.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

One good thing about alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

Jesus saves sinners and redeems them for cash and valuable prizes.

Friends don't let friends take home ugly women.

But, what if I want the one in the bush?

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi

Gaseous clouds have been detected around Uranus.

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

GUN CONTROL: using both hands

The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company.

Remember: FIRST you pillage, THEN you burn.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you even tried.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

Remember, half the people in the world are below average.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

Blood is thicker than water and tastier, too.

Endless Love: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.