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NAVIGATION
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.:Hate:.
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for every creak
heard outside these walls
hearts drop
inside the floating fortress that is
my mind
they say
that is
they have always said
there's something wrong inside
these four walls
that protect me
and keep angels alive inside my heart
and to that i have always cried foul
but jesus
fights to be a saviour yet again
as i wonder
who is this angel of light
masquerading inside my soul
and why does he clutch at my heart
what an insatiable lust for my core
the cramps
the pains
the hatred for myself
the loathing and destruction
the way i'm bleeding on the inside
and the way i kill myself every night
i live a little less
and fight a little less
and my heart is a little less mine
and my veins are aa little less alive
as i have named my problems long ago
and the burdens are quite clear to my eyes
it seems
i've got the keys to someone else's life
and you wonder why
im falling apart
someone else's battle plan
executed by my bleeding hands
as for me
i still hate myself
i still kill myself
nightly
a knife
originally intended
for something far less vile than my heart
may be the only solution
to this nightmare attacking my soul
funny how i cringe at the thought of my flesh and my bone
rotting and decaying in front of my eyes
what a foul odour.. what a disgusting taste
and my mouth is sick of these cruelties
my lips are saddened by this pain
they tremble
quivering
wavering like a lone dock
on a desolate beach
one rope cut and gone
the other in your hands
and a furious current, like the loathing
that is unrelenting
and i destroy myself
i get in my life's way
for what reason and to what end
science has decided
it would be better off if i had never lived
funny how logical bullshit can be
as the best deceptioss are most certainly the angel's
and i am omst certainly
fading
away
hating
myself
every single day
where is the answer
where is the solution i crave
and like a thorn in the side of this world
the pain i bring must be met
however despised
with a certain degree
of tolerance
before
i'm thrown away
and now i know
inside these walls
that i stand alone
an arsonist trapped
in an old wodden shack
he set ablaze
alone
unaided
with nothing to lose..
April 2002
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Copyright© Murat Ates 2004
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