I am here...
but what is here?
Is here living?
Is it dying?
Or perhaps it is suffering.
In a world,
But is these a world?
A place ware suffering is most likely to happen,
But is these "world" a place in my mind?
Or is it reality?
It�s reality.
Pain is reality.
Suffering is reality.
The simplest things will drive someone of track....
Away from reality or....perhaps more to reality.
But maybe I could make these "world" a dream, a nightmare.
So that when I wake up it will only be a dream, a simple nightmare.
But it is only in my dreams that I not suffer.
But why must I go on then?
Why do I have to face reality every day?
Why is there so much pain?
I am to afraid of death.
I am a coward, to afraid to face....to afraid of death.
Why am I afraid of death?
Perhaps I am afraid because I don�t know what happens.
I am afraid because I don�t know if I would suffer more in hell/heaven then on earth.
But then what do I do?
Do I give up?
Or continue.
It is my choice, but do I have the right to make choices?
Whenever I do make a choice it ends up turning bad.
So
What do I do?
There is nothing at all.
No one will make the choice for me.
I am to afraid to make these choice.
I am Afraid
I am alone
And no one will help me
Will care to help me
Will care for me at all
But know I am sounding like I am feeling sorry for myself.
I shouldn�t feel these way
I can�t feel these way
I don�t have the right to
I don�t have the right to die
I don�t have the right to survive
I don�t have the right to love
I don�t have the right to do anything
I hate these
I wish reality wasn�t real

I want to be alone, not with other people
But at the same time, I cry desperately for them
Why is these?
Is it something in my mind that I don�t want to touch?
Or maybe it is something I don�t know for myself
Something I will never find out
But at the same time, I know why
Why is these I ask to myself A thousand times a day
It is because I want to escape from reality
I want to run away
Run away from my mind that thinks of the past
The past I never want to think about
The past that can only be raped out of my mind before you grasp it
What am I?
A person?
Another being on these �planet�?
Probably

Another person no one cares about
Another person that gets bad looks everyday
Of what I look like
Is these what it�s all about?
What I look like?
No
That isn�t it
It is something else I have yet to figure out
Just another Something I don�t want to think about
What else is there?
Anything?
Yes more, more pain
To much to grasp
So much to not want to get up from my bed everyday
I am not worthy to
I am not worthy of living
I am not worthy of putting on clothes
I am not worthy to have friends
I am not worthy of anything

That is why I should stop running away from reality
Stop giving myself pleasure in escaping from it
That is why I shouldn�t exist
In these �world� of pain
Why can�t it end?
Right know?
Why is �he� making me suffer?
Why?
Does he enjoy it?
To see me and perhaps others in pain?
Maybe there is no God
I am sure he wouldn�t put someone in these pain
I deserve hell
I deserve pain
I have caused enough of it
I am the one that is wrong

Always wrong
I am the one that hates everyone
I am the one that doesn�t like everybody
I deserve to go to hell then
To burn and suffer
But I am afraid
I am afraid of death
I am afraid of God
I am afraid of Heaven
I am afraid of Hell
I am afraid of everything
So why must these go on?
It seems like there is no pleasure
Anywhere
Maybe I should just do nothing
But what good will that do?
What good will anything do?
I just want end it all
But now I know
I know that I will not escape
I will never escape
So I
Am nothing To anything
Nothing at all
Just another person in the millions in the world
At least I could end these....not like my suffering
But I cant do that

Because I don�t want to face my father
I can see the mad and hatred in his eyes
I can�t blame him, I am a stubborn stupid little brat
But at the same time I don�t want him to stare at me like that
And that makes my cry
It makes me scared
I wanted so badly to run away
If there was a gun there I would have used it
Not on my father, but me
It was me that made that happen and it was my fault

So I am responsible
I am responsible for everything bad
My friends don�t care for me anymore
I wore the same thing everyday and I still do
I do it so that people don�t judge me
Say if I�m good or bad
But end the end, they think I am low
And nothing will ever change me
Why?
I Don�t know why
That is something I can�t explain
I can�t take these anymore
Why can�t anyone...someone help me
I am so stupid to think anyone could help me
No one understands me
I don�t understand myself
Why should I even help myself?
I should just forget it all
Just forget
Be like nothing
Be nothing
That�s what you are shinji
I hate my name
I shouldn�t have it capitalized
I shouldn�t have one at all!
I am.... no one

End...