Tomorrow
I�ve been meaning to do this for awhile � sit down and write. I just feel like I haven�t had the motivation, or the emotion to do so. Tonight I do. Hopefully what I�m writing will make some sense.
I had two conversations tonight with two people near and dear to my heart � Adam and Lauren. I had been sitting here, watching the video of AOL Sessions, Avril Lavigne singing �Things I�ll Never Say,� which is a song that brings back a lot of memories for me. When Chelsea and I broke up, I was trying to find things to occupy my time. When I was at home in Havertown, I�d be on AOL, and one night decided to watch the Sessions clip of Avril singing this song, and that�s when I fell in love with her and her music. Onto my point. During this time in my life, I was going through a transition. I was learning how to be independent on my own again, after having co-existed with Chelsea for almost two years. During this time, I was learning how to play the guitar, I made new friends, I got a new job, and I was trying to free myself from the ghosts that were left behind from my relationship. I went out a lot, whether it was going to Denny�s with Katie and Kathy at 1 am, I talked on the phone a lot, usually to Megan until about 3 or 4 when I had practicum at 7 am the next day. Adam and I began a tradition that carried into the summer where every Thursday he would come over, we�d play some guitar, go out to dinner at Dawson�s, then go to McShea�s and drink and come back to my house and play playstation or sit on my front step and play guitar and write songs. I never realized just how lucky I was to be able to do all that. For those few months, life was simple again. I don�t do hardly any of that anymore. Things have changed, we moved, the people who were there when Chels and I broke up have gone off, back into their own lives, while others remained. The summer came, I was working two jobs and taking three classes. I�d go down the shore now and then, we went on vacation, I�d spend hours online talking to people like Trish, Kate, and a friend whose identity still remains uncertain (don�t ask). I took three classes, and I can honestly say I never had more fun taking classes than I did last summer with the group of people I had classes with � they were the best. I loved it. I was happy, I was living a life where I didn�t really have to worry about much, because I was building myself back up � to what, I don�t know, all I know was that I was putting myself back together. Now that things are different, I miss that period in my life. As hard as the heartache was to deal with, it was possibly one of the best periods in my life, because I was living. I looked forward to the next day, and now I feel like I�m just kind of wasting away.
When September came around, new challenges hit, dealing with a certain person coming and going in and out of my life, I felt like I was falling in love again only to realize it was a farce, now I�m not sure what it was. I was student teaching, and I felt trapped. My heart wasn�t in it � I didn�t want to be there, and I was just going through the motions. I hated getting up in the morning going back to the school because I didn�t want to be there. Don�t get me wrong, I loved the kids, I just hated what I did. I kept thinking, �Here I am, months away from graduating, and I�m not sure I still want to do this.� I stuck it out though and finished. And now I look back and wonder what I could�ve done differently, and I look ahead and think, �Wow, there�s so much I still want to do.� Upon talking to Adam tonight, I was telling him that I missed our regular Thursday outings � it gave me something to look forward to each week, but now Adam�s out in the real world, and it�s busy season, and that�s the real world � as they say, life gets in the way now. I told Lauren that I wanted to travel, see some small towns, go back to Vegas, see California, and she realized as I do that as nice as that sounds, it takes financial backing, which not many people my age have right now. When we get real jobs, it�s not as easy as saying, �Today I�m going to pick up and go to�.� Because there will be a boss to answer to. We were talking about how all of our lives, we just wanted to grow up, to get out of high school, get into college, get out of college, and now, we look back and wish we could go back, make it last longer. I wish I hadn�t been in such a rush to grow up, because inside of me there�s a little kid that is still itching to see other things in this world, and I just hope that I get to see all of these things before it�s too late.
So what DO I want to do with my life? Who knows. I don�t think I HAVE to know at this point. I�ve always been the type to just kind of be a free spirit, go out to a diner at 1 am, decide I�m going to do things others wouldn�t normally do, and now I feel like sometimes I have this overwhelming sense that I�m too grown up to do some of those things. The truth is, you�re never too old to be yourself. If that�s who I am, and that�s what I loved to do, then I need to make myself continue to be who I am.
As some of you know things have been kind of tough around here lately, and I haven�t been very happy. Luckily for me, I have a few people in my life who remind me everyday just how lucky I am. And while there are many, there is just one person that I have to mention here. I can�t begin to tell you how lucky I am to have met my friend, Hannah. Without her, there were some days and nights that I just would never have gotten through. I�ve never had a friend like her before. Hannah has done things for me that no friend has ever done, and she has without a doubt the biggest heart of anyone that I know. The funniest thing is, Hannah and I have never met. We met online one day, a random IM from seeing a name on Bandaids, and since then, my life has changed for the better. At one point this summer, one of my friends just left, disappeared, and I thought she was never coming back. A few days later, she reappeared and I said, �I didn�t think I�d talk to you again.� She said, �I wouldn�t have, if it hadn�t been for your friend Hannah.� Hannah had emailed my friend, told her how upset I was that I�d lost her, and told her what a good person I am. When I heard that, a tear fell from my eye because I had never, ever, had anyone do anything like that for me before. That�s just one example of all of the amazing things that she�s done for me. She�s always there when I need her, we can sit and talk about the dumbest things and have the best time, and I am just so lucky to have a friend like her in my life. Without her, I don�t think I would�ve made it through some of the hardest times over the past couple of months. And I know she�s out there reading this, so I want her to know that I love her more than anything in this world, and that thank you doesn�t nearly express my gratitude for everything she�s done.
How do I close this out? There�s a line in the song, �When the Sand Runs Out,� by the Rascal Flatts, and it says, �I�m gonna stop looking back and start moving on, and learn how to face my fears, love with all of my heart and make my mark, I wanna leave something here�� and it makes me think every time I hear it � I do want to start moving on, and I want to be able to feel like I�m �living� again. I think I finally realized that I have every right to travel somewhere when I want to go (if I can afford it), and I have every right to do things that will make me happy. I also realize that while I can�t go back to those times that I miss, everyday is a new opportunity to change how I look at things, and to make the most of tomorrow. It�s not a good feeling to feel like you�re wasting your life away, but I realize now that I�m the only one that can change that. Things may never be the same, but they can be different, and they will be okay.
To all those people who were a part of my life back during that period I loved, I miss you all, and I wish we could talk the way we used to.
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