"People are always going to talk. I'm tough, and I'll always walk with my head held high, and they can't crush me. And I know that you've been through a lot and you've made your mistakes, but you're my dad. I'm proud of you. And the thing is, projecting strength to the outside world is one thing. Please don't pretend with me, and I promise I won't pretend with you." ~Joey on Dawson's Creek
There are some things that I just don't understand. In the past few days, and over the past few weeks I've somehow managed to knock some common sense into myself about things that should, and shouldn't be in my life. Things I should, and shouldn't have to deal with. Things that should hurt me and things that shouldn't hurt me, but do anyways. One of my best friends from high school has decided that I'm not cool enough to be her friend anymore...the shock of college has changed her from a sweetheart to something I never thought she'd become. And the worst part is, I don't even think she realizes what's happening...the farther away she distances herself, the harder it will be to come back. And what's going to happen is that one day, she'll come back expecting her "friends" to be there for her, and we won't be, because we'll always remember how at this point, we meant nothing to her. And it's going to hurt, just like it hurts us now. But there's nothing we can do at this point, she's concerned only with her life at school. No disrespect meant, but I just wish I could tell her that she's losing the people who she will always need to be there. She was supposed to help me with a big project on Saturday, but didn't come, and didn't call...because she decided to get drunk the night before...some friend, right? And then I got an email with some friend quotes saying, "ps im sorry." And I'm sorry, but that just doesn't cut it anymore.
I was talking to one of my best friends the other night...Someone who knows me inside and out, someone I've been there for, or tried to be there for, everytime she needed or needs me. And lately, she's been very busy, and has had no time for me. And yea, I understand that she has a boyfriend and a lot of other friends to hang out with, but I felt that I was just pushed out of the picture. If she knew how much she meant to me because she was such a special part of my life, and has been since the first day I met her, maybe I would feel like I deserved the time of day when I talk to her. And I think the thing that hurt most was that she didn't even know when my birthday was. If this was someone I was only acquaintances with, then fine, but this was someone that was/is special in my life, and she spent my birthday with me last year, and didn't even remember when it was. I know I may not be all that important to her in comparison with other things in her life that take priority, but when she told me she didn't know when my birthday was, I was heartbroken, and I don't think she understood why. I'm glad she's happy with her life, because that's one of the things I've wanted most for her since last year, I just wish I could still be a part of her life, but I don't see how i Can, when I feel so unwanted in it. But no matter what, she is a part of my life that will always live on inside me. And I miss hanging with her very much. And just because I fight with her, and with my other friends, doesn't mean I love them any less. I guess I just want to feel like I'm wanted around them...I don't know.
A friendship works two ways, in my eyes. And lately, I've realized that some of the friendships I have don't work that way. And I just can't do it anymore. I'm tired of always having to be the one to call, always having to be the one to email, always having to be the one to try and make plans. I can't do it...I can't put out 100% when I'm not even getting 50% back...it's not fair. People say to surround yourself with healthy friendships, and in my eyes, a friendship that doesn't go 50-50 isn't a friendship at all. Yet at the same time, there is this undying desire inside of me to try and keep these "troubled" friendships together, because I honestly don't know what I would do wihtout some of thse people I feel this way about. It's hard though...and for the most part, if you're not getting back what you put into a friendship, then it's going to be hard to stay friends. And if that's the case, then what's the point? I think I'd much rather be alone than be surrounded by people who would rather not be surrounding me. Don't pretend to be something you're not...if you don't want to be a friend to someone, please don't pretend to be, because it only hurts more in the end.
The other day, I found out that someone didn't want to be friends because I would be at school a lot and wouldn't be around much at home. So, because of thaqt, she decided it would be pointless to talk on the phone, or to hang out sometimes. I couldn't understand it, and still don't, but I think that if that's the way things have to be, then it's not something worth pushing or pursuing. For those of you who have recently had to deal with my "people are stupid" kick, let me somewhat apologize. I've always tried to believe in the innate goodness of people. I've tried to believe that every person has different reasons for their ac tions and that every person is entitled to their own view of the world and the people in it. And until recently, I seem to have forgotten that. After the fundraiser on Saturday, I've been trying to get back to that belief, and the hardest part has been believing it in myself. I think tonight all the stress from planning the fundraiser and then having to pick a few classes at school last minute caught up with me, and I just kind of snapped on someone. And I remember saying that "All I do is understand. I'm tired of understanding!" And I also remember saying that she wasn't the only one with problems. Yeah, I've got problems too, but the calm, reserved me would've listened. I snapped, and now since it's out of my system, I apologize. That's what happens though...we try and be strong and project that strength to the outside world, and eventually we snap. I'm tough and I'll always walk with my head held high...I've always tried to walk my own path, and I've always tried to stick to my beliefs. It's time to get back to that. Get rid of those things not worth worrying about, push out those things that cause pain or hurt, realize that things won't always be fair, and get people to realize that friendships work both ways...no one can healthily maintain a friendship that isn't two sided. Yes, friends come and go, I just wish they wouldn't all go at the same time. For some reason this year, I think that because so many people's lived have changed, my friends will forget my birthday, and I guess it will be something I'll have to deal with in my own way, but I do believe that those people who I mean something to will remember, and I also understand that some people will be busy and it may slips their minds, and hey, maybe some people won't care, but if that's the deal, then I suppose I won't care that those such people forgot.
Everything happens for a reason. "Everything changes eventually. That's just the way life is and you have no control over it. Suddenly people you thought would always be there disappear. People die, they move away, and they grow up." ~Joey, Dawson's Creek. Yeah, people disappear...it sucks, but they do, but I'm confident in some respects that there will always be those people that will remain. Don't let your friends walk all over you, because you don't deserve it. There are people out there who will treat you like a human being, with feelings and emotions, and those are the people you should surround yourself with...the people with hearts, big ones, the people that will do anything for you and will give back as much as you put in.
Eric, 1/20/00
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