Chelsea

It's eleven o' clock at night, and I'm waiting for a phone call. It's a phone call that's never, ever going to come. It's from Chelsea.

You may know her as the girl who can light up a room just by being in it, who gives anything to show her friends how important they are to her, or the girl who puts up a strong front to show that she can be strong in hard times, but to me, she was just Chelsea.

She made me absolutely crazy. I never knew what was going to happen with us next. Sometimes we wouldn't hang out for days, sometimes we'd hang out for two or three days in a row.

Chelsea was a good friend. Not many give a damn about friendship these days. Most see friendship as a means to some self-serving end. But Chelsea vauled friendship, and so do I. And now I sit by the phone. Sit waiting for a call that will never come. Because it's the only way I can make myself feel like she's still around.

I've been trying to let Chelsea go since January 8, 2004. I don't want to see her unhappy anymore. Anyone who knows her is touched by her. I don't know anyone that dislikes her. She gets along with everyone.

She is a great girl. A great daughter. A great friend. My best friend. It was always easy to wonder what was going on in her head...but just when you thought Chelsea was about to go over the edge, she'd smile.

Some people gave her a hard time for spending so much time with me after a bad breakup, but it didn't matter. Well, it mattered to Chelsea. She prides herself on valuing her friendships. It hurt, but she did well. And now she's gone.

Different beliefs and different personalities make friendship difficult and some people can't handle it, but friends we were. I have some regrets about my friendship with Chelsea. I regret that I feel like I didn't let her know how much she meant to me, that I didn't give her enough room to spread her wings, how much I loved her, how much she has to share with the world.

There was no telling Chelsea what to believe. I regret that I made her pull away. Really though, the regrets are few...and the memories are many.

Chelsea often called late at night...ten, eleven, twelve at night. We always had the best talks. She made me laugh. She made me smile. I trusted her. Her friendship and our relationship meant alot to me. I hope she knew that...I think she did.

I've shed a few tears over this...but I've found a way to beat that. Every time I feel like crying, I think of Chelsea smiling and of her contagious laughter. I think of how she'd make "your mom" jokes and call me a punk. I think of how she put up with a lot and still loved me. I think of how it felt the first time we kissed, the first time I touched her hand...how she could always make me smile.

It was a pleasure knowing Chelsea. She was a lot of fun. I miss her...I think I'm going to bed...it's late by now...The phone's not going to ring...and no thought, no memory - nothing could stop the tears from flowing now. Goodbye, Chelsea.

Come Home

I'm sorry if I hurt you
I never meant to in any way
If I could fix any wrongs
I would right away
It hurts so much
Thinking you're not here
I miss you
My baby, my love, my dear
The days are so lonely
Nothing feels the same
And I want you to come back
I feel like I'm to blame
Please come home to me
I'd never felt anything like us
Don't leave me forever
Our relationship's not a bust
My best friend, my soulmate
I'd walk through fire for you
Please come back someday
I just don't know what to do.

Never Forgive, Never Forget
My how it�s changed
The way it should be
I don�t care anymore
You don�t matter to me

I�m tired of trying
To make it all right
I�m not going to bother
I don�t want to fight

It was good for a while
Until you wrecked it
Not the first time
You�ve caused all this shit

When I loved you it was hard
To try and move on
But now that I hate you
I�m happy you�re gone

Now you�re just a stranger
A face in the crowd
It doesn�t hurt anymore
I don�t scream so loud.

I�ve learned that I�m better
Wasted time I regret
I will never forgive,
I will never forget.

Gone

She's gone, I don't know her
The past disappeared
Our love has been covered
Like a face by a beard
She's someone different
Not the girl in my dreams
I can't even look at her
Without wanting to scream
Where's the girl that loved me
She's someone else now
Hurting me everyday
And she doesn't care how
This isn't love
She acts like she's cold
The last three years
Are starting to seem old
Inside her heart
I know my girl lives on
And I just keep praying
That she's not really gone
1-27-04

Helpless

They look at me
And see the pain
I feel inside.

They wish they could help
And offer advice
But I cry.

They know that nothing
Can change how she feels
And so do I.

Worst feeling in the world
Hurts like nothing else
Helpless.

I Don't

Smile
I can't, she took it away
Laugh
I don't want to, it sucks today
Talk
I don't feel like it, just want to cry
Move on
It hurts so much, don't want to think about it
Can't sit behind her
Can't say hello
Makes me feel closer
Have to let her go
Part of me died
Now that she's gone
I remind myself everyday
That life must go on
Maybe she'll come back
Maybe she won't
I wish I knew how to handle it
But honestly I don't.

Just Because
For Chelsea

Just because we're not talking
Doesn't mean I don't still think about you

Just because we act like strangers
Doesn't mean we're not still best friends

Just because we don't spend time together
Doesn't mean you're not in my heart

Just because time's passed
Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt anymore

Just because we're broken up
Doesn't mean you can be replaced

Just because I want to talk to you
Doesn't mean I know what to say

Just because you said goodbye
Doesn't mean I'm gone forever

Just because we've gone through this before
Doesn't make it any easier

Just because you broke my heart
Doesn't mean I don't still love you

January 31, 2004
I see it all the time. I used to know how it felt - security, happiness, the feeling that one person cared about you more than anything. They didn't even have to be physically there - whether they were 8 minutes away or in another country, I knew she was there, and it's one of the best feelings in the world. The knowledge that someone is thinking of you before they go to bed, knowing you can call just to say goodnight and I love you. The feeling you get when they roll over and rest their head on your shoulder as they fall asleep, or the smell of her hair that would seem to linger on my pillow for days. You never realize how lucky you are to have all these things until they're taken from you. Going to bed isn't the same, you don't have the good feeling in the pit of your stomach that no matter where you are, she's thinking about you and you try so hard to see if any of their scent remains on the pillow - I'd do anything to smell that again. Some people say you gotta pick up and move on, other people say you don't know what you've got till it's gone. I side with the second group of people...and I miss her - all the little things about her.

Never

It's easy not to hate her
For what we're going through
Because I love her
I can't hate her
Never could, never will.
1-27-04

Nightmare

It feels like yesterday
She looked at me
And talked about forever
How we would be

I believed in her promise
Said she'd never break it
Now each night I pray
That someday we'll make it

I'll always love her
Feel like she doesn't care
The dream that we had
Has become a nightmare.

No More Magic...
I haven't done this in a long time...sending out an email of my thoughts, but I felt like I wanted to write tonight, so I hope you all don't mind reading.
What a day it was. I think that today was by far the saddest day I've had in a long time. I don't really know what brought it on, but it happened, and I hate the fact that it did. Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and realize she's not there anymore. For those of you who haven't felt what it's like to lose the person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with, there is no pain that hurts like this one. As the day progressed, I just got worse. At the recommendation of a friend, I went and rented "About Last Night." I don't know if any of you have ever seen it, it came out in 1987, but it's basically about falling in love with someone by accident, these two people move in together, it gets rough, they decide they need to break it off, and they go through this period of hating each other. A few months after the breakup, the guy realizes he misses her, and tries to get her back. She tells him how hard it was to get over him, and that it's over. She says, and this is a classic line, "You've always gotten everything you've wanted and now you feel sorry for yourself because there's something you want and you can't have it." They both see other people, and at the end (sorry to ruin it for you all) she sees him before his softball game, they talk, both take the blame for what happened, and he says, "As messed up as it was, I think it was the best thing around." And they agree to go out to dinner together. End of movie. So I was left thinking about Chelsea, wondering what she was doing, wondering if that'd ever happen to us, realizing that it never would. I went online after that, and looked at her profile. Since we'd broken up, her marital status still said, "I love my Eric." Today, it was gone.
I had some errands to run today, and as I drove around in the car, I couldn't help but think about her. I was listening to the song, "She Can't Be Really Gone" by Tim McGraw, and I felt tears start to well up in my eyes. I'd lost myself again. I realize now that it was the little things that used to make me so happy. Granted, we had a lot of problems, but to me, the good outweighed the bad. Maybe that would've been enough for us to make it, but I'll never know. I miss the little things about us. I miss having someone to call before I go to bed, I miss having someone to go to wawa with at 11:30 at night, I miss having someone to cook dinner for. I miss sitting at my computer, watching her on my bed concentrating on her homework. I miss how we used to play madden together and I would let her catch up until she beat me. After awhile she got good enough that she could beat me on her own. I miss knowing that she'd be with me on holidays. I miss the stupid little arguments we'd get into and I miss the look on her face when we'd make up. I miss how she could make me laugh with one of her stupid little sayings, and I miss noticing the little things she did that made her who she was to me. I miss the way her hand would fit into mine, the way she'd laugh when I sneezed, the way she looked when she wore a sweatshirt, sweatpants and had her hair pulled back. I hate not being able to roll over in the morning and see her rub her eyes as she woke up, and I miss falling asleep without her head resting on my shoulder. It's so hard to pretend I'm alright anymore. You know one thing I miss almost more than anything else? Just having her to call when I'm gonna go to the store, like Target, or the mall, to see if she wants to come for a ride. For those of you who know me well enough you know how much I hate doing things alone, so that used to mean the world to me. Maybe I depended on her too much, I don't know, and I've learned from that, but I've also come to accept that I am who I am, and my friends love me for me, so I wonder why she got tired of loving me for me. She told me once that us just "hanging out and watching tv" got old. That was the time I treasured more than anything else. We would just lay together, and watch tv, and we didn't even have to be talking. That's what we would do sometimes, and we loved it, and when she told me it got old, it just broke my heart. As time passes, I thought it would get better, but there are some days when I just feel like my heart has been broken all over again. I wonder if she thinks about me, wonders what I'm doing, if I'm seeing anyone, if she even cares. This is the longest we've gone without seeing or talking to each other since the breakup. I'm so scared to go back to school on Monday and see her because I know that I'm just going to fall apart again. I feel like every time she leaves, it hurts more. I know that we weren't perfect together in the eyes of a lot of people, and I realize that her and I definitely had some things we needed to work out, but to me, she was perfect because I loved her despite her idiosyncracies, despite the things that sometimes happened that would hurt me without her even knowing. I started to think that maybe love just isn't enough, but the longer you go without it, you realize that it's everything.
I feel so bad that I'm not over this yet, I feel bad that my friends have had to put up with me being sad for so long. I feel bad that everyone's told me I'm better without her, that I deserve better, and I still miss her so much it hurts. Deep down I know that I deserve better, but I also know that I miss what I had with her. Every time we broke up, we always ended up back together, but this time I feel like it's different. I know there's a lot of things that have to change before that could ever happen again, if it could ever happen again. I'm starting to make myself believe that no one will ever want to be with me again because no matter how good I have it, I feel like I always end up pushing the other person away by holding on too tight. I just can't believe that I've lost her three times now. I swore this time I would never let that happen again, and here I am, in the same situation. It kills me that I have to see her in class four times a week. Every time I see her, I just die inside. It's so sad thinking that to her, I'm just another guy. We don't even talk anymore, and I feel like we've become strangers. I never wanted that to happen. I feel like just when we start talking again, she finds something else to be mad at me for. I was never mean to her, I never did anything to purposely hurt her, I've never treated a girl better than I treated her. I would've done anything for her, and look what it's gotten me. I know I deserve better than someone who treats me like this after being together off and on for three years, but God, it hurts so much. I'm so sorry that you all have to see me like this, I'm so sorry that I'm still letting this get to me, I'm so sorry that you all have to listen to me cry about this. Thank you all for being my friends and being there for me. I would never have gotten any better if it weren't for all of you.
It's not fair that I have to go through this. It's not fair that I have to go out of my way to not sit near her in class, it's not fair that I have to block her on IM and email so she can't say anything else that will hurt me. It's not fair that I put so much into this relationship for three years, and took a huge chance getting back together the third time, sure that this was it for us and still end up heart broken. It's not fair that we spent holidays together and now I'm alone again...I miss her family, they were like a second family to me. It's not fair that she used to look at me and tell me "I want to be with you forever, I want to marry you. I promise I'll never leave you." And then she left. It's not fair that all the magic I used to have in my life is gone now.
I know I haven't done this in a long time - sent out an email to a bunch of people just getting thoughts off my mind, but I felt like there was a lot I wanted to say, and I know you'll all listen to me, so thank you again. There are times when I just sit there in my room and try and hold my tears back, times when the last thing I want is to be alone, so for those of you who can still put up with me, call me, believe me, even an hour with somebody else makes a world of difference. I've kind of been pulling away from everyone lately, and I'm sorry. I just don't want to burden anyone with this anymore (so this email is kind of hypocritical), but I love spending time with you guys and talking to you. There are some of you who can always seem to put a smile on my face.
I'm going to stop now...I think I've said everything on my mind. Thanks to those of you who took the time to actually read this whole thing...it means a lot to me. You mean a lot to me, and I still need you now more than ever.
~Eric
3-14-04

Okay

Was fallin' apart
Thought that I'd die
It hurt too much
When she said goodbye

My heart is still broken
But it's starting to mend
Instead of breaking
I've learned how to bend

Now I'm okay
Know that this must be done
For her to make sure
That I am the one

If it works out
Some random day
I'll be happy we did this
But for now I'm okay
Cause no matter how it turns out in the end
I'll be okay because I've got my friends.
January 29, 2004

Princess Love

Long, long ago
A Heart on its way
A beautiful princess
Saved the day.
The Heart had gave up
Packed its bags for a trip
But the princess ran after
With a hop, jump, and skip.
"Don't go, broken Heart,"
She said with great care
"Somebody needs you,
Just wait right there."
The princess turned slowly,
Reached into her pack,
And pulled something out
That would bring the Heart back.
She showed him another heart,
Broken in two,
"This is my heart, you see,
I want to give it to you.
"I know that heart," he said
"I've broken it before,
Why give it to me
When I'll just hurt it more?
The princess, she thought,
Opened her mouth and spoke,
"Because I love you," she said,
"I swear it's no joke.
What hearts went through before
Love can heal oh so fast,
When love exists,
It knows no painful past."
The Heart wiped a tear,
Wondered how this could be,
"I'll give it a chance,
Give your heart to me."
The Heart dropped its bags,
Said, "What shall I call thee?
"I'm Princess Love,
You can call me Chelsea."

Risks

It's a great day to be alive
But at night I cry when I close my eyes
I'm moving on
I scared her away
And I wait for the dawn
Of a brand new day
I want to work through it
I'd try all I could
But she needs her time
Knew somehow she would
My friends are all here
And they're making me smile
They weren't really gone
Just busy for awhile
Someone still wants me
Thought I was spent
But I'm not quite finished
There's the best of me yet
Taking a risk
Gotta get on with my life
Things have got easier
Got a lot less strife
She's doing the same
Seeing what else there is
In time we'll know
If someday we'll kiss
There's a history there
But for now it's on hold
I don't think it's over
She's not that cold
Just taking some time
To figure it out
Hoping we learn
What love's really about
We're taking big risks
But if it's meant to be
Someday we'll know it
If she comes back to me
I did all I could
And now I see
She's got to be her
And I've got to be me
Even together
We still need time apart
We're broken in words
But together at heart
I still love her
Always have, always will
If we meet again
The space she will fill
But until then we're risking
All that we had
And each day it's easier
To not feel so sad
If it takes risk
For us to someday get through
Because I love her
Risking is all I can do.
January 29, 2004

Smiling

Today I was happy
Woke up feelin' alright
I don't cry anymore
When I sleep at night

I'm proud of myself
I'm being so strong
I'm moving on
No more sad song

My friends are the bestest
They call everyday
To ask how I'm doing
They make sure I'm okay

I'd never get through it
If they weren't there
It's awesome to feel
How much they care

I thought I'd lost them
They were never really gone
Cause even through distance
Our friendships lived on

Today I am happy
I'm doing okay
Thanks to my friends
For helping me feel this way.

Thank you to Nicole, Lauren Kane, Kevin, Liz, Adam, Aunt Mia, Jill, Mel, Nichole, Mdawg, Suz, Kate P, Bea, Kate D, Col, Mom, Dad, Sandahl, Dad, Mike, TJ Mac, Cara, Lindsay, Karen, Kat, Holly, Tracey, Monica, Ann, Jeanette, Anita, Deb, Goob, Ann C., Nana, Kristine, Tara, Jess W., Shannon, Aunt Peg, Uncle Joe, Kris, Brian, Erica, and anyone I forgot I'm sorry but you know I appreciate everything. You guys have been great. I'd never be getting though this without you. Thank you for making me smile and reminding me who I am. You all give me hope.

January 29, 2004

Stages

Shock
Hurt
Hope
Holding on
Crying
Thinking
Letting go
Being strong
Moving on
Closing the book

Stand Up

You're getting walked on
Stand up
You're feeling guilty
Stand up
Your heart is broken
Stand up
You don't deserve this
Stand up
You're feeling rejected
Stand up
You're letting her hurt you
Stand up
You still love her
Stand up
You're okay without her
Stand up.

Wet

Hi
If you read this
I miss you a lot
You used to love me
But now you do not
You show no compassion
You're concerned with yourself
You're not even helping
To deal with the pain
I'm without an umbrella
Standing out in the rain
Two years meant nothing
That's how you make it seem
How can you do this
I feel like you're being so mean
I sacrificed little things
And when you held feelings in
When you hurt my feelings
I still loved again
Looking past imperfections
That's love's number one
When things got hard
You decided to run
I may never get it
Or understand why
Wondering if
This is our last goodbye
If destiny's wrote it
This isn't the end
And I keep asking myself
Could I do this again?

Unspoken

For Chelsea, I love you

So many feelings
All built up over time
Overpowering and incredible
The only words that would rhyme.

I love you I need you
You're my very best friend
And no matter how rough
Know you're there till the end.

If I tried to speak
All the things that I feel
The words would be lost
Like raindrops on a wheel.

So the best I can do
Is look in your eyes
And hope you can hear
The words my heart cries.

Know my love is so powerful
Love you more everyday
Fix your heart on my eyes
No words get in the way.

October 2, 2002
Words

Do you know what it's like
To cry every night
You're hurting inside
And you know it's not right

Love her so much
But you just can't win
You open your mouth
Can't change what might've been

It's always my fault
That's the way that I feel
No matter what
I just can't seem to deal

I love you, I'm sorry
We don't see eye to eye
Our perspectives are different
and they cause us to cry

What can I do
Change isn't my friend
I wish I could fix me
Be new 'round the bend.

I don't think I'll make it
Think I hurt you too much
Wish I'd do something bout it
Make you happy and such

So here I stand asking
Will you stay or go?
Will this be the one
Or another I blow?

If you walk then I'll deal
But I wish you would stay
It's in your hands now
Life goes on either way.

I'm sorry I'm stupid
I don't have the right words
I'm hoping this "love thing"
Isn't just for the birds.

By Eric
April 16, 2002

Thank You
For Chelsea, I love you

Thank you for believing in me when no one else would
For trusting in me when no one else could
For letting me in again and again
For never asking why or how or when

Thank you for loving me when I broke your heart
Thank you for never letting us grow far apart
Thank you for kissing my sadness away
Thank you for reminding me there would be a brighter day

Thank you for teaching me what it means to love
For reminding me that there was a bigger plan above
For never giving up on me when we fell apart
For always helping me find my way back to your heart

Thank you for giving me the strength to go on
For giving us a foundation to build our lives upon
For crying the tears that kept me afloat
For inspiring the words that I have wrote

It feels like a lifetime we've been through so much
The smiles, the tears, hopes, fears, and such
But through every moment one thought would remain
The hope that someday you would share my name

So now I say thank you, you've got my love till the end
Thank you for bringing us around every bend
For when darkness set in and the sky wasn't blue
I knew that we'd make it...thanks to you.

~Eric Ford
May 4, 2002

Trying My Best
There�s nothing I can say
That can make it go away
I made a mistake and I�m sorry
You�re #1 in the world to me
Without you in my life
I wouldn�t want to be.
I never want to see you
With a sad look on your face
If I could do it, I�d try and erase
The pain that I caused you
I miss seeing you smile
My heart breaks when you�re sad
And worse than that, when you�re sad and mad
I only want to make you happy
But I know it�s impossible
To be happy all the time
So I�m doing the best that I can
Think of you all the time
I�m sorry this poem doesn�t really rhyme
So I�m going to borrow a line or two
I hope you don�t mind
And I hope this will do
I wanted to say so many things
But I didn�t know how.
You�re the end of the rainbow
And my pot of gold
A precious gem is what you are
You�re my bright and shining star
You�re the spirit of Christmas
My star on the tree
You're the treasure I cherish
So sparkling and bright,
You were touched by the holy
And beautiful light.
Like angels that sing
A heavenly thing,
And you�re my favorite person
I just want you to know
I�m trying my best
I don�t want you to go.


Non-Chelsea Stuff Below This Point

Losing All Hope
By Eric, March 18, 2000
Where to start? I'm sitting out on the balcony outside my room. There's so much on my mind right now - some of it, I don't understand and it doesn't make it any easier when no one else will understand either. I don't even know everything that's bothering me. I hurt Laurie, and I didn't want to, or mean to. I don't know how I got myself in so deep with her. I really don't. I don't know why I feel like I need her either. I don't know. She got mad at me last night for goin to Court's and not telling her. I mean, yeah, I probably should have told her, but I know she would've gotten mad at me. I don't really think she has a right to, though. I mean, we're not going out, and unless it's a few years down the road, we probably never will. Maybe there is something wrong with me. . .I feel like I've become this horrible person. Everyone seems to be telling me that, or implying that lately. And maybe I am. I used to be such a good person. I used to be so selfless, so caring, and anymore, I'm quick-tempered and agitated. I'm an angry person. I hate my place in the world. I don't know why, but I do. But I know I'm not happy with where I am, or with what I've got. And I know I'm not really happy with who I am either. Maybe that's because I'm not happy. There, I admitted it. IM NOT HAPPY. I'm trying really hard to hold back my tears. The last time I cried was the night I thought I lost Kristen as a friend. Thank God I didn't. Maybe I need to cry, maybe that would make me feel better. Because I don't really have any other solution. I just feel like it never ends. I lost Kevin in December. I lost Mel in January. I lost Andrea in February. I lost Tina today. I've lost count of the number of times I almost lost Kathy and Kristen - I don't know what I'd do without them. I almost lost Lauren Kane last night, too. I just get annoyed with people so easily anymore and I find myself saying more and more that "I hate people." Usually I'm kidding, but who knows. I'm a person, and right now I don't really like myself too much either. I used to believe in people...I really don't feel like I do anymore. Maybe I expect too much from people, and when they don't meet my standards, I guess I feel kind of let down. All I want is to be loved. I've been alone for too long.

*Friends ask me how I feel, and I lie convincingly, cause I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering. So I wear my disguise till I go home at night, and turn out all the lights, and then I break down and cry.*


I'm suffering, my friends are suffering, my grades are suffering, all because I'm not happy and I'm too scared to admit it to anyone. I don't know what keeps me going everyday. Probably hope - as much as it may seem like I've lost all hope, there's still a little bit left, somewhere deep down inside of me. I've come to realize the truth about why I get in so many fights with so many people lately-it's not that I'm angry with them - maybe a little, but it's more me crying out for help. People don't seem to understand me, no one understands why I always feel like I have to know they care, why I always want to hear them tell me that they care -the truth is, there is no reason . . . That's just how I am, I can't help it. I feel so alone at times and I guess I just wanted to know someone cares - it's another cry: "Look at me! Notice that I'm alive!" It's stupid, I know. And often times, it makes things hard. People get scared or freaked out when they read stuff like this - they thing something's wrong with me, that I'm some sort of freak, they don't want to have to deal with it. They don't want to be friends with someone that they think has so many problems. For some reason, I'm the opposite of that - I, for some reason, want to help people with problems, because I know how it feels to think that no one wants to listen or that people are only "pretending to care." And sometimes I try and take on their problems too, and then others times, I just can't. I used to want to help everyone ~ I don't know what happened.

*In life you meet people who make you realize that maybe you're not alone, the people you love the most. They're just like you and understand. And then one day the world comes along and destroys them, and you're all alone again.*
*I tell you how I feel, but you don't care. I say tell me the truth, but you don't dare. You say love is a hell you cannot bare. And I say, 'Gimme mine back and then go there...for all I care.'*

Someone called me a "headcase" the other day. I don't think she realized how much that hurt. I've got problems, yea, but putting it into those words pretty much broke me. I became an enraged person at that point. I lost control, and when I lose control, I say things I don't mean. I lost Lauren Whoriskey two days ago. I lost part of Jerry yesterday. And Jerry's my best friend in the whole world. Yes, I don't always agree with what he does, but I've no right to judge him or hurt him - he's family to me. If I could take it all back, I would. Maybe it's too late - I hope not.
I think everyone should have a designated "Happy Person." Someone who, no matter what, could cheer you up and make you smile, even just for a second...

*One more smile's all I can fake...*
*I"m no angel...but does that mean I can't live my life? I'm no angel - but people think that I can't cry.*


I'm tired. I'm tired of losing people. I'm tired of thinking that I have to be friends with everybody only to realize that no matter what, you can't please veeryone all the time. It's impossible. People come and go in my life, yea I know, but lately it just seems like everybody's going. I need people. I need to feel loved by people. Yea, I've got problems, I know. If I could fix them all, I would. Maybe someday. If I could take all the mean things I've said and done back, I would.

*You turned around and looked right at me and said nothing, not even hi - it was as if the months we had spent together, the times I spent loving you just weren't important, as if they had never happened. We look at each other wondering what the other is thinking, but we never say a thing, and these crimes between us grow deeper. Somehow the conversation brought up your name, and I was asked if I knew you. I stopped, looked away and thought of all the times we cried together, laughed together, shared together. Then with a faraway look and tears in my eyes, I looked back and said, "Once I thought I did."*
*You know how people say, "Don't dwell on the past?" Well why not? If the past is when you were happy...why not think back on those times and smile? Because that's all I have of her...the past.*

Lately I've been saying that I need to get away, go somewhere so I can get myself together. And if I could afford it, I would go in a second. Hopefully someday soon, I will, because I don't know what else to do. Bills are piling up, work for school is piling up, and I just can't bring myself to put everything into it like I used to, and I don't know why. Sitting here writing, I get to feel like I'm in my own little world, but I know that the minute I put the pen down and turn my walkman off, reality will set back in, and the feelings of sadness, confusion, and loss will set back in. The problems will still be there, I can't just make them go away. But I can hope that whoever reads this and whoever doesn't will understand that I've got problems and I hope that they don't turn their backs on me(even though I haven't been much of a help to some people lately.) I hope that they realize I didn't mean to be so hurtful and that I'm sorry, and that I'd give anything to have them, and my life as I used to know it, back. I'm not a freak, I'm not psychotic...I'm me, please accept me for who I am, and please don't leave me.

*Maybe you used to love me, or even love me still. Maybe you hate me. I don't know, and have no way of knowing. But what I do know is that you will never forget me.*
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