Mobile
"Everything's changin' when I turn around, all out of my control I'm a mobile." -Avril, Mobile
This is one of my writings that will probably piss some people off and leave a lot of questions to be answered.
Tired. Spent. Lonely. Waiting. Four of the words best used to describe me right now. I'm not really sure what's going on, but lately I've felt this overwhelming sense of loneliness and change. I don't know where it came from, but it's there. I feel like every night I'm reminded that I'm alone. I'm tired it, if I'm being honest. Part of it could be due to the fact that I haven't slept much, I've been sick, and it's put me in a foul mood, but I think that's only a small part of it.
I think a big part of me is just annoyed in general. I can never seem to tell when anyone's being real with me. I used to be a pretty good judge of character, but I can't seem to read anybody anymore. I've come to realize that some people are amazingly good at putting on a show for me, and everyday I realize more and more that I've got to let these people go from my life. I can't keep being let down. You all know what I'm talking about - the people who say they'll call and don't, say they wanna hang out but never do, say they'll try, and don't. I'm tired of it - I don't need it. The majority of those people I love to death but I don't think they realize what they're doing - or they do and just don't care. Time to start cutting my losses - a lot of people will start to notice I've just kind of disappeared - or maybe they won't notice. Who knows. Be real, say what you mean and mean what you say - you're not doing me any favors by being a phony. If it means enough to you, you'll make time.
Pushing people away. Over the past three and a half months, I have successfully managed to subconsciously (and consciously) push people certain people away. Why? To protect myself. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it, but I am. If I've felt someone getting too close, I've pushed them away - either by getting angry for no reason or by making them feel overwhelmed so that they go on their own. The truth is that I'm scared to death to let anybody get close to me because I don't want to get "clobbered" again. It's just not worth it. Yes, "If you don't fall in love, you can't get hurt, but it sure is lonely all by yourself." I'm realizing now that if I'm never going to let anyone get close again, I'm going to be pretty lonely for a pretty long time. I was supposed to go on a date this weekend with a girl I barely know, barely talked to on the phone. As the day got closer, I started to think that I was just going out with her to fill a void, and I didn't think that was fair, so I cancelled. Truth is, anyone I'm interested in now either doesn't know it, or I can't have, which doesn't make anything any easier. I don't want to "settle" for just anybody - I've done my share of "dating just to date," and I don't want to do that anymore.
I feel like all my security is gone now. Everything's changing. People who have always been there have disappeared, and those people who came out of the woodwork after the breakup have started to go back to the woodwork to hide. In the past four months, I lost Chels, changed my cell, changed my email, I'm graduating in December, this is my last semester of Spring classes (which means I won't get to see certain people anymore) and now we're moving, which was the last bit of security I had left. I don't want to leave this house. I grew up here - so much has happened here. And I know that I'll be out on my own soon anyway but it would've been nice to be able to come "home" to the house that I grew up in. I'm gonna miss it - the place, the memories, the people.
Thank yous.
Adam-He's been there when I needed him, spent time with me and helps me to forget how lonely I feel sometimes. I'm so lucky to have a friend like him.
Lauren-My friend who is with me always. 9 years now. She's stuck with me through thick and thin, we've been through so much together. Don't know what I'd do without her.
Eileen-Eileen has been amazing with me. She takes the time to talk, listen, and make me laugh. She can always make me smile and always makes me feel like she understands. She's like the big sister I never had. I always look forward to our time together.
Katie D-So happy that her and I have become close again. She's been there when I needed her most. I've known Katie since she was 14, she's like a sister to me, and means more to me than she'll ever know. I love spending time with her.
Cait-One of my best friends. She makes me laugh, sets me straight, and is one of the funnest(I know, not a word)people that I know. Yeah I love to give her a hard time, but it's all out of love. So lucky.
Emily-Emily has taken the time to get to know me and she's one person who always makes me feel like somebody cares. We talk for hours on end everyday and my day doesn't quite feel complete unless I get to talk to her. She gives me so much time, teaching me guitar and just talking and always puts a smile on my face. So lucky I met her - she is one of my favorite people. I always know she's being real with me. Gonna miss her this summer.
Jen-another person I can talk to for hours on end, even if she lives in California. She can always put a smile on my face, which is an amazing ability to have. She's amazing and cool in so many ways. I'm so happy we're friends.
Carly-I've known Carly longer than we've been friends, and even if she's always too busy for me :) I'm glad we're friends now. Spending time with her always makes me feel good, and she's an incredible girl. She means more to me than she knows and is one person I hope I never lose touch with.*Things I'll Never Say*
Melanie-She never fails to make me smile. She's one person I get along with better than anyone else. If she wasn't so far away I'd want to spend so much time with her. We have such a good time just talking and when we're together, it's just so much fun. She's always been straight with me and always knows just the right thing to say. She's amazing and is someone I hold close to my heart always.
Lastly, Jess-What can I say? We've had a weird friendship - close, not close, close, not close, etc. and when it mattered most, she was there. She's dealing with her own battles now and still finds the time to make me smile. Something inside of me leaps when I hang out with her. The last few months have been rough on both of us, but I can always seem to escape when I'm with her. She's amazing and makes me feel incredible whenever we're together. I love her, and she has no idea. Well she does now.*Things I'll Never Say*
I'm changing, I'm learning to play guitar, I want to write more, learn how to sing. I want to move and teach in California. I'm dressing different. I love Avril and her music, I love being in BB and Bandaids. I want to travel. I want to do what I want when I want to do it, and I'm finally getting to be me without having to worry about anyone else's needs. I love it - these are the good changes. I'm just trying to find that balance between the good and the bad, and just trying to find my way again.
"I don't know whether falling in love and having a family is "it," but the place we're in now, this is definitely not "it."-Richard Fish
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