Get a Mirror (a rant)
I can't even begin to tell you all how irritated I am. Let's talk about people who ask for advice and don't take it.
You know the phone call - the one that starts, "I need your help." Ok, fine, lay it on me. I proceed to listen to a story about someone hurting one of my friends, or a story about a complex situation that needs some guidance. I take time out of my life to really think it through and give them the best advice that I can. A lot of what I say comes from experience, I do know what I'm talking about. If I didn't, I wouldn't be giving you detailed advice - I'd say, "I don't know if this will help" or "I've never been in that situation before, but..." The majority of the time, I do know what I'm talking about, though.
Anyway, back to my point. I sit there and listen, in this case, to a story of pain and crying that has hurt one of my friends. She asks what I think. In this case, it's simple - the guy is a loser, he is insecure, doesn't know what he wants and will end up hurting her again - I guarantee it. What follows is me listening to the other person trying to justify the pain-causer's actions. Mistake #1.Don't take the blame for something that's not your fault. You will get walked on for the rest of your life if you're starting to do this already. Next I hear, "But I don't want to lose him." Shutup. He's a loser, you will be better off without him. There are other people out there. Next? "What if there's not? He's so important to me." How long have you been with him? "2 months." Not 6 months, not a year, 2 months. I know it'll hurt for awhile but you will get over it. "So what do I do?" Make him come to you. If he doesn't, he's not worth it. He's probably not worth it anyway. What it comes down to is respect. He has to understand where you're coming from, he has to respect what bothers you and if he doesn't, you don't need him. You can't keep giving and let him do all the taking. "Well maybe I'm being ridiculous." No you're not. Your pain and anger are justified, don't dismiss your feelings just to make it go away and to have somebody there with you. You shouldn't "settle" for just anyone. So then I get, "You're right. This is ridiculous, immature, etc. I'll try and stand my ground." Now, knowing this, if you go back, or give in, it is your fault. Guess what? She goes back, gives in, basically giving the other person an excuse to get away with the same behavior in the future - you should never be so desperate that you have to cling to someone unreasonable. What that says is that you just want "somebody" because it's better than being alone. Sometimes you need to stand alone. A week later, guess what. He's gone. I'd hate to say I told you so, but I did. Don't ask for advice if you're not going to listen. If you put yourself in a situation where you know you will have or experience pain and suffering, you deserve what you get. Get a mirror, and take a good look at it. The only person you have to blame is yourself. I don't want to hear the crying, I am not going to feel sorry for you. If you've asked me (and/or) other people for advice in an obvious situation and you choose not to take any of it, I don't want to hear it. I am not here for your amusement. You are my friend, I'm watching out for you. I don't want you to get hurt and you know I'd protect you anyway I can, but if you fall because of your own stupidity, I don't want the crying phone call. Believe me, you do not want to talk to me after you realize that what I said was right.
Now before everyone gets their panties in a bundle, I'm not saying that I have all the answers - I don't, believe me. If I had my head on straight, I wouldn't have stayed with Chelsea as long as I did. I should've listened to some of you who told me I was being walked on. I'm not saying you can't make mistakes - everyone does. I make plenty of them, but you have to learn from them. I did.
You also have to understand that I'm an outside observer - I see this differently than you do - I'm not blinded by love like you are and you will find more often than not that an outside observer can often give you a more real perspective. I've been blinded by love, I know you don't see clearly - but when you ask for advice, you really should think about what someone tells you. Otherwise, don't ask. Take a step back, be that "observer." If everyone's telling you the same thing, maybe you should LISTEN. Watch your ass. Otherwise no one will want to help you anymore. When you need advice, you go to people you trust, or people you want to feel sorry for you. It's normal - most people want people to sympathize with them when they hurt - I know I do, but by just blowing the advice of these people off, you're saying "Screw what you think. I just wanted some attention." Another huge factor here is to protect yourself.
Back to my example. 2 months she was with him and acted like it was the end of the world. Please. Somebody call the waaaaaaaaaaaaambulance. You need to be smart enough to keep a safe distance for awhile in the beginning. I know it's exciting, it's fun, etc. but you CANNOT lose yourself in somebody else. At ALL TIMES you need to know that if that person left you the next day, you wouldn't fall apart. I am not saying that if someone leaves you after 10 months, a year, etc. that you can't get upset, no, you all know I am the farthest thing from being cold hearted, and it's alright to grieve, but losing yourself completely in someone else is dangerous. I know, I've been there. I wish I'd kept my own life separate from hers, because when she left, I just fell apart, and I learned the hard way just how important it is to stay independent even when you're with somebody else. The reality is that everybody's alone, it's just easier to take in a relationship. You just can't be in a relationship that is dependent. It's not healthy, and it will fail. I guarantee it. When you have lost yourself 2 to 3 months in, you are screwing yourself. It will hurt and it will hurt ten times worse than it would have had you maintained some independence. Get that mirror out again. You need to accept the blame for what you've done - don't expect other people to do it for you.
So what am I trying to say in a nutshell? Don't ask if you're not going to listen, don't cry to me if you just want attention, don't let yourself get lost too soon. Honestly, I'm tired of giving advice if you're going to act like I don't know what I'm talking about. If you ask, I give you advice, and you don't even consider it and get shit on, all you will get from me is an "I told you so." If you don't listen and you're right, then hey, I'll eat my words. I've just found more and more that I help, nobody listens, and they get shit on. Don't be stupid, don't be blind - like I said, if you knowingly and repeatedly put yourself in a situation where you have pain and suffering, you have no one to blame but yourself. Get a mirror.
Back Home