Another year gone and my mind is just filled with thoughts. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing here. Every once in awhile you have those moments when you think you know why, but I haven't had one of those moments in a long time. I was talking to Mark tonight about how much I hate New Year's. And he put it exactly right - "It's just another year, with a two on the end instead of a one. Everyone thinks all these things are going to change, but the same old shit just happens again." And I think that's exactly how I feel. This is the first year I haven't had anyone call me at midnight. No one. Just another reminder of how much it sucks to be a lone on new year's eve. To tell you the truth, I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of being alone. People come into everyone's lives, and they come and they go, and supposedly some stay. Where are those people? Because it seems like I just can't seem to keep anyone close for very long. Maybe there is something wrong with me, but I can't figure out what it is. Over the past couple of years, I've been with a lot of different people - and everyone has been different, except in this one aspect - that they all don't stay for very long. This year was just a mess. I started off the year with Holly -a girl who I thought I would be with forever, but just like the rest, things went south, and I lost her. She used to make me feel incredible, like I really was something special, then before I knew it, she was gone, and I know for a fact that things with her will never be the same ever again. They just can't be. The summer was a blur...I dated/hooked up with so many people - I think I just needed to be free for a little while and have my fun, and while it may sound appealing, it just left me feeling empty. Cait, Katy, Brenna, Jen, Linda, Megan, Debbie, Lisa, Kerry, and Chelsea...each of them had their times, but nothing was ever an extensive thing. The thing with Linda was a mess - I could never tell whether or not she was telling me the truth about whether or not her and her boyfriend had really broken up - and I must've been stupid to think that she wasn't going home after hooking up with me and sleeping next to this boy and not doing anything with him - maybe I just tried to make myself believe it, I don't know. Chelsea...well, Chelsea and I don't even talk anymore. I thought what her and I had was special, but we headed down different paths, we both wanted different things I guess, and things just blew up from there. Megan...well, I thought I was falling in love with Megan, and then everything just fell apart, not by choice, it just kind of happened because people didn't like the fact that her and I were together, and we kind of got torn apart. Jen and Katy used to fight over me, and that used to make me feel good, but in reality, it was just chaos, and I couldn't take it, and it just had to end. I do regret the fact that I don't talk to either of them anymore - Katy I can do without, but Jen, well...I think I've always been a little hard on her, and I could never figure out why. I always wonder if deep down I resented her for some reason, but if I did, I didn't know why, and I just wish I had a chance to apologize, but it's probably too late for that. Sometimes you say things to people you just can't take back. And then there was Cara. For those of you who knew Cara, she threw my life into absolute chaos. I was never sure whether or not she was telling me the truth. Whether she had really broken up with her boyfriend or not, whether or not she meant it when she would tell me she was falling in love with me, and that she was going to break up with him soon, and eventually I just got too weak to handle it, and I had to tell a white lie to bring it to an end. Sometimes I think I'm just a fool, because I'm willing to believe whatever it takes to make myself happy. Maybe that's selfish, but everyone's entitled to their opinion. I just think I'm doing something wrong all the time. I used to think I knew how to treat a girl, but obviously I don't, if they all lead me to the same end. A few weeks ago, Jill and I were talking and she told me that it's always about me, that I don't care about anyone else or how they feel, and that made my heart just break into a million pieces. Jill and I have had a very special friendship since we broke up, and for her to say that to me just absolutely crushed me. She apologized and told me she didn't mean it, but maybe she was right, maybe I am too self-centered. I worry about myself a lot - I wonder what happened to that kid that everyone used to love. Where'd he go? Because I'd sure like to know. Where's that kid with the big heart who always thought about everyone else first? Because I think I lost him at some point along the way. I've never really gotten over Jill, even though we broke up two years ago, but when I look at her now, I know that she'll never feel for me again the way she did before. And that's something I just can't change, and I have to live with it. What hurts even more is that she doesn't even give me the time of day anymore - she doesn't return calls, she doesn't call out of the blue, which makes me think that even Jillian has reached her point of letting me go, and that just sucks when you care about someone so much and you think they care about you in the same way, and then you get this smack in the face from reality that says, wake up you fool, you've been played with...again. She used to make me feel so alive...And there's Katie, who I had the biggest crush on this summer, and last night I saw her for the first time in a few months, and I thought the crush was over with, but it wasn't. My heart skipped a beat the second I walked in the door and the entire time my friends and I sat and talked to her. But she deserves better than me, maybe everyone does. I've tried my best, and I've just come to realize that maybe my best just isn't good enough anymore. A few weeks ago, I came out and told one of my best friends in the whole world that I thought I was in love with her - I put myself out there, and once again, to no avail. She told me that's just "a road that I'm not ready to go down." And I haven't heard from her since. That's what I get for being honest. Would you believe I'm to the point of resorting to those stupid online dating services? I actually posted a profile and pic on one of those things, hoping that maybe someone will take a chance on me. I've gotten some responses but you know how those things work - just like everything else in life - you just can't count on anybody. You can't count on people to be honest with you, or trust you, or to be there for you all the time. That's just the way it is, and I'm convinced that it will never change. Which is why everyday I remind myself why I'm ready to go, away from here. Far, far away - maybe out west, who knows? When I get the money to do it, I'll be gone, and no one will even know it. One night I'll just take off and go and life will go on like it always does. Maybe my close friends will realize I'm gone, but then they'll go on with their lives, they have to, that's just how it is and we have no control over it. So this is life? This is what everyone calls life. This isn't life. This is just a temporary existence, and someday it will end, and I'll get to start my real life, because believe me, I have been waiting for it to begin. And someday when I can get on my feet to go, I'll make it happen, and I'll get to start all over, without any of the past to haunt me. And at least one person will be with me, maybe the only person who understands me at all...that's something I thank God for everyday. That is one blessing I count. Aside from that, i go to bed every night and I say the same thing, "Just a little help, God, that's all I'm asking." I'm still waiting for him to hear me. I just want you all to understand that I can't help feeling like this...I wish I could...but sometimes, on nights like this, the truth just all comes out. Another year gone, another year coming, another year that will more than likely end with me feeling the same way. Any of you that I've hurt...I'm sorry. I do love all of you who are getting this, so just bear with me for awhile...please, just a little help, that's all I'm asking. So, Happy New Year...if you can even call it happy. Goodnight
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