Lost in a World
I've been watching things around me change lately...changing for the good, changing for the worse. And there are times when I'm really not so sure what's really going on in the world around me. I saw one of those license plate things in Spencer's the other day that said, "I smile because I have no idea what's going on," and while it was supposed to be funny, it's really been making me think lately because sometimes, I'm really not sure if I'm aware of all that's going on around me. While I do have my life moreso under control than I had at the beginning of school, there are still times when I feel like I've lost total control of my life. I'm doing well in 3 of my 4 classes, but Psychology is making me feel really stupid, something I'm not used to feeling. I studied my ass off for the last test and got a 76, which brings my average to a high D. If I don't get a C, I can't transfer. But sometimes when you lose, you win...What I mean by that is that for some reason unbeknownst to me, I'm not 100% sure that I want to transfer. I'm just beginning to make a life for myself here. I've got a job, I'm settled with school, and I've got friends, and I like being on my own. In a sense, it's still scary though...There are times when I definitely feel the reality of living on my own, yet there are also times when I know that I'm still just a little boy, wandering around this world with his head looking all around and his mouth locked open in amazement. I'm realizing more and more that all I am is human - I feel everything, although I don't always like to admit it. But I think in a way that everyone's like that - they try and act like nothing bothers them, that's they're tough as nails, stronger than oak, when in fact, they're torn apart inside. I have never really believed that holding everything in will eventually make it go away. Once I, or anyone else for that matter, hurts inside, we feel it. And yea, there are times when I don't want to talk about it to anyone but maybe that's because I don't want people to think that I'm weak and I can't handle it on my own. It wasn't until recently that I realized that talking about what's boterhing me doesn't make me weak...if anything, it makes me stronger because I'm not afraid to ask for help. And at that point, the only thing I really need is somebody to listen - not to judge me, or to necessarily offer advice, just to listen. I'm one of those people that gets very frustrated when I feel like I can't help a situation. For example, if one of my friends is hurting and doesn't want to talk about it, it really bothers me, probably because the saying is true that when someone you care about hurts, you hurt too. And for me, I feel this need to do anything and everything in my power to stop the hurting, and it's always hard for me to understand why my friends don't want help. But recently, I've also began to understand that when and if they want help, they know I"m here to listen, and that's all I really need to know. It's just the worst feeling in the world to feel helpless, wanting to ease a pain that you know you can't fix. I'm understanding too that things don't always go the way I plan them to, and I don't always get what I want. I've always been very spoiled by my parents...I usually get what I want if I whine about it enough, but when it comes to grownup/teenager stuff, it doesn't work like that. If it were up to me, everything would be perfect right now, but in reality, nothing is perfect, everything is temporary. I can't whine and hope that it will make everything bad go away. Lately, I've been faced with a few dilemmas...It looked to me like my relationship was going through some tough times, and for those of you who know my relationship past, I haven't always been the most stable person around. One month here, two months there...I've never had the security that I have now. And honestly, I was scared to death when the fighting became more constant and I didn't want to understand that there was trouble in what I called 'paradise,' but there was. And because of instinct, I almost decided that it was time to call it quits, because I am not a fighter...I don't like to argue with the people I love, but this time, for some divine reason, it was worth it, because I knew deep down that neither of us was ready to give up. And yes, I got frustrated because I wasn't sure what I wanted or what was going to happen, but at the same time, I understood. You see, I'm finally beginning to grasp the concept of loving someone so much that you'd walk through hell for them. Lately though, I may not have been acting like it. Everything has been new recently - I've been making new friends and I've been exposed to new surroundings. New surroundings = new girls. The funny thing is, while I may look and want to act, I don't...and it's for a few reasons that I never understood while I was in any relationship - I've never had someone love me as much as I am loved right now..I've never had the security of knowing that "No Matter What," we would stick together...I've never had someone cry for me because I was hurting...I've nver had someone try to understand what it was like to be in my position...I've nver had someone look directly into my eyes and know what I was thinking...and I've never had anyone go through so much shit with me and still be standing there when I came to my senses. That's what makes what I have right now so incredible. And while I may bitch and moan about it sometimes, I know what love is...finally. I've been welcomed into a world that I never knew existed until now, and it's the place where dreams can come true. I never really thought about how I was brought to her, but I was, and like it says in the Savage Garden song, "I think I dreamed you into life." Who knows? Maybe I did...I don't know what I would have done recently without my friends though...I have had so many people listening to me and trying to help me understand everything lately, and I never really got the chance to thank them. It's like Jill said, "All I want to do is make the people I love happy." It's so true. If any of my friends ever feel like they're nothing, I would consider myself a failure. I don't ever want any one of my friends to feel like they are unloved or unwanted because God as my witness, that is the most important thing in the world to me. My friends need to know that someone cares.
I want to stop for a second and apologize to all of you too if I've seemed a little out of sorts lately. With my world spinning, I never really knew where I was or where I stood, but now I'm starting to come to. I've really been starting to appreciate the little things more...I, for the first time, understand why I love little kids so much - they're so innocent and just working with them day after day makes me remember that I am so concerned about these huge problems I have, yet to them, a huge problem is something like the fact that they can't sleep with their baby at naptime. It's something that simple. And the simple joys they have? How about hearing, "Mr. Ford, my grandmom is coming over tonight. I'm so excited." And the cutest of all, I was told by 3 different little girls, "Mr. Ford, I'm gonna marry you." All I can do is smile and say, "Okay." It's those little minds that don't grasp the concepts that I grasp as an adolescent/adult, but it's amazing to me how differently we view things. I was walking back to the house today after class and at one point, I started to walk really slowly. It's a beautiful day today - cloud, windy. But to me, it's beautiful. This is my favorite type of day, and I actually thought enough today to stop for a second and appreciate it. It's little things like this that make me smile now. Little things like talks till 4 am, going out with Mel and then talking to her until 3 am, dreaming, having one of my Pre-Kers grab my hand and pull me over to play "Fishy Fishy Shark," hearing "I knew I loved you" on the radio, and hugging people that I care about. YOu know, I don't have it all figured out yet, and maybe I never will, but knowing that I'm loved, cared about, and knowing that no matter what I will always have someone to listen lets me think that I have it somewhat figured out. And right now, that's enough for me. 11/3/99
"Life consists of problems, living is solving these problems. You should live life to its fullest and never look back on the past."
Just for the record - Jill Morris, Nicole Lauro, Kathy Punzi, and Kristen Danielle Reed, I still love you guys so much.
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