Make My Heart Bounce
I haven�t really been myself lately and probably won�t be for a few more weeks. My life�s pretty hectic. I go to class Monday from 1030-1245 then work till 9ish, come home and do homework. Tues/Wed/Thurs, I go to class from 1030-7, come home, eat and do homework. Friday I work 1-3 and 4-11ish, Sat/Sun I work both jobs. I do about 3-4 hours of HW a night, have 35 books to read before June 25th, 35 note cards to write up, 6 quizzes, a presentation, 2 tests, projects, 2 finals, and a 50+ page classroom management handbook to turn in. Add my 2 jobs and a lack of sleep and hardly any time to go out, and I haven�t been much fun. So, my apologies to everyone. I�ve also been trying to help some people who are going through some very rough times lately, and that drains me, but I don�t mind at all � I don�t want them to feel alone, ever. I love them and I�m always here if they need me. As stressed as I am, that goes for all of you. If you really need me, I can make time. You can call at 4 am if need be. I�m always here. Until 6/25, just try and bear with me.
Ok. Let�s talk about the dating applications. This started as a big joke because of all of you who told me I date the �crazies� and that you all should get to �screen� them. So, we put it up as a joke. I couldn�t believe people actually filled them out. Funny thing is, I learned a lot about the people who filled them out. You actually put real effort and that was awesome. One in particular sticks out in my mind. It was one I wasn�t expecting, and also falls into the infamous �people I can�t have because of circumstances� category in life. Reading it made my day, so (you know who you are), thank you. Ok, onto the serious stuff.
Megan. I was supposed to go meet Megan this past Sunday, May 30th in Wheeling, WV. We�ve been talking online and on the phone for over a month now and we figured we should hang out. Since she lives in Indiana, we were going to meet halfway in Wheeling, spend some time together, stay overnight and then I was going to leave around 9 am the next morning because I had to work in PA at 4. At the time we planned it, it seemed like a good idea. As the time got closer, it didn�t seem so smart, especially when my closest friends and my family kept saying they didn�t think I should go. So, I thought about it. The whole time Meg and I have been talking, she�s confused me � not on purpose, that�s just how she is, no harm intended (at least I hope not). She wanted to meet but said nothing could come of it because we lived so far away. So, I thought, then why continue to flirt? Why does she say, �I don�t want to break my promise and fall in love with you.� It didn�t make sense. Plus, I would�ve only been there for less than a day because of my schedule. I was also a little nervous about spending a night in a room w/someone I just met that day. I also knew I couldn�t trust her if anything ever did come of us. I realized that it had taken me so long to recover from the breakup that meeting Megan would only result in more heartache, and I wasn�t about to put myself through that again. So, what did I do? What I usually do � I took myself out of the situation and avoided her as long as I could because I didn�t want to hurt her or have her mad at me. So, Adam and I drove up to Long Island on the 30th to see Avril perform, which of course made me happy. The next time I talked to Meg, she wasn�t even mad � �disappointed,� she said. We haven�t talked on the phone since. We talked online once or twice, and I basically said that I couldn�t let myself keep falling for her knowing that nothing could come of it. Besides an �I miss you� IM she left me, she hasn�t called because she thought I didn�t want to talk to her. I never said that. I just felt like she�d left. Now she�s mad at me, and I�ve run out of patience with the situation, so I pushed her out, like I do to everyone who gets too close. I thought, �Is it wrong to love somebody not because they�re the one, but because they�re the only?�
June. I�m sure you all heard me talk about how much I liked June in the beginning. She is fun to talk to on the phone. After we went out the first time, I felt differently. I�m not really sure what happened. I knew before we went out that she�d be leaving for over a month a few days later, and that bothered me. When I like someone, I want them to be around. Chels used to go away for 3 weeks in the summer, and even that bothered me. I know she�ll be back, but she�s still gone. She also wants to go to grad school in CA, and I knew that before we went on our first date, too. She�s also very busy, and I feel like I have to be �fit� into her schedule�and I hate feeling like that. So, I think I started pulling back before we even began. We went out and from the beginning, I didn�t have a good feeling because the restaurant she chose was the place Chels and I used to go all the time to celebrate special occasions. I took it as a bad omen. You all know what happened when we ordered so I�m not going to get into that again. Our conversation just wasn�t clicking like it did on the phone. By the end of dinner, my heart wasn�t in it anymore, but you all know me � I put on a good show. So, we went to play miniature golf. In the middle of the game, it started to thunder and lightning � another bad omen. Regardless, she wanted to finish playing in the rain. By 9, we�d finished and started back to West Chester. I was ready to go home. She hadn�t done anything really wrong � I was just wasn�t feeling it. On the way back to West Chester, she asked if I could help her put her loft bed together. I thought she was kidding. She wasn�t. Two hours later, the bed was together and I was on my way home, knowing nothing more would come of this. I hadn�t been feeling it all night. The next day, she told me she�d had a great time and that we should go out again. I didn�t have the heart to say I didn�t want to, and I figured I had a month before she came back; maybe talking on the phone would make her grow on me. Last Wednesday, she was passing through West Chester and was going to stop and see me. I was tired and I said that, and I knew I didn�t really want to hang out. I didn�t want to lead her on, but if she wanted to see me, okay. Who knows, right? She called, said she was too tired and wasn�t going to stop. I was hurt, not because I was excited, but because she made me feel like I wasn�t worth stopping for (even though she�d be gone for a whole month), and I hate feeling like that. So, at that point, I shut her out, told her I�d talk to her when she came back in June and see what was going on then. I got out of class early and started home. Halfway home, she called. I didn�t answer. I listened to her voicemail. She�d turned around and was going to W.C. to see me, but it was too late now. I knew she was just on her way there because of guilt. She left for CA; we�ve talked on the phone a few times. We talked last Wednesday night, but she wasn�t talking. So, if I wasn�t talking, there was silence. I hate silence on the phone. I asked why she wasn�t talking. She said she was at her brother�s friends� house and there were other people in the room. I said, �Well go in another room then.� She goes, �I�ll feel rude.� I thought, �Okay, then why call if you�re not going to talk?� Since Wednesday, I�ve avoided her because I don�t want to drag this out anymore. I know this isn�t what I want. I�m hoping she sees and understands. She doesn�t make my heart bounce.
I have a theory now that I�ve bought into � �The people I want, I can�t have, and the people that want me, I don�t want.� I�m continually meeting people who further prove this theory, and it sucks. You all know what I�m talking about � those people that do make your heart bounce and make you happy, yet because of circumstances, whatever they may be, you just can�t have them. You have to walk that line � the part of you that knows you can�t let them see how you really feel, so you put on a show and let them think you�re fine. In reality, though, you want to take them in your arms or hold their hands and feel your heart leap inside of you the way it used to. You will only meet a few people in your life that can make you feel that magic. I wonder if the bigger tragedy is not telling them or telling them and knowing that your heart will just be broken. I miss the magic.
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