| A Definitive Look at Peaches or, To Eat or Not To Eat? |
| When was the last time you took a good look at your diet? We all know that Five-A-Day-For-Better-Health is the catchphrase of the decade about fruits n veggies, but what aren't they telling us? Mmmmm... peaches. Where I live, a 30-minute drive down any rural half-dirt-road will yield at least 4 roadside stands advertising PEACHES $2.00 BAG or PICK YOUR OWN $5.00. Peaches abound in ice cream, yogurt, lollipops, Jolly Ranchers, lip gloss and body spray. Erin's little Pomeranian is named Peaches, and if something is cute or facetiously so, one says its "peachy". |
| Do you know who Jim Henson is? He is a dead genius who invented Kermit, Pigs in Space, The Muppet Show, Dark Crystal and many other definitive works on fantasy. He was also very, very wise. (this did not spare him from death, but I guess you can't ask for everything.) Jim Henson gave the world a sweet little ditty in 1986 titled Labyrinth, which some say is about a Labyrinth. I beg to differ. The movie is a social commentary on what I have titled The Silent Dance of the Peaches. |
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| Labyrinth, a movie screenwritten (screenwrited? written for the screen?) by the author of a book by the same title, gives us a quick peek into the world of Peach Harassment. The girl at left is Sarah, who--oopsy-- was stolen into the world of The Labyrinth when she invoked David Bowie. For God's sake, never invoke David Bowie. He's 50-ish now. It would be quite an experience these days. Anyway, Sarah made the mistake of accepting a peach. To make matters worse, she bit into it. |
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| At this point, David Bowie sealed her inside a bubble, quite similar to the one you see floating here... |
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| ...and Sarah was cursed for several minutes by having to wear the most god-awful ballgown ever conceived by the Whipped Topping Fairy. Luckily, the David Bowie song in this scene saved her from going into a fruit-induced coma, but it was a very close call. Peaches SEEM innocent enough, with their soft peachfuzz and peachy coloring. But as we can see by this shocking metaphorical example (toned down greatly for the 1986 audience), they are NOT to be trifled with! |
| Sarah began at once to trip her balls off--apparently the only redeeming trait of the Peach species. She was completely smashed within seconds. Yes, after one bite! Peaches are very very potent! ...(they get weaker after the third or fourth time.) Soon Sarah was completely helpless. |
| In moderner times, peaches have been a highly-trafficked substance on the black market and on college campuses, where "peach trips" have gained near-cult status. They remain difficult to acquire, though they have appeared in places such as eBay. |
| Final Words: Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT try peaches unless you are over 14 OR have a responsible person watching you to make sure the Whipped Topping Fairy does not clothe you! My friend Harmony notes that the last time she was on a peach-trip, she believed her hands were on backwards, and Fraggles were harassing her. I am sure she was just hallucinating about the hands. |
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