| Green Lights: The New Bathroom Mirror or, "Is He Gonna Go Or Not?" |
| Call me crazy, but I was under the impression that when you're in the CAR, you're supposed to be DRIVING. Now, I won't even get into the tired discussion about whether people need to be using cellphones, carrying three unrestrained Boston Terriers, and having sex in the front seat while driving. That's up to you. That's your ass on the line. But when I'm sitting behind someone in a twelve-foot-wide Volvo wagon at 4:51 pm. on my way to work and they're SITTING at a GREEN LIGHT doing god-knows-what, then I get a little annoyed. You know how it is. |
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| It's inevitable. You know as well as I that it only happens on the day you're late for work and you only have one or maybe two more late days you KNOW you can get away with, depending on the manager, and in three more lights you can be there. So what do you do? I'm stepping on it, pushing my 1984 Buick Electra with massive manly V8 power past, through and over pussy little SUVs, flipping people off, roaring through yellow lights, swerving to avoid cops on bicycles, etc. The usual "hi-ho, hi-ho, off to work I go," drill... Then it happens. The light. One car ahead of me. The Volvo wagon. Maybe a Jeep Cherokee. Maybe a Focus with a jesusfish decal on the back bumper. In any case, the person inside IS ABSOLUTELY, without the SHADOW OF A DOUBT, COLORBLIND! "Please go," I say nicely, smiling into their rearview mirror. "The light is green. I swear to god that's green." |
| But no, noooo. They're just sitting there. The light has been red for two, maybe three years, but it's changed to a green greener than the greeny greens of Ireland. If there were four lanes of traffic it might help, because this person is apparently one of those cow-types who can't manage to step on the gas unless someone beside him goes first. So what's he doing in there? Sometimes I watch when I'm not lying on the horn or beating my head against the driver's side window. Sometimes they're doing what I call the "Bathroom Mirror" activities: staring off into space, using the rearview mirror to put on mascara, picking at his face, idly rubbing his goatee, picking his nose, or scratching his hair in that endless mule-like way that says he could just scratch himself all day. "Do you see my car?" I scream at his rear bumper. "This is a drug-dealer's car! Do you see my whitewall tires, you motherfucker? I run over children with this car!! Do you know what complimentary colors are, you freaking moron?" Will you take a quick test for me? The following is a one-question driving test. If you pass this, you are allowed to drive. Which of the boxes below is green? |
| Did you pick the correct box? If you picked the box on the left, congratulations! You are as smart as the people in my town! There's something aggravating about watching my digital car-clock flip from 4:53 to 4:54, waiting for "Owner of a Lonely Heart" to end on the radio so something GOOD has a chance to come on, smelling the fragrant scent of hi-emission cars pooting exhaust around me, and staring at the license plate of the Cherry-red Focus in front of me, willing it to move by the power of my mind. Of course, all these red Focusi around may have been bought by people who thought they were buying green. Not that I have road-rage--I don't think I do, because I can watch someone change lanes without using those amazing little contraptions God called a "turn signal" and not get overly pissed, but some day I'm just going to give up and drive over the back of someone's car. I'm gonna pull a Monster-Truck rally move and I won't be sorry. Please, guys. Please, for fuck's sake, watch the traffic light. You're in your goddamn car, not the bathroom. You have between 30 seconds and two minutes to finish having sex, push the terriers out of your lap, and comb your hair. You can do it. I've seen you breeze through the cigarette-line at Local Gas Station in twelve microscopiseconds. If you like a list, here's a concise set of instructions. 1. When you see the light ahead of you turn red, stop BEFORE you get there. 2. Watch the light. It will change color AND location. If it only changes color, do not move. Only move if BOTH happen. 3. Continue to watch the light as you wait for this to occur. 4. When the light changes from red (on top) to green (on the BOTTOM), move your car forward through the intersection. 5. A delay of more than twenty seconds will result in you being shot in the back of the head. Enoy your drive! |
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