That kid grew up to be me. Sky Escape Joker was promptly thrown out by concerned mother after I started sucking on the groin after I'd worn out the head. It was the end of an era: awesome toys were being replaced by shit-hoe toys.
Case in point: those Johnson and Johnson soap bag things. Technically, they aren't toys, but I figured I'd build up from shit products I could say stuff about to even more hilariously shit products I could say stuff about. Okay, these soap bags are total shit.
The ad depicts a topless black boy grooving to his own undoubtedly black beat in the shower. He then foolishly THROWS THE SOAP. We then learn that if he bothered to store said soap in a special bag, he wouldn't have dropped it. What, now they're charging TWENTY MUH'FUCKIN DOLLARS for a bag you put soap in?
AS if to convince us more, a later scene shows said black boy holding a piece of soap in each hand - one in a bag, the other without. He promptly drops the bagless soap, AGAIN, and then nods with confidence at the bag-rich soap. It took him a whole extra shower to figure out the bag-rich soap would have better non-dropping capabilities than the bag-free soap? Ass.
And plus, I don't care whether you're an adorable nine-year-old black boy in a Johnson and Johnson ad or not, if you can't hold on to a piece of soap, you're a fucking retard. Even monkeys can hold onto soap.
Then there's the No Monsters Spider Whackers. What the hell are these, you ask? Take a look at Carman.org for a glimpse into the insanity of organised religion. This site is run by Christian rapper/madman Carman. For those unfamiliar with Carman, I simply redirect you to his straight-to-video talk show, Time 2, in which he wears his blue blazer and yells hateful anti-homosexual propaganda at the viewers, in between rad music videos depicting Carman playing basketball in "da ghetto". In a desperate attempt to raise money, Carman, sells total shit via his website.
(Note: his website consists of 80% "Donate Now!" links, 15% information on toys available for sale, and 5% elaborate diagrams of a wackymatic milkshake machine!)
(Note: the milkshake machine part is just me irreverently kidding around! That extra 5% is made up of photos of Carman himself and "Donate Now!" links)
Some of the shithouse toys Carman sells include:
1) "God Bless America" Neck Lanyards
2) "Rock With The Flock" and "Jam With The Lamb" CD Cases - exactly what sheep and CD cases have to do with one another is known only to Carman and several select members of the I'm Totally Fucking Insane Academy.
3) beach towels with "Radically Saved" stitched on them. Be the radicalest Christian on the beach this summer, y'all!
4) a lunch pail that has the words "Jesus... Period" embossed on them. Fact: anyone, ANYONE who uses the word "pail" in place of more appropriate words such as "lunch box" either magically travelled through time from the 1950s, or has Down's Syndrome.
The dumbest items on sale here, however, are the "No Monsters Whackers" Spider Raquets. I'll let Carman's own description of said product speak for its own insane self:
(Note: all punctuation, sentence structure and stupidity is exactly the same as is presented on the website.)
"These items produce the most fun you'll have in a long time. Providing you can borrow them from the kids. These are the "No Monsters Spider Whackers". The bouncy mesh on the handles are like a gum substance in the paddle that makes the spiders fly to your partner. These are too cute and too much fun to stay in stock long. Each comes with two paddles and two spiders...and lots of laughter."
Oh, dear God. God no. First of all, I'm not sure what the word "Monsters", used in the product's name, has to do with either tennis or spiders. Carman obviously saw that awesome episode of Scooby Doo in which the Scooby Gang team up with basketball legends The Harlem Globetrotters in order to defat a "monster"! Under the impression that monsters were thus cool, he randomly slapped the word "monster" onto whatever product was vomited from his Malaysian sweatshop first. In this case: crappy paddles with what are intended to be spiders.
Carman also implies that the spiders "fly to your partner" when placed on the "gum substance". He doesn't mention having to HIT the spider to your partner. And trust me, when products are made out of a "gum substance", said products break after like fifteen fucking minutes. When he says, "These items produce the most fun you'll have in a long time. Providing you can borrow them from the kids", what he means is, "Providing they don't fall apart in the mail."
Even if I COULD get them off the kids, I doubt I'd have much fun with them, unless I used them to lure orphans to a sinister subterranean obstacle course I created, where the only rule is that there are no rules.
And that final sentence: "Each comes with two paddles and two spiders...and lots of laughter." Unless the spiders come alive and breakdance to Vanilla Ice's "Ninja Rap", I seriously doubt I'll encounter lots of laughter.
Read it again: "Each comes with two paddles and two spiders...and lots of laughter."
Does that last sentence scream out for an exclamation mark (!) on the end or what? And the use of those three dots (...) to build up to the punchline? PRICELESS. Carman, if your rappin' career doesn't pan out, you're welcome to write product descriptions for my monthly catalogue, in which I sell ladders and ladder-related supplement products. Sample quote: "This ladder comes... with three rungs... and lots of CLIMBING! That is... if you can get it off the kidz! Flava!"
You too would consider suicide if you were Carman.
The last product on my list: Stink Blasters. These, in essence, are smelly bags. They make bad smells. They retail for thirty dollars. Hey, could I take a shit in a plastic bag and sell it for thirty dollars? Better yet, I could pay a hobo five dollars to shit in a plastic bag and sell said bag for thirty-five dollars, because EVERYONE knows vagrants have smellier shit than I do (due to the fact they live entirely off rubbish and dead cats they find lying on the roadside), and would gladly pay the extra five dollars for the smellier bag.
Seriously... I just can't comprehend anyone willing to buy Stink Blasters... just... 'nuff said.
In conclusion, I would like to leave you with three important words:
Time travelling dinosaurs.
Whoah, whoah, just listen. Everyone knows dinosaurs are cool. But wouldn't they be so much cooler if they had time travelling capabilities? And they got their time travelling powers by wearing magical sunglasses? If they made toys out of that I would buy like ten fucking copies and force my kids to play with them.
Moral of the story? Time travelling dinosaurs rule.
