When I got home and went though "My Shared Folder", where I store my various hit songs, I realized what could be worse: fuckup crackwhore songs. Deciding to make lemonade of lemons, like the time I put one of my horrifying cancers in someone's "crisp" packet and snickering as they unknowingly ate it, I elected to write a brief but uproarious webpage about the said shit songs in my computer folder.
Due to the insane fucking filing system my computer uses to store the songs - namely, at random - I will write a brief piece about each shocking song I had the misfortune of downloading in order from left to right, top to bottom, much like people read books, or fight rows of carefully arranged ninjas!
* Note = because of the fun "song" theme of this article, each detailed analysis of each song will be awesomely incorporated into a "rap" format. For example, "This song is gay/ We don't like it that way".
** Note = after careful consideration by the In His Blazer "team", analysis will no longer be in rap format, due to alarming shittiness of my rapping abilities, as evidenced by appalling above "rap".
Song #1: Chris "Corky" Burke - Forever
First things first: Chris "Corky" Burke is a retard. He has Down Syndrome. Now that we've eloquently gotten those facts out of the way, I am free to analyse the song. This really is Chris' most touching song: a 26-second opus with Chris incoherently muttering such sweet nothings as "Girl, I will love you forever and ever", "You are everything to me", "You are my life", and "I will always love you." There are a few logic loopholes in this song. Namely, a song called "Forever" should probably be a little longer than 26 mesmerising seconds of Mongoloid-induced pain. Also, in our society, people tend to "sing" songs, not mutter phrases they may have seen on 1800-IAMGAY phone sex ads on late night TV and pass it off as singing. Additionally, I wasn't aware that retards could love anything that didn't consist of swirling colours and/or various barnyard sounds. But the song is just so darn touching, I couldn't give it anything less than 2/10.
Song #2: Richard Dean Anderson - Black Rhino
This isn't technically a song, just a brief cliplet from a thrilling episode of TV classic "MacGyver", in which MacGyver fights poachers or some shit. The clip consists of Richard Dean Anderson and special guest superstar Cuba Gooding Jr. talking to each other. Cuba asks Mac "if he thinks it'll work". Richard Dean replies, "I hope so, Billy. I sure hope so." This indicates that 1) they actually stooped so low as to imaginatively have a character called "Billy", and that 2) they actually stooped so dumbass as to have Richard Dean bookend the word "Billy" with the phrases "I hope so," and, "I sure hope so." After this ominous exchange, Richard Dean boldly, hilariously announces, "This is Richard Dean Anderson. In 1989, there are less than 4000 black rhinos alive in the wild. Unless something is done, the current rate of killing will make them extinct by the year 2000." After laughing myself into a pant-wetting, unintelligible mess, I resolved never to poach another precious black rhino, and to instead target rare African bull elephants for their delicious ivory. 4/10.
Song #3: Chris "Corky" Burke - California Dreaming
Another Chris Burke chart-topper, this one a rip-roaring cover of the classic "California Dreaming". Unlike the previous, better-known version, this one lasts a whopping 33 seconds, and is sung by a retard with the nickname "Corky". If we've learned anything from these retard-person songs, it's that retards obviously can't sing songs that last any longer than 33 seconds without help from backup singers. Gay, gay, backup singers (see Song # 11). 2/10.
Song #4: MC Hammer - Hammerman Theme Song
Anyone remember MC Hammer? No? That's why he now goes by the moniker "Long Lost Rap Twat MC Hammer". Anyway, he released a classic cartoon series in the early 90s, which depicted Hammer receiving magical breakdancing shoes and fighting crime with thanks to the radical abilities of said shoes. The theme song was obviously churned out in 12 minutes of frantic rapping and tapping on an inexpensive Casio electronic organ. The lyrics do not rhyme, nor do they fit the music. Thus, Hammer frantically squeezes the phrase, "He was given magical shoes/ From a hip-hop Motown dude/ Together they had power/ They stood up for what was right!" into a basic melody. This wretched rhymin' only ends when Hammer reaches the imaginative chorus, which consists of the catchcall "Hamerman, Hammer!" repeated over and over. And over, and over. And over. So this is what he meant when he said he was 2 Legit 2 Quit! Needless to say, this cockdrinking show was cancelled before its first birthday. Evidently not 2 legit, eh, Hammer? Eh? 3/10.
Song #5: The Star Wars Gang - We Wish You a Merry Christmas
To capitalize on the worldwide success of the Mark Hamill thriller "Star Wars", George Lucas enlisted his friends and family to record this wretched Christmas carol. The hilarious opening depicts those two loveable droids, C3PO and R2D2, hilariously beeping at and presumably rubbing their robotic penises all over one another. This whimsical "rap" soon degenerates into a choir of kids singing "R2D2 we wish you a merry Christmas!" I didn't know they celebrated Christmas in space, only, if Mark Hamill's presence in space is any indication, Hitler's birthday. 1/10.
Song #6: Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling Boot Band - Beach Patrol
Two and a quarter minutes of wrestling megastar Hulk Hogan huskily rapping about girls needing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. It also contains the cautionary warnings, "Whoop there it is" and "Pump it up, pump it up, pump up the bass". This song, while admittedly not very good, at least inspired me to create my own rudimentary beach patrol, which consists of myself and three friends walking around a beach and meteing out our own brand of violent beach justice. 2/10.
Song #7: Wesley Willis - Rock 'n' Roll McDonalds
This isn't really a hilariously bad song. Sure, the tune is awful, as are the lyrics, as is the singing, but it's sort of SUPPOSED to be funny. However, it's worth a mention just for this one blazing verse of complete and utter fucking songwriting genius: "McDonalds is a place to rock/ It is a restaurant where they buy food to eat/ It is a good place to listen to the rock music/ People flock here to get down to the rock music". Despite the shocking factual inaccuracy of those lyrics, they are without doubt the greatest lyrics to any song. Ever. 7/10.
Song #8: Vanilla Ice - Ninja Rap
'Nuff said. Vanilla raps, and a ninja "wails" on an electric guitar. Awesomeness ensues. 2/10.
Song #9: Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling Boot Band - Hulkster's in the House
Hulk Hogan reappears to rock our faces off with his own unique style of hard-hitting rock music and mind-numbing stupidity. This song is pretty much "When the going gets tough/ The tough get rough" repeated over and over, while someone, presumably a ninja, "wails" on an electric guitar. It might be worth mentioning at this stage that the Wrestling Boot Band probably consists entirely of two crappy studio musicians, neither of whom is Hulk Hogan. 3/10.
Song #10: Roy Ayers - King George
Without doubt the sexiest song on this list. With its pulsating porno beats, and sensuous lyrics, "George, George, yeah, he's a pimp, he's a pusher, yeah", it transports the listener into his or her own fantasy world, where everyone is black, and everyone is naked. For more information, see the blaxploitation classic "Coffy", in which the charatcer of King George (on whom this song is based), or the cheaply constructed dummy impersonating him for that scene, is hilariously dragged along at high speed on a rope behind a car. 6/10.
Song #11: Chris "Corky" Burke - Eating is Fun, Eating is Serious
Without doubt Chris Burke's masterpiece. In it, he and his two backup singers, neither of whom back him up but instead dominate his piss-poor vocals with their own harmonious voices, give us the pros and cons of eating. Pro: if we eat, it's fun! Con: if we don't eat, it can get serious, or we could even completely disapperious! This is the only song by Chris that lasts longer than 33 seconds, because Chris doesn't expend all his valuable Mongoloid energy staying conscious and focused through an ENTIRE song. They just get him to occasionally say a food-related quote, whilst his backup singers do all the rockin' work. Overall, a good effort. 7/10.
Song #12: Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling Boot Band - I Want to be a Hulkamaniac
Without doubt, the greatest song ever recorded. Huskily rapping over a blazing disco MIDI meoldy, Hulkster dispenses helpful advice, such as "Can you feel the music/ Can you feel the beat/ You don't need drugs to move your feet", "Always go swimming/ With a buddy/ Work real hard and always study". Despite the contradictory nature of a steiroid-enhanced psychopath warning against against drug use, the song has a heartfelt honesty that is no better expressed than by the repetitive chorus: "I wanna be a Hulkamaniac/ Have fun with my family and friends". Despite the fact Hulk's backup singers repeat this phrase no less than 82 times during the duration of the song, this hit will have you jammin' at the poolside all summer long! 10/10.
Song #13: Hulk Hogan and the Wrerstling Boot Band - Hulkster in Heaven
Ruining all of the good-will created by his prior dance hit, Hulkster released this contemptible piece of tat. Hulkster mournfully sings about the death of a young, cancer-stricken wrestling fan/retarded trailertrash kid who may or may not have unthinkingly muttered something incoherent about Hulk Hogan as he passed on and had it mistakenly interpreted as a desire to have Hulk Hogan sing a wretched ballad about him. According to this song, Hulkster wants to team up with the dead kid in heaven and fight a tag-team wrestling match, whilst in the macabre incarnation of "ghosts". 1/10.
And that's about it. I'm now going to record my own dreadful power ballad, about the time this immigrant kid got hit by a car outside my house. For now, let me leave you with this word of wisdom: if Hulk Hogan fell over in a forest, would he make a sound, or instead star in a shitwhore TV series about a talking boat with fabulous hi-tech powers called "Thunder in Paradise", Thunder being the boat, and Paradise being the island paradise where he has boat-related adventures? Think about that.
The End.
