Let's get this straight. The Golden Globes are fucking shit. I'm surprised anyone actually bothers to turn up. The Golden Globes are apparently handed out by the Hollywood Foreign Press, whatever the hell that is. I'm not even sure the celebrities know what it is. Now, this Foreign Press is, I hear, made up of 50 old men. 50. Five - Zero. To rub salt into the wound, these 50 old men don't do anything. A typical annual schedule of the Hollywo0d Foreign Press voter reads as follows:
January - dispense gay-ass Golden Globes.
August - slip over whilst in shower and badly break hips.
That's it. Aside from these two important appointments, these fuckmasters don't do anything. They don't do anything which gives them the right to hand out awards to people cooler than they are, including Jack Nicholson. I still can't figure out why someone as cool as Jack Nichsolson took time out of his busy schedule of throwing prostitutes down staircases and having sex with prostitutes to turn up and accept an award from these losers.
Needless to say, the ceremony does make for some particularly amusing events. What follows is my irreverently funny log of the night! (Note: I didn't actually keep a log, all the times are made up)
12 pm - Harrison Ford presented the award for Best Director. One of the nominess directed the blockbuster "Adaptation". Harrison, possibly under the influence of a chilling, cleverly concealed auditorium sniper, pronounced it "Adaption". To be fair, Adaption makes more sense than Adaptation. How often do you hear about anyone "adaptating" something? Harrison, you can do whatever you want. Through your incarnations of Indiana Jones and Han Solo, and for the time you bailed me out of that Paraguay prison, you have my everlasting respect. That still doesn't explain why you can't fucking read a word off of a fucking teleprompter you stupid fucking old fuckmaster.
3 am: Gratuitous closeup of Jack Nicholson clapping and laughing.
2 pm: Jennifer Aniston forgot to thank sexy hubby Brad Pitt. As soon as she left the stage, we were shown a lingering clip of Brad weeping in the audience. To be fair, he wasn't weeping, but he looked funny. Possibly due to fact he has a hilarious mullet. But isn't he just a total DREAM? See you at the mall, Stephanie! Whatever, my daddy totally grounded me cos I like, totally MAXED OUT his credit card.
4 pm: gratutious shot of Jack Nicholson clapping and laughing whilst repeating the phrase "Michael", possibly because Michael Caine was onstage, or possibly because he is having a drug flashback to his stint with The Monkees and is reliving the drunken hippie orgy he participated in with be-hatted hitmaker Mike Nesmith.
8 pm: gratuitous shot of Jack Nicholson clapping and laughing.
3 am: Sharon Stone presents an award to Richard Gere. Now let's get this staright, I don't like Richard Gere, but cut him so slack you fucking whoremaster. Despite the fact it should be Ricky G's one shining moment of onstage erotic performance art, Sharon Stone stole all his erotic thunder. She yelled out the nominees and the winner, and then proceeded to yell incoherently, and somehwat sexually, during Richard's speech. I can somewhat understand her longing for attention, due to the fact she hasn't had a hit since 1992 when she made heartwarming childhood dramedy "Man of the House" starring teen heartthrob Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Oh wait, she wasn't in that. Double Oh wait, it wasn't a hit. FACE, bitch!
4 pm: Jack Nicholson, callping, laughing, gratuitous.
In conclusion, the Golden Globes are fucking shit and should be treated as such by all superstars, including Hollywood's Bad Boy Jack Nicholson.
P.S. - all the winners were undeserving except for Jack.
P.P.S - who else out there was enraged beyond belief when hot Christian rapper Carman lost out in Best Original Song to Madonna's Shittastic "Die Another Day". Why didn't his fantabulous "Resurrection Rap" win the honours? Wait... Madonna didn't win. And wait... Carman wasn't nominated. And wait again... the Resurrection Rap sucks the cock hard! My apologies!
