http://www.incrediblescenarios.multiservers.com/colby.htm
Go there... or be SQUARE!
Some shows make you laugh. Remember that episode of Full House when Stephanie reversed the car into the family kitchen? Remember that episode of Full House when their Greek grandfather Papouli died violently in his sleep? Yep, some shows sure do pile on a laffs! However, no show has done it as well as the seminal Colby's Clubhouse.
Let's clarify now: this show is a complete and utter fucking disgrace. The overall concept is enough to destroy even the zest for life possessed by wisecracking action star Bruce Willis. A 10 foot tall talking Chrsitian computer, Colby, hangs out around a Southern California "clubhouse" with a ragtag group of multi-racial kids. Except for Asians, because apparently they are evil. Anyway, these kids "chill" at Colby's Clubhouse. Sometimes they don't actually do anything at the clubhouse that would normally entail being in a "club", such as playing cards, talking to one another, or moving their bodies. They are often seen sitting passively upon boxes as Colby waves his hands in the foreground.
However, on occasion, the kids have problems. Colby always seems to solve the problems through the magic of being a raving fucking lunatic. In one touching episode, a black boy, Kevin, is being bullied by the mighty "Lucas". Kevin is surely the first spunky Christian to ever be bullied by some fatass Mongoloid kid, but that's the way it all happens. Colby proposes a solution to prevent further bullying. If Kevin offers to help Lucas with his math homework, in exchange for basketball lessons, maybe the bullying will stop! Colby seems to forget three important things when dispensing this advice to Kevin:
#1 - people with Down's Syndrome such as Lucas can't do maths or play basketball. That's why we have special schools, and Special Olympics.
#2 - even discounting the fact that Lucas is retarded, there's no way in hell a spunky black kid would need basketball lessons from a lame white kid.
#3 - most bullies, when offered the ultimatum that Lucas if offered, would not accept. Hell, I'm not even a bully, and if some fag approached me and asked me for basketball lessons in exchange for maths lessons, I would corner him in the locker rooms, give him a wedgie, steal his lunch money, and then rag all over his girl in the cafeteria. That's how fucking stupid this ultimatum is.
What is even stupider is that it works. After a tense confrontation, Lucas arrives at the clubhouse. He is sung to by a variety of young girls, whilst suspiciously holding a basketball over his genitals, possibly to conceal an erect penis. After that, he denounces bullying, and the episode closes with a montage of Lucas teaching Kevin how to lay down a Shaq Attaq. Television doesn't get much worse.
What's even dumber is that nobody seems to mind that a mysterious, dangerous-looking computer in rollerskates and a gay green cap is luring innocent kids to his secluded wooden shack and forcing them to dance for him, often in a variety of kinky costumes. In one episode, Colby is invited to a theme park with the kids. Colby is concerned about his appearance, possibly because he's finally realised that he's a fucking computer on rollerksates. However, one of the kids tells him that, "You look fine just like that, Colby!" So, not only are these kids Christians, but they're fucking idiots as well. He doesn't look fine. He looks like he should be knocking over Tokyo with gamma rays whilst singing rad Christian pop songs such as "Psalm 1:23 Rap". (Note: I regret to inform you that this song does actually exist.)
Stupider and stupider things happen. A bizarre and terrifying gypsy called Vandela Virus attempts to kidnap Colby to force him to write hit songs for her. The kids trap her in a net. using the technological magic of early-90's TV, she... gasp... VANISHES! There's so much wrong with this paragraph that I am seriously considering trying to destroy the Internet via a macabre "Internet Ghost" in a vain attempt to get rid of it.
In one episode, a troubled teen is driving to a party! Possibly to use drugs! He then ploughs into a tree. Sounds dramatic, I know, but the crash is so obviously simulated to avoid damaging the vehicle as to cause one's brain to bleed. A few slo-mo reaction shots from inside the car, and we fade to the car parked moderately close to a tree. The last time I drove my 4WD into a tree I was hurled through the windshield at 60 mph and my "ride" was irreversibly damaged. The extent of the damage done to this 4WD is... it was violently parked near a tree! Someone call the cops! According to the show, someone did. The boy's father arrives on the cop-free scene, proclaiming that the police called him. This presents a number of problems. It means that the police are now cruising up to car accidents, asking the mangled victims their parents' phone numbers, alerting the parents, and then driving off to pound a new inner-city beat, leaving the victims to choke on shards of broken windscreen. It also means that cars parked close to trees are now considered accidents worthy of parental alert. What's even dumber is that the cause of the crash is apparently the boy listening to music. Forget drugs or speeding... the real cause of crashes is Milli Vanilli! Oh wait, it wasn't a fucking crash. It was PARKED CLOSE TO A TREE. Cockdrinkers.
Colby solves all manner of problems. All the tickets to the latest Crystal Lewis concert sold out? Just invite Crystal Lewis round to your clubhouse to perform "Shine, Jesus, Shine"!
Is a friend of yours in a coma? Just perform at the local Talent Quest, and you'll forget all about him and his sickly, atrophied, comatose body!
Do you dress like a hobo? Do the local girls make fun of the vagrant garments? Just make your friends feel guilty so that they buy some hot new threads for you!
Did a friend of yours win a contest ahead of you, thus winning a horse? Just discover near the end that she helps retarded kids on the horses, thus making it all better! (Note: chillingly, the girl reveals that the retarded kids "...have to be balanced right or they fall off!" This indicates that not only did they go through several pratice retards before they figured out the magic secret, but that the makers of Colby's Clubhouse do not grasp the concept of objects needing to be balanced before they fall over, including such obscure and little-seen objects like retards, refrigerators and even buildings!)
Every episode is pretty much as sloppy as the last one. They don't even bother to re-do the dance sequences when someone fucks up. Like the time one of them foolishly dropped her hat. Or whenever the lips fall out-of-synch with the prerecorded religious pop hits. Or the time, during one of their impromptu raps, that one of the kids slowly descended into a chilling fantasy world and begin to forget the dance steps, heedlessly leaping and jiving all across the stage. Or whenever they include subtitles so viewers can sing along, and they misspell "salvation" as "slavation". I mean, I splel shit wrongn all the fucking time, but I don't broadcast it on fucking TV. I just put it on the Internet, where nobody can see it. The entire show is just one fucking trainwreck after the other. This description only scratches the hilarious surface.
At the centre of it all is Colby, one of the most truly inept children's idols since Mario the Talking Heroin-Addict Puppet from 1975's short-lived, controversial series Sexame Street. Only that show didn't exist, so Colby is the winner by default. He is so inept that in one camping episode, filmed on location in some crummy park, they had to take off the skates from his costume so that he could stride with confidence and finesse across the grass without falling over, cracking his skull open, and drowning inside the foam rubber costume in his own blood, unable to get up to seek aid. In fact, he's so inept that in one episode, he doesn't even bother to appear, despite prominent billing in the credits, specifically the title "Colby's Clubhouse". Maybe the suit was unavailable that week. It was probably all the way over in Japan defending Kyoto from that giant, mysterious moth creature known only as Kitashi!
Colby's Clubhouse beats out such Christian kids' shows as Circle Square, Joy Junction, Superbook, Flying House, Nana Pudding and The Reppies to take the #1 spot as Shittiest Show of All Time.
(P.S. - The Reppies is also really funny, concerning a family of cheaply-hired Mexican immigrants in reptile costumes who perform in a band called The Reppies. The show also contains suspicious Nazi undercurrents, including the lead singer Razz prominently giving the Sieg Heil salute to an audience of kids whilst singing about "The Great Revolution".)
In His Blazer over and out - and erotic.
