Players braved the creepy atmosphere of Hotel Delfino, complete with �ghosts�. The contestants had an hour to escape their hotel rooms, which were equipped with electric locks. DK�s identity as �the Mole� was finally unveiled and he was forced to leave the game. We now bring you Episode 3 of Nintendo: The Mole, finally bringing the players to the Space Pirate Fortress, where chaos will surely ensue:
A phone rings in a dark, mysterious room.
�Yes?�
�Hello, this is IngRaider, calling to inform you that you are the Mole. Be advised that your identity should be concealed at all times. I trust you know the rest of the rules.�
�Its party time.� responds the voice in a cool, casual tone.
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The contestants awake from their rooms and proceed to the main hall of the hotel as they were instructed to do in a letter they each had received. Now, IngRaider approaches them and begins to speak.
�Greetings contestants. Today, as you know, we will be flying to planet Zebes for our next round. A new Mole has been chosen and you must beware. In this episode, there will be rewards given to some players based on what they do, so pay attention to the game, folks, �cause it�s about to change.�
The players all think about what IngRaider has just said.
�Time to board the spacecraft.� announces IngRaider.
�Yay, a spacecraft.� says an excited Wario.
Everyone expresses their joy and they begin to board, Mario in the front, with Wario bringing up the rear. All of a sudden, a shadowy spear passes in front of the line of players. They all step back and gasp as they turn around. A shadowy, Mario-esque figure steps out of the darkness overshadowing the hotel.
�Mario.� he says. �We meet again. But for the last time. I shall do away with you for all eternity on my father�s behalf.�
He unsheathes a knife and tosses it at Mario, who jumps out of its path, in the nick of time. The knife returns to its owner like a boomerang.
�Mama-mia� he cries.
�Oh dear,� says Zelda.
�Oh, you�ll be in more pain than that when this is over. It�s go time!� Shadow Mario pulls out a machine gun and begins to open fire on everyone in the clearing.
�CUT!� shouts IngRaider, freezing the bullets in mid-air, and causing them to fall to the ground harmlessly with a wave of his arm. �THIS is definitely not in the script. This is an E-rated feature. There will be no destructive gun violence. Edit this out.� he says, disgusted at Shadow Mario�s appearance in the show.
�Hey buddy.� Shadow Mario says to IngRaider. �I�m not IN the script.� he says, as he begins to rapidly shoot at IngRaider. He weaves and dodges around most of the shots before realizing he can turn invisible and does so. Realizing that this will get him nowhere, Shadow Mario stops shooting. IngRaider becomes visible with a large portion of his hair incinerated.
�I was gonna let you off easy.� he shouts. �But you NEVER touch the hair.� IngRaider draws the Annihilator Beam, charges it up, and menacingly points it at Shadow Mario, who disappears in a flash. �Whew that was a close one. Are you ok?� he says to his hair, as if it were a small child. �Wouldn't want anything happening to you, now would we?�
�Ok��..� says Peach. �That was kinda weird.� Everyone laughs.
�So it was. Begin boarding the vessel.�
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�Infiltration complete, master. Now aboard the starship.�
�Yes, excellent. We�ll destroy these fools one-by-one.�
�Let�s do it. Break out the atomic bombs! He he he. We�ll make these losers wish they were never born.�
�All in good time, Crump. But first, my soap.�
�But sir, you smell just fine.�
�Not that soap, you nitwit.�
�Ok.�
�We must bide our time and strike when the time is right. You know what they say, haste makes waste.�
�Who exactly says this, sir?�
�THEY do, Crump, they do.�
�How silly of me for not knowing� he says sarcastically.
�Just keep a watch on them. I want to see everything. Don�t want you to mess up like our first assassin (The shuffling of feet is heard.). Watch yourself. They�re coming.�
�Yes sir,� he says, as he drinks an invisibility potion that does not have an effect on his clothes. �Ah shucks,� he complains, as he dives under the bed.
Conversation is heard amongst the contestants. The once-quiet starship is filled with conversation.
�So who do you think the Mole is?� asks Yoshi.
�I think it�s Wario- did you see what he�s wearing?� responds Peach.
�For your information, I bought-a my clothes at the best-a local retailer.� says Wario.
�Where?� asks Yoshi.
�Walmart.� replies Wario.
�Point proven.� says Peach.
�So what�s this way I can save 15% or more on my car insurance?� asks Bowser.
�Geico.� answers Ganondorf.
�What did you call me?� Bowser says angrily.
�Ah, forget it. What do you think Zebes is like?� wonders Ganondorf
�I bet it�s beautiful, with a rainbow throughout the land and people that are always happy. And there�s this little leprechaun who has a pot of gold waiting to be found.� says Tingle stupidly.
�More like evil Space Pirates bent on destruction waiting around every twist and turn. And the people are always miserable and the sun NEVER shines.� says Bowser.
�Oh boo,� says Tingle.
The starship begins to twist and lurch in weird ways and everyone feels like they�re gonna be sick, as the ship plummets to the surface of Zebes. The ship smashes into pieces and its passengers are thrown in a heap over the Zebestian landscape.
�Good thing I got that insurance.� says IngRaider.
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Everyone begins to gather around IngRaider, awaiting instruction.
�Welcome to Zebes. The structure before you is the hideout of the villainous Space Pirates. They will stop at nothing to make sure that evil prevails. And today, you will be joining the fight against them. Your task will be to destroy as many Space Pirates as you can in an hour. You will each be armed with a blaster to defend yourself and attack them. If you vaporize over 1000 pirates, you will win. But, here�s the catch: Each time you are shot by a pirate, you will lose a life. Every life lost costs you fifty of your hard-earned kills.�
�So what happens if we lose?� asks Yoshi.
�Simple, If you do not defeat 1000 pirates, one of you will be randomly eliminated instead of the normal voting process. So try to stay safe.�
�Gotcha.� he replies.
�So if everyone�s ready, let�s play Nintendo: The Mole.� (He hits a button on his stopwatch and the game begins.)
Just as the whistle is blown, hordes of Space Pirates emerge from the fortress. Mario and Yoshi are doing well, dodging enemy fire and killing 25 pirates each. Peach, however, trips over her dress and is an easy target to be picked off by the enemy. She loses a life and their score returns to zero.
�Easy come, easy go.� taunts IngRaider.
�Shut up.� says Yoshi.
Bowser, after realizing he has terrible aim, tosses his blaster aside and begins breathing flames at the mob of pirates. Hundreds of them are incinerated in the inferno and the contestants� score begins to rise to 300. A Shadow Pirate swoops in front of Peach and takes not one, but three slashes at her, reducing the score to 150.
�Thanks Peach.� says Wario, annoyed.
�I�m so sorry.� she says, thoroughly annoyed at her terrible fortune.
�Don�t apologize, get-a in the fray-a.� commands Mario, picking off five pirates, giving them a score of 155. Another Shadow Pirate attacks Peach and the killed-pirate count falls to five.
�Damn.� says Zelda, as she gives a pirate a kick that causes its head to fall off.. �You gotta get in the game, Peach.�
The pirate�s head grows back, however, and not one, but three, heads are in on the action. One of them shoots a series of fangs at Yoshi, catching him off-guard and taking the score down to -45. Bowser, however uses his fire techniques to dish out a ton of pain to the pirates, raising the score to 555. A Pirate Aero-trooper picks up Peach and drops her down about 100 feet, but she activates her parasol just in time to slow her fall.
�Do your thing, Bowser, and we�ll win.� commands Zelda.
Bowser steps into the crowd of pirates and burns exactly 444 of them. The group needs one more kill to win, but a Plasma Trooper armed with a bazooka enters and continually blasts Bowser, until there is little to him. IngRaider successfully rearranges his molecules and revives him, but the score is taken down to zero by such an injury. To finish the job, a Wave Trooper uses its electrical abilities to paralyze the group, who can just stare at the timer as it ticks down to zero, with their score at aero as well. At the challenge�s conclusion, they are transported outside the fortress and speak with IngRaider.
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�You can all blame Bowser for this loss on your part. With his ability, you relied on him exclusively, and the pirates wasted you for not using your blasters.� says IngRaider.
�I feel so stupid,� says Bowser.
�You should-a,� exclaims Mario.
�And now, since there will be no voting ceremony, due to your failure to complete the task, the person to leave shall now be selected:
�Is it Yoshi? No!�
�Is it Wario? No!�
�Is it Zelda? No!�
�Is it Bowser? No!�
�Is it Peach? No!�
�Is it Tingle? No!�
�Is it Ganondorf? No!�
�And our lucky winner is�.Mario! Sorry, Mario. By the random selection process powers invested in me, you lose. Continue to participate in our features. Sorry about the bad luck.�
On the next Nintendo: The Mole:
Players will tour the elusive Floating Island on the Sonic end of the universe, where they will meet many new friends and foes in their venture to win the million dollars. In a world with a villain of its own, more chaos is sure to ensue. This time I mean CHAOS: With Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Eggman, and the struggle for the Chaos Emeralds, this is sure to be one heck of a shindig. Until then, good day.