by
Jen Pattison
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| On The Outside Looking In by Jen Pattison |
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| On the outside looking in. On the inside looking out. Two expressions I once thought had opposite meaning. For me, they are synonymous. | ||||
| This morning, the warm sun gently dabbed my eyelids, coaxing me from a hard earned sweet slumber. I stumbled down the stairs, tripping over beasts pining to be let outdoors. On a wave of paws and fur, I flowed into the green sea out back. | ||||
| A light breeze caressed my skin. The sun reflecting from the changing leaves, and the magnificence of a cloudless, deep-blue sky held captive my whole being. As if still in a dream, I breathed deep the pure, rose-pedal air. Yes, today I would go into the city to read and walk along the bay. | ||||
| Gooseflesh specked my arms as I awed at the endless view of East Grand Traverse Bay on my right and the boundless fall canvas on my left. Even at 70mph, the view stood still. Yes, this would be a great day. | ||||
| I traveled through the thick city traffic to West Bay Park. I even found a space in the free parking lot. The bay was filled with huge sailboats, the bright white sails making up for the lack of clouds in the sky. | ||||
| I bundled up my blanket, pillow, a little stereo, books, notebooks and sketchbooks. A shaded area under a huge willow tree and near the water became my spot for the day. I spread out as if I were going to spend a year there. I opened all the books and sharpened all the charcoal sticks. Yes, I was prepared to work while soaking up the warm light. | ||||
| I wasn?t the only one out taking advantage of one last summer day. Scores of folks roller blading, biking and jogging greeted my little home with a smile and a friendly wave. On the bay, jetskis and speed boats roared. I longed to ride along. Yes, all the attention and sights were entertaining. Yet again, the pages of my life rustled indifferent and aimless in the high wind. | ||||
| After two hours of flipping through local radio, joking with strangers and trying to hitch rides on speedboats, I packed up my little library and unloaded the bike. I spent a half hour trying to figure out how I had managed to get an adult size mountain bike completely into the back of a Geo Metro. It certainly didn?t come out the same way it went in. Yes, a ride along the bay would clear my mind for the study hall I had planned. | ||||
| The once friendly folks were now in my way. How they can easily lolly-gag along at the speed of molasses is beyond me. I sped through the grass to Traverse City Park, which is a park, a bayside boardwalk, a beach, a marina and a zoo all in one. | ||||
| In the park there was a large family picnic. The smooth smell of summer barbeque filled my nostrils and rumbled my stomach. On the boardwalk, some teenagers were practicing skateboard and rollerblade tricks. A couple families were flying kites out over the bay. I watched several boat launches, asking all if they were on their way out to the party of cabin-cruisers strung together near the beach. Not this time, but my mind was clear. The books lay dead in the back of the car. | ||||
| The sun was finally easing below the horizon. I decided to drive to an isolated park on the other side of town to skate on it?s circular drive. Once there, I decided I was worn out from the bike ride and turned the car toward home. The chaos of heavy traffic, bright lights and flashing neon signs soothed and organized my scatty brain. Yes, I was on the outside looking in. | ||||
| The pitch black outside of town hit me like a thick glass plate, the silence shattering through my soul. Now on the inside busting to get out, I turned the car toward downtown. The odometer rolled over to 110,000. I wondered, briefly, how much longer I would have this luxury. Yes, for me, a car is a need. | ||||
| The world overflowed as I strolled along the crowded walkway downtown. Normal conversation, the padding of sneakers, the rush of moving doors, the clang of outdoor restaurant goers, the swoosh of slow traffic.....all became thunderous....drumming on my ears, beating on my skull. Yes, I had let the medication wear off. | ||||
| I rumaged through my pockets for another dose, wondering why I needed it. The books never got read, I didn?t skate and I didn?t get invited to the boat party. I swallowed it anyway and focused on getting to the book store. Yes, maybe I could read there. | ||||
| The walkway in front of the store was crowded with youngsters with green/pink hair and nose rings. Their laughter seared my mind. They were so loud, both on my ears and on my eyes, that I was nearly hit by a car while crossing the street. | ||||
| The bookstore had three levels, with a coffee shop on the lower level. A live band began grating and grinding electric guitars as I descended the stairway. I turned around and climbed to the upper-most level. The noise drifted up, but this place was quietly deserted. I thumbed through a book of re-printed paintings. The artist was unknown to me. Yes, my mind slowed and smoothed. | ||||
| Suddenly several kids thundered up the stairs and crowded around a pay phone. Their shrill laughter was unbearable against the shrieking guitars. I felt as though I were in a glass box. Just when the glass became smooth and warm to my pleasure, it?s suddenly shattered into a billion shards. Yes, my social life in detail. | ||||
| Who would understand? Am I on the inside looking out? Or am I on the outside looking in? One thing?s for certain, confusion is a good friend of mine. | ||||
| ----Jen Pattison | ||||