by Elly Maye
I just found the ADD website and am reading the stories. I was just diagnosed (this past Wednesday) for the 3rd time w/ADD. I am a 38 year old female. I went to the Psychiatrist (this time) because of depression and of course the ADD came up again. I have a 1 year old son whom I adore - and am afraid of failing. He is what ultimately got me there.
I realized that I need to "come alive" for his sake and stop vegging out on the computer - something I can (and have) done for days at a time. I have a long history of self-medicating (alcohol) and pretending it isn't there, and a long history of unhappiness. I am tired of being unhappy and spinning.
As I told the Doctor (and I can't believe how much was pent up and how much I'd cry) I want to finish college and be someone who my son can be proud of - not a slug, tired and unable to function in the world outside my own home. I have "tried" college 4 times and have an IQ of 128. I just can't do it, I can't "be there". I have always felt like a loser and a failure. I realized that if I don't do something, I will ultimately pass my lack of self-esteem on to him, and I can't do that to him. I love him too much. I don't want to "screw this up too".
I stopped drinking 3 years ago but didn't go back to the doctor, I felt that taking medications was a sign of weakness or still being addicted to something. This is also the predominant attitude of my AA friends and I am now realizing that this is not the correct thinking. There are some people who actually should be on medications and it isn't a sign of personal weakness. I know SOMETHING is and has always been wrong with me and this is from my earliest memories.
This past summer I visited my childhood home and went thru my report cards. I saw that they started dropping from straight A's in the 3rd grade to C's. I don't EVER remember taking a book home, I could barely stay in control at school ( and often didn't) much less be expected to do it at home. Thank God I had at least a high enough IQ to graduate. I honestly don't know how I did it.
Then I went to college for the first time and that's where the bottom dropped out. I couldn't take the pace, I couldn't keep my mind focused. I've been called lazy, scatterbrained, rebellious, etc., all my life, and a part of me actually believes it. I can't tell you the last time I have actually been happy except for my son does give me joy. I am one of these people who always had "high ideals and dreams" for my life and never, ever accomplished any of them. I just feel like such a loser. My son deserves better.
After my son was born, I went to a weight loss clinic and got on 30mg of Fastin to help me lose weight. (I am about 50 lbs overweight) I wanted to tell you a side effect of that drug. I know it is an amphetamine, but it did something to me that I felt was astonishing. I could focus, I actually calmed down and could 'lock in' to a task and finish it. And, although I realize the energy was false I actually felt like getting off the couch and vacuuming or cleaning - quit a feat for me. I took it for 5 months and when I stopped I went back to the same old slug self that I have always been. And I didn't lose much weight because I have a sugar craving like you wouldn't believe. That is always been so, but it worsened after my son was born. I am not a diabetic (yet anyhow). I am bringing all this up to the Psychiatrist next week when I go for my medical evaluation. They have already decided that I most likely need to be on medication and I told him that there is NO WAY I can even attempt to start back to college the way I am now. I don't know what the answer is, but I do need some help. I want to get a life, a degree and make something out of myself for my son's sake and I guess for my own. I am so tired of being tired, of being a loser, of sitting on the sidelines. Thanks for listening