by Vince
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| "So It's All From ADD" by Vince |
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| I suspect that most readers of these stories recognize facets of themselves in each tale. I certainly do; my story will probably seem familiar to you, differing only in detail from yours. Although I've been in and out of therapy for several years, primarily due to marital problems, it was only several months ago that ADD was considered a possibility. Most of the docs focused on adjustment issues or depression, stemming from my very difficult childhood as well as an unusual number of losses in my life. What clues were there to suggest ADD? Many. As a child, I was very prone to day-dreaming, always considered very bright, and an underachiever. I was assigned to the highest sections in each of my high school subjects, and struggled with virtually all of them. My SATs were just average. Meanwhile, I held down 2 part time jobs and was active in several organizations (although I never really achieved in any of them). I considered dropping out of school several times out of frustration that I just wasn't getting it. I was keenly aware throughout my life that I was somehow "different", and thought differently from others around me. This was usually attributed to my losing my father at a very young age, to an overactive imagination, and to the fact that I was sexually molested as a child. To this day, I still feel set apart from the rest of humanity, but far less so now than previously. My college and postgraduate careers were also suggestive. I couldn't decide on a major in college, starting as a pre med, although I have a memory like a sieve, finally receiving 2 bachelor's degrees in 4 years in astronomy and aeronautical engineering. Meanwhile, I held down a night job as a computer operator, was a teaching assistant, and had a research fellowship in biology. I also started to write many short stories, finally finishing one this year (25 years later). I was getting A's and B's, taking an average 6courses a semester. I simply couldn't stick with one subject long enough to master it. In graduate school, this turned to disaster. I attended MIT, in aeronautics and astronautics, obtaining a master's only because I had an advisor who called me into his office once a month, had me list all my activities, them forced me to cull the list to a manageable few. I was accepted to the PhD program but failed out because I couldn't master both control systems theory and celestial mechanics (who else would be crazy enough to pick two majors when most people can barely pass one?). Get the sense that I was trying everything, had a short attention span, and oh yes, did I mention that I always had several unfinished projects cluttering my desk? My first marriage was plagued by my inability to remember tasks that needed attention, starting things and not following through, and leaving a cluttered mess wherever I went. This got so bad that the marriage ended. My present marriage is similarly distressed, but I have been working hard at correcting the problem. Finally, my therapist, after seeing that typical organizational strategies and tools weren't working, suggested I be evaluated for ADD. My history suggested it was likely, but the computer test result was no positive (it was explained that a positive result was a definite indicator of ADD, while a negative result was consistent with either the absence or presence of ADD). Further interviews and history led my therapist to refer me to a specialist who prescribed Ritalin about 3 weeks ago. I never before realized that "normal" people didn't have constant dialogues, images and melodies flying through their mind while trying to carry on a conversation, or perform a simple task. I never really READ anything before- I always skimmed, and missed a great deal, faking comprehension by quick thinking and synthesis of what portions of the text I had caught. With treatment, conversation became far less difficult. Previously, no one spoke quickly enough, so I was constantly finishing other's sentences, or blurting out answers to questions before they could finish posing them. Colleagues have commented that I always seemed to be "thinking one step ahead" in meetings - they were actually observing a manifestation of my short attention span. Now I actually hear complete sentences, and stay with conversations until they reach a logical conclusion. I often wondered how people remembered all they had to do, or how "normal" people got things done. With medication, I started remembering tasks I set myself or things my wife mentioned or asked me to do. My self esteem has always been extremely low. This had been attributed to "middle child" syndrome, the loss of my father early in life, and later to my experience at MIT. I now realize that I had always been aware that my mental processes were somehow flawed, in a way the prevented me from accomplishing what I believed I should. I believed that I was somehow "different", and inferior to everyone. Maybe I was recognizing the deficits caused by my ADD, but not knowing their cause, or that they could be remedied, I believed I was forever " less than" everyone else. Ritalin hasn't produced a dramatic, subjective change in my perception o of the world or my affect; it's not a mood altering or perception altering drug. I do feel subtly calmer, less panicky, quieter inside, and that time has slowed just a little. These are surprising effects from a stimulant, yet my doctor says this is all consistent with ADD. Has anyone reading this had a similar experience with medication? While writing this, I just recalled that I previously averaged about seven or eight cups of coffee daily, while now I average 3.Because coffee is a stimulant, as is Ritalin, was I self-medicating, or was it out of boredom that I drank so much? I'm not sure how this is going to come out, but am struck by the fact that I just sat at a terminal long enough to compose this and review it. Previously, I would have started it, got distracted by almost anything, and it would have ended up on a heap with a million other unfinished projects. | |||