A Snippet From Page 317 of Your Future Autobiography
made sense. My thoughts were crystal clear. I understood my hatred of all inanimate objects. As I turned to sit down, I realized the chair that had at one moment looked comforting was now staring at me with its inanimacity. It was one of them. It could not longer hide that fact from me.
As my eyes scanned the room, more inanimate object threw away their disguises and revealed themselves to me. The table, the cup, the amazing vibrating food dispenser, even the house I dwelled in were all inanimate objects. It is impossible to describe the shriek I dispelled at this realization, because any adjective would be an understatement. Of course, I ran as fast as possible away from this tempest of deceit.
Suddenly in the midst of the sprint, I tripped and fell. I fell hard, bruising my arm and injuring my bad knee. I had tripped over my own shoe, a shoe that was in fact an inanimate object. My second shriek was louder than the first, but I believed it correctly highlighted my fear. I tore it off my foot and threw it at the chair.
I smiled with glee. I had thrown one inanimate object against another. I had created a civil war. This fact was never clouded in my mind. I knew what I had accomplished, not only for myself, but also for all animate objects everywhere.
I look back at this as the proudest achievement of my life. I have no regrets. If my story ended here, I would be remembered only as a hero, but it continued. In fact, my inanimate enemies proved cunning and failed to surrender after this initial voracious assault. I to....
*Full Version to be released in the not so distant future
The weirdest part is that I can actually mime this scene pretty well; ask me to demonstrate some day.