In an alternate universe, Dean got the Democratic nomination…
Breaking News: Tapes have just surfaced that show a younger Howard Dean, Presidential hopeful, molesting a bovine multiple times. These videos are very graphic and we ask parents to escort children out of the room.
(Video footage)
Newscaster: Hello Mr. Donaldson.
Donaldson: Hi, I’m glad to be here.
Newscaster: Now, you’re an expert on sexual dysfunction. Could you care to share your feelings on Howard Dean.
Donaldson: Yes, Dean seems to have a great psychological aberrancy, stemming from either a small penis or deep-rooted attraction to his mother. He is filling in this sexual void through these bovine encounters.
Newscaster: Fascinating, thank you for being here.
Now we have through satellite a reaction from Dean himself:
Dean: This is all crazy. Why are you doing this?
Newscaster: These are very serious charges. How do you defend yourself?
Dean: I was in college…
Newscaster: So you’re saying this was a juvenile indiscretion?
Dean: Let me finish. I was working on my doctorate and took a few veterinary classes to fill up my schedule. So, I helped milk a cow and my friend asked me to help out with a delivery later.
Newscaster: So you admit to physically stimulating the cow’s genitalia?
Dean: What? No! I mean, What?
Newscaster: You have also been linked with a primate named Dede. Can you elaborate on the relationship?
Dean: I took a behavior science class that involved a chimp. Is that what you’re talking about?
Newscaster: Did the monkey ask you to touch it?
Dean: No, its an ape. They don’t even have the proper vocal cords.
Newscaster: So did it or didn’t it?
Dean: I’ve heard enough; turn this off!
Newscaster: Well thank you anyway for telling us your side of the story, now we go to see how our honored President responds to these unsettling allegations.
Bush : Some people say I look like I chimp, but I know for a fact I don’t. ‘Cause Dean never came on to me. I mean he shook my hand, not my crotch.
Newscaster: Hmm, he really cuts the issue right down to its core. Well we’ll be back in a minute with our expose “Is your milk save from the probing hands of the Democratic Party”
(Commercials)
Newscaster: We have to hold off our investigative reporting on the health-related consequences of Dean’s sexual debauchery. There is a new breaking story straight from the news-wire. Records indicate that on several occasions, Dean had been seen touching and at times mutilating dead bodies with medical instruments. We have an exclusive interview with Benjamin Cohen, Dean’s previous colleague.
Ben: Hi, I wasn’t told what this is about. Why am I here again?
Newscaster: Well, we want to get to the heart of this scandal. Have you ever seen Dean handle a corpse?
Ben: Oh yeah sure, we all had to, to get our medical license.
Newscaster: Right well, do you know for a fact that Dean touched a corpse?
Ben: Uh yeah.
Newscaster: A female corpse?
Ben: Yes.
Newscaster: A naked female corpse?
Ben: What are you implying?
Newscaster: Were you and Dean also naked at the time?
Ben: Excuse me!
Newscaster: Oh, I’m sorry we ran out of time. Thank you for coming.
Newscaster: In related news, our latest poll indicates that 20% of Americans believe that corpse desecration is their number one concern up from 0% of last year. Here’s some public opinions on the subject.
Mary Owens: I’m a mother of three and if my kid dies, I know for a fact that I wouldn’t want Dean touching them.
Albert Ridley: The thought of Dean prowling the cemeteries in search of my loved ones, scares the hell out of me.
Tina Mathews: First it was the cows, then the chimps, and now this! When will his evil rampage end?
Francis Colly: I hate that carcass fu**er. Can I say carcass fu**er? No? Okay sorry.
Newscaster: That’s it for today. Stay tuned for more breaking news from Fox, the fair and balanced news channel you can trust.