My Rain
by Blerina Kotori
There is a difference between the rain that falls outside the window and the rain that soaks me to the bone. I wished the rain that falls on me could soak me as little as the rain outside the window does. But unfortunately, it is not so. The rain that falls on me is more wild than the rain outside the window. It rains on me every day, every week, every month, every season. It rains on me endlessly. Can I repair the rain? Is rain a part of me? Or am I a part of rain? Do I really wish to stop the rain? Wouldn't I miss my rain to death?
I walk under the rains since one hundred and ninety years ago. I walk under the rains that never stop. Since one century and ninety years ago, the rain keeps on soaking me. The gigantic raindrops fall down my eyes. The gigantic raindrops fall down my hair, my lips, my body. The raindrops fall dwon my heart, and soul.
I try to count the parts of my body that the rain has soaked the most, but I can't. They are more than my concept of numbering. The rains of my body...the rains of soul...the rains of no return...the rains of feeling. And on me, it pours rain...every part of my body turns to rain...until I will turn to rain also. I see all my body parts converting into rain...slowly, silently...willingly...
The greatest raindrop is my heart. She has been converted into rain years ago, she is the oldest raindrop. It rained on her when I gave her love instead of dreams. My heart was too young to love. Then I gave her flattering to escape the rain, but my heart was too intelligent for this. Later, I gave her wounds, when I had to heal her. My heart was too humane to affront this. Finally, I gave her death, when I had to give her life. And my human heart passed away, without being a Jesus Christ. The ghost of my heart is the one that is soaked now from the rain...
The other great raindrop is my mind. She has been a raindrop since in fetus. I have my mind cries, when I had to give her smiles. I gave her words, when I had to give actions. I gave her games, when I had to give seriousness. I gave to my mind challenges, when I had to give her rest. And my human mind (and yet not such) got angry at me...since then she is restless. It is this mind the one that is soaked now from the rain...
And the rain falls down my lips. They are turned into raindrops since a year ago. I gave to my lips words, when I had to give them silence. I gave to them silence, when I had to speak. I gave to them treachery, when I had to be faithful. I was failthful to my lips, when my lips left me. I gave my lips to the person they didn't want to be given to. And they got mad at me, and my lips have never kissed anybody since then...
And myself is soaking under the rains. She has been converted into rain times ago. I gave to myself other images, when I had to keep mine. I made up myself with a camoflage. Myself is suffocated. And I still hide myself. And she is mad at me, and since then, she never came back where she belongs.
The rains keep on falling down. The rains fall, and I fall down also...in depths where I lose every time a small part of my soul, my heart, my mind, my lips, and myself, until I will lose even their ghosts. But yet I don't know...is it the fault of the rain that I am soaked, or is it my fault that it rains...outside and inside the window?