| Real Life |
| "I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something."--George Burns "Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife." --James H. Kabbler III "To quote someone else is bullshit. Think of something for your own damn self."--Benjamin Franklin "Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn." --Fulton Sheen "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." --George W. Bush "I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming."--Jimmy Carter "I'm glad I'm not Brezhnev. Being the Russian leader in the Kremlin. You never know if someone's tape recording what you say." --Richard Nixon "People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like."--Abraham Lincoln "When you say you agree to a thing in principle you mean that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice." --Otto Von Bismark �Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps." --Emo Philips "Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies."--Adrienne Gusoff �Dammit then i cant go unless jj goes with us to the mall. i'm all for goin to the mall but i cant drive his ass there. mine ass either.�--Joey �My choice early in life was either to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there�s hardly any difference.� --Harry S. Truman �There they are-See No Evil, Hear No Evil, and Evil.� --Bob Dole speaking of Ford, Carter, and Nixon. �Politicians ARE interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Dogs are interested in fleas.�--P. J. O�Rourke �Never raise a hand to your children...it leaves your midsection unprotected.� --Robert Orben �A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do.�--P. J. O�Rourke �There is something refreshingly ironic about people lying on the beach contracting skin cancer in an attempt to acquire a purely illusory appearance of good health, while germ-laden medical waste washes up on the sand all around them.�-- George Carlin �I bought come batteries, but they weren�t included, so I had to buy them again.�--Steven Wright �For my birthday I got a humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.�--Steven Wright �It�s been a rough day. I got up this morning...put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I�m afraid to go to the bathroom.�--Rodney Dangerfield �I know why we don�t like to vote-Marking your ballot nowadays is like choosing between the 3 a.m. showing of Beastmaster on Showtime and the 3 a.m. showing of Beastmaster 2 on Cinemax.�--Dennis Miller �Never tell people how you are. They don�t want to know.� --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe "So long, and watch out for flying chairs!" --Leroy Mcgurk, wrestling commentator �I take my hand off to you.�--Mike Tyson �One man�s trash is another man�s girlfriend.�--Jerry �The King� Lawler �What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows; a Republican sucks.�--Lewis Black �If curling is an Olympic sport, then oral sex is adultery. And oral sex should be an Olympic sport. Because it�s harder than curling and if you�re any good at it you deserve a medal.�--Lewis Black �If llamas could fly we would need no cars.�--Tommy Luster �It�s like they just won�t stop bitchin� till they rule the freakin� world. I say, pop a Midol and shut the hell up.�--Shannon Ray �Why do you have a leg?....OH GOD! YOU WERE BORN THAT WAY!�--Stephanie Edwards |