JJ: Ok remind me why we're heading out here, Joe?
JC: Because I inherited this rustic old cabin from my late great-uncle.
C4: So why drag us along?
You're the one that got in here I was just going to take JJ & GI to help me take the stuff out.
Yeah, what are you doing here C4? Danger? AOM!?
Danger: I have no idea what I'm doing here, I followed C4.
Don't blame me! I just was walking with AOM and we decided to climb inside the van and tag along.
Which I still think was a dumb idea.
Chill out, AOM. You're the one that's here so you'll have to live with it.
The place looks to be in need of serious repair, and there is an oldsmobile outside. The group continues toward the cabin. Joe parks the van and they all get out. Joe travels up the walk towards the cabin looking back briefly at the group. Joe reaches the door and feels above the frame for a key ring, he finds it and brings it down.
Your great-uncle lived up here? What a wreck.
I never really knew him that well, but if I did he wouldn't be living here.
Joe unlocks the door and they head inside, where it's really dusty and falling apart.
I hope you people brought sleeping bags.
YOU MEAN WE'RE GOING TO BE STAYING HERE?!
Fuck!
Well unless we find what we're looking for, yeah, we're staying here.
What exactly are we looking for?
Well, according to this letter, I was left with a few artifacts from his discoveries at some place in Europe. He said I was the most trustworthy out of his nephews.
What about me?
Well you DO have two crap throwing monkies.
Good point.
They manage to actually get some electricity flowing, which is good because it's getting dark outside. They all sit at a table in the kitchen to discuss what's going on.
Ok so basically he said in the cellar there's a book, a puzzle box, a tape player with translations from the book, and numorous other artifacts and junk.
Joe, why do we want this stuff?
He doesn't want them to fall into the wrong hands, we're supposed to give them to a colleague of his and he'll reward us handsomely.
Sweet!
See AOM I told you there was a reason we tagged along.
What the hell? You're not getting anything C4!
Haha!
You're not either, Danger!
FUCK!
I'm waiting, Calon.
You were right...
And?
And you being right is one of the many reasons why I'm your bitch.
Joe bursts out laughing at this, takes the flashlight and heads down in to the cellar. GI, JJ, Danger, C4 & AOM all stand around waiting for Joe to say something or come back up. There are quite a few moments of anxious silence, then Joe pops his head up making everyone scream as they fall backward.
Jumpy, jumpy....I found the stuff..
He drops a dusty dirty box down on the floorboards then pulls up his other arm where there is a bottle of wine.
Holy crap Joe, don't tell me you're gonna drink that!
It's aged well, since..1978 it says.
Well, as long as you sure it's safe, toss that shit over here!
Joe tosses him the bottle and climbs up out of the cellar where he starts looking through the box. He pulls out a small cube, the puzzle box, which has intricate designs on it. He tosses it back in and picks up an old book, it�s made of some tough looking leather: it seems to have a face. Joe flips through the pages of the book; there are pictures and diagrams of skulls, monsters, eyes, demons, and some kind of writing that is unable to be read.
Wow....this is some weird fucking shit.
So is this wine!
JJ spits the wine out the window and tosses the bottle outside.
Hey someone else could have drank that!
C4 reaches in the box and pulls out a dagger. The blade is pretty big and seems to be made of real bones, it has a skull on the end, and it looks like it is wearing a ribcage helmet.
You know, this seems vaguely familiar.
Yeah, I've noticed that too...oh well. Let's listen to the tape and see what's so important about this stuff.
You know, in that movie Evil Dead, they weren't SUPPOSED to listen to the tape.
Yeah, cuz like, evil stuff came out of it or whatever.
Come on guys, that's just a movie. Bruce Campbell has both hands and all those people are still alive and well. I'm playing it.
Joe turns on the tape which screetches as it plays back for the first time in a long time.
This is Professor Raymond Knowby, Department of Ancient History, log entry number two. It has been a number of years since I began excavating the ruins of Candar with a group of my colleges. Now my wife and I have retreated to a small cabin in the solitude of these mountains. Here I continued my research undisturbed by the myriad distractions of modern civilization and far from the groves of academe.
I believe I have made a significant find in the Candarian Ruins: a volume of Ancient Sumarian burial practices and funerary incantations. It is entitled "Necronominon ex Mortus"- roughly translated, "Book of the Dead". The book is bound in human flesh and inked in human blood. It deals with demons and demon resurrection and those forces, which roam the forest and dark bowers of man's domain. The first few pages warn that these enduring creatures may lie dormant but are never truly dead. They may be recalled to active life through the incantations presented in this book. It is through recitation of these passages that the demons are given license to possess the living.
I shall recite the passage now:
Tatra Ormistroben azarta..
Tantermono monzezonzomozezobar...
Zomontorozo dalhiclerdom deridsa Candar....
Candar.....
Candar!
Well, that was different. IT's not even windy outside!
Maybe it was just a animal that made it fall.
Yeah, probably..turn that thing back on.
It's only been a few hours since I've translated and spoken aloud the first of the demon resurrection passages from the "Book of the Dead". And now I fear that my wife has become host to a Candarian Demon. May God forgive me for what I have unleashed unto this earth. Last night Henrietta tried to... kill me. It's now October 1st, 4:33 PM. Henrietta is dead. I could not bring myself to dismember her corpse. But I dragged her down the steps... and I buried her. I buried her in the cellar.
Joe turns off the tape and laughs.
I was just down there, there's no woman or anything. Hey Danger, what a laugh, huh?
Danger's in the corner cackling like a witch! He turns around and there's nothing but whites in his eyes and he's suddenly bleeding out of his mouth for no reason and levitating in the air...
WHY HAVE YOU DISTURBED OUR SLEEP? AWAKENED US FROM OUR ANCIENT SLUMBER? YOU WILL DIE! LIKE THE OTHERS BEFORE YOU. ONE BY ONE WE WILL TAKE YOU!!!
Wow Danger, that's a neat trick! You could have just done that in our ladder match on FNX and would have won! With no ladder!
I bet he's a real gag at parties.
THIS IS NO JOKE YOU STUPID BITCH!
Oh shit he didn't call me a bitch...I'm going to kick his demon ass!
JJ starts walking over to the possessed Danger, and as he starts to hit him Danger just collapses on the ground.
Damn, JJ what did you do to him?
I didn't even touch him!
Danger's eyes snap back open and he grabs a pencil and stabs JJ in the ankle with it.
FUCK MAN MY ANKLE!
I'LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL AND MAKE YOU MY PERSONAL BITCH!
JJ tries to swing upward at Possessed Danger, who just grabs him and throws him into Joe and GI.
I don't think he's fucking around Joe.
Gee, you think so?
In the movies they had to kill them by cutting off their limbs...oh this is gonna be fun..
C4 grabs an axe and runs towards Possessed Danger who just backhands him making him crash into the wall, and he's knocked out cold.
CALON! Joe get up and help him!
Joe pushes JJ off of him and gets up and starts walking over to Possesed Danger, he makes sure to grab the axe from Calon before going.
JOIN US!!! JOIN US OR I'LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!!! Danger, shut the fuck up!!!
Joe swings the axe wildly to avoid getting hit and Danger's head is cut clean off his shoulders. The neck squirts blood out all over the ceiling and collapses on the ground. C4 wakes up coughing..
Joe....you just cut off Danger's head!
Well, I had to! He's a demon now! I mean, he's gone!
I dunno, I just thought you could have thrown him down in the cellar or something...
Let's throw the body down there til we figure out what to do with it.
C4 reaches down to grab the head and it bites him making him drop it.
FUCK!
Possessed Danger's Head: YOUR FLESH TASTES SOUR...BUT YOUR SOUL WILL TASTE SWEET!! HAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHA
C4 places his foot over Danger's head and kicks it like a soccer ball into the cellar...then the headless body gets up and grabs the axe and swings at C4, barely catching his arm, leaving a gash. Joe walks up behind it and recieves a blow to the face with the handle of the axe, he stumbles backward and crashes through a small table.
Ok enough is enough!
AOM runs up and does a field goal kick to Danger's body, right in the balls, it falls to it's knees and she kicks it in the head making it fall into the cellar. We can hear Danger's head screaming in pain.
YOU BITCH!!! I THINK ONE OF MY BALLS RETRACTED UP INTO MY STOMACH!
AOM shuts the cellar door and chains it shut.
Never send a man to do a woman's job, I always say.
I could have done that...damn my hand is killing me! Oh and let's not forget this gash on my arm!
Joe picks himself up and brushes his clothes off, JJ is limping over to C4 and smacks him on the back of his head. AOM goes into the next room.
Stop your bitching...I had a pencil shoved in my ankle, thank you!
Ok, so we know that the evil is out there. Now I'm assuming from the movie we just toss the book into the fireplace, and wait til morning and it's all over.
Oh that simple?
C4 tosses the book down into the cellar.
Damnit C4! The fireplace is over there, you dumbass!
C4's head whips around to reveal that he knows is possessed.
YOU SONS OF BITCHES! I'M TIRED OF YOUR ABUSE!
Possessed C4 kicks JJ right in the jaw and then grabs Joe by the throat and tosses him into GI...AOM walks back into the ring to be greeted by him.
HELLO LOVER...GIMME A KISS!
Possessed C4 grabs AOM and kisses her and she slaps him so hard he stumbles backward. He grabs his cheek and his tongue begins to grow and he licks his own cheek!
SLAP ME AGAIN AND I'LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!!
JJ jumps on him from behind and locks him in a sleeperhold..
Joe get that damn chainsaw you found!!
Joe grabs that chainsaw and starts it up and swings it at Possessed C4 but he flips JJ over him and the chainsaw cuts JJ's hair off!
MY HAIR!!!! Joe I'm gonna kick your ass you stupid fu...
JJ duck!
GI shoots Possessed C4 in the stomach with a shotgun and he flies into the wall.
That was cool...
Possessed C4 gets back up and grabs AOM and tries to bite her but she is fighting him off, Joe tosses down the chainsaw and runs at Possesed C4 with the axe. C4 throws down AOM and then punches Joe in the mouth as Joe manages to land the axe square in his head, but not very far. JJ gets up and superkicks the back of the axe blade so it goes fully into his head.
OW MY FUCKING HEAD!!
JJ throw his ass in the cellar with Danger!!
YEAH OPEN UP THE CELLAR, JJ! I MANAGED TO SEW MY HEAD BACK ON!!!
Fuck you Joe! Danger's got his head back on!
There's no sewing stuff down there....
ACTUALLY I JUST TOOK THE HANDLE OFF THE KNIFE..AND STABBED IT ON MY NECK THEN PUT MY HEAD ON TOP...BUT I STILL GOT MY HEAD BACK ON!
Do these things always have to yell?
YES WE DO! NOW GET OVER HERE SO I CAN SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!!!
SWALLOW YOUR SOUL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!
I knew you two loved to swallow..
Joe this isn't the time for jokes!
It wasn't a joke, I knew it!
Possessed C4 runs at Joe and Joe moves aside and opens up the cellar door and Possessed C4 falls down there on top of Danger.
What did you do that for?! The book is down there!
I know, and we have to get it. Now GI, since the bridge is down..
How do you know the bridge is down?
Trust me, it's down. Anyway, you and AOM go down that path to find another way out of here.
But the dude gets torn up by the trees!
And the woman got raped by trees!
That's why you're going together, and you're taking this chainsaw!
GI & AOM leave together to find help or a way out and JJ turns to Joe.
So what do I do?
You're going to grab something to help me kill C4 & Danger with when I let them out, so we can get that book and destroy it!
Fuck that! I'm going with AOM & GI!
They're not coming back, you know that.
OH boy....well I got nothing to lose anyway, My hair is gone...
JJ grabs the shotgun and Joe grabs the axe that fell out of Possessed C4's head and they stand ready, then Joe opens up the cellar door and they both scream in anticipation...but nothing comes out.
Maybe they dug out and are killing GI & AOM?
Well they're not there now, let's go get that book.
Joe and JJ walk down the steps and see the book laying in the dirt.
This is too easy...JJ go get the book.
Fuck you Joe, YOU get the book!
Ok, ok, we'll draw straws. Here, you take the short one.
JJ takes the short one.
Now, the rules are, the person with the shortest straw loses....YOU LOSE!
The hell I do! Paper Rock Scissors!
So they play paper, rock scissors, and JJ's rock beats Joe's scissors.
Ha! You lose! Oh that's bullshit...You're going to get the book.
No you are!
You are!
You!
I'm getting the book!
No, you're not gonna trick me Joe, I'm getting the book and that's final!
Fine JJ, have it your way, you can get the book!
You bet your ass I do...Wait! What the hell!? Damnit Joe you bitch! I'll do it this time but next time YOU'RE getting the book!
You bet, buddy..
JJ moves slowly towards the book then jumps over there, grabs the book and jets back up the steps.
You stupid chicken-shit! Get back here!
Joe starts up after him but Possessed Danger grabs him and pulls him backward!
JJ throw the book in the fireplace!
The book flies down the steps and hits Joe in the head.
Fuck I said you were getting the book!!
Joe grabs Possessed Danger's head and pulls it off of the knife, then rams the knife into the wall so Possessed Danger's body is stuck. Joe grabs the axe and chopping til the body doesn't move anymore. Joe reaches down to grab the book but Possessed Danger's head has it in it's mouth!
Damnit I'm not in the mood for head!
Joe puts one foot on the top of the head and then does a field goal kick with the other one, causing Possessed Danger's teeth to pop out with the book trapped inside of them. It's eyes roll back into his head and he stops moving. Joe makes his way up the steps to see JJ struggling to keep Possessed C4 from stabbing him with a knife.
About time you got here!
Joe starts over to help JJ but changes his mind and tosses the book into the fireplace...Possessed C4 looks over and howls in pain before falling limp on top of JJ.
Dude, I fucking knew he was gay.
JJ pushes the dead Possessed C4 off of him as it turns into dust and blows away....Joe and JJ, battle weary, go outside and follow the path until they reach GI and AOM, who are playing patty-cake with bottles of coke sitting by them.
WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?!
Well, we got tired of looking for a way out, so we stopped at this police station, and they gave us a gun and even an alternate route, and we started coming back but we decided playing patty-cake would be more fun.
Well in that case, gimme a coke.
No you can't have a coke!
What? You're going to deny me the right to quench my thirst after I saved our asses!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Joe wakes up on his couch and the credits for Army of Darkness are rolling on his tv. He wipes sleep out of his eyes and quickly takes a drink of his coke.
Damn that Phisch..."hey Joe why don't you review the Evil Dead movies?" But the demons weren't that bad I guess...being denied soda...THERE'S a nightmare...........
The scene fades as Joe goes back to sleep....
OOC: All characters were used with permission, the tape playing was from the Evil Dead movies.