Useless Horoscopes
Welcome to the page
where I make up stuff to tell you how to live your life! Updated as often as I
can be bothered.
Week Beginning: The Monday you just missed
Aries: You will meet a tall, dark-haired stranger wearing a tutu. He will tell you to kill. Do so if you choose, but he is a hallucination, so don't say I didn't warn you.
Taurus: This week, you will be annoyed at various people who walk past you and give you weird looks. This is probably because you've been staring at the TV set when it's off. Keep it up; at least you're not damaging your retinas.
Gemini: You should think about modifying your diet this week. You are not drinking enough alcohol and not enough of your dinners involve pizza. Sort that out and you will feel fat but happy.
Cancer: You will be looking over your shoulder this week, worried that people are talking about you. Nobody is talking about you, you are not that interesting. You are, however, being chased by a small gremlin. His name is Spog.
Leo: You are advised against using any chat-up lines this week, particularly the one about elephant impressions. This is especially to be avoided if you are female. If you are male and use it, expect slaps.
Virgo: This would be a good week to begin writing that great novel you know you have in you. One of your friends is feeling rather vicious and will be brutally honest about it. Then you can stop harping on about it.
Libra: Life will seem like a dream this week. This is because it is a dream. You have slept through the entire week and are going to get into big trouble. Therefore you'd better burst into tears whenever anyone says anything to you.
Scorpio: This week you will be firmly convinced that you are in the right and vow to stand up for yourself until everybody agrees with you. But then, that happens every week. Look out for neon snails.
Sagittarius: You will feel a vague sense of dissatisfaction and angst this week. Now is a good time to take up a hobby. Anything to get you out of the damned house. You're driving everybody mad.
Capricorn: You can get away with anything this week. So if you've ever wanted to commit a crime, now is the time to do it! The proprietors accept no responsibility for arrests, fines or jail time incurred as a result of this horoscope.
Aquarius: This week you will be overcome with profound senses of deja vu. This is because you have been kidnapped by aliens who have recreated Groundhog Day to observe your behaviour. Going beserk and sabotaging their research is advised.
Pisces: A good time to completely turn your life around. Of course, you often do this, but you turn it round 360 degrees and end up where you started. This time will be no exception. Destiny has a Snoopy tattoo on the bottom of her left foot.