Indigo’s Never-Fail
Excuses
I don’t wish to blow
my own trumpet, but every time I’ve been in trouble over the past seven years,
I’ve had an excuse ready and waiting. Sometimes they even worked, and this is
in the face of people who know damn well I’m making it all up. So I hereby
present my guide to getting out of any situation, no matter how sticky.
Excuses:
“My religion forbids
me to answer questions on (insert subject matter here).”
“I was up all night with diarrhoea, I was vomiting, and I think I may have caught an STD.” (The key here is to be as gross and embarrassing as possible.)
“Did you see that
thing on the news about (insert appropriate upsetting news story)? I couldn’t
sleep, I couldn’t eat, I certainly couldn’t do homework. Didn’t it have that
effect on you? It was just so awful…” (Key: Lay on the guilt. Make them feel
heartless and horrible.)
“The doctor just told me I have (insert horrible but not easily checkable disease).”
“My little brother
scribbled all over it with black marker pen this morning. I didn’t have time to
re-write it.” (I have actually used this one and it got me out of doing a huge
three-month project. Go me!)
Lame: “I left it on the bus.”
“I thought that was for tomorrow…”
“I thought I put it in my bag…damn, I can’t find it…”
Outlandish: “My house caught on fire last night. Everything in my room was
incinerated.”
“My gran died and her last wish was to have my homework buried with her so she could have a part of me with her forever.”
Ridiculous: “I got kidnapped by aliens. They took my homework so they could show
the rest of their planet how advanced our race is.”
Situation: You’re
late. Again.
Excuses:
“(insert member of family here) got taken into hospital and I had to go and give blood.”
“Oh my God,
did you see that huge car crash on the (insert road that nobody else will have
come down)? It was so awful, nobody could move one way or the other…”
(with extremely upset expression, tears in eyes) “Yeah, I know I’m late. I’m really sorry. But this morning…oh God…no, I can’t talk about it. I’m really sorry I’m late.” (Continue to apologise and look really, really upset for the rest of the day.)
Lame: “Damn buses…don’t you hate the British bus system?” (especially lame
if everyone knows you drive.)
“It’s ten o’clock already? My watch must be slow.”
Outlandish: “The bus driver turned out to be a terrorist. I barely escaped with my
life.”
Ridiculous: “I got kidnapped by aliens. They shoved things into me. It was most
unpleasant.”
Excuses:
“I’ve got to start
taking this medication. They’ve warned it might modify my personality a bit.”
(Thereafter become completely and utterly unbearable.)
“If I were you, I’d get yourself down to the clinic…I have herpes.”
“I’m sorry, but my
only true devotion in life is to Brad Pitt/chocolate/obscure contemporary
cinema (or insert preferred obsession), and I feel like I’m being unfair to
you.”
“I’ve discovered religion. If I want to get into heaven, I have to cut out alcohol, going out in the evenings and pre-marital sex.” (Works especially well if you’re trying to get rid of a guy.)
“I really can’t stand
(insert subject they have a passion for/obsession with). So it’s that or me.”
Note: There is a chance they will volunteer to give up said thing for you. If
this occurs, repeat the line with everything else they like. If they still
choose you above everything, tell them they’re just too dependent on you and you
don’t think it’s healthy. You’re only looking out for them, of course.
Lame: Oh, come on. There can’t be anybody out there who doesn’t know all the
breaking-up clichés. If there is, word of advice. It wasn’t him, it was you.
Outlandish: “I have an S & M fetish. The only things that really turn me on
are whips and chains.” (If he tells you he’s the same, pretend you were joking,
yell “You sick freak!” and storm off in disgust.)
“I’m becoming an Aerosmith groupie. Or if that doesn’t work out, an Aerosmith tribute band groupie. Or if that doesn’t work, an old-men-in-leather-trousers groupie.”
Ridiculous: “One of the aliens that kidnapped me fell in love with me and is
demanding I leave you for him. I really don’t have a choice.”
Excuses:
“I can’t go to (insert type of event here) anymore…it reminds me of (insert suitably depressing situation).”
“You know, I’d love
to, I really would. But I’ve got a hospital check-up. Oh, no, it’s nothing
serious, at least we hope not. They just want to check…” (trail off and bite
your lip).
(looking uncomfortable) “Well, I’ll try. But you know how (insert name of partner/parent/sibling/anyone else suitably scary) gets about that sort of thing…I’ll ask, see what they think.” Call up the next day and say hesitantly, “I, um, don’t think I’ll be able to make it. Things on, you know.” (then, away from the phone, but still audible) “I’m telling her, OK? Jeez.”
“Oh, love, you know
how I feel about that sort of thing…you don’t? Well, everyone else does. It’s
pretty well-known.” (Get a little hostile because they clearly haven’t been
listening to you, then call up everyone you know and get hostile with them
because they don’t know how you feel about that sort of thing either.)
Lame: “Oh,
I can’t. I’ve got an, erm, stomach bug.”
“But they’re going to reveal
whodunit on (insert soap opera)!”
Outlandish: “I’m following this new spiritual fulfilment program, and I very much
doubt that sort of thing will enhance my health/karma/spiritual energy.”
Ridiculous: “No, I can’t. I’m scheduled to be kidnapped by aliens that day.”
If anybody has any
situations they would like excuses for, feel free to e-mail me and I shall post
them here. I may also add a few more excuses as I think of them.
I am aware that a lot of my excuses are somewhat exploitative, but this page is intended to help you get out of tricky situations by any means necessary. If you think you can come up with your own non-exploitative ones, then you really had no need to read all this. I am also aware that many of my excuses involve aliens. I make no apologies for this. The alien currently squatting on my home page forced me to do so.