Beware The Gnomes

 

It’s not funny. They are out to get you. Here’s the ultimate survival guide to help you avoid the pesky critters.

 

Places To Avoid:

 

1. Supermarkets, especially the fruit and veg section. Potatoes and tomatoes are their favourites and therefore higher risk areas. In order to ward them off, protect yourself with a head of broccoli. They are allergic to it. Also beware spending too long in the dairy aisle, as they are attracted to cheese.

 

2. Department stores. They have an especial liking for the underwear section. If you are too careless, they are liable to steal the underwear you are wearing. I speak from bitter experience.

 

3. Kitchens, unless you are a student and have no fruit and veg or cheese in there. If this is not you, refuse to enter the kitchen. Get someone else to cook/clean/fetch drinks for you. Remember, you are not being lazy. You are concerned for your personal safety.

 

4. Schools, particularly on Mondays and Fridays. The gnomes have a belief that those who are working hard will not notice their underwear being stolen. If you do choose to enter one of these buildings, make sure that you are not seen to be doing work of any kind. The same applies to places of business.

 

Do Not Touch A Gnome. This is extremely dangerous, as they are liable to bite very hard, and possibly take a chunk out of your ankle. Once a gnome has been spotted, the following can be used to ward it off:

 

1. a piece of broccoli.

 

2. a fizzy drink (poured over the head of the offending gnome).

 

3. a match – gnomes believe that fire will ruin their complexions.

 

4. anything made of varnished wood; it must be varnished or the gnomes will eat it.

 

5. rock music – gnomes are strictly easy-listening.

 

If Bitten By A Gnome:

 

Do Not Panic. If you take the following precautions, you will survive.

 

1. After being bitten, bop the gnome hard on the head with the nearest heavy object. This is to ensure it lets go. It also creates a form of aversion therapy so the gnome will not repeat the action should it spot you again in the future.

 

2. If the gnome has removed a chunk from you, call for a bandage and bind the bitten section back onto your body. If the gnome refuses to spit it out, continue to hit it on the head. Tell it that it is a bad gnome. Tell it that human flesh is not good for its health. Force it to drop your flesh.

 

3. If the gnome has merely left a bad bite mark, disinfect the area with a small piece of broccoli. Bind the broccoli to the bite mark.

 

4. Demand to be taken to nearest hospital.

 

5. Explain that hospital food will aggravate the bite mark and so you must have McDonald’s/Pizza Hut/restaurant of your choice deliver your meals.

 

6. Remain in bed for a week.

 

7. If bite mark is still visible, demand corrective surgery. Demand they throw in any other corrective surgery you may wish to have done to prevent you from suing them.

 

8. Remain in bed for another week. Refuse to eat anything sensible.

 

9. Remove broccoli from bite mark.

 

10. Return home. Sit on sofa. Demand presents.

 

 

If A Gnome Asks You For Something, Do Not Give It To Them. They undoubtedly want it for some fiendish purpose. Instead, hit them on the head with a large mallet for being impertinent.

 

If you observe a gnome attacking another, there are one of two options you may take. If you do not know the person, or do not care very much about them, ignore it. If they do not know what to do, it’s their own fault. I have tried a number of times to educate the general populous about the gnomes, but judging from their reactions (laughter, scornful looks, taking several steps back and looking for the nearest exit) they seem to believe that they can handle the creatures themselves. Which they clearly cannot. However, if the person is important to you, pelt the gnome with broccoli from a safe distance. Do not attempt to physically take on the gnome. They will only turn around and attack you, and the person you are trying to rescue will run off and leave you to get bitten, because people suck.

 

I hope this advice has helped. Remember, always carry broccoli, don’t help other people and milk your illnesses for all they’re worth. Well, you may as well get something out of them.

 

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