Ask Indigo...

...she knows everything. Check with her boyfriend.*

I have it on good authority that I give sound and helpful advice. Nobody ever takes my sound and helpful advice. They ignore it, continue to moan about the problem, then receive the same advice from someone else and credit said someone else with helping them. But enough of that. E-mail me with your problems and I’ll answer them here. The answers will either be helpful or amusing, depending on the nature of your problem.

Before we start: If your problem involves an errant boyfriend, or an ex that wants to come back, the advice is simple. Dump him. He’s a tosser.

Dear Indigo…

"I did something really stupid and cheated on my girlfriend. She found out and left me. I want to win her back - how do I do it?" - Tosspot

First of all, Tosspot, if your girlfriend had asked me for advice I would have told her to cut you out of her life and start spreading nasty cross-dresser rumours. But since you ask, there are a few simple steps you can take.

One: Grovel. Grovel for three years minimum. In fact, grovel until she expressly tells you not to grovel any more.

Two: Buy her lots of very expensive shiny things. If either she or her friends don't think they're impressive enough, then buy even more expensive shiny things. Keep this up at a regular-to-high rate, depending on how pissed off she is.

Three: Never contradict her again ever, even if she does start talking about what a great punk band Busted is.

Four: Permit her to hold this against you forever.

Five: Do whatever she wants in bed and put her pleasure first. Trust me, she'll be very surprised. (Men in general take note please...Ask Indigo's reception is being overwhelmed with feminine complaints about this)

Six: If she cheats on you, she is not required to perform any of the above procedures, or any variants on them. Nor are you permitted to cease performing them. We at Indigo Teardrop Central don't like men like you. If every woman insists on this regime from their cheating men, hopefully we can wipe your species out. Good luck, Tosspot.

"Help! I'm in love with my best mate's boyfriend!" - Ashamed

OK, Ashamed, this is obviously not good. You could go for the bitch option and proposition your friend's man, but if you do, never ask me for advice ever again. A better way of going about things would be to find you own bloke and stop mooning about. Either leave him alone or become very very unpopular. Up to you entirely.

“My gay boss keeps coming on to me – what do I do?” – Bob

Right, Bob. You have several options. Firstly, become gay and attempt to get a promotion. If said gay boss has a partner already, look shocked when he comes on to you and say “But what about (insert name of partner here)?” in your most morally superior tone. Alternatively, talk about your own partner a lot. If you do not have one, invent one. Another possibility is to develop some really unattractive habits like loud snorts when you laugh and burping in people’s faces. Or find some really attractive man and pay him a lot of money to flirt with your boss. At the same time, you might want to confront your own identity crisis (don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about).

*if you do and boyfriend says anything other than "Yes, she does indeed know all, I'm going to buy her a lot of presents now", please inform Indigo at once.